No Greater Love Part 2

"Don't be silly. It's colder than this at my uncle Rupert's house, inside, over breakfast." He smiled, and helped her into her mother's fur coat. He was sure that nothing was wrong. And whatever it was, he was sure they were readjusting it, and they'd be on their way again before long.

In the halls, they encountered other curious pa.s.sengers, like themselves, people in nightgowns and far coats, still in white tie and ballgowns, or bathrobes and bare legs. It seemed that a number of people, including John Jacob Astor, sensed something amiss and wanted to know what had happened. But a tour around the deck told them nothing more except what they already knew, that the s.h.i.+p was stopped, and three of the four great funnels were blowing steam into the night sky. But there appeared to be no visible sign of danger. There were no great mysteries to be solved, nothing major seemed to be amiss, and a steward finally explained that they had "struck a little ice," but there was nothing to worry about. Mr. Astor went back to his wife, and Charles and Edwina went back inside to get out of the cold, and were told that they had nothing to fear. In fact, if they wanted to see it, a little bit of the ice could still be seen in the third-cla.s.s recreation area, and there were people on deck, facing the stern, watching the steerage pa.s.sengers far below throw s...o...b..a.l.l.s and chunks of ice as they laughed.

But the thrill of that did not appeal to Charles or Edwina and having determined that nothing was seriously amiss, they decided to go back to their staterooms. It was five minutes before midnight by then, and when they got back to their private parlor, they found Bertram waiting for them with a worried frown.

"Is something wrong with the s.h.i.+p?" He was whispering because his wife was still asleep, but he'd been worried since the engines stopped.

"Doesn't appear to be," Charles answered right away, dropping his heavy coat on a chair, as Edwina peeled off her mother's fur coat. "Apparently, we've hit some ice, but no one seems particularly concerned. The crew seem to be taking it in stride, and there's nothing to see on deck." Charles looked relaxed, and Bertram seemed relieved. He felt a little foolish for being worried about it now, but he was a man with a family, and he had wanted to be sure that all was well. He said good night to them then, told Edwina not to stay up too late, and went back to bed, at exactly 12:03, just as far below the decks the stokers fought furiously to put out the huge s.h.i.+p's fires in her boilers, and water gushed across the mail room floor. The t.i.tanic had indeed hit an iceberg and her first five so-called watertight compartments were full of water, from the gash the iceberg had caused. On the bridge, Captain Smith, Bruce Ismay, the head of the White Star Line, and Thomas Andrews, the s.h.i.+p's builder, stood in disbelief and tried to determine just how desperate was the situation.

Andrews's conclusions were far from cheering. There was no way around it, with five of her compartments filled with water, the t.i.tanic could not stay afloat for long. The unsinkable s.h.i.+p was sinking. They thought they could keep her afloat for a while, but no one could be sure how long, and as Bertram Winfield went back to bed, he thought for just an instant that the floor beneath his feet was listing slightly, but he was certain he was mistaken.

And five minutes after midnight, at Thomas Andrews's urging, Captain Smith looked at the officers on the bridge and told them to uncover the lifeboats. There had been no lifeboat drill until then, no practice, no warnings, no preparation. This was the s.h.i.+p that could not sink, the s.h.i.+p they would never have to worry about, and now all the first-cla.s.s stewards were knocking on doors, and in an instant Bert was back in the room. He had heard the voices the minute Charles opened the door to the parlor, but he couldn't hear the words. And now he heard them all too clearly. The steward was smiling, and speaking to them gently, as though they were all children and he wanted them to listen to him, but he didn't want them to be startled or frightened. Yet it was obvious, too, that he wanted them to do as they were told, and quickly.

"Everyone up on deck, with life belts on. Right now!" There were no bells, no sirens, no general alarm. In fact, the silence was eerie, but the look in the steward's eyes said that he meant it, and Edwina could feel herself move into another gear, the way she did when one of the children was hurt, and she suddenly knew that she had to move quickly to give her mother a hand with the others.

"Do I have time to change?" Edwina asked the steward before he moved on to the next room, but he only shook his head and tossed the words back over his shoulder.

"I don't think so. Just stay as you are, and put your life belt on. It'll help keep you warm. Just a precaution, but you must go up now." He was gone then, and for a fraction of a moment she looked at Charles and he squeezed her hand, as her father went to wake her mother and the children. Oona was back by then, but like Kate and the children, she was fast asleep in her cabin.

"I'll help you get the children up," Charles offered, and went to Phillip and George, got their life belts out for them, and urged them to hurry, while attempting not to frighten them too much, but it was difficult not to. Only George thought it sounded like good fun, but poor Phillip looked terribly worried as he slipped the life belt over his clothes and Charles showed him how to work it.

Edwina woke Alexis up first, with a gentle shake, and a quick kiss, and then she simply lifted Fannie from her bed, and gently shook Oona's arm, but the girl was looking wild-eyed as Edwina tried to explain to her what had happened, without panicking the children.

"Where's Mama?" Alexis looked terrified, and she ran back to bed as Edwina told Oona to get Teddy, and just then Kate came out of their bedroom, pulling her dressing gown over her nightgown, looking sleepy but composed, and Alexis flew into her arms with a vengeance.

"What's going on?" Kate looked confused as her eyes went from her husband to her daughter, and then to Charles. "Did I miss something rather crucial while I was asleep?" She felt as though she'd woken in the middle of a drama and she had no idea what it was that had happened.

"I'm not sure." Bertram was honest with her. "All I know is that we've hit some ice, they claim it's not serious, or at least that was what they told Charles half an hour ago, but now they want us all up on deck, in life vests, at our lifeboat stations."

