Castles On The Sand Part 18

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"I don't feel good."

"Well cheer up!"

"Yeah, okay, I feel better now."

"Don't be a frownie face."

I want her to leave me alone, but I know if I ask her to, that'll only provoke a fight. I speed up my steps and she keeps pace with me at first, then complains that I'm going too fast and drops back. Walking away like this is rude and I know it, but I don't know any other way to deal with Kailie.

This means that I arrive on campus alone, just as the MAV pulls into its parking s.p.a.ce and the Mormons all pile out. Carson comes straight towards me, the girls all glare at me and head towards the school, and Alex goes with them, without so much as a glance in my direction.

Carson, though, wears a broad smile. "Madison, you, me, beach, campfire, marshmallows, Sat.u.r.day. What do you say?"

An evening campfire on the beach sounds beautifully romantic and Carson is handsome. The obvious answer is yes.

But he's still waiting and I haven't said anything. His smile has faded and I can tell he's standing on the brink of major letdown.

I say the first thing that comes to mind. "Listen, my mom got pretty upset when she heard I went out with you."

"Oh."

"So... yeah."

"Because of what?"

"She doesn't like the Church."

"Oh."

"I'm really sorry."

"No. It's all right. It's not your fault."

"I know, but I feel bad."

"Bad enough to defy her and go out with me? I mean, you ignore her rules to go out and spend time with Kailie."

I am so sick and tired of him digging at me for being nice to Kailie. "Yeah, well, that's different. I'll see you around."

"Wait..."

I ignore him and walk away.

When I go inside the school, JP is waiting at my locker. I approach with caution, it feels like a long time since I've seen him.

"So this your game?" JP says.

"I'm not playing a game."

"You just take up with someone else?"

"How do you even know about that?"

"Kailie told me."

Another sabotage attempt by Kailie. Great. "I told you I wanted to talk to you."

"You accused me of cheating on you."

"Well, I wanted to ask you about that."

"I'm insulted. I've never been a cheat." His anger, the set of his jaw, the tone of his voice, all of these persuade me that he's telling the truth. Now I'm the cheat.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I just wanted to talk to you. It made me mad that you blew me off. I don't even have your phone number."

"I've been busy. You know how it is. Sometimes I've got a little time, sometimes I don't."

"Well I'm not interested in a bunch of fifteen minute hookups."

"That's all I got."

"You are standing here, talking to me right now. Why can't we do that sometimes? Why can't we at least act like friends in public? What's wrong with that?"

He looks away.

"Even if you didn't cheat on me-"

"Hey-"

"It'd be easy for you to do."

"I don't do drama."

"I just want to be able to talk to you sometimes."

"Fine. We're over. Date Carson."

Ouch. Even though I'm the one who first declared it over by dating someone else, the words feel like a punch in the gut. I want to disappear, just teleport to my bedroom and hide, but what I do instead is lift my chin and say, "Yeah, I'm gonna date other people. I may even have a boyfriend. Someone who wants to be seen with me." Big talk, I think.

"Okay, you know what? I lied. You are fat. You're pasty. You're plain. Good luck finding another guy to date."

That hurts and I want to hit back. I want to hurt him like he just hurt me. Instead I take a deep breath, wait for the sting to fade, and say, "Well, you're really hot, so I'm sure you can replace me easily enough." I shoulder him aside and spin the lock on my locker.

He stares at me like I just slapped him. "Madison-"

"Go away."

"Come on, I-"

"Bye." I don't bother to put my textbooks in my backpack, but rather carry them in my arms so I can get away faster. My locker, I shut with a kick.

At work that afternoon, there's an email from John.

Hey Madison, Hope you're feeling okay. Let me know if you need anything.

I love you.

John I click open a reply box.

Hi John, I told Carson I wasn't interested, officially broke up with JP, and still have no idea about what to do with Mom, but at least I didn't bruise any worse. I guess I'm okay.

Madison An hour later, he says: Madison, Bruise any worse? What happened that would cause a bruise?

Love, John John, Mom slapped me last night, hard.

Madison A chat window pops up.

John: That happen often? Mom hitting you?

Madison: No. She was really upset. Thought I was going to join your Church.

John: That's really not okay.

Madison: I'm fine. Most of the time Mom just ignores me.

John: Sounds lonely.

Madison: It's not so bad. Thanks for caring, but I think it's all good.

John: Okay, well, you know where to find me.

Madison: I've gotta get back to work.

John: Talk to you later. Love you.

He logs off before I can agonize about saying it back.

That evening, when Mom comes in from the shed, she doesn't look at me. Just puts her cup in the sink and starts for her room.

I'm seated at the kitchen table. "Mom," I say, "I told Carson I wasn't interested."

"Fine."

"So can we talk?"

She doesn't even glance at me. "There's nothing to talk about. I'm tired. I've had a busy day." She goes into her bedroom, shuts the door, and then I hear the metallic click of her pressing in the lock.

Things are back to normal.

As I walk home from work on Sat.u.r.day, I see Alex filling up his sedan at Jacksons. He doesn't even look up at first, until I slow down and stop. When he does look up, he gives me his usual, neutral, unblinking stare.

"Psycho can be short for psychopath or psychotic," I say. Then I shut my mouth. Random, I think. Be quiet, Madison.

One blink, and no expression change.

"So is your mom..."

"She's psychotic."

"Oh."

"She's a schizophrenic."

"So, does she, like, hallucinate?"

"Yeah."

I nod. Well, all right, I think. What a lovely conversation. "How is she doing?"

He looks me up and down and then in the eye, then shrugs.

"Have you seen her lately?"

Wrong thing to say. He yanks the fuel nozzle out with more force than necessary and slams it down on the pump. Watch this, I can hear my brother saying. He does that with the gas pump, imagine what he might do to your face. a.s.suming my face was ever within arm's reach. I push that thought away.

Alex takes a few deep breaths and flips his hair back from his face. "I can't."

"You're not allowed?"

"No, I can't. I just can't."

"Where is she?"

"A ways. Ninety minute drive."

"You ever been-"

"I can't do it, okay?" He whirls around and glares at me.

"No, hey, relax. I'm not trying to push you. I'm just asking."

He looks down at his feet. "I don't even know what medications she's on, or what else they might be doing to treat her."

"Can't you find out?"