The Language Of Sisters Part 1

The Language of Sisters.

Amy Hatvany.

For Angie.

Prologue.

I was at work when it happened. I had just finished folding pungent wild blueberries into the creamy m.u.f.fin batter, thinking how the brilliant purple streaks that trailed each berry stood out like a bruise against white skin. I was about to fill the greased-and-readied pan when something stopped me. Something tangible, like the thump of a fist against my chest-I felt it. I felt my sister's voice for the first time in years, the way I used to feel it when we were children, coursing through me like my own blood, hearing her thoughts the way no one else could. Can you hear a whisper in your heart? Across the miles, the years, through callused layers of resentment and anger and pain, can a voice as familiar to you as your own slice through it all and find you? Help, she said softly, and the m.u.f.fin tin fell from my grasp and landed with a clatter on the concrete floor.

Barry's head poked out from the dish room that punctuated the long, narrow kitchen in the back of the bakery. A heavy electronic drumbeat thumped in the air behind him, the radio tuned to the dance music station where his current boyfriend was an early-morning disc jockey. "Everything okay in there, champ?" Barry inquired, the familiar sight of his blond poodle-fluff explosion of hair and long, wiry limbs bringing me back from wherever I had been.

"Yeah, fine," I said, grinning at him shakily, my heart still resonating from the impact of Jenny's voice, my mind racing to think what trouble she might possibly be in, why she could need my help badly enough for me to feel it hundreds of miles away.

Rubbing his large hands in the folds of a linen towel, Barry tilted the fuzzy tip of his goatee into his chest. "You sure, now? Not wis.h.i.+ng you'd kept that fancy therapist's gig?"

I shook my head and reached for a clean tin from under my workstation. "Nah. Just checking to see if you were awake," I said, gesturing for him to go back to work with a wave of my hand. He acknowledged me with a tiny dish towel salute, then disappeared into his cave.

Grateful for the brief distraction from the worry that had risen within me, I refastened my defiant red mop into a ponytail at the base of my neck and got back to work, preparing the clean tin and filling it with batter. As I slid it into the s.h.i.+ny convection oven behind me, I thought how lucky I was to work with Barry. We'd met six months before, when I'd closed my budding therapy practice to become a baker. The decision to switch careers hadn't been a terribly complicated one: I'd simply realized that someone as screwed up as I was had no business telling other people how to remedy what was wrong with their lives. Barry didn't expect me to tell him anything; in fact, most mornings we barely spoke. We met at the front door of the bakery at three a.m., nodding our greeting. We understood that at this hour words were beside the point.

I had fallen easily into this routine of silent communication with Barry; it was a language already tightly woven into my subconscious, taught to me long ago by a sister whose profound disabilities had robbed her of words. The thought of Jenny's angelic, heart-shaped face stopped me in my tracks. Crossing my bare arms over my chest and leaning against the smooth edge of the counter, I stared blindly at the aged brick wall in front of me, surrendering to the insistent pull of the past.

It had been a decade since I'd seen my sister, since the day I walked out of the Wellman Inst.i.tute, leaving her in the care of people she did not know, did not love or trust. I considered the ugly mixture of cowardice and pa.s.sivity that had plagued me for the last ten years, and had kept me wrapped in the safe coc.o.o.n of a life I had created in San Francisco. I had no excuses. It was simply too hard. I could not stand the thought of seeing her in that place, soaked in the rancid odor of excrement and neglect.

Nor could I forgive what my father had done to our family by convincing my mother to place Jenny there, a decision that had given me the final push I needed to remove him from my life permanently. The little I knew about my sister's life I learned secondhand through infrequent calls from my mother. Those conversations were brief and awkward, smoldering with tension. I avoided them at any cost.

Help.

The word interrupted my thoughts and bounced through my body like an echo, the sound of Jenny's voice lingering in my heart like the s.h.i.+ver from a nightmare, the kind of s.h.i.+ver that clings to your skin even though you know whatever is haunting you was only a dream. That was it. I had to know if I was imagining things or if something had actually happened to her. Maybe my mother had called me at home and gotten the machine.

Shane never answered anything but his cell phone. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was just past six o'clock. After a year of living together, I knew he'd be awake, sitting at the small wrought-iron table in our Tuscany-style kitchen, his meticulously pressed navy blue suit setting off his eyes like an alarm. His blond head would be bent over the files of the cases he would prosecute that day, a forgotten cup of black coffee cooling on the counter. I didn't know why he bothered brewing anything; he was always too focused on work to remember to drink it.

