First. Part 20

"Of course. If that wasn't a stupid question." We smiled knowingly together, then both stared out the window again. We had said all there was to say for one night, but I think neither of us wanted to go, wanted to be separated again. Finally Beth sighed, and turned to me again. "I'm going to go. Have to be at work early in the morning."

"Okay." I said quietly, not sure where this would go. Was that it? We made our peace, and now that would be all? I wanted her friends.h.i.+p back. Wanted her back in my life, but didn't quite know how to say it. So I didn't.

"Well, good talking to you. Maybe we can talk again later." Beth grabbed her pack out of the back, and hopped down from the Jeep, her hand still on the roll-bar as she stared up at me. She smiled, then walked away.

I stepped from my parent's car in the parking lot, and right away saw Monica and Connie walking toward the church. The air was heavy and wet from the impending storm. Monica saw us and walked over to me.

"Hey, honey." She said, gathering me up into a tight embrace. We pulled apart, and she smiled at me, everything she thought and wanted to say reflected in her dark eyes. I nodded, her words not necessary. "You must be Rebecca." She said, stepping over to my lover. Rebecca smiled, and grabbed the hand that Monica held out to her. Rebecca nodded with a smile.

"h.e.l.lo, Monica. Nice to meet you, though I certainly wish it were under different circ.u.mstances." Monica patted the hand within hers.

"Yes. If this one here is up to it, Connie and I would like to have you both over for dinner tonight." I looked up as I felt three pairs of eyes on me. I looked from one to the other, gazing into the expectant eyes of Monica, the sympathetic of Connie, and the loving of Rebecca. How could I feel so loved, yet so alone at the same time? I truly didn't believe anyone there understood just what was going through my head. What I was feeling. h.e.l.l, at that time I'm not so sure I was completely aware of the extent of things. So, I just nodded, figuring it was a safe gesture.

"You ladies ready to go in?" I turned to see my father standing just outside our little circle of women, my mother standing next to him. She reached out, and grabbed my hand, pulling me with her. Rebecca followed us, into the church.

I unlocked the door to the room I shared with a Freshman named Candice Parker. I was surprised that she wasn't home. I don't recall her ever going anywhere on a Sat.u.r.day night. But, perhaps she'd gone to get something to eat. Part of me was glad, then I could relax and think without any interruptions. The other part of me was disappointed. I felt the need to talk at that moment. About life, about school, about Beth. Whatever.

I took a deep breath, expelling it as I plopped down on my bed on my back, my arms up over my head, stared at the ceiling. I sighed then jumped as I heard a knock at the door. I looked back, craning my neck to look at it as if that would help me figure out who it was any better.

"Who is it?" I yelled out.

"Me." came a m.u.f.fled reply. I rolled my eyes.

"Me, who?" I said, irritated, and in no mood for games. I sat up, swinging my legs off the side of the bed, hurrying to the door, yanking it open. A stunned Beth stood in the hall, her mouth open as if to speak. She closed her mouth, and grinned at me.

"Uh, hi." she said with a little wave. I waved back, still looking at her as if she'd lost her mind. "Um, well, it's later. Wanna talk?" I grinned back, and nodded as I closed the door behind me. Leading the way down the hall.

I thumbed through the little pamphlet that had been handed to me at the door of the church. I sat in the hard, cold pew, my body sliding against its polished, wooden surface. I sat between Rebecca and my mother, Rebecca to my left, my mother to my right. One held my hand, the other had their hand on my knee. I felt the smooth paper against my fingers as I looked at the smiling picture of Beth, probably taken a few years before. She looked healthy, happy, and beautiful. I read through the information they gave about her, her theater credits, as well as a commercial I had not been aware of. Then I had to smile at the part about her childhood. I saw my name, and what her mother had dubbed us many years before, "Trouble Twins". Lord, hadn't that been the truth. Then it occurred to me that I had yet to see Nora Sayers. I knew she had to be there, so began to scan the crowed. Finally, I spotted her, near the door to the sanctuary, standing and talking with a good-looking man. To my surprise, I realized it was Jim Sayers. Had not seen him in years. Neither had Beth, as far as I knew. Fine time for him to decide to show. Standing with him was a woman who I remembered from a picture; his wife, Lynn. Jim nodded his head a few times from something Nora had said, then with a dismissive smile, led Lynn with a hand on her back toward a pew near the back. Nora watched them walk away, then turned to make her way toward the front. Shouldn't Jim be there? I watched Nora, her graying hair teased to a ridiculous height. Her red and black dress, mostly red, was a bit tight for her body that had become pudgy through the middle with age. She looked tired, too much make-up on to cover her heavily lined face. She turned and her eyes landed on me, and she smiled, the red lipstick a b.l.o.o.d.y slash through a pale face. I smiled wanly, nodding slightly. She walked to her place at the front, sitting next to a blonde woman. I turned to look over my shoulder at Monica who sat behind me.