"I see." Kate was already looking around the room, and glanced at Edwina's feet as she did. She was wearing gossamer-thin silver sandals with delicate heels, and her feet would have been frozen in less than five minutes on deck. "Edwina, change your shoes. Oona, put your coat on, and put the life vests on Fannie and Teddy at once." But Charles was already helping her, as Bertram went to put trousers over his pajamas and exchange his slippers for socks and shoes. He put on a sweater that he had brought and not yet worn, and then put on his coat and his life vest, and he brought a warm wool dress to Kate in the room where she was helping Alexis dress, and as he did, he was suddenly aware that the floor beneath his feet was now sloping more acutely, and for the first time since he'd woken up, he was secretly frightened.

"Come on, children, hurry up," he said, trying to appear confident when he wasn't. Phillip and George were set. Edwina had brogues and her own coat on now, over her blue satin evening dress, and Charles had successfully helped her get clothes and life vests on Fannie and Teddy and Alexis. Only Oona was running around in bare feet and her nightgown. And Kate was pulling the heavy traveling dress Bert had handed her over her dressing gown, as she stepped into walking shoes, and then struggled into her fur coat.

"You have to dress," Edwina hissed at Oona, not wanting to frighten the children more than they were, but wanting to impress on her the importance of the situation.

"Oh, Alice ... I must go to my cousin Alice, and little Mary ..." She was half crying and wringing her hands as she ran around the cabin.

"You'll do no such thing, Oona Ryan. You'll put your clothes on and come with us," Kate snapped. She was still holding Alexis by the hand, and although the child was terrified, she was no longer protesting. She knew she would be fine, as long as she was with her mother and father. They were all ready, except for Oona, who was suddenly too frightened to join them.

"I can't swim ... I can't swim ..." she cried.

"Don't be ridiculous." Kate grabbed her arm, and motioned to Edwina to start out with the others. "You don't need to swim, Oona. All you have to do is come with me. We're going upstairs in a moment. But first you are going to put your dress on." She put a wool dress of her own over the girl's head then, knelt at her feet and helped her slip on shoes, put one of her own coats over the girl's shoulders, grabbed a life vest, and within a matter of minutes they were just behind the others. But now the corridors were crowded with people heading for the decks, in equally peculiar outfits, with life vests and worried faces, although some laughed and said they thought it was all very foolish. It was twelve-fifteen by then, and Wireless Operator Phillips was making his first call for help, as the water level below decks rose rapidly higher, and much faster than Captain Smith had expected. After all, it was only half an hour since they'd hit the berg. But the squash court was filled to the ceiling by then, and Fred Wright, the squash pro, said nothing of it to young Phillip when he saw him on the way to the lifeboats.

"Should I have taken any of my jewelry with me?" Kate suddenly asked Bert worriedly. It was the first time she had even thought of it, and she didn't want to go back now. She had worn only her wedding ring, and it was all she really cared about or wanted.

"Don't worry about it." He smiled and squeezed her hand. "I'll buy you some new baubles if you ... misplace these...." He didn't want to say "lose," for fear of what that implied. He was suddenly terrified of what was going to happen to his wife and their children. They went all the way up to the Boat Deck, and when Bert glanced into the gym, he could see John Jacob Astor and his wife, sitting quietly on the mechanical horses. He wanted her out of the cold, for fear that being frightened and cold might cause her to lose the baby. They were both wearing life vests, and he had a third one across his lap, and as they talked, he was playing with his penknife. The Winfields walked on past the gym then, and they came out on the port side, where the crew were uncovering eight wooden lifeboats as the band started to play. There were another eight being uncovered on the starboard side as well, four toward the bow, four toward the stern, and there were also four canvas collapsible lifeboats. It was not a cheering sight, and as Bert watched them prepare the boats, he could feel his heart pound as he held his wife's hand tightly in his own. She was holding Fannie in one arm, and Alexis was standing as close to her as she could, while Phillip carried little Teddy. They stood closely huddled together in the cold, unable to believe that on this vast, indomitable s.h.i.+p they were actually uncovering the lifeboats and standing there in the middle of the night waiting to load them. There were murmured voices in the crowd, and a moment later, Kate saw Phillip talking to a boy he had befriended at the beginning of the trip. His name was Jack Thayer and he was from Philadelphia. His parents had been to a dinner party that night given by the Wideners, also of Philadelphia, for the captain. But Jack hadn't joined them, and he was talking to Phillip now, the two boys smiled for a moment, and then Jack moved toward another group, still looking for his parents. Kate saw the Allisons of Montreal, as well, with little Lorraine clutching her mother's hand and her beloved dolly. They were hanging back from the others, with Mrs. Allison holding tightly to her husband's arm, and the governess holding the little boy in her arms, bundled up in a blanket, to protect him from the icy air of the North Atlantic.

Second Officer Lightoller was in charge of loading the lifeboats on the port side, and everywhere around him there was polite confusion. There had never been a lifeboat drill, nor were there lifeboat a.s.signments for anyone but the crew, and even they weren't quite sure of where they were supposed to be and what they were supposed to be doing. Small groups of men were uncovering each of the lifeboats at random, and tossing in lanterns and tins of biscuits, but the crowds were still holding back as crewmen moved to the davits and began turning the cranks that swung the lifeboats out and then lowered them to where they could be boarded by the extremely hesitant group that stood and watched them. The band was playing ragtime, and Alexis began to cry then, but Kate was holding tightly to her hand and stooped to remind her that at this very moment, it was already her birthday, and later that day there would be presents, and perhaps even a cake.

"And later today, when we're all safely back on the s.h.i.+p, you'll have a very beautiful birthday." Kate settled Fannie on her hip again, and pulled Alexis closer to her, as she glanced at her husband. He was trying to listen to what was being said in the groups around them, to see if anyone had any information he hadn't yet heard. But no one seemed to know what was going on, except that they were actually going to load the lifeboats, women and children first, and no men whatsoever at this time. Just then, the band began to play even louder and Kate smiled at all of them, belying the terror that was beginning to gnaw at her as she looked at the lifeboats. "Nothing can be very wrong, or the band wouldn't be playing such pretty music, would they?" She exchanged a long look with Bertram then, and knew that he was frightened too, but there was very little that they could say now with their children all around them. And everything seemed to be happening so quickly.

