The Wraiths Of Will And Pleasure Part 54

'Of course,' Mima said. There was an icy edge to her voice.

'Also, the moment that Lileem is fit to talk, send me word. She must speak to no one, including yourselves, until she has spoken to me. Is that clear?'

Mima inclined her head. 'As cut gla.s.s.'

'Good. Now, if you would be so kind, conduct Pellaz and I to the private room.' Opalexian took in all the occupants of the room with one sweeping, chilling glance. 'This household is nothing but trouble. I expect it is the influence of Cevarro blood. Now Thiede can have two of them on his hands. I almost pity him.' She smiled at Pellaz. 'But, of course, the best is yet in store for him. Are you ready, tiahaar?'

Pellaz stood up. 'More than so.'

Lileem was quite ill for some weeks after her return. Every day, she'd sit out in the garden, in a chair beneath the apple trees, her hands lying loosely in her lap. She didn't talk much and she didn't read. She was consumed by grief.

In the otherworld, her feelings for Terez had been frozen, but once she'd regained consciousness, in her new bed in the new house, they came cras.h.i.+ng back. She felt exactly how she'd felt on the night of the festival, when she and Terez had taken aruna together. Her first thoughts were of him, and the first thing she said to Ulaume, who happened to be in the room when she awoke was, 'Where's Terez?'

From the look on Ulaume's face, she feared that Terez had died. But then Ulaume told her the truth. She would never see Terez again. As if losing him wasn't bad enough, she also had to contend with another, perhaps deeper, sense of bereavement. Although in many respects she was glad to be home, she found she missed the otherworld. At night, when she looked at the sky, she yearned for the majestic splendour of the wheeling alien stars. When the sun rose, she thought of the incredible sunrises she had seen. She wanted to see them again. But it was not just for the magnificent landscape that she grieved. She was sure that some unbelievable truth about Wraeththu and Kamagrian lay hidden in the library. Her stone book had not survived the journey to this world, and that was sad, because she'd wanted so much to share it with Flick.

Part of me stayed behind, she thought. she thought. I am still there, wandering through the corridors, seeking, seeking. I am still there, wandering through the corridors, seeking, seeking.

The only thing that might have made the loss of the otherworld bearable was being able to be with Terez and that was not possible.

So much had happened to her friends in her absence: the new house, new jobs, a harling for Flick and Ulaume, and most important of all, Pellaz. She'd missed all that, and it hurt. Mima cared for her still, but now she had a roon friend in Almagabra too. Things were not the same.

Perhaps to cheer Lileem up and to bring her back into their family, Flick and Ulaume decided to undertake a blood-bond ceremony. It would be like a festival. It would be a happy day. Lileem tried to be interested, but she felt so tired all the time. Every morning, she woke up thinking she had something important to do. Then she'd remember where and who she was, and that the important thing had gone.

Opalexian came to the house and questioned her in a gruelling manner and Lileem was too weak not to tell the truth.

'You must never do this again,' Opalexian said. 'You do understand that, don't you? Pellaz and Mima risked their lives for you, as did the sedim. sedim. You cannot be so selfish as to put those who care for you in such a position again.' You cannot be so selfish as to put those who care for you in such a position again.'

'But the library,' Lileem said. 'It's important.'

'You saw what you wanted to see,' Opalexian said. 'The dehara exist because you and Flick dreamed them into being, fuelled them with your thoughts. That is how all G.o.ds are created. You take the formless stuff of creation and shape it with your mind, as you shape statues of clay with your hands. It's my belief you were in a realm of pure thought. You and Terez created a world around you, because your senses needed it. You might have gone insane, otherwise. Perhaps there was no world, no landscape, but only a formless vortex of power.' Nevertheless, she took Lileem's bowl with her to Kalalim, and didn't give it back.

When Lileem watched Aleeme at play, it made her weep. She remembered being a harling herself and how the world had been full of wonder then. Aleeme would run up to her and throw flowers into her lap. 'Don't cry,' he'd say. So she'd cry some more.

Opalexian was concerned about Lileem's depression and sent her personal healers to help. This did some good and after a few months, Lileem was able to function again. Her body recovered, even if her heart still felt as heavy as the stone she'd tried to bring back to this world with her.

Flick and Ulaume arranged to perform their blood-bond in the spring. Lileem asked, tentatively, if Terez would come. The answer was no. Opalexian had forbidden Terez to return to s.h.i.+lalama, under any circ.u.mstances. Once, Mima went to visit Terez at Pell's estate in Almagabra. Pellaz came to fetch her. Lileem could tell Mima felt guilty because Lileem couldn't go. 'Just give him my love,' Lileem said.

When she returned, Mima took care not to enthuse too much about her visit. She spoke a lot about Pell's wonderful country estate, but very little about Terez himself. Lileem asked about him, and Mima said, 'He's well, Lee. Pell takes care of him.'