"Who is that?" I asked, nodding toward the blonde. Monica leaned up and looked at the back of the woman's head, then turned to me.

"I think that's Lana. She and Beth were living together when, well. They were living together." she sat back, squeezing my shoulder, leaving me to stare, and wonder.

The campus was dark, the sporadically placed lamps not bright enough to break through the dense darkness in places. I felt perfectly safe, however, as Beth walked at my side. We had been strolling for about half an hour, neither saying much, just soaking in the cool night air, each lost in her own thoughts. As usual, I felt no need to speak, or any reason to make frivolous conversation. With Beth it was just a matter of feeling. Words were not necessary.

"It's very peaceful out here." she said finally, her voice hushed, not wanting to disturb the quiet of the clear night. I nodded.

"Yeah. I used to go out walking all the time, but then last semester a girl was raped over there." I pointed off toward the library. Beth followed my finger, her brows knitted together, shaking her head.

"Well, if you want to walk at night, come get me." she smiled down at me. I looked up at her, the realization dawning on me that I had not told her where I lived.

"Hey, how did you find me, anyway?" she shoved her hands into the pocket of her jeans, and shrugged.

"I followed you in." she said simply. I shook my head again, grinning. What a goof.

"I do believe you've turned into a stalker, Beth Sayers." she chuckled at that.

"Guess so." We continued to walk on for a moment. "You don't mind, right?" she looked down at me, the moonlight catching in her eyes, making them seem transparent. I smiled.

"Nope."

"Alright then." she grinned, and stopped, falling to the ground. I looked down, shocked, wondering what the h.e.l.l she was doing. She sprawled out on the gra.s.s, her hands behind her head, legs crossed at the ankles, and stared up into the sky, a big, goofy grin on her face.

"Um, h.e.l.lo," I said, my hands on my hips. "What are you doing?"

"Stargazing." she said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to just plop down in the middle of a college campus at nearly midnight and look up at the stars. I stared at her for a moment, trying to decide if I were to join her, if she'd pop back up, telling me she was only kidding, or if she was serious. Biting my bottom lip, I decided on the latter. I lowered myself to the ground next to her, resting my hands on my stomach, and stared up into the sky. "Look." she said, her voice quiet, as she pointed up near a tree. "A shooting star."

"Make a wish." I said, reveling in the feeling of peace that stole over me. I glanced over at her in time to see her close her eyes for a moment, her lips moving as she silently mouthed her wish. Eyes made gray by the night opened and looked over at me with a smile. She raised her brows, looked back up into the sky. I heard her chuckle softly. I looked over at her again. "You know, it's funny. When I decided to come here, here I thought I'd be starting out new. Fresh. Then I run into you."

The slight smile that had been on my lips fell. I stared back up at the sky. "Well, I'm sorry I ruined that new start for you, Beth." I said, my voice soft, trying to not let the hurt or surprise surface. I knew I had not done a very good job of hiding it. I never could. Here I had been so happy to see her, to maybe attempt to rebuild a lost friends.h.i.+p with a woman I had been friends with for over eleven years.

"No, Em. No. I mean," Beth sat up, pulling her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her s.h.i.+ns. I stayed where I was, staring up at her back. "What I mean is, I thought I'd get here, have to start over. Meet new people. Make new friends. Something I was not really looking forward to, you know?" she glanced back at me over her shoulder, her long bangs partially covering her eyes. I met her gaze, but said nothing. A soft smile spread across her lips. "Here I was, thinking I'd know no one, be alone, and I find you. My best friend."