Edwina was standing close to Charles, and he was chatting with a few young men. She and Charles were holding hands in the chill night air. She had forgotten to bring gloves, and he was trying to warm her icy fingers by holding them in his own. They called out for the women and children then, and everyone seemed to hang back as Second Officer Lightoller told them to step forward quickly. No one could bring themselves to believe that there was really any danger. A number of women seemed to hesitate, and then their husbands took charge. Messrs. Kenyon, Pears, and Wick led their wives forward and a.s.sisted them in, as the wives begged them not to make them go without them.

"Don't be foolish, ladies," someone's husband said for all to hear, "we'll all be back on the s.h.i.+p in time for breakfast. Whatever the trouble is, they'll have sorted it out by then, and think of the adventure you'll have had." He sounded so jovial that some laughed, and a few more women timidly stepped forward. Many of them brought their maids with them, but the husbands were clearly told to stand back. They were loading women and children only. Lightoller would tolerate no man's even thinking of getting into a lifeboat. Despite the women's protests that their husbands could help row, Lightoller was having none of it. It was women and children only. And as he said the words again, Oona looked at Kate suddenly and started to cry.

"I can't, ma'am ... I can't ... I can't swim ... and Alice ... and Mary ..." She began to back away from them, and Kate saw that she was going to start running. She moved away from Alexis briefly then, and tried to comfort Oona as she walked calmly toward her, but suddenly with a great shriek she was gone, running as fast as she could, down into the bowels of the s.h.i.+p, to find the door through which she had previously pa.s.sed to enter steerage to visit her cousin and her little girl.

"Shall I go after her?" Phillip asked his mother with worried eyes as she walked back to where the children stood, and Kate looked anxiously up at Bertram. Little Fannie was whimpering by then, and Edwina was now holding baby Teddy in her arms. But Bertram didn't want any of them running after Oona. If she was foolish enough to run back, she would have to board a lifeboat on another part of the s.h.i.+p and rejoin them later. He didn't want any of them getting lost, it was imperative that they all stay together.

Kate hesitated, and then turned to him. "Can't we wait? I don't want to leave you. Perhaps if we wait, they'll call the whole thing off, and we won't have to put the children through all this for nothing." But as she spoke, the deck slanted even farther, and Bertram knew that this was no longer an exercise. This was serious, and any delay on their part might be fatal. What he didn't know was that on the bridge, Thomas Andrews had informed Captain Smith that they had little more than an hour or so to stay afloat, and there were lifeboats for less than half the people on board the s.h.i.+p. Frantic efforts were being made to reach the Californian, only ten miles away, but she couldn't be roused, despite the radio operator's frantic efforts.

"I want you to go now, Kate." Bert said the words quietly, and she looked into her husband's eyes and was frightened by what she saw there. She saw that he was worried and afraid, more afraid than she had ever seen him. And with that, she instinctively turned to look for Alexis, who had been next to her only a moment before. For once, she wasn't buried in her mother's skirts, and Kate had let go of her hand when she had hurried after Oona. But now as Kate turned to look, Alexis wasn't there. Kate turned around several times, glanced around in the crowd, and looked over at Edwina to see if she was with her, but Edwina was quietly talking to Charles, while George stood by looking tired and cold and less excited than he had half an hour before. But he cheered up visibly as an explosion of rockets flew up high into the air, lighting the night sky all around them. It was 12:45 by then, barely more than an hour after they'd hit the iceberg that everyone had said couldn't harm them.

"What does that mean, Bert?" Kate whispered, still glancing everywhere distractedly for Alexis. Perhaps she was talking to the Allison child, or comparing dolls, as they'd done before.

"It means this is very serious, Kate." Bert explained the rockets to her. "You must get off with the children at once." And this time she knew that he meant it. He held her hand tightly in his own and there were tears in his eyes.

"I don't know where Alexis has gone," Kate said, with a tone of rising panic in her voice, and Bert looked frantically over the crowd from his height, but still didn't see her. "I think she must be hiding. I was holding her hand until I ran after Oona...." Tears sprang into her eyes. "Oh, my G.o.d, Bert ... where is she? Where could she have gone?"

"Don't worry, I'll find her. You stay here with the others." He pressed through the crowd, and he walked through every group, glanced into every corner, running from one cl.u.s.ter of people to another. But Alexis was nowhere. He hurried back to Kate then, and as she stood holding the baby, and trying to keep track of George at the same time, frantic eyes looked up at her husband, asking a question, but he only shook his head in answer. "Not yet," was his only answer, "but she can't have gone far. She never goes very far from you." But he looked worried and distracted.

"She must have gotten lost." Kate was on the verge of tears. This was no time for a six-year-old child to disappear in the tense moments as the t.i.tanic's pa.s.sengers boarded the lifeboats.

"She must be hiding." Bert frowned unhappily. "You know how afraid she is of the water." And how afraid she had been to come on the s.h.i.+p, and how Kate had rea.s.sured her that nothing could possibly happen. But it had, and now she had disappeared, as Lightoller called out for more women and children, and the band played on beside them. "Kate ..." Bert looked at her, but he already knew that she wouldn't leave without Alexis, if at all.

"I can't ..." She was looking all around, and overhead the flares were exploding like cannons.

"Send Edwina then." Perspiration stood out on Bertram's face, this was a nightmare they had never dreamed of. And as the deck continued to tilt beneath their feet, he knew that the unsinkable s.h.i.+p was sinking fast. He moved closer to his wife, and gently took little Teddy from her, unconsciously kissing the curls that fell over his forehead from under the wool cap Oona had put on him when they woke him in the cabin. "Edwina can take the little ones with her. And you go in the next boat with Alexis."

"And you?" Kate's face was deathly pale in the eerie white reflection of the rockets, as the band moved from ragtime to waltzes. "And George and Phillip?" ... and Charles ...

