The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists Part 91

'It's all right,' he said in a hoa.r.s.e whisper as he came up. I've got the stifficut.'

Misery took the paper eagerly and scanned it by the light of a match that Cra.s.s struck. It was the certificate right enough, and with a sigh of relief Hunter put it into his note-book and stowed it safely away in the inner pocket of his coat, while Cra.s.s explained the result of his errand.

It appeared that the other member of the Society, accompanied by s.n.a.t.c.hum, had called upon the old woman and had bluffed her into giving them the order for the funeral. It was they who had put her up to getting the certificate from the Coroner--they had been careful to keep away from the inquest themselves so as not to arouse Hunter's or Cra.s.s's suspicions.

'When they brought the body 'ome this afternoon,' Cra.s.s went on, 's.n.a.t.c.hum tried to get the stifficut orf 'er, but she'd been thinkin'

things over and she was a bit frightened 'cos she knowed she'd made arrangements with me, and she thought she'd better see me first; so she told 'im she'd give it to 'im on Thursday; that's the day as 'e was goin' to 'ave the funeral.'

'He'll find he's a day too late,' said Misery, with a ghastly grin.

'We'll get the job done on Wednesday.'

'She didn't want to give it to me, at first,' Cra.s.s concluded, 'but I told 'er we'd see 'er right if old s.n.a.t.c.hum tried to make 'er pay for the other coffin.'

'I don't think he's likely to make much fuss about it,' said Hunter.

'He won't want everybody to know he was so anxious for the job.'

Cra.s.s and Sawkins pushed the handcart over to the other side of the road and then, lifting the coffin off, they carried it into the house, Nimrod going first.

The old woman was waiting for them with the candle at the end of the pa.s.sage.

'I shall be very glad when it's all over,' she said, as she led the way up the narrow stairs, closely followed by Hunter, who carried the tressels, Cra.s.s and Sawkins, bringing up the rear with the coffin. 'I shall be very glad when it's all over, for I'm sick and tired of answerin' the door to undertakers. If there's been one 'ere since Friday there's been a dozen, all after the job, not to mention all the cards what's been put under the door, besides the one's what I've had give to me by different people. I had a pair of boots bein' mended and the man took the trouble to bring 'em 'ome when they was finished--a thing 'e's never done before--just for an excuse to give me an undertaker's card.

'Then the milkman brought one, and so did the baker, and the greengrocer give me another when I went in there on Sat.u.r.day to buy some vegetables for Sunday dinner.'

Arrived at the top landing the old woman opened a door and entered a small and wretchedly furnished room.

Across the lower sash of the window hung a tattered piece of lace curtain. The low ceiling was cracked and discoloured.

There was a rickety little wooden washstand, and along one side of the room a narrow bed covered with a ragged grey quilt, on which lay a bundle containing the clothes that the dead man was wearing at the time of the accident.

There was a little table in front of the window, with a small looking-gla.s.s upon it, and a cane-seated chair was placed by the bedside and the floor was covered with a faded piece of drab-coloured carpet of no perceptible pattern, worn into holes in several places.

In the middle of this dreary room, upon a pair of tressels, was the coffin containing Philpot's body. Seen by the dim and flickering light of the candle, the aspect of this coffin, covered over with a white sheet, was terrible in its silent, pathetic solitude.

Hunter placed the pair of tressels he had been carrying against the wall, and the other two put the empty coffin on the floor by the side of the bed. The old woman stood the candlestick on the mantelpiece, and withdrew, remarking that they would not need her a.s.sistance. The three men then removed their overcoats and laid them on the end of the bed, and from the pocket of his Cra.s.s took out two large screwdrivers, one of which he handed to Hunter. Sawkins held the candle while they unscrewed and took off the lid of the coffin they had brought with them: it was not quite empty, for they had brought a bag of tools inside it.

'I think we shall be able to work better if we takes the other one orf the trussels and puts it on the floor,' remarked Cra.s.s.

'Yes, I think so, too,' replied Hunter.

Cra.s.s took off the sheet and threw it on the bed, revealing the other coffin, which was very similar in appearance to the one they had brought with them, being of elms, with the usual imitation bra.s.s furniture. Hunter took hold of the head and Cra.s.s the foot and they lifted it off the tressels on to the floor.

''E's not very 'eavy; that's one good thing,' observed Hunter.

''E always was a very thin chap,' replied Cra.s.s.

The screws that held down the lid had been covered over with large-headed bra.s.s nails which had to be wrenched off before they could get at the screws, of which there were eight altogether. It was evident from the appearance of the beads of these screws that they were old ones that had been used for some purpose before: they were rusty and of different sizes, some being rather larger or smaller, than they should have been. They were screwed in so firmly that by the time they had drawn half of them out the two men were streaming with perspiration. After a while Hunter took the candle from Sawkins and the latter had a try at the screws.

'Anyone would think the dam' things had been there for a 'undred years,' remarked Hunter, savagely, as he wiped the sweat from his face and neck with his handkerchief.

Kneeling on the lid of the coffin and panting and grunting with the exertion, the other two continued to struggle with their task. Suddenly Cra.s.s uttered an obscene curse; he had broken off one side of the head of the screw he was trying to turn and almost at the same instant a similar misfortune happened to Sawkins.