My chest swelled. She always knew what to say to alleviate any fears or worries I may have. She just knew. Somehow.

A very large man standing at the front of the dais began to sing Ava Maria, his powerful voice filling the large s.p.a.ce. My throat tightened as I heard wheels running along carpet, the slightest squeak foretelling their progress. I knew what it was. I knew what that squeaking was announcing the arrival of. I could not look, could not make myself see it. If I were to see that, then that would mean that I was seeing the finality of the situation. There was no end to Beth. There just couldn't be. Not for her.

As I stared straight ahead, staring up at the crucifix placed above the front of the church, large, brightly colored stained-gla.s.s windows on either side, I thought back to those days in college. Those days of new discovery with Beth. My best friend. I felt a hand tighten around my own as the squeaking pa.s.sed our row, headed up to the front of the church, the obvious weight burden keeping those squeaky wheels at a slow, steady pace. I could not look. Could not look. Could not.

"Heads!" I ducked just in time to see a football whiz by my nose, the wind blowing my bangs off my forehead. As the ball plowed into my books, scattering my papers all over the blanket that covered the gra.s.s, I looked up, my glaring green eyes aiming to pin the person who dare interrupt my study time. Those green daggers met two sparkling blue eyes.

"You." I growled. The blue eyes got closer until they were right across from me. Beth plopped down on my blanket, her shorts-clad legs crossing Indian style, her hands on her knees. She grinned at me as she reached for her ball. "You are evil, Beth. Leave me alone." I pouted.

"Ah, huh. I believe you want me to do that." she tossed the ball in the air from hand to hand, daring me to take it from her.

"I'm warning you, Beth," I said through clenched teeth, the ball in my peripheral vision. "I'm gonna shove that ball right up your-"

"I'd love to see you try." she challenged. Beginning to get more than a little annoyed, I raised a brow at her, which caused her to c.o.c.k one of her own. "Yes?" she drawled, as I bit my bottom lip, then the inside of my cheek, my brain calculating. I eyed the ball that continued to meet air, when with lightning fast movement, I grabbed it, and stood, nearly stumbling onto my face in my effort to get away from her before she could take the ball that I had just taken from her. "You're asking for it, Em." she said, her voice soft, almost sing-song like. I stood away, tossing the ball up into the tree, only to catch it as it fell.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"I'm shakin' in my boots, here."

"Should be." Beth stood, her legs set wide apart, her hands rubbing together. For just a moment I felt a bit of fear, knowing Beth was a bunch taller than I, and that much faster.

"You know, I can just about smell the smoke from the wheels turning in there." I said, my voice casual, though I did not even remotely feel casual in my idle threats. I saw that brow of hers quirk again, but nothing else. I took a step back, still casually tossing the ball up into the air, a little higher each time, my body ready to take off at a moment's notice. She lunged, putting my legs into action. I screamed as I took off at breakneck speed, hearing her growl behind me as she chased, still a bit behind, but gaining with every heartbeat, which were fast and few in between.

"Run, little girl. Run!" I heard chanted behind me, her voice low and evil. I couldn't help but grin as I continued to pump those short legs of mine as fast as I possibly could, determined to give myself at least half a chance by sheer determination alone. To no avail. I screamed again as I felt hands wrap around my waist, stopping me from cras.h.i.+ng to the ground. I was suddenly pulled back against her, breath in my ear as she husked for me to say uncle. "Say it!"

"No!" I said, my voice just as breathy as I attempted to bring my heart rate under control from my little run. I struggled against the arms that held me captive, the ball held to my body.