A call from me would probably only annoy him, so I decided to swallow my apprehension and take the chance my mother would be awake, getting ready for the bank teller's job she had worked at since my father divorced her eight years ago. I picked up the cordless phone, slowly and deliberately punching in the number to my childhood home. It rang four times before she answered.

"h.e.l.lo?" she said, the sound of her conjuring up a usually well-repressed pile of feelings into a small storm inside me.

"Hi," I exhaled. "It's Nicole."

"Nicky," she said, surprise wrapped around her voice.

I gritted my teeth at the childish shortening of my name. "Nicole," I corrected her as I glanced at the cloudy illuminated window of the oven to check the level of browning on the m.u.f.fins. They needed just a minute more.

"Right. I know. I named you." She paused. "Did somebody at Wellman call you?"

Antic.i.p.ation sent cold fingers dancing up my spine. "No. Is Jenny all right?" The pounding of Barry's radio matched the sprinting beat of my heart.

I heard her inhale several times, perhaps trying to keep back tears. It had been so long since I'd been around her, I couldn't be sure. Tucking the phone between my ear and shoulder, I grabbed the thick silver oven mitts and lifted the pan out of the oven, carrying it over to the cooling rack while I waited for her to respond. "Mom?" I prompted as the toasted b.u.t.ter scent of finished m.u.f.fins filled the air around me with their sweet perfume.

She cleared her throat. "Sorry. It's just so strange that you'd call today. I only found out last night."

"Jesus," I said, exasperated. I felt like I was trying to coerce information from a reluctant suspect. I walked back over to my worktable and set my hands flat against its cool metal surface, pressing the phone into my shoulder with the side of my head. "Found out what?"

She paused again, then finally spoke, her voice quiet, barely above a whisper. "Jenny was raped."

The weight of those three small words traveled through the phone line and landed like a boulder in my belly. "Oh, no," I breathed. My heart shook in my chest. I had been expecting something, anything: a sickness, an accident, but not this. Hot, thick tears flooded my throat, and I swallowed hard to keep my composure. "By who?"

"A nurse's aide, they think. They're pretty sure it was him." Her voice trembled.

"G.o.ddammit." I kicked an enormous bucket full of brown sugar. The lid popped off and jumped to the floor. I kicked it, too.

"G.o.d had nothing to do with this."

I let go of a disgusted sigh. I didn't give a rat's a.s.s what she thought about G.o.d. I was surprised she still had anything to do with Him.

She digested the bitter silence that followed. "There's more," she finally said. "Your sister ... " She trailed off, then quickly began again. "She's pregnant."

The storm inside me quickly progressed into a tornado, drowning out my senses. The bakery seemed to disappear; the world around me was suddenly reduced to a two-inch sh.e.l.l of insufficient oxygen. As things slowly began to fade back into focus, I realized my mother was still speaking. "... And so maybe it would be good if you could come. Will you come home, Nicky?"

The first words that came to me spilled from my lips before I could rein them in. "I'll be there as soon as I can," I said numbly. I hung up and dropped the phone to the floor, then sank there after it. I felt detached from my body; the too-short legs and slightly fleshy belly belonged to someone else. Someone who didn't have a sister who was pregnant by a monster. Someone who didn't have to face a past she thought she had left behind.

A moment later Barry strode out of the dish room, a stack of yellow dessert plates balanced in each of his wide palms. Seeing my sagging figure on the floor, he rushed to set his load on the counter. When he folded his body down next to me, I gratefully leaned into his strong embrace, my cheek pressed against the xylophone of his rib cage. "What's wrong, champ?" he whispered against my hair. His T-s.h.i.+rt was damp and smelled of detergent and healthy male sweat. "m.u.f.fins giving you a hard time?"

I made a noise that was half sob, half laugh, then whispered into his chest, "My sister's been raped." The words felt like a cat's claws against my skin. Knowing he'd understand my need for silence, I simply closed my eyes and let him hold me. I pressed my hand firmly over my aching heart, hopeful that Jenny might feel my touch and know her sister had heard her call.

I was finally going home.

At first, we had not known anything was wrong with Jenny. She had been such a stunning baby-much prettier than I ever was. When I was three and Jenny was a newborn, my mother took us to a small park in our neighborhood, where I could climb on the jungle gym while she held court and allowed other mothers to croon over her perfect second daughter.

Jenny came out of the womb with dark brown hair and skin creamy as milk splashed with brushstrokes of rosy peach. Her eyes were a deep, viscous indigo, huge and round in her tiny baby head, framed by rows of lashes so lush you longed to touch them to see if they were real. She was the human embodiment of a porcelain doll.

