Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 4

_Jones_ (_to hostess, famous for her dinners_). "Oh, by the way, Mrs.

Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of one who would suit you to a T!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE RULING Pa.s.sION STRONG AT DINNER

_Laconic Waiter_ (_thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in champagne_). "Seventy-four, sir?"

_Sporting Major_ (_down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket_).

"Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CAUSE AND

_Host_ (_to coachman, who is turned on as butler on grand occasions_).

"I want you to see that all my guests enjoy themselves, Coggledab. Don't let them have to ask for anything. Be particularly attentive to my dear aunt, Mrs. Dumbledock!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EFFECT

_Coggledab_ (_in a stage-whisper, during a lull in the conversation, to Mrs. Dumbledock, who has recently joined the Blue Ribbon Army._) "'Ollands, whiskey, or cog-nack, mum? You can't be enjy-in' of yourself.

_You're not drinkin'!_"

[_Mrs. Dumbledock alters her will the next day_]

A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE

_A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own Clairvoyant_

According to the _Daily Chronicle_, "an American professor is looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality and social intercourse; but, unless MR. PUNCH'S clairvoyant is liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will settle the whole business.

_Hostess._ We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us this evening; what do you think I'd better have?

_The Food Chemist._ You will require _soup_, of course, madam. I could send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to work, and quite the fas.h.i.+on in the highest circles: the butler sprays each guest before showing them upstairs. We supply the machine, charged with the very best soup, at ninepence a night.

_Hostess._ No, I don't want anything _fussy_, it's quite an informal little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I had last time will do very well.

_The F. C._ Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have some sulphate of salmon and cuc.u.mber pastilles, that I think you would like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound.

_Hostess._ I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle of condensed smelt tabloids (the _sixpenny_ size), and what are left will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day.

_The F. C._ Precisely so, madam. And as to _entrees_--will you have c.o.c.ks...o...b..cachous or sweetbread pilules?

_Hostess._ It makes such a _long_ dinner. I don't want a lot of things.

_The F. C._ In _that_ case, madam, I think I have the very article--a most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining _entree_, joint, and bird, with just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen.

_Hostess._ That would be cheaper than having each course in separate tablets, _wouldn't_ it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure!

_The F. C._ They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required.

_Hostess._ Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of an hour, as I've known them to do sometimes! I've often thought what a pity it is that we waste so much precious time as we do in merely supplying our bodily wants.

_The F. C._ We are improving, madam, slowly improving. And what about sweets, cheese, and savouries?

_Hostess._ I might have one of those two-inch blocks of condensed apple-tart, and a box of cheese pills--_no_ savouries. You see, it's only a _family_ party!

_The F. C._ Exactly so, madam. And shall you be needing anything in the way of stimulants?

_Hostess._ Let me see--you may send me in a couple of ounces of acidulated champagne drops--the _Australian_ quality, _not_ the French, they're twopence an ounce dearer, and so few people notice the difference nowadays, do they?

_The F. C._ (_to himself_). Not until the next morning! (_Aloud._) And liqueurs? Any brandy-b.a.l.l.s with the coffee creams? We have some very fine essence-of-dessert jellies----. _Hostess_ Nothing more, thank you.

(_To herself as she departs._) I'm sure I've spent quite enough as it is on John's stingy old relations, who never ask us to have so much as a lunch-lozenge or a tea-tabloid with them!

_Lady of uncertain age_ (_discussing dinner party_). No, I cannot say it was very complimentary; they gave me to an archaeologist to take down.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Jones._ "Yes, my boy, _there's_ wine for you, eh? I bought ten pounds worth of it the other day."

_Brown._ "What a _lot_ you must have got!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A BIG ORDER

_Stout Party_ (_to waitress_), "Put me on a pancake, please!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AT A LITERARY AND ARTISTIC BANQUET.--_Waiter_ (_to colleague_). "Well, they may 'ave the intellec', Fred, but we certainly 'as the good looks!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Why not a phonographic after-dinner speech machine?

Celebrities could be represented at any number of banquets.

["An experiment in dinner speeches by telephone is to be tried at Ma.s.sachusetts Inst.i.tute."]]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE