Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 9

_Farmer_ (_proposing landlord's health_). "An' if a' squiears 'ud _dew_ as our squiear _dew_, there wudna be so many on 'em as _dew_ as they _dew dew_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NO EXCUSE FOR NOT BELIEVING.--"Then you don't believe in phrenology?" "No, rather not. I once gave one of those fellows a sovereign to read my head, and, after feeling it a long time, all he said was, that I had no idea of the value of money."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE PUT DIFFERENTLY.--_Mr.

b.u.mblepup._ "I must apologise for coming in ordinary evening dress."

_Hostess._ "Well, you really have the advantage of us. We're all looking more foolish than usual, and you're not."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mr. Boreham_ (_in the thick of a long and pointless story_). "Well, as I was saying, I happened to be in the City the other day, and, as I was walking down Cheapside, whom should I meet but my old friend, Stodgeley, whom I haven't seen for fifteen years. Well, what do you think he did? He stopped dead when he saw me, slapped me on the shoulder, and said, 'Surely this must be my dear old friend, Boreham?'"

_She_ (_with difficulty keeping awake_). "Yes?--_and was it_?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Hostess_ (_to friend who has been brought in to take pot-luck_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Simpson, we've only got a very poor dinner to offer you."

_Mr. Simpson._ "My dear Mrs. Jones, I beg you not to apologise! I a.s.sure you I think it quite desirable to _underfeed_ occasionally!"]

THE DINNER CHAIRMAN'S VADE MEc.u.m

(_Compiled for the use of Orators during the Month of May Mouthings_)

_Question._ You are accustomed to take the chair at a public dinner?

_Answer._ Yes. Or, to speak by the card, a dinner for the rest of the company.

_Q._ Why, do you not partake of the good cheer before you with the rest of your convives?

_A._ Certainly not. I have to speak later on--a consideration which entirely destroys my appet.i.te.

_Q._ Is there anything new to be said in the loyal toasts?

_A._ No; and therefore it is better to return to the simplest form, which is sure to be received with heartfelt enthusiasm.

_Q._ What can be said about the united service?

_A._ That it is absolutely delightful to expend millions in the furtherance of their interests.

_Q._ And can anything interesting be put in about the Houses of Parliament?

_A._ Not much. Sneers at the Lords are no longer popular, and the Lower House is too respectable to be anything but a dull subject.

_Q._ What about the toast of the evening?

_A._ That must be left to the secretary, who will furnish the chairman with the necessary facts, which may be mixed with original remarks, two-thirds humorous to one-third pathetic.

_Q._ How are the visitors to be treated?

_A._ With fulsome eulogy or comic depreciation inspired by the pages of that excellent manual, _Who's Who_. Particular attention can be paid to the entries under "Recreations" in that admirable work, for appropriate chaff.

_Q._ And in what terms does a chairman respond to the toast of his own health?

_A._ In a few muttered words addressed to an audience composed of a gentleman fast asleep, the toast-master, and the waiters.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--"I say, old chap, it's short notice, but _do_ come and dine this next Thursday!" "Can't, dear old man. I'm engaged three deep for the night!" "Oh, sorry! I've got the Duke and d.u.c.h.ess of Runnymede, and Lord Savory!" "Oh,"--(_seeing it in quite a different light_)--"_next_ Thursday, did you say? I thought you said Thursday _week_. Oh, yes, I shall be delighted!"

[_Their Graces and Lord S. never turned up, after all!_]]

[Ill.u.s.tration: REa.s.sURING

"Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir! _That_ ain't a fly, sir!--_that's_ a bit of dirt!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BREAKING THE ICE

_Sprightly Lady._ "Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with----"

_Bashful Curate_ (_who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour_). "O, certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?----"

_Lady._ "----a remark!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE CONNOISSEUR.--_Host_ (_smacking his lips_). "There, my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat.

That's '34 port, sir!" _Guest._ "Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the other day."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A GENTLE SNUB.--"Here, waiter--quick! Something to eat--and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh--anything--I don't care. Chop or steak--whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir; but I don't feel called upon to decide!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE WAY WE LIVE NOW

TIME--3 P.M. SCENE--_Club_.

_First Gilded Youth._ "Had any breakfast, old chappie?"