'Does he miss me?'

'Of course.'

Lileem could tell this was not the truth. Terez was her Chelone: the har who'd desired her, but whose desire could not withstand the terrible reality of their intimacy. He believed she'd kept him from home for years, and perhaps she had. He'd left s.h.i.+lalama without saying goodbye to her, angry because she'd nearly ruined their chance to get home when it came. She dreamed of him nearly every night. She dreamed of them together, taking aruna like normal hara. It was too painful. Eventually, she asked Opalexian's healers for medicine to stop her dreaming.

Old friends came to visit Lileem and sometimes, late at night, when much wine had been consumed, some were brave enough to ask questions about what had happened with Terez. Lileem kept the promise of silence that she'd sworn to Opalexian, but not because she wanted to please the Kamagrian leader. She knew that Opalexian was right: no other parage should attempt what Lileem had done. Although Lileem believed it was the most important thing that had ever happened to her, she didn't think any parage of her acquaintance was fit to follow in her footsteps. Such knowledge did not concern them. They lived the safe life that Opalexian had designed for them. When asked, she would say, 'It was the worst thing I ever did. I'm lucky to be alive. It's damaged me forever.'

Her friends could look at her haunted eyes and know this was the truth. Eventually, the questions stopped. Lileem had become useful to Opalexian: she was a living example of what could happen if a parage was stupid enough to take aruna with a har.

Mima, Flick and Ulaume all tried to encourage Lileem to talk, to share her feelings, but it was difficult. She felt there was no point to it. They could not help her and the things that made her sad would never change.

The blood-bond ceremony ended up as a huge party, with every high-ranking Roselane invited as guests. Flick and Ulaume spoke vows to one another that they'd taken months to craft perfectly, and Opalexian herself officiated. In the orchard of their home, with all the trees in full blossom, she cut their arms lightly and bound them together. She spoke the words of a beautiful ritual, conjuring tears in the eyes of all who listened.

Lileem stood beneath the trees, with white petals falling down upon her. She thought how lovely Ulaume and Flick looked, and how close they were. At one time, they'd virtually hated one another, and bizarrely enough, it had been Terez who'd brought them together. Aleeme stood gravely at Opalexian's side, handing her ritual items when she needed them. Lileem could tell it would not be long before he was adult. Mima stood at the front of the crowd with Pellaz and Kate, tears of joy running down her face. Pellaz had his arm around his sister. They were like twins.

Lileem watched them all, and it was as if she was a ghost who had come back to the living to observe their happiness on this special day. I will not be here for long, I will not be here for long, she thought. But where she would go, she had no idea. she thought. But where she would go, she had no idea.

That night, she lay awake with her bedroom window open, her arms behind her head. She could hear Ulaume and Flick taking aruna together in the room next door, but the sounds of it didn't conjure similar responses in her own body as they'd always used to do. Flick and Ulaume were in such raptures, she was almost tempted to bang on the wall to get them to shut up. Is this how my life's going to be? Is this how my life's going to be? she thought. she thought. Will I never feel that special way again? Will I never feel that special way again?

The following morning at breakfast, Flick and Ulaume were all over each other and seemed drunk. Their constant mutual pawing got on Lileem's nerves. When Ulaume got up to leave the table, Flick grabbed hold of him and started kissing his stomach, over and over.

Mima, sitting between Pellaz and Kate, who'd stayed the night, let out a whoop of delight. 'You've made another pearl, haven't you?' she cried.

Aleeme yelled, 'Yay, a brother!'

Flick and Ulaume started laughing. Then Mima was out of her seat, hugging them both. Lileem felt sick. She went outside.

Pellaz followed her out. It was strange how quickly she'd become used to his presence, he who had once seemed like a G.o.d to her. They'd talked about the connection she'd felt with him. He'd been amused to hear her story of him as a gigantic statue. The reality to him was far more commonplace. He'd heard her call and had perceived her personal power, in the form of the dehara. He'd simply pointed out the obvious, he thought: use what you already have.

Lileem sat down on an ornamental wall and he sat beside her. He didn't say anything for a while, and she was grateful. Her nose was running. She wiped it with her hands.

'It's hard for me, seeing things like that,' Pellaz said, referring to Flick and Ulaume. 'It makes me think about my own blood-bond, and how Rue and I will never have what Flick and Ulaume have. Making harlings isn't as easy as they make it seem, you know. It shows how deep their love runs. Their relations.h.i.+p is perfect. To be frank, it turns my stomach to witness it.'

Lileem thought he didn't really mean that. He was trying to make her feel better, because he sensed she couldn't join in with the household happiness and that she felt bad about that. 'Pell, can you take me away?'

He sighed. 'No. You know that I can't.'

'Why?'

