First. Part 14

"I told you when you were a kid not to grow up too fast, Emmy. This is what happens. You forget about Oreo's."

"Yeah." I said quietly, twisting the top off another cookie. "Seems I've forgotten all kinds of things."

The tea pot began to whistle, and I grabbed us a couple of mugs as my mom took the kettle off the burner, pouring hot water into each cup.

"Do you know what today is?" she asked as she put the kettle back on the burner.

"Sat.u.r.day?" I asked, dipping the mint tea bag into the cup, the water slowly turning a light, honey brown, getting darker by the dip. She raised a brow at me, and I grinned sheepishly.

"Very good, honey. I knew I had a smart daughter. Besides, smart a.s.s, technically it's Sunday." She poured some sugar into her cup, then the tea bag. I had always wondered why she did it that way. She said the sugar got mixed in better. I say it made the sugar sink to the bottom faster. "No, today is the anniversary of Aunt Kitty's death." I glanced up at her, my eyes wide. Wow. How long had it been? I mentally did a tally in my head, and came up with eighteen years. My G.o.d. Almost twenty years ago. Where does the time go?

"You keep track?" I asked, sipping to make sure it was strong enough, the minty steam wafting up to tickle my nose, and cause instant perspiration on my forehead. My mother nodded.

"I put flowers on her grave every year. I went this afternoon. I sat there for awhile, telling her all about Beth. She always really liked her." She sipped at her tea, scrunching her features as the hot liquid burned her tongue. I looked at my mother. She was still a very pretty lady, her blonde hair shorter than when we were kids, but very cute, and looked easy to care for. Just the slightest bit of gray showing through. Her green eyes were still bright, but the lines around them were more defined, the smile lines not completely disappearing when she stopped smiling. If I didn't know better, I would never had believed she was in her late fifties.

"I've been thinking a lot lately." I said, turning my eyes back to the cookie I was about to eat. "Have you seen Ron lately?"

"Oh, I see him and is wife around town now and then. Once he retired from the Air Force, he settled down back here in town. He's always very nice. Once in a while when I go to put flowers on Kitty's grave, I see some there that are relatively new. I always wonder if they're his."

"Could be." I said, draining my cup, and standing to get more hot water. I offered the kettle to my mother, but she declined. "He always really loved her." I sat back down and prepared my second cup. "You know, I have not had tea in quite some time." I smiled. My mother stared at me, her expression incredulous.

"Say it isn't so? You, my little girl, have switched to coffee?" I nodded, and she placed her hand on her chest. "No. I never thought you would become a traitor. Didn't I teach you better than that?" I chuckled.

"Yes, but I'm afraid coffee keeps me more awake than tea does." We were both quiet as we got lost in our own thoughts. Then my mother broke the silence.

"It's been wonderful. I've been baby-sitting for your brother and Nina now that she's gone back to work." I smiled up at her, then realized that she had no idea about Rebecca and I. Time like this I realized just how absorbed I had become in my own life; forgetting that perhaps my family may want to know what we were up to.

"Rebecca and I are trying." I said quietly, not sure what her reaction would be. I knew that over time my mother had grown to love and see Rebecca as her own, but this was an entirely different matter. Not everyone thought gays and lesbians should have children. Once again I had underestimated my mother.

"What? Children?" she asked, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree. I nodded, still trying not to get my hopes up just yet. Her eyes immediately filled, and the warmest smile spread across her face. "Oh, honey." She whispered, standing, pulling me to my feet. I found myself engulfed in a ma.s.sive hug. "Oh, baby, why didn't you tell me?" she gently pushed me away to look into my face. I smiled and wiped a tear away with my thumb.

"Well, for one I didn't know how you would react to it. What you would think, oomph!" I laughed as I was squeezed again. "Okay, so I take it you're excited?"

"Excited? Honey, I wan as many grandchildren as I can possibly get!' she pulled away from me again, finally letting me go. We both sat back down, but she grabbed my hand, holding it within her own. She leaned over the table to give me her full attention. "How long have you been trying?"

"Just under a year. It's been slow going." She let out a long sigh.

"How wonderful to try for new life on top of all this death." She gave me a smile that melted my heart, and dashed any remaining doubts or fears. "You two will make such wonderful mothers."