"Say it," I managed to twist out of Beth's grasp, and ran, only to stumble and fall to a knee. I winced as I felt the gra.s.s embed itself into my skin. I fell, and rolled over onto my back in time to see her coming at me, falling down onto me, straddling my hips, pinning my arms down to the gra.s.s with her own. "Say it," she husked again, her eyes wild, a half smirk on her lips. I tried to twist out of her grip, which I knew was absolutely useless. I clenched my teeth and eyes shut as I attempted to break out of her unbelievably strong grasp. "This isn't hard, Em." She chuckled. "You're so stubborn. Just say it. Uncle,"

"Never!" I opened my eyes to see her grinning, relaxing her grip a bit, but still determined. Suddenly those blue eyes flashed, and I knew I was in trouble. She brought both my wrists up to one hand, and with the other began to tickle me. "No!" I cried, squirming for all I was worth as I felt fingers attacking my ribs, my sides, my stomach, under my arms. "Oh, G.o.d, no! No! Won't, ugh, won't say, uhhh!" I could hear her laughing as she a.s.saulted my poor body. Feeling like I could pee my pants, I shouted, "Okay! Uncle! Uncle! Aunt! Brother! Whatever you want! Just let me up,"

"Ha." She said with satisfaction, and the weight that was holding me down was gone, my wrists released. I tried to catch my breath, opened my eyes to see Beth kneeling next to me, a grin on her face. "How ya feeling?" she asked, her words dripping with sarcasm. I stuck my tongue out at her, which got me another quirked brow. "Careful what you do with that." She warned, tapping her thumb and index finger together.

"You are evil." I said, finally able to speak as I held myself up on my elbows. She grinned.

"Yes, that I am.' She stood, reaching her hand down to help me up.

I stood at the pulpit, the bible that the minister had given me laying flat against the inclined board. My fingers caressed the thin, tissue-paper like pages, open to the scripture that I had been given the previous night, the scripture that I was to read. I did not see the lines that were before me, the words that I was to say, words that Beth never said, that meant nothing to her.

Clearing my throat, I looked up, meeting the gaze of the audience before me. A small smile spread across my lips, and with a soft thump, I closed the heavy bible.

"I am supposed to read this scripture." I said, raising the bible for all to see. I looked around the congregation, filled with people that I did not know, save for a handful. Who were they all to Beth? Would she be able to stand here and identify all of them?

My gaze went to Nora Sayers, and I saw the confusion in her own eyes, so much like Beth's. I smiled at her. I was not sure exactly what I was doing, and I think she understood that.

"As I look out at you all, staring up at me, wondering what I am doing, wondering myself what I'm doing, I think to myself. I think that this is the sight that Beth loved the most." I smiled warmly at the rows of people. "She did love an audience." I nearly whispered, the microphone before me catching my words, filling the large quiet s.p.a.ce with them. Someone coughed near the back. "I don't really want to read these words, as beautiful and meaningful as they may be." I placed the bible back on the pulpit, and once again faced my listeners. "I just have something very simple to say." I could feel my eyes beginning to sting. G.o.d, not now. If I could only hold it down for a minute. This would all be over in a minute. "Beth was my best friend for many, many years. We were children together. Teenaged demons together." A few chuckles filled the room. I smiled, memories from the last few days flying by my eyes, "Oh, my G.o.d! Strickland is like, the absolute best director I have ever worked with!" Beth gushed, her eyes wide, excited. I sat across from her at our regular table in the cafe, a smile on my lips. I had not seen her so happy about anything in a long, long time. The bells above the door dinged as someone rushed in, trying to get out of the snow that continued to blow outside. "He has this incredible vision for this production, Em. I mean, his ideas are incredible!"

Beth's voice began to echo in my head, filling it as I stared at her. I noticed a small scar above her right eye that I had never noticed before. I had to wonder if that had been from the time she'd banged her head against the swing set at the school in fifth grade. Her head had bled like a stuck pig. But then, head wounds always seemed so much worse than they actually were, as she had reminded me at the time. Then I noticed the tiny specs of darker blue that littered her eyes, the color of the bluest June sky. So beautiful. Her dark brows above them raising and falling with her excitement level, a couple tiny dark hairs straying away from the others, marring what would otherwise be a perfectly arched brow. But it didn't matter. Nothing could mar Beth's beauty. Her beauty shone from the inside, blinding in its purity. She left me awe inspired. My eyes roamed down her face, down that straight nose, the tiniest beginning of a line on the right side. In another ten years that line would stick more, stay a little longer after a smile. My eyes trailed down to her lips, moving quickly as she spoke, the words now mute against my deaf ears. The flash of straight, white teeth as she formed words, made sounds, breathed. A tiny bit of saliva escaping the corner of her mouth, only for an errant tongue to snake out and catch it before it could go anywhere. The lips moist from her words, looking soft, just the slightest bit chapped from the cold, Boulder air. That dry, Colorado cold. Played havoc on skin. My eyes began to retrace their path until they fell upon twin eyes, half-hooded, one brow raised.

