Mockingbird. Part 20

During all this the bus must have been driving on good Permoplastic pavement, because the ride was very smooth. Sometimes for stretches of several miles the road gives out. It happened several times yesterday; the pale green Permoplastic abruptly ends either in a stretch of rutted black road or no road at all-in just a field. The bus slows down to a crawl and goes carefully around obstacles and tries to find the smoothest possible path, although it sometimes lurches violently. This is uncomfortable; but I don't worry that the bus will be damaged. Despite the apparent brittleness of the brain beneath the heavy cover plate, the bus is a rugged, well-constructed machine.

Before I left Maugre I stopped the bus at Annabel's grave and got out and placed some roses from the garden on it, up against the little wooden cross I had made with her name-probably the first truly marked human grave in centuries. I stood there for several minutes, thinking of Annabel and of how much she had meant to me. But I did not cry for her-did not want to.

Then I got into the bus and told it to take me to New York. The bus seemed to know exactly what to do. It drove slowly and carefully down the center lane of the huge graveyard, past the thousands of little, nameless Permoplastic grave markers sitting quietly there in the early-morning light, until it came to the broad green highway that I had seen before on walks around Maugre but had never walked on. When it got on the smooth surface, kept clear of debris by robot maintenance crews, it began picking up speed, heading down the broad and empty road.

My relief to be getting away was exquisite. I had no regrets. I felt fine, and I am feeing fine now, in the dark of the night, with my helpful and patient bus and my food supply and my books and records and my cat.

The sky has begun to lighten outside the windows now, and when the road sometimes comes close to the ocean I look out across the beach and the water, toward the pale and lonely gray of the sky where the sun will come up, and sometimes it almost makes me stop breathing because of the beauty of it. It is not exactly the same as what I felt when stopping at the end of my rows of Protein 4 at the prison; its beauty now seems even deeper, and mystical-like Mary Lou's eyes when she looks at me in that strange, puzzled way.

The ocean must be very vast; it means freedom to me, and possibility. It makes something mysterious open in my mind, the way some of the things I read in books do at times, making me feel more alive than I had ever thought I could feel, and more human.

One of my books says that at times men have wors.h.i.+pped the ocean as a G.o.d. I can understand that easily. Yes.

But the Baleens would never have understood such a thing; they would have called the idea "blasphemy." The G.o.d they wors.h.i.+p is an abstract and ferociously moral thing, like a computer. And the compelling, mystical rabbi, Jesus, they have turned into some kind of moral Detector. I want none of that, and none of the Jehovah of the Book of Job, either.

I think I may already be a wors.h.i.+pper of the ocean. In reading the New Testament aloud to the Baleens, I developed a strong admiration for Jesus, as a sad and terribly knowing prophet-a man who had grasped something about life of the greatest importance and had attempted, and largely failed, to tell what it was. I can feel, in myself, a kind of love for him and for his attempt, in saying things like "The Kingdom of Heaven is within you," for I think I glimpse his meaning, here, looking out of the thought-bus window toward the still and gray expanse of the Atlantic Ocean with the sun about to rise on it.

Yet I cannot myself say what that meaning is. But I trust it far more than all of the nonsense I was taught as a child in the dormitories.

The sky at the top of the gray ocean has become much lighter now. The sun is about to rise. I will end this recording for now and stop the bus and walk outside and watch the sun rise over the ocean.

My G.o.d, the world can be beautiful.

OCTOBER FOURTH.

The sunrise was strengthening. Afterward I walked to the edge of the water, took off my clothes, and waded out and bathed in the surf. It was cold, but I didn't mind it. And there is beginning to be the feeling of whiter in the air.

After my swim I had the bus play music in my head for me for a while. But I stopped it before long. It was stupid music, bouncy and empty. So I managed to rig up my phonograph and the generator, but when I tried to play records the needle, as I had feared, would not stay in the groove while the bus was moving. I stopped the bus on the road for long enough to play the Mozart Jupiter Symphony and a part of "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." That was much better. Then I poured myself a small gla.s.s of whiskey, shut off the generator, and continued down the road.

I have seen no other vehicles and no sign of human habitation since I left Maugre.

My G.o.d, the things I have read and learned since I left Ohio! And they have changed me so much I hardly recognize myself. Just knowing that there has been a past to human life and getting a slight sense of what that past was like have altered my mind and my behavior beyond recognition.

I had seen talking films as a graduate student, along with the handful of others who were interested in such things. But the films -Magnificent Obsession, Dracula Strikes, The Sound of Music- had only seemed to be "mind-blowing." They were merely another, more esoteric way of manipulating one's mental states for the sake of pleasure and inwardness. It would never have occurred to me then, in my illiterate and brainwashed state, to observe such films as a means of learning something valuable about the past.