"I hope so." I muttered. I had wanted children since I had been a little girl, but with the hours I worked, and the life I had created for myself, I often worried if I had become too selfish for a child I had never shared those deepest thoughts even with Rebecca, but they were very valid, and very nagging.

"Oh!" My eyes snapped up to look at my mother who had hopped up from her seat. "I came across the most beautiful picture of you while cleaning the other day." She disappeared into the living room only to return a moment later. She placed the shot on the table next to my mug. I grabbed it, holding it up to my eyes. The caption read: Emmy in deep thought- 1984. I was bundled up in my dark green winter jacket, standing outside during a cold day. I was standing on a mountain top, the Rockies covered with snow behind me. My hair was blowing back from my face, my eyes squinted ever so slightly against the cold breeze. The expression that I held had my eyes dark green, my brows drawn, posture pensive.

"Come on, Emmy. Just smile once for me. Please? I gotta leave soon." I had turned quickly to my brother, flashed a wide, fake smile, then turned back to look at the mountains. I had nothing to smile about that day. He snapped the camera as I turned away.

I turned away, not wanting to see Mr. Buckley's sympathetic smile as I shoved my notebook into my backpack. I thought if I looked at the young teacher, I would burst out into tears. I didn't want to do that in the middle of AP English. I made my way through the maze of desks, and out into the hall. Mom had given me the choice of going home, or staying in school. Whatever would make it easier for me, she had said.

The halls were empty as it was in the middle of fourth period. I walked down the long corridor, my backpack slung over one shoulder. I stared down at the highly polished tile floor, the reflection of the door at the end of the hall making parts of the floor blindingly bright. It was a surprisingly nice, clear day considering we were in October.

As I pa.s.sed the office, headed to senior hall, I glanced inside to see the secretary's typing away on computer keyboards, or talking on the phone. Two students sat in the waiting area, waiting to see Mr. Edwards about Sat.u.r.day school I figured. One of them stared at me as I pa.s.sed, his look of curiosity quickly turning to boredom as he glanced back at the Math book that sat in his lap.

I felt surreal as I walked, the office note still bundled up in my hand. As soon as the office aid had walked into our cla.s.sroom, my stomach had lurched. I had had a bad feeling. The girl had walked over to Mr. Buckley, handed him the message, then walked out. My eyes did not leave our teacher as I watched him read the message, and his features fell. He looked up, glancing around the room until his eyes landed on me. When he saw he had my attention, he beckoned me to his desk. With shaky legs, I had stood and somehow managed to walk over to him. He handed me the note with a gentle pat to the arm.

I saw my locker just up ahead, and reached out for the lock. I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I put in my combination, and pulled the lock down with a metallic clang, and grabbed the books I'd need for the homework Mr. Buckley had given me, and closed it back up. I still did not feel anything. I just felt numb inside, like someone had reached in and taken out all the important parts in me. I knew it was just a matter of time before it hit me, but for now I had something to do; get home in one piece.

I re-zipped my backpack with the added books, and to my surprise, the whole bag fell to that highly polished floor. I stared dumbly down at it, not sure how it had gotten there, then before I could stop myself, I leaned back against the cold, metal lockers, and slid down until I landed on my b.u.t.t with a quiet oomph. I sat there, my legs bent at the knee, hands at my sides on the cool floor, and stared down at my shoes. I didn't know what else to do. Was it real? Had she finally gone? Nothing the doctor's could do? Donor didn't arrive in time? My chin fell to rest against my chest. My thoughts receded into the darkest part of my mind. I didn't want to think about it, but I couldn't stop thinking. I didn't know how long I sat there when somewhere in the real world I heard the sound of soft-soled shoes approaching, stopping just in front of me.

"Gee. Looks serious." I imagined the now ever-present smirk on her face, so didn't even bother to look up. "What, did the captain of the football team dump you, or something?"

"Go away. Leave me alone." I muttered. I did not need this.

"No. Guess not. Maybe the captain of the chess club."

"I said leave me the f.u.c.k alone." I heard the slight pop of bad knee joints as she kneeled down to her haunches. I glanced up to see surprised blue eyes looking at me.

"Whoa. What's up?" Beth asked, her voice softening. I did not want to talk to her. Ever since the incident at her house, she had been a walking zombie, just a sh.e.l.l of who she had been. There was no life behind those eyes then; only a bitter att.i.tude that she doled out to anyone unlucky enough to evoke it. I felt like she was lost to me.