"They won't let the men on yet," Bert answered her question. "You heard what the man said. Women and children first. Phillip, George, Charles, and I will join you later." There was, in fact, a large group of men standing beside them now, waving at their wives as the lifeboat filled slowly. It was five minutes after one, and the night air seemed to be getting even colder, as the women continued to beg Second Officer Lightoller to allow their husbands to join them, but he wouldn't have it. And he sternly waved the men back, looking as though he would brook no nonsense.

Kate moved swiftly toward Edwina then, and told her what Bert had just said. "Papa wants you to get in the lifeboat with Fannie and Teddy. And George," she added suddenly. She wanted him to at least try to go with the others. He was a child, too, after all. He was only twelve. And Kate was determined to get him into a lifeboat with Edwina.

"What about you?" Edwina was startled, as she looked at her mother, shocked at the prospect of leaving the rest of her family on the s.h.i.+p, and taking only George and the two youngest with her.

"I'll come in the next one with Alexis," Kate said calmly. "I'm sure she's hiding right here, she's just frightened to come forward because she doesn't want to get in the lifeboat." Kate felt slightly less confident than that, but she didn't want to communicate her panic to her eldest daughter. She wanted her to get in the lifeboat with the little ones. And it was no help that Oona had deserted them. Kate wondered how she was faring in steerage with her cousin. "George can help you until Papa and I come." But George groaned at the prospect, he wanted to stay till the end with the men, but Kate was firm as she led them all back to Bert, and Charles and Phillip followed, "Have you found her yet?" Kate asked her husband, referring to Alexis while nervously glancing everywhere, but there was no sign of her anywhere. And Kate was anxious now for the others to get in the lifeboat so she could help Bert in his search for Alexis. But he was thinking of the others now. Lightoller was about to lower lifeboat number eight, the other women that were going were already in, although there were still a number of empty places. There would also have been enough room for the men, but no one would have dared challenge the intense little second officer's commands. There was talk of drawing guns if any of the men tried to board the lifeboat, and no one was anxious to challenge him to do that.

"Four more!" Bert called out to him as Edwina looked frantically at her parents, and beyond them at Charles, watching her in silent anguish.

"But ..." She didn't even have time to speak as her father pushed her toward number eight with Fannie and George and baby Teddy in her arms.

"Mama ... can't I wait for you?..." Tears sprang into her eyes, and for an instant she looked as she had as a child, as her mother put her arms around her and looked into her eyes. Teddy started to cry then, and reached his chubby little arms out to his mother again.

"No, baby, go with Edwina ... Mama loves you ..." Kate crooned and she touched his face with her own, then kissed his cheek and his little hands, and then, with both hands she touched Edwina's face, looking tenderly at her oldest daughter. There were tears in her eyes, and this time they were not tears of fear, but of sorrow. "I'll be with you every minute. I love you, sweet girl, with all my heart. Whatever happens, take good care of them." And then she whispered, "Be safe, and I'll see you in a little while." But for an instant, Edwina wondered if her mother really believed that, and suddenly she knew she didn't want to go without her.

"Oh, Mama ... no ..." Edwina clutched at her, with little Teddy in her arms, and suddenly they were both crying for their mother, as the men's powerful arms grabbed her and George and Fannie, and Edwina's eyes flew wildly between her mother, her father, and Charles. She hadn't even had a chance to say good-bye to him, and she called out, "I love you," as he blew her a kiss and waved and suddenly his gloves came hurtling toward her. She caught them just as she sat down, never taking her eyes from his. He was staring at her strangely, as though he didn't want to let go of her with his eyes. "Be brave, dear girl. We'll be with you in a minute," he called out, and at the same instant, the lifeboat was lowered, and Edwina could barely see them. She glanced from her mother to her father to Charles, tears streaming from her eyes, until she couldn't see them anymore. Kate could still hear little Teddy crying as she gave a last wave, fighting back her own tears, as she stood on deck, holding tightly to her husband's hand. Lightoller had balked when they'd put George in the lifeboat, but Bert had been quick to say he was not yet twelve. And he didn't wait for the second officer to comment as he lifted his son into the lifeboat. He had lied by two months, but Bert had feared he might not get George on if he admitted his correct age. George himself had begged to stay with his father and Phillip, but Bert thought Edwina might need his help with the two others.

"I love you, children," Bert whispered, staring at them till they were gone, as the lifeboat approached the water. Bert had shouted down his last words to them, "Mama and I will be along soon," and then turned away so they wouldn't see him crying.

And Kate gave an almost animal groan as they lowered the boat toward the water, and at last she dared to look down. She squeezed Bertram's hand. She could see Edwina holding Teddy, and clinging to Fannie's hand, and George looked up at them as the boat creaked and dropped slowly to the surface of the water. It was a delicate maneuver and Lightoller looked like a surgeon performing a difficult operation, one swift move, one careless gesture and the lifeboat would overturn on the way down, spilling its pa.s.sengers into the icy water. And the voices below all shouted up at them, a mixture of frantic words, last messages, and I love you's. And then suddenly before they were halfway down, Kate recognized Edwina calling. She saw her waving frantically and nodding her head and pointing. And as Kate looked to the front of the lifeboat, she saw her. The halo of blond curls was turned away, but there was no mistaking Alexis huddled at the front of the lifeboat. And Kate felt a wave of relief pa.s.s over her as she shouted down to Edwina, "I see her!... I see her!..." She was safe, with the others ... five children, her five precious babies all in one lifeboat. Now all she had to do was get off with Phillip and her husband, and Charles. He was chatting quietly with some of the other men, who had just put their wives in the lifeboat, and they were rea.s.suring each other that everything would be fine, and they would all be off the s.h.i.+p shortly.

"Oh, thank G.o.d, Bert, she found her." Kate was so relieved to know where Alexis was that her whole body visibly relaxed in spite of the continuing tension. "Why on earth would she get into the lifeboat without us?"