'Opalexian would not want me to.'

'You are Tigron. How can her feelings matter that much? You could take me anywhere. You must know other hara somewhere I could live with. Somewhere far far away.'

'I can't upset her,' Pellaz said. 'She has me in a fierce hold.'

'How?' Lileem turned her head to look at him. 'You made a deal with her, I know. What was it? You can tell me. I won't breathe a word, I promise. I'm just a ghost.'

'Opalexian believes she can exorcise ghosts,' Pellaz said. He picked up a stone from the gravel path and threw it onto the lawn. 'She will do something for me that Thiede will not.'

'What?'

Pellaz lowered his eyes, stared at the ground. 'She will heal Cal.'

'I thought he was healed,' Lileem said. 'Flick told me the whole story, and that Thiede had let him go. Flick said it was all over.'

Pellaz glanced at her. 'He has been released, but he is still very sick.'

'How do you know?'

'I asked Opalexian to find out, when I first met her. He still suffers, as Thiede wants him to. He needs to be healed of all that's been done to him, by Thiede and even by those who came before. By Uigenna, by human parents, everyone.'

'So you can be together again?'

'I don't know,' Pellaz said. 'Opalexian says she will try. I don't know her plans exactly. All I know is that I have to keep silent and hope and dream. I have to trust that, one day, Cal and I will both know the truth about one another, because there are so many lies, so many barriers. I have to hope we can meet in a place out of time and remember all that we were. I will never forget him, and I know he'll not forget me either. If anyone can draw the poison, I believe Opalexian can. I have to trust her. I have to give her what she wants, because this is the only thing that matters to me.'

'I hope it works,' Lileem said. 'I really do.'

Pellaz smiled tightly. 'We'll see. You're just as much of a worry. You're so unhappy. I wish I could take you away, give you a new life, but...'

'I know. I have to be punished for being bad. I'm stuck here in this great big prison.'

'Perhaps you should speak to Opalexian, tell her how miserable you are. She isn't the evil witch queen she makes herself out to be, you know.'

'I'll try. I wonder if she'd let me be like Tel-an-Kaa and roam the world looking for parazha. But then, I suppose I'm not to be trusted.'

Pellaz squeezed her leg. 'Then show Opalexian that you are. She can't keep you confined here forever. If you think I can help in any way, just ask.'

'Well, you could speak to her first...'

'All right. I will. When we next meet.'

'Thanks, Pell.' She leaned over kissed his cheek. Beautiful Pellaz. Kind Tigron. How tragic he should be so sad inside.

A few weeks after Flick and Ulaume's blood-bonding, Aleeme began to display signs of approaching feybraiha. Flick told Ulaume of his desire to ask Pellaz to be their son's first aruna partner, and Ulaume agreed this might be a good idea. They said nothing to Aleeme, because they sensed he would be delighted with their choice and would be extremely disappointed if Pellaz refused.

Gelaming engineers had perfected a piece of technology that aided the amplification of mind-touch messages, so that mind 'mail' could be sent easily over greater distance. Pellaz had brought one of these units to s.h.i.+lalama and Flick's household was the first in Roselane to own such a device. Very shortly afterwards, Opalexian received a similar gift from the Tigron. Now, Flick could contact Pellaz whenever he needed to, and after his discussion with Ulaume about Aleeme, he sent a message to Immanion, asking Pellaz if he could spare them an hour or so very soon.

Pellaz arrived at their home the following day. He said he'd been to visit Opalexian first, and wanted to speak to Lileem about something he'd discussed with the Kamagrian leader, but first he sat down with Flick and Ulaume at the bottom of the garden to hear what they had to say. Flick voiced their request carefully. Now that he had to speak to Pellaz personally, he realised he was asking quite a lot. It was a privilege indeed for any har to have the Tigron as their first aruna partner, and if Pellaz indulged all of his friends in this manner, he'd spend a lot of time, that he could ill afford, educating young harlings in arunic skills. Pellaz paused before answering, and when he did, it was to decline, but not because of the reasons Flick had antic.i.p.ated.

'This is a great honour you're offering,' Pellaz said, 'but I can't help you. Thiede has changed me, Flick. If I took aruna with such an inexperienced har as Aleeme, it could damage him severely. I'm more like Thiede now and my essence is strong. I'm sorry.'

Flick was not particularly surprised. 'We're stuck,' he said. 'We know no hara here we consider worthy of the task. Most of our close friends in s.h.i.+lalama are Kamagrian.'

'What you need,' Pellaz said, 'is another harish family with second-generation sons.'

'This might sound incredible, but we're the only hara in this city who've had sons,' Ulaume said. 'Remember, this is the territory of pious Roselane. The hara who end up here are mostly like monks.'

Pellaz laughed. 'That has not escaped me!' He cupped his chin with one hand, pondered for a few moments. 'Let me think.'

