The Season Of Passage Part 46

'I guess your partner told you I'm not just some nut,' Herb said finally, reading his mind.

'Were you on the station two days ago?' Terry asked.

Herb nodded sadly.

Terry played with his coffee. 'I'm very sorry. Do you know why she killed herself?'

Herb stared at him in the eye. 'She was murdered.'

'By who?'

'By them!' he said bitterly, sitting upright. Terry was instantly alert. But then Herb shrugged and settled back in his seat. He continued, 'What I have to tell you - I'll warn you in advance it will sound crazy. But I know you were engaged to Dr Wagner.'

'How do you know we're not still engaged?' Terry asked.

'Your partner said you were just in California visiting her.'

'No one was supposed to know that.'

'Everybody at the station knew they were landing at Edwards.' Herb added, 'You didn't stay long.'

Terry was annoyed. 'I had business I had to get back to.'

'She wasn't the same, was she?' Herb suddenly blurted. 'I knew Lauren. She had changed, hadn't she?'

How the h.e.l.l can this guy know that?

Terry decided to move cautiously. 'You spent a month with her in the station. Suppose you tell me.'

Herb seemed satisfied with his answer. He took a sip of his drink. 'I'll tell you my story,' he said. 'If you think I'm nuts, when I'm done, then I guess there's no helping that. You're not recording, are you? No? That's good.

'I'm an engineer. I've been up and down to the station in the last seven years more times than I can remember. Before the Nova left, I did a lot of work on the s.h.i.+p, particularly in the living-quarters. After that I helped with the design of the new wing they're putting on the station. I've done construction, too. I'm a good worker. A level headed fellow. You can check that out if you don't believe me.'

'I believe you,' Terry said.

'Spending so much time at the station, I got to know Lisa.' Herb smiled sadly. 'She was one of those people who was so full of life. In a lot of ways she reminded me of Dr Wagner. She was wild, Lisa was. It got where we were spending a lot of time together. Of course, this was after the Nova had left. She told me frankly at the start that she had a crush on Major Gary Wheeler. That didn't upset me. All the women on the station loved Gary. When the Hawk seemed to collide with the Nova, she was devastated. But she got over it. Lisa was a strong girl. The papers - they're making her out to be a nut. But she wasn't, and I knew her as well as anybody.

'When Lauren and Gary suddenly appeared out of the deep s.p.a.ce, the whole station turned upside down. A few of us had just been about to come back to Earth. I was one of them. But all traveling was canceled when the quarantine began. Lauren and Gary were isolated, to a certain degree, but the station's only so big. We ended up seeing a lot of them. Like I said, I knew Lauren, but not well enough to pop into her cabin for a casual talk. She wasn't speaking to many people, anyway. At first I thought the president or Ramsey had given her orders to keep silent about Mars.

'But Lisa was spending time with Gary. At first I was jealous, but let me tell you, I wasn't mad. There's a difference. I could understand. He was a big hero. I was only another engineer. It's important you understand that. I'm not trying to get back at Gary, not without good reason.

'Lisa would visit him in his room after her s.h.i.+ft. I didn't know if they were having s.e.x or what, but she started to get depressed. I asked her what was the matter, but she shrugged off my questions. I thought maybe Gary's amputated arm had her down. The days went by and her depression got worse. I'd pa.s.s her in the corridor and she would ignore me. The next day, though, she'd stop and hug me and say how much she loved me. Finally she admitted that her relations.h.i.+p with Gary was awful, that it was dragging her down. But she was still spending plenty of time in his room. She seemed repelled by him, but at the same time drawn to him.

'My room was changed the last week of the quarantine. I'd been sharing a room with another engineer, but a senator was flown up from Was.h.i.+ngton to talk to Lauren and Gary. Naturally, he got my bed. I was stuffed in a closet-size room adjacent to Lauren's room. They gave me a mattress to put on the floor and promised me it would only be for a few days. What the h.e.l.l. I didn't care where I slept.

'I was lying on my mattress during a rest period when I heard strange laughter. It was coming from Dr Wagner's room. I listened closer. There were two people, a man and a woman. But their voices sounded deep and rough. And they seemed to be speaking in a weird language. After a while they stopped and I fell asleep.'

Herb's mouth twitched. His skin had an unhealthy pasty texture to it that seemed to worsen as his story continued. It was almost as if the rehash of the memory caused something unpleasant to sweat through his pores. Just looking at him made Terry uneasy.

'During my next rest period I heard the laughter again,' Herb continued. 'I was curious. I told you I'd helped construct the station. I know its internal layout as well as anybody. I left my room and walked over to one of the main ventilation ducts, just down the corridor. The ducts are big, and you can see how skinny I am. I knew I could crawl inside this one without getting stuck, as long as I didn't try to turn around. Feeling like a criminal, I looked both ways and then removed the duct's grille and squirmed inside. My plan was to creep close enough to Dr Wagner's air vent to hear exactly who was talking and laughing in the weird voices.