"Maybe someone grabbed her and put her in when she walked away from us, and she was too frightened to speak up. Whatever, she's safe now. Now I want you off next. Is that clear?" He sounded stern only to mask his own fears, but she knew him better than that.

"I don't see why I can't wait for you and Phillip and Charles. The children will be fine with Edwina." It was an unnerving feeling, thinking of all of them in the lifeboat without her, and yet now that she knew that Alexis was safe in her older sister's care, Kate wanted to stay with her husband. She shuddered at what it would have been like to not know that Alexis was safe, and she thanked G.o.d again that Edwina had been able to let her know Alexis was with her and all right.

The lifeboats below were moving away from the s.h.i.+p, and as number eight turned on the icy seas below, Edwina clutched little Teddy to her, and she tried to maneuver Fannie onto her lap as well, but the seats were too high, she could barely make it. She wanted to move toward the front to let Alexis know she was there, but it was impossible to go anywhere, and George was busy rowing with the others. It made him feel important, and in truth, they needed his help. Finally, she asked one of the women to let Alexis know she was there, and watched pointedly as word was pa.s.sed along toward the front of the lifeboat, and finally the little girl turned her head, so Edwina could see her, but as she did, Edwina gave a gasp. She was a beautiful child, and she was crying because she'd left her mother on the s.h.i.+p, but she wasn't Alexis. And Edwina knew she had done a terrible thing. She had told her mother that Alexis was there, and they wouldn't look for her now on the s.h.i.+p. A sob broke from her as she stared, and little Fannie started to cry as Edwina clutched her to her.

And at that very moment, Alexis was sitting quietly in her stateroom. She had slipped away when her mother let go of her hand and ran after Oona, and she had gone back as she'd wanted to from the first. She had left her beautiful doll in her bed, and she didn't want to leave the s.h.i.+p without her. And once she had gone back to her room, the doll was there, and it seemed so much quieter here, and so much less scary than on deck. She wouldn't have to get in a lifeboat now, or fall in that ugly, dark water. She could just wait here until it was all over and everyone came back. She would just sit here, with her doll, Mrs. Thomas. She could hear the band playing upstairs and the sounds of ragtime came drifting in the open windows, and voices and cries and murmurs. There was no running in the corridor now.

Everyone was on deck, saying good-bye to loved ones and hurrying into lifeboats, as the rockets continued to explode overhead, and the radio operator tried frantically to bring nearby s.h.i.+ps to their aid. The Frankfurt was the first to reply, at 12:18, then the Mount Temple, the Virginian, and the Birma, but there had been no word at all from the Californian since eleven o'clock when she had warned them of the iceberg and Phillips had snapped at her radio operator not to interrupt him. Ever since then, her radio had been silent. In truth, her radio was shut off. But she was the only s.h.i.+p close enough to help them, and there seemed no way to raise her at all. Even the rockets were to no avail. All those who saw them, on the Californian, only a.s.sumed that they were part of the festivities on the much celebrated maiden voyage. And it never dawned on anyone for a moment that they were sinking. Who would ever have thought it?

At 12:25, the Carpathia, only fifty-eight miles away, contacted them and promised to come as quickly as she could. By then, the Olympic, the t.i.tanic's sister s.h.i.+p, had chimed in, too, but she was five hundred miles away and too far to help at the moment.

Captain Smith was stepping in and out of the radio shack by then, and after watching Wireless Operator Phillips send the standard distress signal, CQD, he urged them to try the new call signal SOS as well, in the hope that even amateurs might hear it. Any a.s.sistance at all would have been welcome and was direly needed now. It was 12:45 A.M. when the first SOS was sent, and at that moment, Alexis was alone in the silent stateroom, playing with her doll and humming softly as she sat quietly, continuing to play. She knew she would be scolded later when they all came back, but maybe they wouldn't be too angry at her for running away, because after all today was her birthday. She was six years old now, and her dolly was much older. She liked to say that Mrs. Thomas was twenty-four. She was a grown-up.

On deck, Lightoller was filling another lifeboat, and on the starboard side, several men were climbing into the lifeboats now too. But on the port side, Lightoller was still strictly adhering to women and children only. The second-cla.s.s lifeboats were being filled as well, and in third cla.s.s, some of the pa.s.sengers were breaking through barriers and locked doors, in the hope of boarding in second cla.s.s or even first, but they had no idea where to go, or how to get there. Members of the crew were threatening to shoot them if they attempted to make their way through the s.h.i.+p, because they were afraid of looting and property damage aboard. The crewmen were telling them to go back the way they had come, as people shrieked and cried and begged to come past the crew members keeping them from the first-cla.s.s lifeboats. One Irish girl, with another girl her own age, and a little girl, was insisting that she had come from first cla.s.s in the first place, but the deckhand stolidly kept them from leaving third, he knew better than to believe her.

Kate and Bert walked into the gym for a minute then, to get warm again and escape the agonies of the tears and good-byes and the visible tension as Lightoller loaded another lifeboat. Phillip stayed outside on deck, with Jack Thayer and Charles, who were helping the women and children into the lifeboats. Dan Martin had just put his bride in the same lifeboat with Edwina, and another man had just sent his wife and baby off with them. And in the gym, Kate and Bert noticed that the Astors were still sitting on the mechanical horses and quietly talking. She seemed in no hurry to get off, and he had their maid and valet on the deck, keeping an eye on the situation.

"Do you suppose the children are alright?" Kate looked worriedly at Bert in the gym, as he nodded, relieved that Edwina had found Alexis, and that at least five of the children had gotten off. He was still worried about getting Phillip and Kate off, and he was hoping that Lightoller would take Phillip in the end. There was less hope for Bert and Charles, and they both knew it.