'Are there any families of your acquaintance who might help?' Ulaume asked.

Pellaz drew in his breath slowly. 'Yes,' he said at last.

Flick could tell the family Pellaz had in mind was controversial. He knew before the Tigron spoke what he would say.

'I could speak to Seel and Swift in Galhea,' Pellaz said. 'Or, more importantly, I could speak to Azriel. He's not a child any longer, of course, but he is second generation. He's Swift's son, and a fine har. He will be experienced now, and he is pure-born. He would be my recommendation.'

'They'd never allow it,' Ulaume said.

Flick said nothing. He wondered how Pellaz could be so insensitive.

'Things are different now,' Pellaz said. 'Seel does not harbour the same feelings for you as he used to do, Lor. I and Cobweb too have made sure of that.'

'And we should care?' Flick said coldly. 'There's no way I'll allow a son of mine to go anywhere near a har of Seel Griselming's blood.'

'Flick, that is irrational,' Pellaz said patiently. 'What do you think, Lor?'

Ulaume glanced at Flick. 'I don't know,' he said uncertainly. 'If Flick feels strongly about this, I have to support him.'

'Never mind Flick's feelings,' Pellaz said. 'What are yours?'

'What?' Flick cried. 'Pell, what's the matter with you?'

'Hush,' Pellaz said. 'Hear me out. Well, Lor? You know that the House of Parasiel is very prominent. It would be good for Aleeme to undergo feybraiha there. It would be good for the rest of your family too.'

Ulaume was virtually squirming in his seat. 'Well, I have no objections personally...'

'Thanks,' Flick said. 'How short is your memory? Remember how Seel behaved with you.'

'I also remember how Cobweb and Swift behaved,' Ulaume said, carefully. 'It would be a great honour for Aleeme, Flick. You know that.'

'Seel would never comply,' Flick said. 'I don't care how old Azriel is now. Seel is his hostling and no doubt still rules him with an iron fist.'

'That's not true,' Pellaz said. 'I've told you a hundred times he wants only to make peace with you. He knows I see you all the time, as you know I see him. This is ridiculous. How long ago was it that you left him?'

'I thought we were supposed to be hiding here in secret,' Flick said. 'Parading into Galhea with you is hardly a surrept.i.tious act.'

Pellaz laughed. 'You don't have to hide any more, Flick. You are under Opalexian's protection. I don't know how much Thiede knows about her, but he's aware that the Roselane tribe has a very strong leader. He wouldn't risk upsetting her, I'm sure. You are quite safe now. Hara in Immanion know you don't live in Garridan. I've been building roads for you. I want to see a day when you and Ulaume can visit me in Immanion openly.'

'These are all interesting ideas,' Flick said, 'and it's even more interesting that you haven't mentioned them to us before. But can we get back to the main subject? Aleeme's feybraiha.'

'Flick, think about it,' Pellaz said. 'I know what you wanted: a safe, unadventurous life, and in many ways you have it. But Fate has conspired to make you a har of status, not just in my eyes, but in Opalexian's too. Your name is known in Immanion. And that brings me to another matter you should consider. You and Ulaume should think about taking a second name.'

'Why?' Flick said. 'We don't need one.'

'You have started a family,' Pellaz said, 'and your sons will go on to have sons. You should have a family name. I believe it is important.'

'You're right,' Ulaume said. 'I hadn't considered that.'

'Your sons can't remain here in s.h.i.+lalama all the time,' Pellaz said. 'As you've already found out, it presents difficulties. You and Ulaume have each other, Flick, but think about Aleeme's future, and that of your unborn son. Would it be fair to deny them a full life? At the very least, you should allow them to be educated somewhere in Almagabra.'

Flick was angry at everything the Tigron had said, because he knew Pellaz was right. It would benefit Aleeme to get to know other hara abroad, especially ones like the Parsics. He was almost an adult, and what did s.h.i.+lalama really offer a full-blooded young har? Aleeme was not a greatly spiritual har. He would want more from life than meditation in the mountains and he had no companions his own age here. Their friends.h.i.+p with the Tigron would afford Aleeme advantages of which most hara could only dream. It would be selfish to deny him these privileges. 'I'll have to think about this,' Flick said. 'You've given us a lot to consider.'

'Don't think too long,' Pellaz said. 'Remember that Aleeme should spend some time with the one who is chosen for him before the feybraiha takes place.' He paused. 'Will you give me permission to speak to Seel and Swift? The rift between you and Seel should be healed. It is pointless. If you want an apology, I'm sure Seel will be prepared to give it.'

That meant that Pellaz would command him to apologise, Flick thought. He looked at Ulaume. 'What do you think, Lor? You're more impartial than I am.'

'I think it's...' Ulaume shrugged. 'I think it would be good for Aleeme.'