Castles On The Sand Part 14

"Listen, are things moving too fast, physically?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"You a virgin?"

The question comes as a shock. "Yeah." I should think that was obvious.

"Oh. I didn't know."

"Are you?"

"No... That mean you want to keep things from going... farther?"

I definitely don't want to "go farther", but I can tell from his expression that this is the wrong thing to say. My instinct is to say what he wants to hear, but when I open my mouth, that isn't what comes out. "I don't know," I hedge. "I don't really feel ready for that."

His expression reveals nothing. "I'll see you later."

"See you." Smile, I think. Act happy. My face won't obey my mind's command, though.

And then JP is gone, so it doesn't matter anyway.

When work is over and JP isn't there waiting on my way home, I feel a slight letdown, but also some relief. I head home, eat dinner, and go to bed at eight, I'm so tired. It occurs to me that I always feel tired. I never caught up all the way from the almost nonstop nighttime visits I've had lately. It feels good to snuggle down in my bed and pa.s.s out.

A knock on my window wakes me up. I groan. It comes again and I find I don't want to wake up enough to tell the person to go away. Instead, I let myself start to drift off to sleep again.

"Madison?" Kailie's voice.

Go away, I think. I don't want to get up and go out into the cold.

"Madison? You in there?" She raps on the window with her knuckles, then my cellphone rings.

I roll over and answer it. "h.e.l.lo?"

"Where are you?"

"I don't feel very well."

"Whatever. I want to head down to the beach."

"Mmm, not tonight. Sorry. I am so tired."

"Well who's gonna drive, then?"

"I don't even have a license."

"Well fine. Next time you want to come over and whine about your problems, forget about it." She hangs up.

Guilt overwhelms me. I sit up and peer out the window only to see my friend retreating towards her car. I could call out to her, or I could go back to sleep. Sleep comes a lot more easily than I would have thought. Apparently I'm not too upset after all.

After work the next day, I think over what I want to do if Kailie comes by again, wanting to party. Do I want to go sit by a fire on the beach and get my clothes all smokey? No, I think. I don't. But JP might be there, says a little voice in my head. You could get a chance to talk to him.

But of all the beach parties I've been to, and it's been dozens, he's only ever been at one of them. I think of Kailie going to search for Ben time after time and, more often than not, coming home disappointed. That, I decide, is not going to be me.

So when the knock comes on my window several hours later, I wake up, flip the latch and say, "No parties."

"Why not?" Kailie leans in and scowls at me.

"I don't want to go. We can get burritos, though, if you want?"

"Why, so you can whine at me about your problems?"

"No. It's too cold to be out. We can get burritos and come back here."

She shakes her head. "Ben might be at this one."

"Then let him miss out on seeing you. Maybe he'll call."

"That's the stupidest idea ever. You obviously don't get how this works."

And you do? I think. I hold my tongue.

"Well, I don't want to eat a gazillion calories and just hang out here," she says.

"Okay. Maybe some other time."

"You are unbelievable."

"Sorry, I just don't want to go out in the cold."

"Whatever." She pulls her head back and slams the window shut.

I wonder what kind of retaliation she'll inflict on me for this one.

On Monday, though, she's waiting for me at the corner with her usual smile and carefree air. The day pa.s.ses without incident. I wonder if perhaps I've gotten away with it this time. The thought of being able to say what I want without her getting my face mashed in is far more liberating than I expected.

On Thursday, Kailie comes into the library. "Hey, can we talk?"

Siraj waves a hand in the direction of the little conference room, so Kailie and I go back and I shut the door.

"Are you still with Jean-Pierre?"

"Yeah," I say.

"I saw him making out with Tatiana, behind the school."

Those words feel like an icicle rammed through my heart. My breath catches for a moment.

"When?"

"Like, ten minutes ago. I had to stay after for detention, which, can I say, is so much nicer than being grounded at home?"

I only half hear that.

"Madison?"

"Yeah, sorry." I wish I had JP's phone number. It never bothered me before that I didn't, but now it does. It occurs to me to wonder why I don't have it.

"So you know what you guys have isn't exclusive, right?"

"No, I didn't."

"Well, catch a clue. Anyway, I gotta get home."

"Thanks for telling me."

"Guys are more trouble than they're worth, I swear." She lets herself out of the conference room and darts on out the front doors.

"Secret meetings now?" says Siraj, but when he sees my face, his expression goes serious. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah, it's fine." I do my best to act like I don't care. This, after all, could be Kailie's retaliation for last weekend. Lying about something like this is just her style. It's a variation on the Facebook hacking.

"I'm beginning to think that 'fine' does not mean the same thing to you that it means to everyone else," says Siraj. "To you it seems to mean, 'leave me alone and don't ask.'"

I sit down at the desk.

"Then again, perhaps that is what it means to most people in these circ.u.mstances. All I am trying to say is that it's okay to tell me things are not fine."

"Thanks." I log into my email and find another message from John.

Madison, I know it's pathetic to beg, but I'm begging you, talk to me? Please? I refuse to stop telling you you're beautiful and interesting, but surely that's not a good reason to cut me off, is it?

Love, John I frown. He is not who I want to talk to right now. It was his stupid advice that got me into this situation. I can't even tell him about what Kailie just said to me. He'd launch into another of his anti-JP diatribes.

"Is your email also fine?" says Siraj.

"It's my brother."

"He okay?"

"He doesn't like my boyfriend. Acts like a total know-it-all."

"You sure he doesn't just want to protect you?"

"Do I need protection?"

"Who doesn't sometimes?"

I stare down at the grimy keyboard of my computer.

"Especially at your age. You have the problems of an adult and the life experience of a child. It's a difficult transition to make."

"Gee thanks."

"It's not an insult. There is nothing wrong with being young. It's how we all start out."

"Maybe I just don't want him to be right about something. He'd be all, I-told-you-so."

"Then don't tell him. Find some way that he's wrong and pick on him for that."

Not the answer I expected. "What?"

"You aren't experienced with having siblings. Allow me to educate you. I have nine."

"You have nine?"

He laughs. "I'm from India. It's a very overpopulated place. You think having a brother who emails you is hard, try having three who share a room with you."

"Yeah. Well, thanks for caring."

"Of course I care. You're welcome." He smiles at me and returns his attention to his computer.

Friday morning, Carson climbs out of the MAV and comes straight towards me. Kailie carries on with a disgusted look in my direction.

"If you go to the movies with me Wednesday night," says Carson, "that's when a whole group of us is going. Mutual was canceled because our Young Women's presidency is all out of town."

That last sentence made absolutely no sense to me.

"Will you think about it at least?"

"Yeah, I'll think about it."

"Okay. Everything all right?"

"I think so."

"You've got my number."

"Yeah. Thanks."

He nods and looks at me for a moment longer before saying goodbye.

I can't help but think of all the things I learned about his religion on the internet. I'm curious to hear what he'd think about it, but I'm also pretty sure he'd get upset. Best to just leave it lie, I think.

As I start my day at school, I figure my plan is simple. I just need to find JP and talk to him. I even sent him a Facebook message before I left work yesterday to let him know I wanted a moment.

He is nowhere to be seen before cla.s.s. No big deal, I think. I don't always see him before cla.s.s.

I catch a glimpse of him between second and third period, but he breezes by with his friends and doesn't notice me. Also normal, but kind of annoying.