"She's just perfect!" the women would exclaim as my mother sat straight and proud on the park bench, cradling Jenny as though she might shatter if she were jiggled the wrong way.

Mom would smile the small, secret smile of a mother who knew the exceptional beauty of her child. She'd gently brush a curl from Jenny's forehead. "Isn't she? She's an angel, too. Slept through the night the first week she was home."

There would be a collective gasp from the women, followed by several comments about their own children's nightmarish first-year sleeping habits.

"Oh, don't feel bad," my mother would a.s.sure them. "That's my first girl, Nicky," and she would gesture toward me as I proceeded to do something the exact opposite of perfect, like pour sand down the front of my dress or stick a lollipop into my matted red curls. "She didn't sleep more than two hours straight until she was fifteen months. I figure I was due for an angel baby."

An angel baby. I wondered later what that made me: Jenny's demon counterpart? I was definitely strong-willed where my sister was complacent. Our mother could leave her in her crib for hours at a time and Jenny would sleep, wake up and bat playfully at her mobile, then sleep again until someone came to get her. She rarely cried. I, however, ran like holy h.e.l.l through our house until I finally collapsed on the floor and someone dragged me, usually kicking and screaming, to bed.

When Jenny was still an infant, I used to poke at her as she lay quietly on the floor to see if I could get her to cry. She might whimper at too tight a pinch, but mostly she just stared at me with her enormous, dark eyes, cooing softly. We spent hours on the floor together. I became fascinated with her eyes, and through them, I heard her voice long before she ever spoke.

At thirteen months, Jenny was still not sitting up all the way; instead, she slumped forward at almost a forty-five-degree angle, using the muscles in her neck to lift her head to look at you. She couldn't walk yet, either, but managed a sort of combat crawl, her arms pulling her thin body across the floor. While our father insisted on believing that Jenny was simply a slow starter, our mother had begun to worry.

It was around this time that Jenny said her first word, and my mother's fears were temporarily quelled. It was a dark and bl.u.s.tery northwest winter afternoon, unfit for outside play, so Jenny and I were lying on our bellies in the living room looking at our family photo alb.u.m. Heavy gusts of wind propelled drops of rain against our house like bullets from a gun. There was a thick white towel beneath the upper part of Jenny's body to protect the gray s.h.a.g carpet from the saliva that ran at a constant drip from her mouth. Mom was in the kitchen trying to get dinner ready before Dad got home from work; the rich aroma of roasted chicken and freshly baked yeast rolls laced the air around us. I explained the pictures to Jenny as she batted at the pages, trying to turn them herself.

"This is a cow, Jenny," I said, my four-year-old ego bursting at the seams as I showed her the shots my father had taken during our family's recent trip to the Evergreen State Fair. "A cow says, 'Moo-o-o-o.'"

Jenny stared hard at the page, her eyes seeming to suck up the image into her brain.

"This is me standing next to the cow," I continued. "Do you see me? I'm almost touching her leg."

Jenny swung her gaze sideways to look at me, then back to the page. "Nic," she said suddenly, the one syllable sounding more like a cough in the back of her throat than my name.

I stared dumbly at her for a moment, not believing what I'd heard. She had been making nonsensical noise for months, but never had her intent been so clear. The sound came again, more p.r.o.nounced this time. "Nic." Her entire face blossomed with pride. She blinked several times, rapidly, her thick lashes brus.h.i.+ng the apples of her cheeks.

"Mom!" I yelled, jumping up from the floor and leaping excitedly onto the couch by the front window. "Come here! Jenny just said my name!"

Our mother walked in from the kitchen, wiping her hands with a white dish towel, looking harried. Her willowy frame was clad in blue jeans and a red sweater, both dusted generously with flour. Her pale, angled cheeks were flushed from the heat of the kitchen, and the muscles of her slender, heart-shaped face drooped with fatigue. Her dark brown waves hung loose around slightly sloping shoulders. With a bent wrist, she brushed a thin strand back from her face, frowning at me. "Please don't jump on the couch, Nicky."

"Nic!" Jenny exclaimed again, twisting her head to look at our mother.

Mom's pale green eyes, slanted like a cat's, glowed electric with surprise. I jumped gleefully on the cus.h.i.+ons. "See? I told you! Yay, Jenny!" I yelled.

Mom went to Jenny, helping her to sit up. She held her younger daughter tightly, rocking her, not saying a word. I caught my sister's gaze with my own, and though neither of us made a sound, I remember hearing my name over and over again in the endless blue of her eyes.