"Are you listening to a word I'm saying?" I was snapped back into the cafe.

"Um, incredible." I stuttered, blinking hard to knock myself back into the conversation. "His ideas are incredible." I smiled, proud that I could remember what she'd been talking about. She bit the side of her lip, wiping her hands on her napkin.

"Uh, huh. His ideas were incredible about five minutes ago." She threw the napkin into her empty plate, and sat back in her chair, one arm hanging over the back.

"Oh." I said, completely embarra.s.sed. Where had my mind gone, anyway? To cover my feeling stupid-ness, I grabbed my cup of coffee, and sipped. I felt Beth's eyes on me, but I could not meet her gaze. I had been staring again, hadn't I? I had been doing a lot of that lately, and had no idea why. Beth was Beth. The same everyday. The same she'd been for the last ten or so years. But I just couldn't help myself! My eyes refused to behave.

"You going to Laney's party tonight?" I heard asked. My eyes finally snapped up from my hands that were wrapped around the warm mug. I met the amused look, but shook my head. "Why? Should be fun." She tried to entice, but wouldn't work.

"Have to study."

"G.o.d, Em!" she whipped her head back, her hands in the air with exasperation. "Live a little, for crying out loud."

"Beth, we've had this conversation before. I am here to study. Not party." I explained, for the millionth time. Beth and I would just never see eye to eye on this subject.

"What, and I'm not?" she said, suddenly sobering.

"I didn't say that. I was not talking about you, Beth. I was talking about me." I said, my voice edged just slightly with irritation. Why did she always have to infer that I was talking about her? I tried to catch her eyes, but she would not look at me. Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me. Beth still thought of herself as lower than me. Like she was not worthy. I felt my heart sink, then reached across the table to take her hand in mine. Her gazed raised to meet mine. She looked so shy. Jackpot. "Beth, don't feel that you have to compete with me." I said, my voice soft. "We are different people." She opened her mouth to speak, but I stopped her, holding a hand up. "I could never do what you do on stage. Ever." She stared at me, and I stared back. We must have sat there for five minutes, just staring, holding hands. I did not want to let go, and was surprised when I felt her thumb rubbing over the back of my hand and thumb. A small, soft smile spread across those lips, and she nodded, as if coming to some sort of decision in her head.

"Thanks." She said, her voice just above a whisper. I smiled back, squeezing her hand a bit tighter. She looked away, looking out the gla.s.s door of the place, seeing the wind had slowed, but the snow continued to fall. She turned back to me. "Wanna go walk in it?" Without hesitation I nodded. One of my favorite past times. We stood, and tugging our heavy coats on, tossing some bills onto the table, and heading out into the early winter evening.

I swallowed hard, trying to make those snow-filled images leave my mind. I closed my eyes for a moment, only to open them to see the church still before me. "Beth," I stopped to clear my throat. "Sorry." I whispered, smiling slightly. "Beth was the kind of person who, who you could count on for anything. For everything." I glanced out the window, seeing the snow beginning to lightly fall. I smiled. "How many of you from the neighborhood remember Beth's snow creations?" again, chuckling around the sanctuary, as I saw heads bobbing with the memory. "What about the year she made the anatomically correct reindeer?" I grinned, looking to Billy, who had helped her. He tried to hide his smile behind his hand. "Or how about that horrible victory cry she'd yell when we played street football?" I found myself chuckling along with that one, as well. Seeing and hearing it plain as day in my mind's eye. "And could she ever make a good s...o...b..ll,"

The campus was nearly empty as the later the night got, the colder it got. Beth and I strolled along the path, my hands tucked inside my coat pockets, hers tossing a ball of snow around from hand to hand. We talked. And then she said something that for some reason made me get quiet.