'I was maybe fifteen feet away from her vent when I stopped. I wasn't sure why, but I began to feel scared. The light s.h.i.+ning out her vent was a dull red. I figured she must have put some kind of filter over her lights. I listened closely. At first I heard nothing. Then the laughter started again.'

Herbert Fry stopped and drained his gla.s.s in a single gulp. His hands shook. 'It was terrible. The voices belonged to Lauren and Gary, I could tell that much, but they weren't human voices. They were full of ba.s.s. They were thick and twisted and they rumbled as they laughed. Just the sound of them made me feel sick to my stomach. I can't tell you how awful the sound was. Then occasionally they would stop laughing and say words they must have found in the Satanic Bible. They said the words like they were incantations. I p.i.s.sed my pants just listening, and I mean that literally.

'But I didn't move, I couldn't. I couldn't get my body to work. Then suddenly Dr Wagner shrieked, and there was this smell - an acidic, fetid odor. It smelled like something that could burn the inside lining of your nose if you got too close to its source'. It stank, and it did something else. It was a smell that went right inside your brain. All of a sudden I had an avalanche of perverted thoughts. I wanted to rape an eight-year-old-girl and then dismember her. I wanted to bite a chicken's head off and drink its blood. Right then, with that stink in the air, I would have enjoyed doing both those things.'

Herb coughed, as if he were trying to clear the same foul smells from his lungs right now. He seemed unable to fully catch his breath.

'Then the laughter stopped and I heard this s...o...b..ry sucking sound,' he said. 'Dr Wagner groaned with sighs of pleasure. But at the same time she sounded as if she was in pain, as if she was smothering or something.

'I couldn't take it. I began to inch back toward the corridor. It took me half an hour to get out of the duct. I was trying not to make any sound, but the main reason was because my muscles had lost their strength. When I finally reached the corridor, I replaced the grille on the duct and went back to my room. I lay down on my mattress, but I couldn't sleep. I got up and wandered about the station until my s.h.i.+ft started. Then I spent ten hours playing with my pencils. Later I ate dinner with some friends in the cafeteria. Lauren was there. She sat alone in the corner, spooning a gla.s.s of water into her mouth. She stared at me from across the room. I tried not to look at her, but she wouldn't stop looking at me. I knocked over a gla.s.s of milk I was drinking. Her eyes were like two long knives cutting into my head. I didn't know how, but I knew she knew I'd been listening to her and Gary. She finally grinned at me, and licked her lips, and got up and walked away.'

Herb fidgeted. The chair was not big enough for him. Or it was too big. He just couldn't get comfortable. He acted like a long-term prisoner who cried for freedom, but secretly feared the bars of his cell were about to topple down.

'I spent the next five days trying to avoid her and Gary,' Herb said. 'I don't know how I did it. I thought of telling the commanding officer of the station what I'd heard, but I couldn't imagine it. They'd think I was insane, or some kind of peeping pervert. The general would just pa.s.s it off as a private affair between the two. I'd lose my job. I was even worried about going to prison. You see, no one else noticed anything unusual. Gary and Lauren were two heroes. Plus everyone knew Lisa had been my girl, and that she was now seeing Gary. If I opened my mouth, you can imagine how it would go over.

'I didn't even tell Lisa what I'd heard. Maybe if I had, she'd be alive today. But I did tell her to stay away from Gary. That was no problem with her. She said she was never going to see him again. She didn't say why, and I didn't ask. I was just glad. What I didn't realize was the damage had already been done.

'Finally it was time for Gary and Lauren to leave. The general wanted us to all line up in a row in the corridor and say goodbye to them. There I was, standing with my back up against the wall among all the wellwishers when Lauren walked by. She stopped smack in front of me. I started shaking like I had never done in my life. She knew it, too. She just stood there and looked me over real slow. Then she grinned and said she hoped we could get together sometime soon. Before I could respond, she leaned over and kissed me on the lips. She kissed me hard; she ran her tongue around inside my mouth. Her breath smelled like a plugged toilet. I swear, I almost fainted. She whispered in my ear that I was hers now. Hers. Then she gave my crotch a hard squeeze and walked away. Since then a minute doesn't go by when I pray I never see her again.'

Herb's eyes moistened. A solitary tear traced over his sunken cheek. He coughed again, this time dryly.