Jenny quickly acquired a few more words: "Mama" being the next, then "kitty." But after our initial excitement it didn't take long for her to stop speaking entirely. She lost interest in most everything, often gazing off into s.p.a.ce with a vacant stare.

What most disturbed my parents, though, was that Jenny stopped looking them in the eye. If they tried catching her glance, even using their hands to direct her gaze back at them, Jenny would twist her head and avert her eyes, as though the visual contact caused her some great internal pain. "Come on, sweetie," my mother would plead with her, trying over and over to get her attention. "You can do it. I know you can." The heavy ache in my mother's voice stung my heart, and I, too, did everything my child mind could come up with to make Jenny respond. Nothing worked.

Profoundly r.e.t.a.r.ded. Two words that loom in the back of a parent's mind like the threat of a diabolical storm. My father exploded at the news. "Not my child," he thundered at my mother, his sapphire eyes flas.h.i.+ng. His freckled face burned scarlet, and his carrot-colored curls stood out from his head in wild disarray. He looked like a lit match.

"My child is not r.e.t.a.r.ded," he insisted. "The doctor is wrong." Then he pressed both his rough carpenter's hands flat over his face as though they could restrain his grief. It was the only time I ever remember seeing him cry. From the very beginning, Daddy took Jenny's disabilities as a personal affront, as though she were somehow offending him for being an imperfect child. He stood his long, thin body up straight and defied her disease, daring it to change his life in any way.

My mother took on the diagnosis as a challenge, a problem to be solved. It immediately became her mission to find a name for the monster that was robbing her beautiful child of a normal life.

For me, Jenny simply remained my sister. At five, all I knew was my instinct to protect her, to get her to laugh, and to love her. It took longer for me to realize her differences and then, later, to finally try to escape them.

In less than twenty-four hours my life in San Francisco was pretty well wrapped up, which made me ponder for a moment just how much of a life it actually was. I wasn't a terribly social person, so there were few friends to call. The weekend baker was more than happy to pick up my s.h.i.+fts while I was away. Barry had promised to take over my daily food deliveries to the park near the bakery, where I had recently befriended a homeless family; I simply could not stand the idea of their little girl going hungry. Shane would take care of my three-legged dog, Moochie, whom I had adopted from the shelter where I sporadically volunteered. I left a detailed feeding-and-walk schedule taped to the refrigerator, still a little fearful that the poor pup would starve to death while I was away. I left a message on my mother's answering machine, telling her I'd be arriving late that night. I was unsure whether she wasn't home because she'd gone to work or because she'd gone to Wellman to be with Jenny, but I hoped for the latter.

My biggest challenge had been in deciding what size suitcase to fill: a small one would say my visit would be short; a larger one might say I was planning to stick around. I finally settled on a medium-size black duffel bag that I'd found stuffed into the back of the closet; I hoped it would simply keep its mouth shut.

As I packed, I tried not to give in to the sense of trepidation I felt swelling within me. Everything in my mind screamed for me not to go, to stay in San Francisco, where it was safe, where I knew the boundaries of my life. Grabbing a handful of underwear from my dresser and shoving it into my bag, I tried to keep my thoughts focused on Jenny, what she must be feeling, how traumatized she must be.

I pushed away thoughts of seeing my mother again, facing the house where I grew up, having to deal with everything that happened within its walls. Jenny, I thought as I added two pairs of jeans to the messy pile in my bag. Jenny, I thought again, creating a chant out of her name. I counted the letters in her name, over and over again, keeping the image of my mother's face out of my mind. It was Jenny who needed me, Jenny I was going home to see. No matter the depth of my fear, nothing else mattered. I wouldn't let it.

By nine p.m. I was at the airport, alone. Shane had been appropriately horrified at the news of Jenny's rape but was waiting on a verdict for the case he had just wrapped up that morning. He didn't think he could make it out of the courthouse in time to see me off. I was pleasantly surprised, then, to see his tall, athletic figure striding toward me at the gate, his black trench coat flapping furiously around his long legs as he waved his briefcase in the air to catch my eye. I noticed the airline attendant stand up straighter behind her desk when she saw him heading in our direction. Then she was smoothing her platinum blond pageboy and smiling wide with bloodred lips. Shane had this effect on most women. Even in his sharp Armani suit, he had the look of that boy in junior high whose simple touch made you swear to your friends that you'd never again wash whatever body part had come in contact with him. So when he rushed up to me and dropped his briefcase to the floor for an enthusiastic embrace, the attendant lost her smile and looked away, probably amazed that a man as handsome as Shane was attracted to a short, slightly plump redhead like me. Most days it amazed me, as well.

