Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories - LightNovelsOnl.com
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_Second Gilded Youth._ "Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve."
_First Gilded Youth_ (_in admiration_). "Doose you did! What a const.i.tution you must have!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASON
_Farmer_ (_at market dinner_). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of 'em myself!"
[_Helps himself to the tops!_]]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE GENIAL SEASON
_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). "So glad to see you enjoying yourself!"
_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying my dinner!"]
A WAITER'S WARNING
"ENTOMOLOGY IN PARLIAMENT STREET.--Mr. Frank W. DUFREY, 55, Parliament Street, writes to the _Field_:--'It will interest your entomological readers to hear that a fine specimen of the death's-head hawk moth (_Acherontia atropos_) was taken in Parliament Street on Monday evening.
It flew into the dining-room at the Red Lion Tavern, and was captured by one of the waiters, who was alarmed at its size and the peculiar noise it made. Apart from its being rather rubbed, it is a very good specimen of the largest of our lepidoptera, and is now in my possession.'"
"William, where's John?
What, is he gone?"
"Not gone away, sir.
Sorry to say, sir; John ill a-bed, sir, Bad in 'is 'ed, sir.
'Ad a great fright, sir.
Turned 'is 'air wite, sir.
Last Monday night, sir."
"Struck down with fear!
How? Let me hear."
"'Orrible thing, sir, Came on the wing sir; Window in through, sir, Suddently flew, sir, Into this room, sir, A shape from the tomb, sir.
'Twasn't a bat, sir; No, sir, not that, sir: Moth, sir, we thought, sir.
But wen it was caught, sir, Huttered a shriek, sir, A scream, sir, a squeak, sir!
Hinsect, you know, sir, Couldn't do so, sir.
Wot should we find, sir, On its back, sir, be'ind, sir, Printed, exact, sir?-- A skull, sir,--a fact, sir!
John gasped for breath, sir; Thought it was Death, sir-- Notice to quit, sir.
John was that frit, sir, John 'ad a fit, sir-- Went a'most mad, sir.
John very bad, sir; Better, bimeby, sir; 'Opes John won't die, sir.
Doctor 'e said, sir, Moth, named death's 'ed, sir, In natteral 'istory, sir; Rare; but no mystery, sir: Honly a prize, sir, A catch in 'is heyes, sir, As a medical gent, sir, No call to repent, sir-- That's 'is belief, sir.
A sirloin of beef, sir, Just up--very nice, sir.
Bring you a slice, sir?
Potatoes and greens, sir-- And any French beans, sir?"
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mrs. G.o.dolphin._ "Shall we meet at Dunchester House to-morrow?"
_Mrs. Lascelles._ "No. _I_ was there on Monday. I heard there were a few people going to-morrow."
_Mrs. G.o.dolphin._ "Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF IMPORTANCE.--_Mrs. Brown._ "We are having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual." _The Family Greengrocer._ "On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged on the twenty-fourth." _Mrs. Brown._ "Dear me! How unfortunate! We are so accustomed to you, and you know our ways." _Mr. Green._ "Yes, ma'am.
Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the week _after_, ma'am?"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull dog he is!"
"Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and have dinner with us!"
"Oh, it's not quite so bad as _that_!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: FREAKS OF NATURE
_Waiter._ "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering pa.s.sion!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: A NEW DISH
_Sympathising Swell_ (_waiting for some chicken_). "You've got no sinecure there, Thomas!"
_Perspiring Footman._ "Very sorry, sir--just 'elped the last of it away, sir!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY PIE
_Little Boy._ "Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was b.u.t.toned."]