"Please just leave me alone." I said, my voice losing it's commanding force. Though I was angry and hurt with Beth, she still represented a source of strength to me. I did not want to fall into that. To my dismay she moved over, and settled back against the lockers next to me. I could feel her intense gaze on me. I looked over at her, and met her eyes for a moment. She stared deeply into what felt like my soul. She must have seen something there as understanding washed over her features, and she opened her arms to me. Reluctantly I fell against her, my fingers burying themselves into the front of her flannel. Her arms around me were strong and capable.

"Ah, Em. I'm so sorry, honey. So sorry." She murmured into my hair. My resolve crumbled as my soul shattered into a million pieces. She held me, letting me cry. We had all known it was coming, but you can never be prepared for it, for someone you love to die and leave you all alone on earth without their special brand of importance to you. Faintly I heard more footsteps, and then voices that were like distant echoes down a long tunnel.

"What's wrong with her?" someone asked.

"Go away." Beth growled low in her throat.

"How rude!"

"You deaf?" the footsteps moved quickly away, and I didn't care. Beth held on tighter, her hand in my hair, the other holding the back of my neck. My chest ached as the emotion poured out of me, leaving a wet trail on Beth's s.h.i.+rt. My throat felt raw, my face tight with burning eyes. Finally I was able to get myself under some modic.u.m of control, and pulled away from her. Beth ran cool fingers over heated cheeks, brus.h.i.+ng hair back away from my face that was stuck to the tear trails. She looked down at me with such tenderness.

"You okay?" she whispered. My throat hurt too much to talk, so I nodded. She smiled. "Give me your keys. Let's get out of here."

"What about your cla.s.s?" I managed to croak out. She chuckled lightly.

"You think I'm out in these halls for my health? Let's blow this joint."

Beth helped me to stand on wobbly legs, and grabbed my backpack, slinging it over her shoulder. After signing out in the office, I walked out of the building, numbly handing her the keys to my Jeep. I wondered how my mother was doing.

My mother had gone up to bed about an hour ago, but I sat there in the kitchen, the light above the sink my only light as I stared out the dark window into the backyard. The trampoline that Billy and I had had growing up had long since been sold. The big yard looked so empty without it. I sipped from my mug of coffee. Thank G.o.d dad drank the stuff, or I would have been out of luck. The strong, dark taste pushed all need of sleep to the back of my mind. I felt alert, and needed to walk.

I bundled up to keep the cold, October night air away, and slipped quietly out of the house. The street was so quiet, only a far away dog barking now and then. I stuffed my gloved hands into the deep pocket of my London Fog, and stared up into the sky. It had a pinkish hue to it, and I could smell snow in the air. I loved that smell. I loved the snow. And I had missed the smell of fresh air that New York doesn't often offer. Crisp, clean, clear out the lungs. I breathed in deep through my nose, letting out the breath through my mouth, watching as the crystallized air disappeared into the night.

I glanced over at the Sayers' house as I pa.s.sed it, taking in it's chipped paint, overgrown gra.s.s and bushes along the front of the house. A truck was in the driveway. I wondered if it belonged to Nora. Or did she still even live there? Then almost in answer, I saw a large puff of smoke rising into the air near the front door that could not be seen from the ma.s.sive bush that grew in front of it. I stopped, unsure of what to do. Then, I retraced my steps, and walked toward the driveway, just enough so I could see who sat smoking. To my surprise, it was Nora Sayers. She followed my progress with her eyes, never losing a beat as smoke poured out of her nose and mouth.

"Mrs. Sayers." I said quietly, standing just at the start of the path that would lead to the front stoop.

"How ya doing, Emily?" she asked, her voice deep and rough from too many years of hard drinking and smoking.

"Quite well, thank you." I said, taking a small step forward. She smiled, the deep lines around her mouth deepening more.

"I ain't going to bite, you know." I smiled, and walked up to the porch. Nora Sayers had always made me incredibly nervous. Even now as a woman in her mid-thirties, I did not feel comfortable with her. "So I hear you're some kind of lawyer?" she said, snuffing the half-smoked b.u.t.t into an ashtray next to her. I nodded.

"Yes. I live in New York, now."