But most of all, it seems to me now, has been the courage to know and to sense my feelings that has come, slowly, from the emotionally charged silent films at the old library at first and then later from the poems and novels and histories and biographies and how-to-do-it books that I have read. All of those books-even the dull and nearly incomprehensible ones-have made me understand more clearly what it means to be a human being. And I have learned from the sense of awe I at times develop when I feel in touch with the mind of another, long-dead person and know that I am not alone on this earth. There have been others who have felt as I feel and who have, at times, been able to say the unsayable. "Only the mockingbird sings at the edge of the woods." "I am the way and the truth and the life. He that believeth in me, though he die, yet shall he live." "My life is light, waiting for the death wind. Like a feather on the back of my hand."

And without the ability to read I would never have found a way to get this thought bus moving, taking me to New York and to Mary Lou, whom I must try to see again before I die.

OCTOBER FIFTH.

It was a warm and sunny morning today and I decided to have myself a roadside picnic, something like the one in The Lost Chord, with Zasu Pitts. I stopped the bus around noon by a little grove of trees, fixed myself a plate of bacon and beans and a gla.s.s of whiskey and water, found myself a comfortable spot under the trees, and ate my meal slowly and thoughtfully while But chased b.u.t.terflies on the gra.s.s.

For most of the morning the bus had been out of sight of the ocean; I hadn't seen the water for several hours. After eating and then dozing for a few minutes I decided to climb a little rise of ground to see if I could tell where we were. And when I got up there I could see the ocean and, way over to my left, the buildings of New York! Suddenly I became excited and stood there transfixed, trembling slightly and clutching my half-empty gla.s.s.

I could see the Statue of Privacy in Central Park, the great, solemn, leaden figure with closed eyes and a serenely inward smile; it is still one of the Wonders of the Modern World. I could see its huge gray bulk from where I stood, miles away. I tried to find the buildings of NYU, where I had told the bus to take me, and where I had some hope of finding Mary Lou, or at least some trace of her, but I could not.

And then, looking at New York there in the distance, with the Empire State Building at one end and the Statue of Privacy, so dark and leaden, at the other, something sank in my heart.

I knew I wanted Mary Lou, but I did not want to go into New York again, into that dead city.

And I felt it then, a heavy weight of oppression at the thought of those New York streets, on their way to becoming as overgrown as those of Maugre. And all that stupid life moving dazedly about those dying streets-stoned faces of Inwardness, lives with minds that barely flickered, lives that were like mine once had been: not worth the trouble of living. A society haunted by death and not alive enough to know it. And those group immolations! Immolations at the Burger Chef, and a zoo filled with robots.

The city lay there under the early-autumn sunlight like a tomb. I did not want to go back.

And then I heard a quiet voice in my mind saying, "There is nothing in New York that can hurt you." It was the voice of my bus.

I thought about that a moment and then I said aloud, "It is not being hurt that I fear." I looked down at my wrist, still a bit twisted from so long before.

"I know," the bus said. "You are not afraid. You are only displeased with New York, and with what it means for you now."

"I was happy there once," I said. "Sometimes with Mary Lou. And my films, sometimes . . ."

"Only the mockingbird sings at the edge of the woods," the bus said.

It was startling to hear that "You took those words from my mind?" I said.

"Yes. They are often in your mind."

"What do they mean?"

"I don't know," the bus said. "But they make you feel something strongly."

"Something sad?"

"Yes. Sad. But it is a sadness that is good for you to feel."

"Yes," I said. "I know that."

"And you have to go to New York if you want to see her."

"Yes," I said.

"Get in," the bus said.

I climbed down the little hill, called Biff to me, and got into the bus. "Let's get rolling," I said aloud.

"By all means," the bus said. It shut its door smartly, and began to roll.

OCTOBER SIXTH.

It was close to evening as we drove over the huge, empty, rusty old bridge onto Manhattan Island; lights were already on in some of the little Permoplastic houses along Riverside Drive. The sidewalks were empty except for an occasional robot pus.h.i.+ng a cart of raw materials toward one of the vending shops on Fifth Avenue, or a sanitation crew collecting garbage. I saw one old woman out on the sidewalk, on Park Avenue; she was fat and wore a shapeless gray dress and was carrying a bunch of flowers in her hand.

We pa.s.sed a few thought buses on the street, most of them empty. An empty Detection car went cruising past us. New York was very peaceful but I was becoming apprehensive. I had eaten nothing since my small picnic lunch; I had been nervous all afternoon. I was not afraid, as I might once have been, but just tense. I didn't like it. But there was nothing to do about it except bear it. A few times I thought about having more whiskey to drink, or stopping the bus at a drug machine and trying to vandalize it for sopors-since I no longer had a credit card-but I had decided long before to keep chemicals like those out of my body. So I drove such ideas from my mind and just put up with feeling uncomfortable and jittery. At least I knew what was going on around me.

