Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 5

_Would-be Considerate Hostess (to son of the house)._ "How inattentive you are, John! You really must look after Mr. Brown. _He's helping himself to everything!_"

[_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very healthy appet.i.te._]]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD(N'T) RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--(_In Mrs.

Talbot de Vere Skynflynte's drawing-room, after one of her grand dinner-parties where n.o.body gets enough to eat._) _General Guzzleton._ "What's that? Tea? No, thanks. I never take tea unless I've dined!"]

PROVERBS FOR BALL AND DINNER GIVERS

Ices and tea and coffee and small cakes are as good as a feast.

You may bring an amateur tenor up to a piano, but you cannot make him sing.

A lord in the room is worth two dukes in the bush.

In provincial society the lord-lieutenant is king.

Flirtation is the mother of invention.

All good dances lead to the conservatory.

Take care of the rounds, and the squares will look after themselves.

It is a wise waltzer who knows her own step.

A dinner in time saves nine.

When the confectioner comes in by the door the cook flies out by the window.

What is port to your wine merchant is death to your guests.

Keep your champagne dry.

Call a stable-boy by any other name, and he will resemble the rose under similar circ.u.mstances.

You can't make a head butler out of a local greengrocer.

When the soup is cold, the wit flies out.

If you have enough cheap and nasty dishes, some of them must be eaten.

The _menu_ makes the dinner.

Ask _Mr. Punch_ to a really good and well thought-out meal, and you will have an exceptionally lucky man for your guest.

THE SIGH OF THE SEASON

Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch, Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch, Good-bye jambon soaked in cham., Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb, Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole, Good-bye Heidsieck's monopole, Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry, Good-bye all that makes me merry, Good-bye liqueurs, _pet.i.t verre_, Good-bye sauce _au Vin Madere_, Good-bye all these joys of life, Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife, Good-bye all I take when out, Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout!

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Our Gallant Colonel._ "Your daughters, my dear Mrs.

Tympanum, are looking delightful to-night--simply delightful!"

_Mrs. Tympanum (rather hard of hearing, and very intent on a roti of ducklings)._ "Yes, aren't they! I've had them stuffed with sage and onions!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CRUEL!--_Smith (usually a shy, reserved, and silent man) tells a rather long, but otherwise entertaining, story, about an orange, which meets with great success. Brown (when the laughter and applause have subsided)._ "Bravo, Smith! Capital, old man! But, I say, you told it better one night at Jones's, a few months ago!" _Jones._ "No, no!

Where he told it best was that morning we breakfasted with you, Brown, somewhere about the beginning of the year before last!" _Robinson._ "Ah, but don't you recollect the way he told it after that supper I gave you fellows at Evans' in 'fifty-one'? How we _did_ laugh, to be sure!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHOSE FAULT?--_Wife (reproachfully)._ "O, Charles!" (_She had returned to the dining-room, wondering why he had not come upstairs to tea.) Charles (who had evidently taken a little too much wine)._ "V'y well, my dear! 'Sh not my fault! 'Sh your fault! Cooksh fault! 'Bisque soup was salt! Sh'preme d'la V'laille was smoked! And orange frittersh 'tough as leather! What did Capt'n du Cane shay? Bad cookery cause of all sorts o' crimes. 'Shamed of yourshelf!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration:

"For when our veins are filled With wine and feeding, we have suppler souls Than in our priest-like fasts."--SHAKSPEARE: _Coriola.n.u.s_.

AFTER-DINNER CRITICISM.--_Guest (who has had a pleasant evening, will just have a look at his host's pictures before he goes)._ "Yesh--(_hic_)--'like tha' pictsh're! Fi' lanshc'pe! 'Like the trees.h.!.+

'Branshes wave 'bout s' nash'rally!!!"]

DINNER PLAt.i.tUDES

Twice of soup is vulgar, but three times of soup implies that you must be more than double-plated with vulgarity. Such a thing was never known, not even at the Trinity Board, and turtle is not the slightest excuse for your pus.h.i.+ng things to such a vulgar length. An alderman would really blush for you.

A soft answer turneth away wrath, and an invitation to take a gla.s.s of wine will frequently restore warmth between two friends where only coldness existed before.

No matter how plain your cook may be, so long as your dinner is well-dressed.

A few compliments go a great way. A little savoury _pate_ is quite enough. Try too many, and you'll find they'll prove heavy.

When the ladies retire from the dinner-table, it is not usual for you (supposing you to be a gentleman) to retire with them. In this instance, the same law extends to the mistress as to the servants:--"No Followers Allowed."

A gratuity well bestowed frequently has a happy effect. The servant that is fee'd well takes care that his master does the same.

In the hands of an inferior _artiste_, whether an omelette turns out good or bad, is quite a matter of toss up. It is the same with a pancake.

Keep ill-natured people from your table, as you would sour fruit. They are sure to disagree with every one. Avoid crab-apples, lest the apple of discord should turn up amongst them.