According To Jane Part 25

"It-it's beautiful," I said, and I meant this. It was an incredibly thoughtful gesture. But, G.o.ddammit, it wasn't a marriage proposal. Why wasn't it a proposal?

"Oh, it's imported from London, naturally, and George Saints-bury wrote the preface. I don't know who he was, but the book dealer seemed impressed by this," Tim added. He concluded his oration by pointing to a description of the book on the inside cover flap, written in pencil above the price in British pounds.

Expensive gift, I couldn't help but notice. A few thousand dollars less than a diamond, however, not that I was ungrateful or that I even cared about the money side of it.

But why didn't he want to marry me?

I flipped through the first chapter, a little overwhelmed by the antique paper, which was still in surprisingly fine condition, and stared at the intricate pen-and-ink drawings that brought Elizabeth and Darcy to life on the fragile pages. The famous opening line, so familiar to me, seemed to laugh in my face as I read it again: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

In Tim's case, though, I was beginning to have my doubts.

A delightful gift, Jane commented, Tim's choice undoubtedly elevating his character in her estimation.

"Thank you," I said to Tim, giving him a light peck on the cheek. "You have no idea how much sentimental value I've attached to this particular novel."

Everyone in my family nodded pleasantly at our exchange except for Di, who shot me A Very Serious Look. Then she narrowed her eyes at my longtime boyfriend with such repugnance that it almost made me chuckle. Her irreverence gave me the courage to make it through the next few hours with a thread of patience.

But, like it or not, Tim Farthington III was going to have to deal with a confrontation soon.

I wanted some answers.

That night, at my two-year-old townhouse, I poured him a gla.s.s of Chardonnay and sat next to him on the loveseat. I, by contrast, opted for bottled spring water. My plan was to loosen him up a bit, but I needed to be 100 percent sober myself.

I waited until he was three-quarters through his second gla.s.s before saying, "So, what's your plan for the next few days? Any good ideas for a nearby getaway?"

He smiled, propping his sock-covered feet on the edge of my coffee table, the very image of contentedness and relaxation as he swallowed another mouthful of vino. "Dunno. We could tell everyone we're going to Galena or Milwaukee or somewhere, but just hang out at your place for a couple days instead. Order carryout for every meal. Turn on the answering machine and turn off the cell phone. Keep each other company." He traced a pattern on my knee with his fingertip and his smile broadened.

"That sounds fun," I said, aiming for bright and amicable. This was a vocal timbre I'd honed working with teens-pleasant but not sparkling, kind but with an edge of firmness. The appropriate lead-in tone to an inquisition.

"I'm gonna have another gla.s.s of wine, can I get you something?" Tim asked, standing up.

I shook my head, waited for him to return and plotted strategy.

When he sat down beside me again, this time noticeably closer, I covered his fingers with mine and said, "I love you, Tim." Which was true. It wasn't a fiery, pa.s.sionate love or the kind of love that made me hyperventilate from the sheer ma.s.siveness of the emotion, but it was a calm, gentle, appreciative love, one that felt every bit as real in a more understated way.

"Love you, too, Ellie." He kissed me lightly, his lips spiced with Chardonnay and the lingering flavor of my mom's shortbread cookies.

"I need to know something," I said to him, rubbing the pad of my thumb over his knuckles as if this were the promising start of a deep-tissue ma.s.sage. "You've mentioned before that you see us getting married someday. That's still true, right?"

"Mmm-hmm." He closed his eyes as my fingers moved from his hand up his arm and across to his shoulder. I kneaded the tense muscles there and around his neck, marking time until I could ask the important follow-up question.

He moaned once. Twice. Three times. And that was my cue. "When?" I said.

"Huh?"

"When?" I repeated. "When do you see us getting married? This coming year? The year after?"

He shrugged and pointed toward a tight spot between his shoulder blades. I slid my fingers to it. "Oooh. Right there." He paused. "I'm not in a rush, El. Are you?"

"Not in a rush as in next week or next month, but I am thirty-two. We've been together over three years, so it's not as though we don't know each other. And if we want to try for kids, we really can't wait indefinitely on it, you know?"

He sighed.

"What's that mean?" I said, still rubbing.

"I'm not so sure about the kid thing."

My fingers stilled. "You're not?"

He glanced over his shoulder at me and must've read something in my expression that made him put down his winegla.s.s, turn fully around and take both my hands in his. "No. Not really."

"But when we started dating, we talked about it! It was one of my first questions. I specifically asked you if you wanted to be a father someday, and you said, 'Sure, I do.' G.o.d, Tim, I remember."

He nodded. "I remember, too. And I thought back then that by the time it'd happen, I'd really feel that way. That I'd be ready. That I'd want it."

My jaw dropped. "But wait-you're saying you don't? That it hasn't happened for you, this feeling of wanting to be a dad? A parent...with me?"

He looked down at where our hands were joined and slowly shook his head. "It's not you," he whispered. "I'm so-G.o.d, I'm so sorry, Ellie, I don't want to do it. I just don't. I look at babies, like Bryce, and I panic. They're these little alien beings and I don't get them."

I inhaled, feeling relief flood my lungs. "That's natural, though," I told him. "Almost everybody feels that way around babies. I did, too, when-"

"No, El. It's not just the babies. Wyatt, he's a cute kid and everything, but I wouldn't want to deal with that age either. And before you tell me that they all grow up so fast and they're more fun once they can really talk or once they're in school or once they learn to play varsity sports, don't. Save your breath. I've heard all these arguments before from my friends and colleagues, and I just don't believe it. I know what I feel. And it's not parental."

I let go of his fingers and collapsed into the corner of the loveseat, my brain and body having turned to pulp.