The steel buildings of NYU were dazzling in the setting sun. On the drive through Was.h.i.+ngton Square we pa.s.sed four or five students in their denim robes, each of them going his separate way. The square was overgrown with weeds. None of the fountains were working, I had the bus park in front of the library.

And there it was, the old half-rusted building where I had worked in the archives and had lived with Mary Lou. My heart began beating very hard when I saw it sitting there, surrounded by weeds and with no one in sight.

I had enough presence of mind to realize that I might lose my bus to someone who merely wanted to take it somewhere. So I took my tool kit and removed the front panel, disconnected what Audel's Guide called the "Door Activating a.s.sembly Servo," and then told the door to open. And it would not. I set the tool kit inside the brain opening. No one would bother it.

I walked into the building, a little less shaky but still very excited. There was no one there. The halls were empty; the rooms I looked into were empty; there was no sound except for the echoing of my own footsteps.

I did not feel, as I might once have, either awed or jumpy from the emptiness of the place. I was wearing one of my new sets of clothes from Maugre: tight blue jeans, a black turtleneck, and light black shoes. I had pulled the sleeves of my turtleneck up earlier in the day, because of the warmth, and my forearms were suntanned, lean, and muscular. I liked the looks of them, and I liked the general feeling in my body and in my mind that they seemed to convey: springy, taut, and strong. I was no longer over-impressed with this dying building; I was merely looking for someone in it.

My old room was empty, and unchanged since I had been there, but the collection of silent films was gone. I was disappointed at that, since at the back of my mind I had planned to take them with me-or with us-wherever I might go in my thought bus.

Still sitting on my old bed-and-desk was the artificial fruit that Mary Lou had picked for me at the zoo.

I took the fruit and stuffed it into the side pocket of my jeans. I looked around the room. There was nothing else in it that I wanted. I left, slamming the door shut behind me. I had decided where to go.

While I was replacing the wires in the thought bus by the light from a streetlamp outside, I looked up to see a fat, balding man staring at me. He must have come up while I was working, without my seeing him. His face was puffy and characterless, with a stoned inwardness that was, for a moment, shocking to see. I realized after a moment that it was not really different from hundreds of faces I had seen before, but that there were two things different now about my way of looking at him: I was no longer concerned with Privacy, and consequently I examined him more closely than I might have a year before; and I was used to being close to the Baleens and, although they took drugs too, their faces did not have the arrogant stupidity about them that most ordinary people had.

After I had stared at him a moment he lowered his eyes and began looking at his feet. I turned back to the wires I was reattaching to the bus's servo, and I heard him speaking in a gravelly voice. "That's illegal," he was saying. "Tampering with Government Property."

I did not even look back at him. "What government?" I said.

He was silent for a moment. Then he said, "That's tampering. Tampering is a Mistake. You could go to prison."

I turned around and looked at him. I was holding a wrench in my right hand, and I was sweating a bit. I looked right in his eyes, and at his idiotic, mindless, pasty face. "If you don't get away from me right now," I said, "I'll kill you."

His jaw went slack and he stared at me.

"Move, you fool," I said. "Right now."

He turned and walked away. I saw him reach in his pocket and pull out some pills and begin swallowing them, holding his head back. I felt like throwing the wrench at him.

I finished refastening the wires and then got into the bus and told it to take me to the Burger Chef on Fifth Avenue.

She was not in the Burger Chef; but I had not really expected her to be. The place looked different to me somehow, and then I realized that it was the booths. Two of them had been taken out altogether and almost all of the rest were badly charred. There must have been several immolations since I had last been there.

I went to the counter and told the female Make Two to give me two algaeburgers and a gla.s.s of tea from the samovar. She got them, a bit slowly, and set them down on the counter, waiting. Suddenly I realized what she was waiting for: my credit card. And I didn't have one, had forgotten all about them.

"I don't have a credit card," I said to her.

She looked at me with that stupid robot look-the same look the guards at the prison always had on their faces-and then she picked up the tray again, turned, and began carrying it over toward a trash bin.

I shouted at her, "Stop! Bring that back!"

She stopped, turned slightly, then turned back again toward the trash bin. She began moving toward it again, more slowly.

"Stop, you idiot!" I shouted. Then, hardly thinking about it, I climbed over the counter, walked quickly over to her, and put my hand on her shoulder. I turned her around facing me, and took the tray from her. She merely looked at me stupidly for a moment, and then somewhere in the ceiling of the room an alarm bell began to ring furiously.