"I've decided to take that cute little blonde out." She said, her tone casual. She glanced over at me, the devil in her eyes. I didn't look back.

"Oh." Was all I said.

"You know the one I'm talking about, right?" she threw the s...o...b..ll up in the air, catching it mid-fall. I nodded.

"Yeah. Madeleine Briggs from your Aspects of Theater cla.s.s." I said, my voice low, even.

"Gee, don't sound so excited about it, Em."

"Sorry." I said, putting a smile on my face. Why the h.e.l.l was I ticked? She had a right. Just because we had been spending every single free minute together for the last semester didn't mean I had any claim to her, or anything. She smiled back, though it was obviously forced. For just a second I got the strange feeling that she was not all that excited over the prospects of Madeleine Briggs, either. "What are you planning to do?" I asked, I suppose trying to pry information out of her that I could take home and dissect later. G.o.d, I was a bad person. She shrugged.

"I don't know. I was thinking about taking her to Laney's party."

"Oh." Now I really didn't want to go.

"But, I don't know." She said with a sigh, then I sucked in my breath as I felt incredibly cold fingers slide incredibly more cold snow down the back of my s.h.i.+rt. I stopped, bringing my shoulder blades together to attempt to stop the progress of the snow from chilling any more of my back than necessary.

"You are evil," I managed through clenched teeth. She began to laugh, then backed away, gathering more snow as I tried to get myself composed enough to attack, or at the very least, defend myself.

"You're gonna get it!"

I head the words echoing in my mind as I lowered my head, my eyes closed as a lone tear managed to escape past the walls of my heart that were quickly weakening, falling with every memory, every moment I ever spent with her. Every time I saw her look at me in that special way that only Beth could look, making you feel special, separate from the rest of the crowd. I liked to think that that look was just for me, but never really knew for sure. The tear slid down my cheek, falling to the bible on the pulpit below, making a dark spot on the already dark leather.

"Beth was a presence," I continued shakily. "Not a person. She had a gift. A gift to be able to reach down inside you, touch a part of your soul, and take it with her." I did not raise my head as another tear slipped out to follow the path of the first. I could not face the eyes that watched me struggle, watched my internal battle that I was quickly losing. As my voice began to quiver just a bit, I heard the sound of someone blowing their nose, and yet someone else crying quietly. I could not look into the tortured eyes of someone else when I could barely face my own torment. "She was my best friend." I whispered, and stepped away from the microphone, from the very visible eyes of the others, stepping away from myself, from my self-control. I needed air. Needed to be alone.

"h.e.l.lo?" I said into the receiver, just a bit more than annoyed. I hated being bothered when I was writing a paper. But then, I was the one who forget to unplug the phone.

"Ha ha! Got you at home. Goody."

"Beth. What do you want?" I asked, flipping through my dictionary, looking for the perfect word that would fit.

"Come out with me."

"Can't. Give me a word for alike?" I said, my brows drawn as I continued my search.

"Um, let me think. Oh, got a good one." I could hear the smile in her voice, and so looked up from my dictionary, waiting to hear the terms of use. "I'll give you this wonderful, great, terrific word if you come out with me."

"Beth, I have a dictionary in my hands as we speak."

"So? But it wouldn't come from me." She countered. I took my reading gla.s.ses off, tossing them onto the desk, rubbed my eyes.

"Okay. Where?"

"To Laney's party." I groaned.

"Beth,"

"No whining. Yay or nay?" with a loud sigh, I agreed.

"Fine. Spill it." I said, my fingers poised above my type writer. "And this better be good." I warned.

"Symbiotic." She said, obviously proud of herself. I re-read my sentence, fitting Beth's word in, and having to admit that it worked perfectly. "I did good, right?"

"Yes. You did good. Fine. I'll go." I was about to hang up, but stopped. "What about Madeleine? I thought she was going to go with you?"

"Nah. Decided I'd rather go with you. See you in fifteen minutes."