House Of Ivy And Sorrow Part 26

"Here." He gets up and grabs a clean mug from the cabinet, pouring some for me. "I know you're busy trying to save us all, but you need this at least."

Giving a half smile, I lean on the counter next to him. "Thanks, Dad."

His eyes go wide, and I hope my calling him that doesn't bother him. I have wanted to from day one, but it didn't feel like I could say it right off, even if I thought it. He smiles. "That's strange, but I think I like it."

"Good, because it'd be weird to call you my name."

He laughs. "True."

I sip at the coffee, savoring this moment with him. I hope my choice makes it possible to have many more mornings like this. That's what I have to focus on-I might be losing myself, but everyone else wins.

I head to the apothecary after I finish my drink, pull out the ink and parchment, and try to steady my hand as I write, Where are you?

Levi answers quickly. At the Main Street park, waiting for you.

He knew. He always knew it would come to this, that I wouldn't have time for anything else. As much as I don't want to, I send one final line: Okay.

FORTY-TWO.

The Main Street park isn't more than a block from my house, and I walk slowly, savoring my last moments as myself. The willow trees blow like angry spiders as I pa.s.s them. The storm is right overhead, its bruised clouds hungry to break through. Lightning cracks, and it's alarmingly loud, so loud it seems to cut right through me. The park is empty. Surely even normal people can feel how evil the weather is, a bad omen hanging overhead. It fights to get in, to come for me, but for now the barrier holds.

It's too soon when I spot Levi sitting on a park bench. He wears all black, like the death he is, and his hair flies wildly in the wind. I hate him and need him all at the same time. I want him to fix this. I want to be saved. Our eyes lock, and his are sadder than I expected. Maybe he doesn't want to do this either. But now I understand it was inevitable for both of us, determined long before we met.

Sitting next to him, I ask, "Will it hurt?"

His fingers tighten around his knees. "Not in the traditional sense. You felt it already. It's like that, but I would never take that much at once. At least not after we finish off my father. I'll need a lot for that."

I shudder at the thought of his kiss-it was as if I lost part of myself. Feeling like that all the time will suck, but it's better than Nana dying. Better than Levi's father taking me instead. "And it's permanent?"

"Unless I die, which I really prefer not to do."

I gulp. "I don't want to."

His hand is tentative as he places it over mine. "I know."

"Why does it have to be this way?" My tears run against my will.

"It's not fair," he says. "I wish there were another way. I really do."

"That's not true-this is exactly what you want."

"Could I be inside the barrier if that were true? Maybe I care about you and want to protect you." His dark eyes look right into me, and his wanting pours all over my skin, full of hunger and desperation. As he leans in closer, I wonder if I could be okay with this someday. He is beautiful, the kind of boy that girls drool over. And maybe when we're on the same side we would get along. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it than it is.

That doesn't stop me from pulling away, though, thoughts of Winn swirling in my head. "No. Just because we have to work together doesn't mean we have to kiss."

His breath is cool on my neck as he sighs, and it gives me goose b.u.mps. "Maybe I just want to kiss you."

"Well, I don't." I put my face in my hands, the full weight of this cras.h.i.+ng over me. I have to say yes. I have to look him in the eye and tell him I want to be Cursed. And then he will always be part of my life. Always. And what if he does lose control someday? What if he turns into his dad?

"That's a lie. You definitely wanted to kiss me before. . . ." His voices fizzles, and I look up to find him staring at something over my head.

It's Winn. And he's holding a bouquet of flowers.

My breath is gone. My lungs are gone. I know what this looks like, but I never wanted him to see it. He turns to go, and I stand before I can think. "Winn! Wait!"

No answer.

"Please!" I run, but he doesn't stop. I grab his arm when I catch up, but he pulls out of it. "Let me explain!"

He turns on me. "Explain what, Jo? That you were cheating on me? That you were lying to me about everything even when I asked for the truth?"