"I think they'll be alright," Bert rea.s.sured his wife. "It's certainly an experience none of them will forget. Nor will I," he added with a serious look at Kate. "I think she's going to sink, you know." He had been sure of it for the last half hour, although none of the crew would admit it, and the band played on as if it were all in good fun though a slightly crazy evening. And then, Bert looked at her pointedly and took one of her long, slim hands in his own and kissed the tips of her fingers. "I want you off in the next lifeboat, Kate. And I'm going to see if I can bribe them to take Phillip with you. He's only sixteen, they ought to be willing to take him. He's barely more than a child." The problem wasn't convincing her, it was convincing Lightoller.

"I don't see why we don't wait until they start boarding the men too, and I can go with you then. I can't help Edwina now anyway, we'd be in different lifeboats. And she's a very capable girl." Kate smiled, it was a terrible feeling not to be with them, yet she was sure that they'd be alright. She had to believe that. And Edwina was like another mother to them. All Kate had to worry about now was the safety of her oldest son, and her husband, and Edwina's fiance, Charles. Once they were in a lifeboat with her, she didn't give a d.a.m.n what happened to the s.h.i.+p, as long as everyone got off safely, and she saw no reason why they would not. Everything seemed to be moving ahead calmly, and the lifeboats weren't even full as they lowered them, which had to mean that there was plenty of room for everyone, or they wouldn't have lowered them without filling them completely first. And she was sure they had hours before anything serious happened, if anything serious happened at all. There was a false aura of calm that led her to believe they had nothing to fear.

But on the bridge, Captain Smith knew the truth. It was well after one o'clock by then and the engine room was flooded. There was no doubt that she was going down, the only question was how soon. And he was sure now that it wouldn't be long. Wireless Operator Phillips was sending frantic messages everywhere, and on the Californian, their radio still turned off, they watched the rockets high above the t.i.tanic without dreaming what they meant. They still thought she was celebrating. At one point, they noticed that she had begun to look very strange, and one of their officers thought she was sitting in the water at an odd angle. But still it never dawned on them that she was sinking. And the Olympic radioed and wanted to know if the t.i.tanic was coming to meet them. No one understood what was happening, or how fast they were going down. It was inconceivable to all that the "unsinkable" s.h.i.+p, the biggest s.h.i.+p afloat, was actually sinking. In fact, she was already halfway there. And this time, when Bert and Kate stepped out of the gym again, the atmosphere was very different. People were no longer calling out to each other quite so gaily, and husbands were begging their wives to be brave and leave the s.h.i.+p in the lifeboats without them. And when the women refused, the husbands forced them into crewmen's arms, and more than one woman was tossed unwillingly into a lifeboat. Lightoller, on the port side, was still following the rule of women and children only, but on the starboard side, for a few men there was hope, particularly if they claimed to know something about boats. They needed all the help they could get to row them. A few people were openly crying now and there were heart-wrenching good-byes everywhere. Most of the children were gone, and Kate was relieved that theirs were, too, with the exception of Phillip, but he would leave with them. And then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw little Lorraine Allison clinging to her mother's hand on the deck, and it reminded her of Alexis, now safely off with her brothers and sisters in lifeboat number eight. Mrs. Allison had kept Lorraine with her, and thus far she had refused to leave her husband, but she had put her younger child, Trevor, off with his nurse in one of the early lifeboats. More than once, Kate had seen families separate, and wives and children go on ahead, with the a.s.sumption that the husbands would get in the lifeboats that would leave the s.h.i.+p later. It was only toward the very end that it became obvious that almost all of the lifeboats were gone, and there were still almost two thousand people left on board with no way to escape, no way to flee the sinking s.h.i.+p. They were discovering what the captain, the builder, and the head of the White Star Line had known all along, that there weren't enough lifeboats for everyone. If the s.h.i.+p went down, most of them would drown, but who had ever thought the t.i.tanic would sink and they would actually need the lifeboats in which to escape her?

The captain was still on the bridge, and Thomas Andrews, the managing director of the firm that had built the enormous s.h.i.+p, was still helping to load people into the lifeboats, as Bruce Ismay, head of the White Star Line, pulled his collar close around his neck and stepped into one of the lifeboats, and no one dared to say a word of challenge. He was lowered to safety with the few chosen lucky ones, leaving close to two thousand souls doomed on the sinking t.i.tanic.

"Kate ..." Bert was looking at her pointedly, as they watched the next lifeboat being swung out on the davits. "I want you to go in this one." But she quietly shook her head and looked at him, and this time when her eyes met his, they were quiet and strong. She had always obeyed him, but she knew she wouldn't this time, no matter what he said to sway her.

"I'm not leaving you," she spoke softly. "I want Phillip to go now. But I'm staying here with you. We'll leave together when we can." Her back was very straight, and her eyes firmly locked in his. There was no changing her mind now, and he knew it. She had loved him and lived with him for twenty-two years, and she wasn't leaving him now at the eleventh hour. All but one of her children were safe, and she wouldn't leave her husband.

"And if we can't get off?" Ever since most of their children had gone, his own terror had dimmed a little bit, and he was able to say the words now. All he really wanted now was to get Phillip off with Kate, and Charles if he could. But he was willing to go down himself, as long as the rest of his family survived. It was a sacrifice he was willing to make for her, and for them, but he didn't want her to go too. It just wasn't fair to the children, or to her. The children needed her. And he wanted her to get off while she could. "I don't want you staying here, Kate."

"I love you." The words said everything.

"I love you too." He held her for a long moment, and silently thought about doing what he had seen others do, force her into the arms of a crewman who would literally throw her into a lifeboat. But he couldn't do that to her. He loved her too much, and they had lived together for too long. He respected what she wanted to do, even though in this case it could cost her her life. But it meant a lot to him that she was willing to die with him. They had always shared that kind of love, mixed with tenderness and pa.s.sion.

"If you stay, I want to stay too." She said the words clearly as he held her close to him, willing her to go, yet not willing to force her into doing what she didn't want to. "If you die, I want to stay with you."