Returning his hug, I smashed my face into the middle of his broad chest. "I thought you couldn't make it," I said accusingly, looking up to him and digging the sharp point of my chin into his breastbone.

He leaned down and kissed me soundly on the lips, then on the nose and both cheeks. "Mmm. Your freckles taste like cinnamon."

"Uh-huh," I said. "What about the jury?"

He grinned. "They came back sooner than I thought they would."

"And?" I prodded a bit impatiently, jiggling my arms around his waist, knowing he'd need to tell me his news before we could move on to the subject of my leaving.

"And you're looking at the only a.s.sistant D.A. to win five consecutive murder cases. I thought the boss would p.i.s.s his pants, he was so happy with me."

I smiled wryly. "Wow."

"How are you doing?" he finally asked, tilting his chin down and looking up at me from under his eyebrows.

"I don't really know." I shrugged, my ambivalence punis.h.i.+ng him a little for not asking me right away. "I'm more worried about how Jenny is doing." I was terrified, in fact, to think what she must have gone through, how she must have felt when that b.a.s.t.a.r.d climbed on top of her.... I shook my head, trying to erase the horrifying image from my mind.

"Let me know if there's anything I can do." He hugged me again and I basked in the security I felt in his arms, not knowing when I might feel it again.

"I'll miss you," he said, smothering his face into my neck, the roughness of his slight five o'clock shadow sending electric s.h.i.+vers zipping through my body.

"Me, too," I said, swallowing a sharp lump in my throat. I waited for him to say he'd go with me, caseload be d.a.m.ned. He'd pack up himself and Moochie and come to Seattle. I waited for him to ask me to stay, to let my mother deal with the situation. But our good-bye was cut short by the final call for my flight. After promising to call him the next day from my mother's house, I boarded the plane. My stomach lurched as we ascended into the black night sky, and I gripped the plastic armrests with cold fingers.

"Not a good flier, I take it?" the man in the seat next to me asked good-naturedly.

I shook my head. "Something like that." I wasn't about to explain to a complete stranger the real reason I was so shaky.

He lifted a substantial flask from his inside jacket pocket and wiggled it at me. "Me, neither."

I smiled politely but turned my head away and continued my attempt to hold myself steady. Jenny, I said to myself, making a little rhyme: One-two-three-four-five, J-e-n-n-y. A moment later, a flight attendant strolled by my seat, interrupting my internal chant.

"Ma'am?" she inquired. "You're more than welcome to take your seat belt off."

I nodded sharply to acknowledge that I'd heard her but did not release my grasp. After she went down the aisle, I kept my seat belt on, wearing it tight, checking its security again and again for the entire flight home.

The midnight air in Seattle was sweet and cool, filling my lungs with much-needed relief from the packaged oxygen I had breathed on the plane. It was the middle of May, but a slight winter chill still tickled my skin as I stepped outside the terminal, the thin cotton sweater and worn Levi's I had chosen as traveling clothes doing little to protect me from the elements. Sea-Tac Airport was quiet at this hour; only a few scattered taxis lined the pickup lane, and it wasn't long before I was sitting in the back of one headed north on I-5 toward the West Seattle exit. I s.h.i.+vered violently as I s.h.i.+fted against the cold leather of the seat. "Could you turn the heat on, please?" I asked my driver.

Reaching for the k.n.o.bs on the dash, he c.o.c.ked his head around to look at me. "Must've picked myself up a California girl."

I smiled halfheartedly, vigorously rubbing my biceps with both hands. "I've lived most of my life here, actually."

He nodded sharply. "You going home, then?"

"Looks like it," I said, the apprehension I felt taking up too much s.p.a.ce in my chest, leaving little room for air. I certainly didn't feel like chatting, so I turned to look out the window, hopeful the driver would take the hint and leave me alone for the rest of the ride. The lights of downtown twinkled before me, the Columbia Tower looming over the rest of the buildings as a father does over his children. The outline of the city looked odd to me, but it took a moment or two for me to realize what was missing.

Though I had watched the news footage of the Kingdome being demolished, the gray, hatbox-like structure had remained in my memories: the time I had spent there at Mariners games with my dad, sitting on the hard metal bleachers of the one hundred level, eating Red Vines and popcorn as he sipped a Big Gulpsize beer and hollered at the players. I smiled a bit, remembering how much I enjoyed that time with my father each season, just the two of us heading out for a Sat.u.r.day afternoon game.