I shake my head. "That's not-"

He throws the flowers on the ground. "I'm such an idiot! I knew something was wrong, but you didn't seem like the type. And here I was worried about you. I went out of my way to get you flowers and wanted to make sure you were okay . . . forget it."

"I never cheated on you."

He scoffs. "Care to explain why you kissed him, then?"

"I had to!" I cry, hating to see him so hurt even if I'm not the only guilty one here. "It was the only way to save Gwen."

He raises an eyebrow, his gaze all judgment and no compa.s.sion. "What? That doesn't make any sense!"

"Doesn't it?" I can feel the glare on my face. "I'm not the only one lying here-you don't think I know you're keeping secrets from me, too? And yet I never asked, always hoped that you'd explain it to me."

He doesn't move, doesn't breathe, but I can see the fear in his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You do! And so do your parents-I know they were lying, too." I hate that I'm yelling at him, but pus.h.i.+ng him away is the only way to keep him safe. "We both have secrets. I guess the question is whether I'm more important than what you're hiding, and vice versa."

He purses his lips, and I think he might be holding back tears. "Even if I told you, I don't think you could ever forgive me."

His words. .h.i.t me right in the chest, and I can't breathe right. He really does know where he came from and what his family did to mine. He knows I'm a witch. He knows about magic. All this time . . . he knew. "See? We're both liars."

"How I felt about you-how I still feel-was never a lie." Winn's eyes, stormier than ever, meet mine. "But I was selfish to want you, and stupid to hope that you wouldn't figure it out."

I hug myself, wis.h.i.+ng I didn't feel exactly the same way. "Just go. Levi and I have a job to do, and you better not interfere."

"Fine." His face hardens, and I know this is the end of us. I don't want it to be over. I want to erase all my memories and stay in blissful ignorance. So I can be with Winn, laughing and kissing and falling in love. As I watch him leave, black rain begins to fall, coating the earth in darkness.

FORTY-THREE.

The cement is cold and wet against my face, but I don't care. I lie there in a ball, holding Winn's flowers, now marred with oily droplets. I'm pretty sure normal people can't see the black, but that's all I can see. Endless darkness. Death. Evil. It's all around me, and it will never leave. It's driven away and killed everything I love.

I hate magic. I hate being a witch.

Levi's shadow hangs over me, though he doesn't say anything. His shoes sc.r.a.pe against the path as he kneels down next to me. When he puts his hand on my shoulder, its warmth proves how cold I am.

I don't have the strength to push him away.

"Don't be sad. I swear I'll protect you, because that's what my mom begged me to do."

I turn to him. "What?"

He won't look back, as if the shame of his words is too much to bear. "You're going to get sick, lying here in the rain." His arms come around me, and he picks me up off the ground. He carries me to an old, s.h.a.ggy willow tree where the rain can't break through. As he sits at its roots, he doesn't bother to put me down. "Better?"

I'm so tired. Of fighting. Of this life. I lean my head on his shoulder. "Finish your story."

He gulps. "This is my fault. I waited years to earn magic, years to see what my mother had left in her history, and you and your mom were in it more than I was. She knew my dad was sucking her dry so he could break the protective barriers she put around Carmina. She knew Carmina would only leave your dad if she was pregnant. She wanted more than anything to protect you both, but by then she was too weak to break free from my grandmother's house.

"The last pages of her history are all letters to me, telling me to protect you, the innocent, from him. She said we owed you because of Carmina's unwavering friends.h.i.+p. And . . ."

He leans his head on the tree, squeezing his eyes shut so tightly they wrinkle like raisins. "I didn't listen. I was so mad at her, that she sacrificed her life for you and then asked me to do the same. She should have been there for me-she was my mother-so I ignored everything she said and tried to live my life."

I bite my lip, the weight of his pain familiar. "What changed?"

He sighs, and it's heavy with guilt. "When he Cursed your grandmother. He was so pleased with himself, laughing at the kitchen table about how it would break you into a million pieces. I couldn't help but think of my mom, wonder if he enjoyed putting me through that pain. It was then, finally, that I realized it wasn't your fault my mother wasn't there for me. It was his. It was always his.

