The Funny Side of Physic Part 82

Near a stand upon a public street of this city, sandwiched by the thick flying dust on the one hand, and the warning, "Dust thou art," on the other, my attention was attracted to a little ragged urchin, who stood holding under his left arm a few dirty copies of a daily paper, while the right hand wandered furtively about in his trousers pocket, and his eyes looked longingly upon the tempting confectionery spread upon the dusty board and boxes before him. Indecision dwelt upon his pale, thin countenance, and drawing nearer, I awaited this conflict of mind and matter with a feeling of no little curiosity.

Finally, he seemed to have decided upon a purchase of some variegated candy, and making a desperate dive with the hand deeper into the pocket, he drew forth some pennies, which were quickly exchanged for the coveted painted poison,--none the more poisonous for having been sold upon a street stand, however.

His sharp, bluish-pale face lighted up with an unnatural glow of delight as he seized the tempting prize; and as he turned away, I said, kindly,--

"Have you been selling papers, sonny?"

"Yes, sir; buy one?" he replied, with an eye yet to business.

"Yes; and have you any more pennies?"

"No, sir." And he dropped his head in confusion.

"How much have you made to-day?" I next inquired.

"Seventeen cents, sir."

"And expended it all for candy, I suppose."

Receiving an affirmative reply, I next kindly questioned him respecting his family. His mother was a widow, very poor, and I asked him,--

"What will she say when you return with no money to show for your day's work?"

The tears started from his blue eyes, and I knew that I had made a "point." After some further conversation, I persuaded him to show me where he lived. Up the usual "three flight, back," in a low attic room, I beheld a picture of abject misery. The mother was sick, and lay uncomfortably upon an old sofa, which, with two rickety chairs and a large box, which served the double purpose of table and cupboard, were the only furniture of the apartment. She was totally dependent upon her little son's earnings for a sustenance. She had nothing in the house to eat; no money with which to obtain anything. Her boy's earnings had fallen off unaccountably, and for two days they had not tasted food. When she learned that he had brought in no money (for it was now near nightfall), she fell to weeping and upbraiding "the lazy, idle wretch for not bringing home something to eat." The boy began to cry bitterly, and acknowledged his error in spending his earnings for confectionery. I then exacted a solemn promise from him that he never would buy another penny's worth of the poison, gave him some change to purchase a bountiful meal, and left with a determination to ventilate street candy stands.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE NEWSBOY'S MOTHER.]

XXV.

ALL ABOUT TOBACCO.

"The doctors admit snuff's a hurtful thing, And troubles the brain and sight, But it helps their trade; so they do not say Quite as much as they otherwise might."--L. H. S.

"HOW MUCH?"--AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.--"SIAMESE TWINS."--A MIGHTY ARMY.--ITS NAME AND NATIVITY.--A DONKEY RIDE.--LITTLE BREECHES.--WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM SMOKE.--TOM'S LETTER.--"PURE SOCIETY."--HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS "TOOK IN."--DELICIOUS MORSELS.--THE STREET NUISANCE.--A SQUIRTER.--ANOTHER.--IT BEGETS LAZINESS.--NATIONAL RUIN.--BLACK EYES.--DISEASE AND INSANITY.--USES OF THE WEED.--GETS RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.--TOBACCO WORSE THAN RUM.--THE OLD FARMER'S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.--"WHAT KILLED HIM."

HOW MUCH?

Do you know how much money is being squandered to-day, in the United States, in the filthy, health-destroying use of tobacco?

No.

Only $410,958! That's all.

In Commissioner Wells's report, it is shown that in the fiscal year ending June 30, 1868, the amount received from the tax on chewing and smoking tobacco was, in round numbers, fifteen million dollars. Add to this the cost of production, and dealers' profits, which are five times more than the revenue tax, amounting to seventy-five million dollars. The number of cigars taxed was six hundred millions. It is calculated as many more are used through smuggling, making a grand total yearly expenditure in the United States of one hundred and fifty millions of dollars for tobacco alone!

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS.]

Give me $410,958 a day, and I will go into the pauper houses of these United States, and bring forth every pauper child; I will go down into the dark, damp cellars, and away into the cobweb-hung attics, and bring forth every ragged child of crime and poverty. I will take all these little bread-and-gospel-starved children, feed, clothe, and send them to school and Sabbath school, the year round, with $410,958 a day.

Christian ministers and professors, think of it! Young men and boys, think of it!

Yes, the Americans smoke, snuff, and chew one hundred and fifty million dollars in tobacco annually. The Chinamen consume $38,294,200 worth of opium in a year. The Russians stuff and glut over an unmerciful amount of lard and candles in a year; and the Frenchmen disgust the rest of mankind by eating all the frogs they can catch. Then there are the cannibals of the South Seas--they love tender babies to eat, but not an old tobacco-soaked sailor will they masticate.

Tobacco kills lice, bugs, fops, small boys, and other vermin.

Tobacco fees doctors, and fills hospitals.

Tobacco fills insane asylums and jails.

Tobacco fills pauper houses and graveyards.

Tobacco makes drunkards.

Tobacco and rum go hand and hand; they are one, inseparable; they are twins, yea, Siamese twins, the Chang and Eng of all villanies. I never saw a drunkard who did not first use tobacco. Did you?

John H. Hawkins, the father of Was.h.i.+ngtonians, said he never was able to find a drunkard who had not first used tobacco.

TOO LOW A FIGURE.

Since writing the above I have been variously informed that my figures are too low. The national revenue derived from tobacco in the States for the year ending June, 1871, was $31,350,707.

CIGARS.

"According to General Pleasonton, who collected the tax on them, there were 1,332,246,000 cigars used in the United States last year. This one billion three hundred and thirty-two million two hundred and forty-six thousand cigars were undoubtedly retailed at ten cents apiece. So we smoked up in this country, last year, $133,224,600 worth of tobacco."

This does not include pipe-smoking nor chewing tobacco.

The total amount of the vile weed produced in the world annually is as follows:--

Asia, 309,900,000 pounds.

Europe, 281,844,500 "

America, 248,280,500 "

Africa, 24,300,100 "

Australia, 714,000 "

----------- Making a total of, 865,039,100 "

THE MIGHTY ARMY OF INVASION.

It is estimated that there are two hundred millions of tobacco-users in the world. What a splendid regiment of sneezers, spewers, smokers, and spitters they would make! They would form a phalanx of five deep, reaching entirely around the world.

Wouldn't they look gay? Forty millions, with filthy old tobacco pipes stuck in their mouths, "smoking away 'like devils!'" Eighty millions, with best Havana cigars, made in Connecticut and New York, from cabbage leaf, waste stumps of cigars, and "old soldiers," thrown away by Irish, Dutch, Italians, French, and Chinese, out of cancerous mouths, whiskey mouths, syphilitic and ulcerous mouths, rotten-toothed mouths--splendid!--protruding from between their sweet lips! Forty millions with pigtail and fine cut, sweet "honey dew," made as above, scented, grinding away in their forty million human mills! Forty millions, including five millions in petticoats, holding cartridge boxes (of snuff) in their delicate hands, from which they distribute death-dealing ammunition to--their lovely noses!