The Funny Side of Physic Part 95

"'O, no doubt you are right, and all the doctors have been wrong. Why, just sit quiet a moment, and I will show you a whole bottle full that the doctor has from time to time taken from the stomachs of patients.' So saying, I went into the laboratory, and got down a bottle of centipedes, lizards, and a big, black, southern horn-bug, which the doctor's brother had collected in the South, and, dusting off the bottle, took it to the old lady, who sat comfortably in a rocking-chair, taking snuff, and nervously humming a little pennyroyal tune.

"'There, madam--there is a host of various kinds of reptiles, which the doctor has compelled to abandon the living stomach.'

"'Du tell,' she exclaimed, readjusting her gla.s.ses, 'if them all come out of folks' stomachs! Let me take the bottle.'

"'I suppose they really did, marm.'

"'And the big black one; who did that come out of?' she asked, turning the bottle around to get a view of the ugly monster--horns two inches long!

"'O, let me see. That came out of a colored man--awful appet.i.te, madam.'

"'Du tell! Well, I'm much obleeged to you for showing them to me. Now I'll go right home, and pitch into them doctors. I knowed they're all wrong.'

And so saying, the old lady arose, buzzed round and round like a bee in a bottle, got her reticule, and started for the door.

"'O, I forgot,' she exclaimed, coming back. 'Give me some of the medicine to get this animal out of my system, doctor.'

"I gave her a quant.i.ty of gentian, told her to use no snuff for two months, and she would have no further trouble with the animal; that she must not expect to see him, as they seldom came away whole, like those in the bottle. She promised, with a sigh, and a sorry look at the snuff-box, and went away. I have no doubt _but I did the best thing possible for her case_."

STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.

As ludicrous as the above may seem, it is true; but we cannot vouch for the truth of the following story:--

_The Boy with a Bullet in him._--A lad swallowed a small bullet. His friends were very much alarmed about it; and his father thinking no pains should be spared to save his darling boy's life, sent post haste to a surgeon of skill, directing the messenger to tell the circ.u.mstances and urge his coming without delay. The doctor was found, heard the dismal tale, and with as much unconcern as he would manifest in a case of common headache, wrote the following laconic reply:--

SIR: Don't alarm yourself. If after three weeks the bullet is not removed, give the boy a charge of powder.

Yours, &c., ----

P. S. _Do not aim the boy at anybody._--M. D.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "IT ISN'T CATCHIN'."]

_Case of Small-pox._--A lady school teacher in Omaha, having an inordinate dread of the small-pox, sent home a little girl because she said her mother was sick and had marks on her face. The next day the girl presented herself at the school-house, with her finger in her mouth, and her little bonnet swinging by the strings, and said to the teacher,--

"Miss ----, we've got a baby at our house; but mother told me to tell you that 'it isn't catchin'.'"

"_Not much to look at._"--The late eminent Dr. Wallaston was introduced, at an evening party, to a rather pert young lady.

"O, doctor," she said, "I am delighted to meet you; I have so long wished to see you."

"Well," said the man of science, "and pray what do you think of me now you have seen me?"

"You may be very clever," was the answer, "_but you are nothing to look at_."

[Ill.u.s.tration: FUNERAL OF THE CANARY.]

_Funeral Anthems._--Reading in a western paper that at funerals out in Terre Haute they closed the solemn ceremony by singing very impressively "_The Ham-fat Man_," reminds me of the following, which actually occurred at Portsmouth, N. H., last year:--

Three little girls, who had carefully and tenderly buried a pet canary-bird in the garden, were seen holding a consultation, which terminated by sending one of the trio into the house, with the inquiry, "Do they sing at funerals?" Being answered in the affirmative, the little messenger ran back, and in a few moments the three were observed standing, hand in hand, around the little mound gravely singing,--

"_Shoo, fly! don't bodder me._"

[Ill.u.s.tration]

x.x.x.

THE OTHER SIDE.

It's a very good rule in all things of life, When judging a friend or brother, Not to look at the question alone on one side, But always to turn to the other.

We are apt to be selfish in all our views, In the jostling, headlong race, And so, to be right, ere you censure a man, Just "put yourself in his place."--ANON.

PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.--STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.--ANECDOTE OF RUFUS CHOATE.--INGRATES.--A NIGHT ROW.--"SAVING AT THE SPIGOT AND WASTING AT THE BUNG."--SHOPPING PATIENTS.--AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.--RUM AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.--THE PHYSICIAN'S WIDOW AND ORPHANS, THE SUMMONS, THE TENEMENT, THE INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE UNNATURAL FATHER, HOW THEY DIED, THE END.--A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.--SELLING OUT.

While I trust that respectable, educated physicians will take no offence at the _expose_ in the foregoing chapters, as nothing therein is _intended_ to lessen them in public opinion, or detract from the merit of the TRUE PHYSICIAN of any school, I cannot leave the subject without presenting some facts to show that the people are not blameless in creating and maintaining so many humbugs and impositions, to the damage and scandal of respectable pract.i.tioners and legitimate medicine.

STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.

I need not tell men of any profession, that there are those, even in the respectable walks of life, who will watch their opportunity to b.u.t.ton-hole the lawyer or the doctor, in the public streets, to "just ask him a question," rather than call at his office, where a fee would certainly be a just compensation for the expected advice.

One of these highway robbers once overtook Mr. Choate, the great Boston lawyer, on a public street, and asked him if he should sue Mr. Jones, so and so, briefly stating his case, if he, the lawyer, thought he, Smith, would win the suit.

"O, yes," replied the great lawyer; and Smith went on his way rejoicing.

The case went to trial, Smith _vs._ Jones. Smith employed a cheap pettifogger. Jones employed Mr. Choate to defend him, and gained the suit.

"Didn't you tell me I had a good case?" demanded the irascible plaintiff of Mr. Choate, when he found that the case had gone against him.

"Well, I think you did say something to me about it," replied Mr. Choate, very indifferently.

"Yes, and didn't you advise me to sue him?" cried the infuriated Smith.

"Let me see, Mr. Smith: how much did you pay me for that advice?"

"Nothing, sir! nothing!" roared Smith.