I climbed quickly back over the counter and started to leave, when I saw a big heavy moron robot in a green uniform coming toward me from a back room somewhere. He was like the one at the zoo, and he began to say, "You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent . . ."

"Bug off, robot," I told him. "Get back in the kitchen and leave the customers alone."

"You are under arrest," he said, but more weakly this time. He had stopped moving.

I walked up to him and looked into his empty, nonhuman eyes. I had never looked at a robot that closely before, having been brought up to fear and respect them. And I became aware, looking at his stupid, manufactured face, that I was seeing for the first time what the significance of this dumb parody of humanity really was: nothing, nothing at all. Robots were something invented once out a blind love for the technology that could allow them to be invented. They had been made and given to the world of men as the weapons that nearly destroyed the world had once been given, as a "necessity." And, deeper still, underneath that blank and empty face, identical to all the thousands of faces of its make, I could sense contempt-contempt for the ordinary life of men and women that the human technicians who had fas.h.i.+oned it had felt. They had given robots to the world with the lie that they would save us from labor or relieve us from drudgery so that we could grow and develop inwardly. Someone must have hated human life to have made such a thing-such an abomination in the sight of the Lord.

This time I spoke to him-to it-and with fury. "Get out of my sight, robot," I shouted. "Get out of my sight immediately."

And the robot turned and walked away from me.

I looked over at the four or five people who were sitting, each in his own booth, in the Burger Chef. Every one of them had his shoulders drawn up and his eyes closed, in complete Privacy Withdrawal.

I left quickly and was relieved to be back in my thought bus. I told it silently to take me to the Bronx Zoo, to the House of Reptiles. "Gladly," it said.

All of the lights were out at the zoo. The moon had begun to rise. I had my kerosene lantern lit when the bus pulled up in front of the door of the House of Reptiles. The air was cool on my skin, but I did not put on a jacket.

The door was not locked. When I opened it and came into the room I could hardly recognize my surroundings. That was partly because of the eeriness of the weak kerosene light in the place but also because of the fact that there were white cloths or some kind of towels hanging over the tops of the cases on the back wall.

I looked on the bench where Mary Lou had slept. She was not there. There was an odd smell in the room-warm and sweet. And the room itself was warm and stuffy, as though the temperature had been turned up. I stood still for a while, trying to accustom myself to the altered place in the dim light. I could not see any reptiles in the cases; but the light was poor. The python case looked strange, and there was something humped in the middle of it.

I found a switch on the wall, turned the lights on, and stood there blinking at the brightness.

And then a voice came from in front of me: "What the h.e.l.l . . . ?"

It was Mary Lou. The hump in the floor of the case had rearranged itself and I saw that it was Mary Lou. Her hair was matted and her eyes were squinted half shut. She looked the way she had on that night long before when my agitation had driven me out here and I had waked her and we had talked.

I opened my mouth to speak, but then said nothing. She was sitting now, in the case, with her legs hanging over the side. There was no gla.s.s in the case anymore-and certainly no python-and she had put a mattress in it to make a bed; that was what she was sitting on now, rubbing her eyes and trying to focus them on me.

Finally I spoke. "Mary Lou," I said.

She stopped rubbing her eyes and stared. "That's you, Paul," she said softly. "Isn't it?"

"Yes," I said.

She eased herself down to the floor and started walking slowly toward me. She was wearing a long white nights.h.i.+rt that was very wrinkled, and her face was puffy from sleep. Her feet were bare; they padded on the floor as she walked. And when she came close to me and stopped, looking up at me from under her matted hair, sleepily, yet with that same old intense look, I felt something catch in my throat and I did not try to speak.

She looked me up and down like that, closely. And then she said, "Jesus, Paul. You've changed."

I said nothing, but nodded.

She shook her head wonderingly. "You look . . . you look ready for anything."

Suddenly I found words. "That's right," I said. And then I stepped forward and put my arms around her and pulled her to me, very hard. And in a moment I felt her arms around my back, pulling me even tighter. My heart seemed to expand then, holding her firm body against mine, smelling her hair and the smell of soap on the back of her white neck, feeling her b.r.e.a.s.t.s against my breast, her stomach against mine, her hand, now, caressing the back of my neck.

I began to feel an arousal that I had never felt before. My whole body felt it. I let my hands slide down her back until they held her hips, pulling her against me. I began to kiss her throat.

Her voice was nervous, soft. "Paul," she said, "I just woke up. I need to wash my face and comb my hair . . ."

"No, you don't," I said, bringing my hands together behind her, pulling her tighter to me.

She put the palm of her hand against my cheek. "Jesus Christ, Paul!" she said softly.

I took her hand in mine and led her to the large bed she had made from the python cage. We undressed, watching each other silently. I felt stronger, more certain than I had ever felt with her before.