"Good for you, hon. I always knew you'd be something special. Even when you was a kid." The compliment meant nothing to me coming from her. Why couldn't she have had as much confidence in her own daughter? I thanked her anyway. "So, what you doing up so late?" I dug my hands deeper into my pockets, and glanced up at the sky.

"Couldn't sleep." She nodded, and stood.

"I hear you. Haven't been able to sleep a wink in about a week." She put a hand on my shoulder, and I got a good look at her. Nora was younger than my mother, but looked at least ten years older. Gone was the beautiful woman of my youth. "Freezing my a.s.s off. Gonna go try and get some sleep. Good to see you again, Emily." With that, she headed back into the house. I watched her, and then headed back toward the sidewalk. She had not mentioned Beth once. Did she even give a d.a.m.n?

I turned right at the end of the Sayers' drive, not even thinking of a destination, just that I needed to walk. I gazed at the quiet houses around me, wondering who lived in them, and what they did. My mother had told me that much of the old neighborhood was gone. New families moving in every year. My feet stopped suddenly, and I was not surprised to find myself at the start of the trail to the Bowl. With a small smile, I headed down the semi-dark trail. I could have walked back in time, for all I knew. It looked exactly the same; all the trees on either side of the path, slightly overhanging it, blocking out the moonlight. As I got closer, I could see the scarce light reflecting off the rippling water of the small pond. I chuckled to myself when I glanced down at the small body of water. It had seemed so much bigger to me as a kid. I walked in a circle, taking in everything around me, my eyes stopping when I saw a small tent in the trees, pictures of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on the sides. The circular light from a flashlight lens could be seen through the thin walls. I grinned, and decided to leave before I scared the occupants to death.

"What was that, Beth?" I had asked, my green eyes the size of saucers. My best friend looked around, her eyes just as big. We could see nothing through the blue walls of our tent, but imagined we could. She slowly shook her head.

"Don't know." She whispered. Being the brave soul she was, she grabbed up our flashlight, and unzipped the tent flap, crawling out of the small opening. I sat, holding my breath as I waited for her to come back. Our first night "camping" at the Bowl, and I had been scared to death. I had been so glad that Beth had been there. I knew she could protect me. I jumped when someone tapped the tent, my breath held in my throat.

"Beth?" I whispered. She didn't answer. "Beth?" I asked again, my voice becoming desperate. Another thump, and another gasp from me. Oh no. Beth was captured, I just knew it. They were coming for me. I scrambled onto all fours, and searched for another flashlight when the flap suddenly opened, and Beth's smiling face looked in at me. I glared, rolling my eyes at her mischievous look.

I turned around, heading for the path again when my long coat brushed some bushes. I grinned as I heard a whispered, "What was that?"

Our time at the Bowl was over. It belonged to the new generation. Now all I felt was like an intruder. A giant who had no place among the little people. It was a daunting feeling.

I headed back toward my parent's house, looking into the street. That had been where I had learned to ride a bike for the first time, where an endless number of adventures and games of football had been played out. Where I ran over the mailbox twice. It all felt so strange, and unknown to me as an adult. Did everyone feel that way after going home?

I stood in the darkness of my old room, removing my clothes.

"Babe?" was quietly whispered. I turned to the bed. Rebecca's head was raised, but I could not see her face.

"Yeah?" I said, tossing my s.h.i.+rt into the pile on the floor.

"You okay?"

"Fine." I walked over to the bed, and crawled under the blankets, feeling her grab me, and pull me to her. She was warm from being under the blankets, and I snuggled up to her, the chill night air finally getting to me. With a soft sigh, I closed my eyes.

The ride over to the church seemed to take forever. I sat in the backseat of my parent's car, my hands beginning to sweat in my lap. I felt a soft touch on my knee, and turned to meet soft, blue eyes. I tried to return the smile, but if faltered somewhere. I got an understanding nod instead. I turned my attention back to the street, and pa.s.sing cars around us, wis.h.i.+ng that I were in any of them, going anywhere but where I was going.

I ran my hands down my legs to smooth the skirt of my black dress. The church was cold, I noticed. I wondered why. I watched as my parents walked out from the side room, my mother wiping at her eyes with a Kleenex, my father leading her by the elbow toward the sanctuary. I glanced back to that small room, unsure if I would be able to go in or not. I felt warmth along my right side, and turned to see Beth, never more than a few inches away from me. I could see just the barest bit of the s.h.i.+ny, brown casket from the doorway. I took a deep breath, and took a step forward, then stopped. My heart was in my mouth, and I couldn't breath.