After this, Hunter again took a screwdriver himself, and when they got all the screws out with the exception of the two broken ones, Cra.s.s took a hammer and chisel out of the bag and proceeded to cut off what was left of the tops of the two that remained. But even after this was done the two screws still held the lid on the coffin, and so they had to hammer the end of the blade of the chisel underneath and lever the lid up so that they could get hold of it with their fingers. It split up one side as they tore it off, exposing the dead man to view.

Although the marks of the cuts and bruises were still visible on Philpot's face, they were softened down by the pallor of death, and a placid, peaceful expression pervaded his features. His hands were crossed upon his breast, and as he lay there in the snow-white grave clothes, almost covered in by the white lace frill that bordered the sides of the coffin, he looked like one in a profound and tranquil sleep.

They laid the broken lid on the bed, and placed the two coffins side by side on the floor as close together as possible. Sawkins stood at one side holding the candle in his left hand and ready to render with his right any a.s.sistance that might unexpectedly prove to be necessary.

Cra.s.s, standing at the foot, took hold of the body by the ankles, while Hunter at the other end seized it by the shoulders with his huge, clawlike hands, which resembled the talons of some obscene bird of prey, and they dragged it out and placed it in the other coffin.

Whilst Hunter--hovering ghoulishly over the corpse--arranged the grave clothes and the frilling, Cra.s.s laid the broken cover on the top of the other coffin and pushed it under the bed out of the way. Then he selected the necessary screws and nails from the bag, and Hunter having by this time finished, they proceeded to screw down the lid. Then they lifted the coffin on to the tressels, covering it over with the sheet, and the appearance it then presented was so exactly similar to what they had seen when they first entered the room, that it caused the same thought to occur to all of them: Suppose s.n.a.t.c.hum took it into his head to come there and take the body out again? If he were to do so and take it up to the cemetery they might be compelled to give up the certificate to him and then all their trouble would be lost.

After a brief consultation, they resolved that it would be safer to take the corpse on the handcart to the yard and keep it in the carpenter's shop until the funeral, which could take place from there.

Cra.s.s and Sawkins accordingly lifted the coffin off the tressels, and--while Hunter held the light--proceeded to carry it downstairs, a task of considerable difficulty owing to the narrowness of the staircase and the landing. However, they got it down at last and, having put it on the handcart, covered it over with the black wrapper.

It was still raining and the lamp in the cart was nearly out, so Sawkins trimmed the wick and relit it before they started.

Hunter wished them 'Good-night' at the corner of the street, because it was not necessary for him to accompany them to the yard--they would be able to manage all that remained to be done by themselves. He said he would make the arrangements for the funeral as soon as he possibly could the next morning, and he would come to the job and let them know, as soon as he knew himself, at what time they would have to be in attendance to act as bearers. He had gone a little distance on his way when he stopped and turned back to them.

'It's not necessary for either of you to make a song about this business, you know,' he said.

The two men said that they quite understood that: he could depend on their keeping their mouths shut.

When Hunter had gone, Cra.s.s drew out his watch. It was a quarter to eleven. A little way down the road the lights of a public house were gleaming through the mist.

'We shall be just in time to get a drink before closing time if we buck up,' he said. And with this object they hurried on as fast as they could.

When they reached the tavern they left the cart standing by the kerb, and went inside, where Cra.s.s ordered two pints of four-ale, which he permitted Sawkins to pay for.

'How are we going on about this job?' inquired the latter after they had each taken a long drink, for they were thirsty after their exertions. 'I reckon we ought to 'ave more than a bob for it, don't you? It's not like a ordinary "lift in".'

'Of course it ain't,' replied Cra.s.s. 'We ought to 'ave about, say'--reflecting--'say arf a dollar each at the very least.'

'Little enough too,' said Sawkins. 'I was going to say arf a crown, myself.'

Cra.s.s agreed that even half a crown would not be too much.

''Ow are we going' on about chargin' it on our time sheets?' asked Sawkins, after a pause. 'If we just put a "lift in", they might only pay us a bob as usual.'

As a rule when they had taken a coffin home, they wrote on their time sheets, 'One lift in', for which they were usually paid one s.h.i.+lling, unless it happened to be a very high-cla.s.s funeral, when they sometimes got one and sixpence. They were never paid by the hour for these jobs.

Cra.s.s smoked reflectively.

'I think the best way will be to put it like this,' he said at length.

'"Philpot's funeral. One lift out and one lift in. Also takin' corpse to carpenter's shop." 'Ow would that do?'

Sawkins said that would be a very good way to put it, and they finished their beer just as the landlord intimated that it was closing time.

The cart was standing where they left it, the black cloth saturated with the rain, which dripped mournfully from its sable folds.

When they reached the plot of waste ground over which they had to pa.s.s in order to reach the gates of the yard, they had to proceed very cautiously, for it was very dark, and the lantern did not give much light. A number of carts and lorries were standing there, and the path wound through pools of water and heaps of refuse. After much difficulty and jolting, they reached the gate, which Cra.s.s unlocked with the key he had obtained from the office earlier in the evening.