"You can't do that, Kate. I won't let you. Think of the children." She already had, and she had made up her mind. She loved them with all her heart, but she loved him too and she belonged with him. He was her husband. And Edwina was old enough to take care of the children, if Kate died. And besides, deep down, she still thought they were all being melodramatic over all this. In the end, they'd all sit in the lifeboats, and they'd be back on the t.i.tanic by lunchtime. She tried to say as much to Bert, but this time he shook his head. "I don't think so. I think this is much worse than we've been told." And it was, much more so than either of them knew. At 1:40 A.M., the crew on the bridge had just fired the last rocket, and now the last lifeboats were being filled, as in the stateroom, far below, unbeknownst to them, Alexis continued to play with her doll, Mrs. Thomas.

"I think you have a responsibility to the children," Bert went on. "You must leave the s.h.i.+p." It was his last fervent try. But she refused to hear him.

She squeezed his hands tight in her own and looked into his eyes. "Bert Winfield, I will not leave you. Do you understand me?" Nearby, Mrs. Straus had just made the same choice, but she was older than Kate, and had no small children. But Mrs. Allison did, and she had decided to stay on with her husband and her little girl, and go down with both of them, if the s.h.i.+p went down, as people now understood it was going to.

"What about Phillip?" Bert decided to stop arguing with her for the moment, but he was still hoping to change her mind.

"Can't you do what you said, and bribe them to take Phillip on?" Kate asked.

They were boarding the last boat on the Boat Deck and there was still one more after that, number four, hanging off the gla.s.s part.i.tions of the Promenade Deck, just below. But as Lightoller worked above on the Boat Deck, other crewmen were working to open the windows on the Promenade so that more women could be loaded into the lifeboat through the previously locked windows that, earlier, had gotten in their way. This was going to be the last regular lifeboat to leave the t.i.tanic.

Bert approached the officer cautiously, spoke to him as best he could as he continued to work furiously on the now seriously listing s.h.i.+p, and Kate saw Lightoller shake his head vehemently and glance over in Phillip's direction. Phillip was still standing with the Thayer boy, who was conversing quietly with his father.

"He says absolutely not, as long as there are women and children on the s.h.i.+p," Bert reported to her a moment later. There were some loading now from second cla.s.s, but all of the first-cla.s.s children were off, with the exception of little Lorraine Allison, standing next to her mother and holding the doll that looked so much like the one carried everywhere by Alexis. It made Kate smile briefly as she looked at her, and then away. It was as though every scene one saw was too tender, too intimate, too private, to be looked upon by strangers.

And now there was a serious consultation among Phillip, Charles, Bert, and Kate, as to how to get the two younger men off, and if possible, also Bert and Kate, in spite of Lightoller.

"I think we'll just have to wait a little while," Charles said calmly, a gentleman to the end. Through it all, he had never lost his good manners or his good spirits. "But I do think that you, Mrs. Winfield, should get in one of the boats now. There's no point lingering here with the men." He smiled warmly at her, and for some reason realized for the first time how much she really looked like Edwina. "We'll be fine. But you might as well get off comfortably now, rather than in the last scramble with us. You know how dreadful men are. And if I were you, I'd give a go at taking our young friend here." But how? The last boy his age who had attempted to get on, in women's dress, had been threatened at gunpoint, although they had finally decided to leave him in the lifeboat because there wasn't time to get him off. But feelings were running a little higher now, and Bert didn't want to tackle Lightoller again, he was clearly brooking no nonsense. None of them knew, of course, that things were slightly different on the starboard side. The s.h.i.+p was just too big for anyone to know that things were different on one side or the other. And as they discussed it, Kate still insisting to Bertram that she wouldn't leave him, Phillip wandered over to talk to Jack Thayer again. Charles sat down in a deck chair and lit a cigarette. He didn't want to intrude on Edwina's parents, even now, and they were clearly engaged in serious discussion, about whether or not Kate was going to get off. And Charles was filled with lonely thoughts of Edwina. He had no hope of getting off now.

Below decks, the cabins were all cleared, the crew had checked them all, and the water in the s.h.i.+p had risen to C Deck. And as she played with her doll in the parlor of the stateroom, Alexis could still hear the band playing pretty music. And every now and then, she would hear footsteps, as crew members dashed past or someone from second cla.s.s ran by, looking for the way to the first-cla.s.s Boat Deck. And Alexis was beginning to wonder when they would all come back. She was tired of playing alone, and she hadn't wanted to get in the lifeboat, but she was beginning to seriously miss her mommy and the others. But she knew that eventually, she'd be in for a scolding. They always scolded her when she ran away, especially Edwina.

She heard heavy footsteps then, and looked up, suddenly wondering if it was her father, or Charles, or even Phillip. But as she glanced up expectantly, a strange face appeared in the doorway. He looked shocked suddenly as he saw her. He was the last steward to leave the deck, and he had known long since that all of the B Deck cabins were empty. But he was checking them one last time before the water came up from C Deck and filled them. He was horrified to see the small child sitting there, playing with her dolly.

"Hey, there ..." He took a rapid step toward her, as Alexis flew into the next room and started to close the door, but the heavyset steward with the full red beard was quicker than she was. "Just a minute, young lady, what are you doing here?" He wondered how she had escaped, and why no one had come looking for her. It seemed strange to him, and he wanted to get her up to the lifeboats quickly. "Come on ..." She had no hat, and no coat. She had abandoned them in her cabin when she'd come back to the stateroom to play with the doll she called "Mrs. Thomas."

"But I don't want to go!" She started to cry, as the big burly man swept her up in his arms, grabbing a blanket off one of the beds, and wrapping her in it, with the doll she still clung to. "I want to wait here!... I want my mommy!"

"We'll find your mommy, little one. But there's no time to waste." He ran up the stairs with his small bundle in his arms, and as he was about to pa.s.s the level of the Promenade Deck, one of the crew members called out to him.

"The last one's almost gone. No more lifeboats on the Boat Deck. The last one's off the Promenade, and they were about to lower it a minute ago ... come on, man ... hurry!"