'A day later, Lisa got the knife and killed herself,' he said. 'It was a mess. Her blood floated through the air in freefall and got in the ventilation ducts and sprayed half the station. But you know, it's funny. I wasn't that surprised. After Lauren kissed me, I began to have nightmares, of rats chewing on my d.i.c.k, and spiders eating my eyes. I couldn't rest. I still can't. I feel cold no matter how many blankets I use. I feel like I'm going mad, like Lisa must have. But you know, we never talked about them except that one time I told her to avoid Gary. Then it was too late. If she hadn't slit her throat first, I probably would have by now.

'The day after Lisa died, I got in the shuttle down to Florida. I was happy to be away from the station, but now I don't know if it was such a good idea to come to Earth. I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept thinking of what she said, that I was hers. I lie awake in bed and imagine her coming to my window, coming for me. Oh, Jesus.' Herb buried his head in his hands, suddenly overcome. 'You've got to help me. You can't let her get me.'

Terry had no doubt Herb was sincere. Close to the end of his story, his voice had become steadily more agitated. His fear was clearly genuine. The real question was: was he sane? Terry had serious doubts. Granted, Lauren had acted weird in California, but Terry had been able to rationalize her behavior because of what had happened to Jennifer, and his part in it. Lauren had been through a dozen separate traumas. In fact, in retrospect, it would have been odd if she hadn't been a little strange.

Are you dismissing his story because he just told you your ex-fiancee's f.u.c.king another man?

Terry hadn't enjoyed hearing that. That part was probably true. Gary was a hero. He was just an expert on c.o.c.kroaches. But the rest of Herb's story... What was there to believe? What was Herb talking about? A little pinch and then, sweet? It was all s.h.i.+t. He was talking about nothing, the way Lauren had talked. They were probably both nuts. Gary could have her.

Why did he have to tell me about all that sucking s.h.i.+t? I didn't need to hear that.

'Who have you told these things to?' Terry asked.

Herb shook his head, trying to get a grip on himself. 'No one. No one would believe me.'

'Why did you think I would?' Terry asked.

Herb's face momentarily lost all color, before it flushed a thin red. 'You were her fiance"! You loved her. You went to see her. You would know she wasn't the same person better than anybody. And she wasn't the same, was she?'

'Well, she's been through a lot.'

'So what?' Herb said bitterly. 'If someone dipped me in a vat of acid, I wouldn't behave like her.'

Terry sighed. 'Herb, listen to yourself. You're saying that their trip to Mars somehow made Gary and Lauren dangerous. You've already explained why you think no one would believe your story. Maybe you should think about those reasons more closely.'

'What did I have to say!' Herb erupted. 'That I heard two people laughing strangely? That they made strange sucking sounds when they were s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g?'

'Please,' Terry said.

'That Dr Wagner had bad breath? How could I tell anybody stuff like that?'

'That's my point exactly.'

Herb lowered his head. He still didn't seem able to catch his breath properly. The air made a faint wheezing sound as it went in and out of his lungs. He began to weep quietly. 'I don't know what to do. I'm just afraid. Lisa's in a plastic bag in some morgue, and I'm talking to you here, but I'm afraid I'm going to be in a bag soon, too.'

Terry tried to be sympathetic. 'You saw nothing. You only heard a few unusual sounds. You were crammed in a ventilation duct. I would think all kinds of bad smells must float around in ducts like that. You're in no danger, and you don't have any reason to think Lauren and Gary are dangerous. You can't blame them for Lisa's suicide.'

'But what about my nightmares?' Herb asked.

What about mine? What about Jennifer's? Nightmares are nightmares. They go away when you turn on the light. Sleep with the light on, the way I do.

'You're upset,' Terry said. 'You just lost a girlfriend in a horrible way. It's no wonder you're having bad dreams.'

'But what about her eyes? They're like a witch's.'

'Herb,' Terry began.

'When I sat down,' Herb interrupted, getting desperate, 'I asked you if she had changed. You didn't answer me straight, but you implied she had. What about that?'

Terry considered. 'It's true Lauren and I didn't have much of a talk when I visited her. But things have changed between us. I was taking care of her sister and... Oh, it's a personal matter. The point is, Lauren has good reason to be angry at me.'

Herb moaned. 'You think I'm nuts. No one's going to believe me not until it's too late.'

'Too late?' Terry asked. Herb shook his head. Terry continued, 'What are you saying, anyway? I still love Lauren, you know. If you can prove to me she's in trouble, then I'll do anything to help her.'

Herb stared at him. 'Do you really want to know what I think?'

'Sure.'

Herb's green eyes didn't blink. 'They're not human beings anymore.'

Terry played with his coffee. I see.'

'They're some kind of monsters. Her especially. Listen to me! I can prove it. On Mars they found a surviving Russian - Ivan Zossima. But that's impossible. n.o.body could have lived there that long. Now all the scientists have fancy theories about how he got by. But it's bulls.h.i.+t!'