"But by then it was already too late to protect you like I should have. I messed everything up." He puts his hand on my cheek, and I look into his eyes, filled with regret. "I'm sorry this is all I can offer you now. I've made too many mistakes to count, but I swear I will make it up to you for the rest of our lives."

My voice catches, so many what-ifs running through my brain I don't know what to say. What if he had come earlier? Warned us? Told us what we were up against? We could have prepared. We could have been ready to fight. What if I had met him years ago, not as an enemy but as a friend? What if . . . I had fallen in love with him?

"Tell me about your steward," I say.

He looks surprised. "What?"

"You have a steward, right? A girl you take magic from?"

"Yes." He looks away. "Of course I do."

"I was just wondering . . . I mean, Stacia and Jeff had you, and you had to kiss me to take my magic. Is she your girlfriend?" The idea makes me squirm. He shouldn't be holding me like this if she is, and I really, really don't like the idea of sharing. I'm not a good sharer.

"She's ten years older than me," he says. "Her name is Abigail. Some of the Blacks encourage a relations.h.i.+p, the ones who like these power games. But the more prudent part of the family overruled the Consumed ones and deemed me *too dangerous to reproduce,' thanks to my father."

"I see." My heart pounds at the thought that even the Blacks consider Levi dangerous.

"Abby is nice, I guess." He shrugs, and his cheeks go slightly pink. "She's kind of like a big sister, and she's proud of how I turned out, all things considered. I don't see her often these days."

I nod. Everything seems surreal all of a sudden. Levi isn't so bad-he was just dealt a c.r.a.ppy lot in life. He really is trying to make the best of his situation, and I can respect that.

"I know this will totally kill the moment." He takes my hand, his hold gentle and yet strong. "But we don't have a lot of time."

I jump. "Oh, right."

"So?" His eyes plead with me, full of hope and longing. "Will you help me stop him? Will give me your magic?"

Fear washes over me anew. My magic curls up inside, as if to say it's perfectly happy where it is. Deep down I don't want to give it away again. I don't want to feel empty and ashamed and powerless. But what choice do I have? I'm out of options and out of time. Levi wouldn't do it if there were another way. He's only trying to make amends for his past, too. We both have a stake in this, and who am I to refuse him his part? Maybe I'm being selfish, wanting to keep it to myself.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Just say it. Say it, and everything will be fixed.

But my mouth won't work! Why can't I say it?

Someone clears their throat behind me. I tumble out of Levi's lap as I attempt to see who it is. My brain feels like it's melting under Kat's and Gwen's furious glares. Gwen puts her hands on her hips, and I shrink a little more. "This is pretty much the stupidest thing you've ever done, Jo."

FORTY-FOUR.

"We're taking you home. Right. Now," Kat says in a flawless imitation of Nana.

"d.a.m.n right we are." Gwen grabs my arm, pulling me up with surprising strength. "What the h.e.l.l are you thinking? You grandmother is dying, and you're out here with him?"

I resist her hold, but she won't release me. "I can't go. This . . . this is the only way to stop him. I won't let her die, so let go of me."

Kat eyes Levi. "What do you mean, this is the only way?"

I can't say it out loud. They'll be beyond angry I didn't tell them, and I don't need any more people mad at me right now. All I'm trying to do is make things better. I don't care about anything else.

Levi stands. "She can't get rid of my dad on her own, and neither can I. We need each other to do it, so get out of the way."

Their eyes go wide. Then Kat shakes her head, her little frame filling up with a confidence I've never seen before. "No. You are not doing that to her again! There has to be another way."

"There isn't!" I cry. "Would I be doing this if there were?"

"Then you're not thinking hard enough!" Gwen turns me to face her, her deep blue eyes fierce. "Take a second and really think, Jo. Past today or tomorrow. Past the pain and fear. Can't you see this is a trap?"