The heavyset steward ran out onto the Promenade Deck in time to watch Lightoller and another man standing on a windowsill struggling with the davits of number four lifeboat, hanging right outside the open windows. "Wait, man!" He shouted. "One more!" But Alexis was screaming and kicking and calling for her mother, who knew none of this, and thought Alexis long since safely stowed in another lifeboat. "Wait!" Lightoller was already lowering the boat as the crewman ran to the open window with Alexis. "I've got one more!" The second officer looked over his shoulder, and it was almost too late to stop now. He gestured with his head, as just below him the lifeboat hung in the balance, carrying with it the last women willing to leave the s.h.i.+p, and among them young Mrs. Astor, and Jack Thayer's mother. John Jacob Astor had asked Lightoller if he might go with them, as his wife was in a "delicate state," but Lightoller had remained adamant, and Madeleine Astor had boarded with her maid instead of her husband.

The steward glanced down at the lifeboat just below them, and there was no way to bring it back up, and he didn't want to keep Alexis on the s.h.i.+p, so he looked down at her for an instant, and planted a kiss on her forehead as he would on his own child's, and then threw her from the window into the boat, praying that someone would catch her, and if not, she wouldn't fall too badly or break too many bones. There had already been several sprained ankles and broken wrists as people were pushed or thrown into boats, but as Alexis fell, one of the sailors at the oars reached up and broke her fall, as she lay screaming in the blanket, and only one deck above her, her unsuspecting mother stood quietly talking to her husband.

The heavyset steward watched from above as Alexis was safely stowed next to a woman with a baby, and then Lightoller and the others carefully lowered the boat the fifteen-foot drop toward the black icy sea. Alexis sat staring in terror, holding on to her doll, wondering if she would ever see her mother again, and she began to scream again as she looked at the huge s.h.i.+p looming up beside them, as they hit the water. The sailors and the women began to row almost immediately, and feeling as though something terrible were about to happen, Alexis watched the enormous s.h.i.+p as they moved slowly away from it. At 1:55 A.M., they were the last real lifeboat to leave the t.i.tanic.

And at 2:00 A.M. Lightoller was still struggling with the four collapsible lifeboats, three of which could not be freed. But collapsible D was finally lowered. And there was no doubt now that this would be the last chance for anyone to leave the s.h.i.+p, if they even made it, which seemed doubtful. A circle of crew members was formed around collapsible D, which was to allow only women and children through. Two unidentified babies were put in, and a number of women and children. And at the last instant, Bert finally induced Lightoller to let Phillip into that lifeboat. He was only sixteen, after all, and then collapsible D was gone too, precariously descending to join the others, as Bert and Kate watched it. And after that, the rescue efforts were over. There was nowhere to go, no way to escape, those who had not made it to the lifeboats would go down with the s.h.i.+p now. And Bert still could not believe that Kate had refused to leave with Phillip. Bert had tried to push her into the boat before it was too late, but she had clung to him. And now he held her close in their final moments.

As the Strauses walked quietly arm in arm, Benjamin Guggenheim stood in full evening dress on the Boat Deck with his valet. And Bert and Kate kissed and held hands and stood talking quietly, about silly things, how they had met ... their wedding day ... and the births of their children.

"It's Alexis's birthday today," Kate said softly, as she looked up at Bert, remembering the day six years before, when Alexis had been born on a sunny Sunday morning in their house in San Francisco. Who would have thought then that this could ever happen? And it was a relief now just to know that their children would survive them, that they would be loved, and cherished, and well cared for by their oldest sister. It was a relief to Kate to know that now, but it made her heart ache to think of never seeing them again, and Bert fought back tears as he held her.

"I wish you had gone with them, Kate. They all need you so much." He was so sad that it had come to this, an end no one could have dreamed of. If only they had taken another s.h.i.+p home ... if only the t.i.tanic hadn't hit an iceberg ... if only ... if only ... it was endless.

"I couldn't bear to live without you, Bert." She held him tight, and then reached up to kiss him. They kissed for a long time, and he held her close, as people started to jump from the s.h.i.+p. They watched, and saw Charles leap off. The Boat Deck was only ten feet above the water, and some were reaching the lifeboats safely, but he also knew that Kate couldn't swim, and there was no point trying to jump overboard yet. They would do it when they had to, but not sooner. And they still hoped that perhaps, somehow, when the s.h.i.+p went down, they might reach the lifeboats around them, and survive it.

As they talked, efforts were being made to free two more of the collapsible lifeboats, but even once freed of the ropes that had secured it, it was impossible to get collapsible B off the deck, given the extreme angle at which the s.h.i.+p was now listing. And finally, Jack Thayer jumped overboard as Charles had only moments before, and miraculously reached collapsible D, where he once again met Phillip. They were forced to stand up in the boat, though, because it was taking in so much water.

But just above him his parents were holding each other tight, as the water rushed onto the s.h.i.+p. Kate gave a quick gasp, surprised by the brutal chill of the water. And Bert held her as they went down. He tried to keep her afloat for as long as he could, but the downdraft was too great, and as he held her, the last words she said to him, as the water rose up around them, were "I love you." She smiled then, and was gone. She slipped through his hands, and he was struck by the crow's nest moments later just as, very near them, Charles Fitzgerald was relentlessly pulled under.

The radio shack was under water by then, too, and the bridge was gone, as collapsible lifeboat A floated away like a raft on a summer beach, and hundreds dived into the water everywhere, as the huge bow plowed into the ocean. The ragtime sound of the band was long gone by then, and the last anyone had heard from them was what many thought to be the somber strains of the hymn "Autumn," drifting out toward the lifeboats, to the women and children there, and the men who had been fortunate enough to reach the lifeboats on the starboard side, far from Lightoller's sterner vigil on the port side. The hymn seemed to hang like ice in the frigid night air and it was a sound that would haunt all of them for the rest of their lives.