"It's okay, Em." Beth whispered in my ear. I leaned back into her a bit, then turned away from the door.

"I can't." I murmured "It's okay. You don't have to." She said, rubbing my back with her hand. "Kitty won't know the difference, anyway." I turned to look into Beth's eyes. She looked so beautiful in her black pant suit. It was well-fitted, and looked gorgeous on her. She wore her long hair down, the colors coming in from the stained gla.s.s window turning its darkness into brilliant red and blue. "Let's just go sit down, okay?" I nodded, and let her lead me to the sanctuary by my hand.

I glanced around as I sat in the wingback next to the fireplace. Beth sat on the hearth, her hand on my knee in support. People talked in that hushed tone that always seemed to befit a funeral. They balanced plates of food as they looked for a place to sit. I glanced down at the nearly full cup of bunch that sat my feet. Beth had been trying all afternoon to get me to eat something, but I couldn't do it. She had never left my side. I wondered if she would ever know just what her presence had meant to me.

"There's a lot of people here." Beth said quietly. I nodded, but said nothing. It had been a huge funeral. Usually when one so young dies, it is. It made me proud to know that my aunt had touched so many people in her short life. Ron walked out of the kitchen, his black tie loosened a bit, the top b.u.t.ton of his s.h.i.+rt open. He had held it together in the church admirably. But once we got to the cemetery, he had lost it. I had watched him, holding on to his brother, Steve as if his life had depended on it. I don't think there had been a dry eye as we all watched his anguish, sitting in the front row near her grave. My father, who had been sitting behind him, had kept one hand on my mother's shoulder, and the other on Ron's through the whole ceremony. Ron glanced over at us, and smiled weakly. I did the same, but we could both see it in the other's eyes.

I looked around our living room, and the last place Aunt Kitty had ever seen. She had lived with us for just under six months. I thought back to a week ago, just two days before she had died.

"Honey, your aunt wants some water. Will you take this down to her?" my mother had asked as I walked into the kitchen, a long day at school behind me.

"Sure." I took the small pitcher and gla.s.s, and headed downstairs. I tried to go see my aunt at least once a day, but with the hectic schedule I had, she was usually already asleep. I walked toward the closed door of my brother's old room, and quietly pushed it open with my shoulder, both hands full. My aunt's head turned slowly, and she smiled when she saw me. I smiled back. "Hey, you." I said.

"Hi." She whispered. It had been rare to hear her talk above a whisper for a month or so. I set the gla.s.s on the side table, and poured water into it, then helped her to drink. She closed her eyes as the water slid down a parched throat, and smiled a thanks. It was truly heartbreaking to see her. She was almost skeletal, her cheeks shrunken in, making already big eyes bulge. Her hair, which used to be so rich and thick, was dull, looking more like straw. "Have a good day?" she asked, her eyes full of interest. I nodded.

"Wasn't bad. I had to fill out some more forms today for my scholars.h.i.+p. That's such a pain." I sat on the side of her bed, careful not to jostle her too much.

"I'm so proud of you, Emmy." She breathed, reaching her hand out. I grabbed it, and held it in my lap, gently caressing the frail skin. "You make me happy seeing you so involved with your life." I smiled, but said nothing. "How's Beth?" she asked after a moment.

"I don't know. She won't talk to me." I said, staring off out the window. So much pain was attached to that name.

"Don't let her go, honey." She said, her eyes pleading.

"I don't have a choice, Aunt Kitty."

"Sure you do."

"How are you doing?" I was snapped out of my reverie by my brother. I looked up at him with wide eyes. He grinned.

"Fine." I said with a nervous smile. He patted my shoulder, and bent down so he was mere inches away.

"Listen, Emmy, you need anything, you tell me, okay?" I smiled up at my big brother, and nodded. He gave me a light peck on the cheek, and walked away. I looked on as the crowd seemed to be thinning a bit. Then I looked to the wall above the couch, and saw the family portrait we had taken the fall before. My gaze met that of my aunt, and I felt my throat clench shut, and the tears just below the surface.