"Ellie, I'm sorry," he said again. "Maybe in another few years-"

"Stop," I commanded.

He stopped.

I could hear my voice about to crack as I said, "I want the truth now. The whole truth, Tim. Is this really about having kids?"

He began to nod vehemently, but I put a stop to that, too.

"No," I said. "I want to know everything. Is this really about being a dad or is it about something else? Like not wanting to settle down, maybe? Not wanting to commit? Not wanting to combine bank accounts or be tied to one woman forever or, more specifically, to me?"

"I told you, Ellie, it's not you. I know you want kids and it's not fair for me to keep you waiting. If I change my mind in five years or ten, I can still do the parenthood thing but, you're right, you probably won't be able to then. For women the window's so much shorter. I'd marry you in a heartbeat if we didn't have this difference between us but-" He looked pained. "We do, and from what you've said you want, it's not going away."

Tears dripped down my face and it hurt to even take a breath. There was one more question I had to ask, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

I looked deep into his eyes and softly touched his cheek. "So, if I decided I didn't want kids after all, we could get married soon. This spring, maybe?"

Genuine alarm registered in those eyes before he had a chance to mask it. "Well, yeah," he said. "Of course."

Lying b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

I now had a ready exhibit of Male Type #7: The Commitment-Phobe. And, of course, an equally compelling example of how I'd been a blooming idiot for three years.

"Perhaps we'd better say good night." I jumped off the loveseat, the tears cascading faster now and the pain in my chest already leaving me gasping for air.

Oh, my G.o.d. It was going to be over between us. And I'd wasted all this time, energy, emotion, hope...I couldn't stop that thought from racing through my brain as Tim gathered up his things.

He glanced repeatedly at me in a semi-worried, semi-relieved manner. I wasn't sure what to make of that look as we stared at each other by my front door.

I was sure, though, I'd had way enough hurt in my romantic life. Every other time I'd responded by hardening my heart. Every other time when my soul felt crushed, I tied the protective s.h.i.+eld more firmly around myself. And it was never enough.

This time, I'd try embracing the pain and letting everything go soft. h.e.l.l, it wasn't like the heartache could get much worse, right?

"Thanks for telling me, Tim." I hugged him and kissed his lips, getting teardrop splotches everywhere, but I didn't care. "I-I need a few days, but maybe we can get together later in the week and...I don't know, talk or something."

"Okay," he whispered. He seemed confused at having gotten off the hook so easily. "Can I call you?"

"Sure." I sniffled. "Drive safe."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "I-um, I will." He paused. "G.o.d, Ellie. Are you gonna be all right?"

I was openly sobbing. My nose was running, so I had to keep wiping it on my sleeve. My heart had broken, yes, but it had broken open. All this pain would eventually float away, and I'd come through it just fine.

Probably.

I nodded at Tim and gently shut the door.

Jane said, Oh, Ellie. I am sorry.

Thanks, Jane, I murmured. But don't worry. I'll be okay.

And-here was the really strange part-within a few minutes my tears dried up and my heart felt relief, along with a cleansing lightness I could barely recall experiencing. I vaguely remembered the sensation from long ago. From a time before my first heartache. From before high school, even.

I believe it was called innocence.

The next morning, I woke up early feeling empty, as if I'd been fasting, but I accepted the ache that came with memory, pushed past it and drove through the post-Christmas, back-to-work traffic to Di's place.

"Ready to find out?" I asked her.

She held up a pregnancy test box. "Already got the kit. Just waiting for you to get your b.u.t.t over here."

I tossed my coat on a chair and marched her down to the bathroom. "You want me to come in with you, or should I just stand outside the door and twiddle my thumbs while the angels decide your fate?"

She rolled her eyes and pulled the directions out of the cardboard box. "You take these, geek, and read them to me. I can't think straight today." She pressed the brittle paper into my palm and squeezed my fingers with hers. Hard. It didn't help. Both our hands still trembled. "Just tell me what to do from out in the hall, okay?"

"Okay." I kissed her forehead, then I unfolded the paper and began scanning the tiny print.

She shut the bathroom door, listening to me as I read the instructions aloud. It wasn't exactly rocket science-pee on the stick, wait two full minutes, see if you got a blue line-but we were sweating the details as if lives were at stake.

And, well, let's face it, they were.

Di emerged from the bathroom after the proper time elapsed, holding the little plastic indicator thingy between her forefinger and her thumb. Her face was free of worry lines, but it was equally devoid of every other standard, I'm-taking-a-life-altering-pregnancy-test kind of emotion. She wore the blankest of expressions.

No apparent gut-twisting anxiety.

No praise-the-Lord elation.

No raging-at-the-world fury.

No nothing.

I couldn't take the mystery of it any longer. "Well?" I asked her.

She meekly waved the stick at me, paused for a millennium and then broke into the brightest, most genuine grin I'd ever seen on her face.

"I'm gonna be a mom," she announced.

12.

It is better to know as little as

possible of the defects of the person

with whom you are to pa.s.s your life.

-Pride and Prejudice Why was it that when you finally decided you really, truly wanted something, it seemed as though everyone but you had it already or was on the verge of getting it?

Four months later, it was April. Di was five months pregnant, expecting a boy (or so said the ultrasound) and newly attuned to what was happening in the Wide World of Pregnancy.

"Guess who's having triplets?" she said while we were sorting infant clothing at her place one morning.

WXRJ's Wild Ted was spinning top hits of the 1980s, which brought back some memories. I cranked up the volume on Journey's "Stone in Love," tossed a fuzzy blue sack-like sleeper atop the pile of already-washed items and said, "Who?"