'Do you have a theory?' Terry asked. Herb was making him nervous. Terry had thought it sounded like bulls.h.i.+t, too.

'It was two years. I don't care that he was by himself. The Russians didn't pack that many supplies into the Karamazov.'

'I can't argue with you there. I'm not an expert on s.p.a.ces.h.i.+ps.'

'Well, I am!' Herb gripped his empty gla.s.s so tight his knuckles turned white. He was trying so hard not to tremble he was making the table shake. 'Lauren and Gary are getting out in a day or two. They'll be traveling around with no one watching them. Don't you see, she's not the same person who went to Mars. She looks the same on the outside, but inside she's an alien.' Herb began to cry again. 'She's going to come for me. She's going to kill me.' He reached over and gripped Terry's hands. 'She could be on her way now.'

Terry felt a wave of compa.s.sion as he looked in the poor man's haunted face. Herb needed help, professional help.

'She won't get you,' Terry said firmly. 'She doesn't know where you are. How could she?'

Herb continued to hold onto him. 'She knows where you live. What are you going to do?'

'I'm going to think over what you've said and get back to you. Where are you staying? Here, give me your address and phone number.' Terry pulled a small white pad and a blue ballpoint from his coat pocket. Herb took them gratefully and began to jot down the information. His handwriting was as smooth as any five-year-old's.

'You'll call me?' he asked pitifully.

'I promise,' Terry said. 'I'll call you tonight. You have my number. I stay up late. If you have trouble sleeping, you can call me.'

'But we have to do something.'

'We will. We'll examine the situation closely and then make some decisions. We have time, don't worry.'

Herb shook his head anxiously. 'I told you, their quarantine at Edwards won't last more than another couple of days.'

Terry squeezed his hand. 'Trust me, Herb. Everything's going to be all right.'

Herb finally nodded in an exhausted acceptance. 'I didn't tell you. I was on the team that inspected the Nova after it returned. The last inspection wasn't long after she gave me her goodbye kiss. I searched her personal locker. I was looking for evidence, I guess. Her belongings were still there. There were a few books, pictures of you and her sister - she just left it all. She left this as well.' Herb pulled a wrinkled envelope from his back pocket. 'This letter was in her locker. You can see it has your name on it.' He shrugged wearily. 'I didn't open it.'

Terry took the letter, feeling its weight. 'Thank you.'

Herb climbed to his feet and glanced anxiously around the bar. 'It's dark in here. Her room was always dark. I have to get outside in the sun.' He gripped Terry's hand again. 'Call me. You promise to call me?'

Terry stood and patted Herb on the back. 'We'll get together soon. Take care of yourself. Go for a walk in the park. Get some fresh air and then get some rest.'

Herb nodded. 'Yeah, I need some air.' He stepped away and turned. 'Thanks for listening to me. You're a good man, Terry. I like you. You'll call?'

'Yes.'

'Good. That's good.'

Herb left. Terry sat down and motioned for a refill on his cup. When the waitress was through, he tore open the envelope and pulled the slip of paper out. It was definitely Lauren's handwriting, extremely neat and tiny. Holding the letter close to the candle on his table, he began to read: Dear Terry, I need to talk to you, but you're far away and the radio's broken. I thought if I wrote this letter, though, you would know how I felt. My thoughts would cross s.p.a.ce, and you would hear me in that silent place inside where you listen for inspiration for your stories. I want to inspire you. I want to tell you beautiful things. But it's hard right now.

I know Jenny's dead. I know both of us feel like dying. But we can't do that. Mars taught me that much. You see, Terry, there are things on Mars that can take the life out of a man or woman and put in something else. They're evil. They're like the devil. I know you've always wondered why I didn't believe in G.o.d. I guess my answer never seemed very smart. I couldn't believe in G.o.d because there was too much pain in the world. But now that I've been to a world where pain is the only thing there is, my view is changing. I don't know why. Maybe I had to walk a long way into the dark to brave the light. Maybe I had to meet a devil to realize there might be angels.

Jenny was an angel, wasn't she? She was like a bright light. I was just sitting by the window a few minutes ago, looking at the stars, and I thought I saw her in the sky. I know she's there, in the starry sky. I know she'll stay there as long as we remember her together. We'll be together soon, Terry. We won't let her go. Our love for her will keep her star alive. We won't let each other go.

We'll live and be happy. I love you. I'll always love you. Take care.

Lauren Terry dropped the letter and stopped breathing. He just stopped. The person who had written this was not the same person he'd seen in California. He had thought Lauren blamed him for Jennifer's death. That was the only reason he could find for her strange behavior. But that reason had been wrong.

Now he had a couple of other reasons.

'They're not human beings anymore.'1 They're like the devil.

Two different witnesses. Saying the same thing.