"Are you okay, Em?" Beth whispered, squeezing my knee. I bowed my head, taking deep breaths so I wouldn't lose it again. I was so tired of crying. "Em?" I couldn't answer. "Come on." I felt myself being pulled to my feet, and blindly I followed as Beth pulled me by my hand. We walked through the crowd of people, headed toward the stairs. My father was coming down as we started to go up. He stopped, as did we. I nearly ran into Beth's back. My father recovered his surprise, and glanced down at our joined hands, then his eyes traveled up to meet my eyes. I couldn't read his expression.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Em's getting upset again. I'm taking her upstairs so she can calm down." Beth answered, her head raised defiantly, her protective mode kicking in to my father's speculative gaze. He nodded, and walked on. I next found myself in my room. Beth let go of my hand, and went to the bathroom to return a moment later with a warm washcloth. I stood in the middle of my room, my shoulders slumped, my eyes feeling so heavy. I just wanted to lay down and sleep. Forever.

"Here." I looked up to find Beth standing in front of me, the washcloth in her hand. I ignored the cloth, and collapsed into her. "Whoa." She breathed, nearly toppling over backward. She wrapped her arms around me, holding me tight as I felt my emotions rise, and spill over my reserve. I cried like I had never cried before. I was crying for my aunt. I was crying for Beth. I was crying for me. I was crying for all that could be, but never would. Soon, to my surprise I felt Beth's body shaking against mine as she cried her own tears, for her own reasons. My tears almost immediately dried up in my concern for her. I rested my face against the warm skin of her neck as she did mine, and rubbed my hands up and down her back, raising to play in her hair, then back down to soothe across the wide expanse of her shoulders. The sensations under my fingertips were amazing. I felt her pull even closer as her tears slowed, finally dying altogether.

We stood where we were, just holding each other, our bodies swaying slightly. I closed my eyes as I felt utterly content. Being in Beth's arms like that was like coming home. I needed to feel her, to know she was still with me. I opened my eyes only to close them again as I felt warm lips against my neck. I buried my face deeper into her, intoxicated by her smell. The lips moved up to my ear, warm breath tickling the flesh there. I heard my name barely whispered. I raised my head ever so slightly, why, I did not know. It was almost on instinct, or as if my body had gained a mind all it's own. My fingers found their way into thick, dark hair, leading somehow. I felt hands on my back, running down lower with every caress, my lower body on fire, begging to be next. The lips moved from my ear to my throat, my head arching back even more. Those roaming hands found their way to my side, moving up my ribs up to the sides of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, gentle thumbs exploring over increasingly sensitive areas. Another hand found its way down some more, cupping one side of my b.u.t.t, pulling me ever closer to the warmth. Eyes still closed, my lips opened for what I sensed was coming. I felt those warm lips move up my throat, over my chin, and finally finding mine. I leaned into her as a sigh escaped me, and I gave in to the pressure against my mouth, willing it to crush me, eat me alive. The softest touch of a tongue ran over my lip, and my own tongue reached out, desperate to touch, and invite. Beth groaned deep in her throat as she filled me, her hand on the back of my head to bring me in as much as possible. I was being barraged by sensation when I was pulled from my world with the soft knocking on my bedroom door.

"Emmy?" I pulled away from Beth, my chest heaving. Her cheeks were stained red, as I had no doubt mine were. I stared at her, backing up a step to put some distance between us.

"Yes?" I managed to call out.

"You okay?" Billy asked. "Sorry to bother you, but dad asked me to come up and check on you." I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

"I'm fine." I blurted out. I could hear my brother's steps as he walked away. I could not look away from Beth as I stood there, realization of what had just happened, and what could have happened set in. Her eyes began to wonder, looking at anything but me. She reached into her jacket pocket, bringing out a hairband. With shaking hands, she began to pull her long hair back away from her face.

"Why did you do that?" I finally breathed. Blue eyes darted to meet mine. She stared at me for a moment.

"Why did you let me?" she asked, her voice quiet, calm. Deadly calm.

"I didn't." I ran my hands through my hair, my heart still pounding.

"Well, I sure as h.e.l.l didn't force you." Her voice dropped yet another octave.

"d.a.m.nit, Beth! I'm not into that!" I yelled. My panic was quickly turning to guilt, which was quickly turning to anger. At who?