The Funny Side of Physic Part 80

[Ill.u.s.tration: MOTHER'S MILK PURE AND HEALTHY.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MOTHER'S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKEY.]

Brandy usually contains sulphuric acid. I obtained a "pure article"

yesterday, from an honest, Christian druggist. In an hour I found sulphuric acid in it. Acids are easily detected in liquors, by placing in it for an hour a bright steel spatula. The acids have an affinity to steel, and the spatula soon turns black, separating the acid from the liquid supposed to be brandy. If the brandy is sharp to the throat on swallowing it, be sure that it is not pure, but contains capsic.u.m, horseradish, or fusel oil. Good brandy will be smooth and oily to the throat. To detect lead in wine or brandy, suspend a piece of pure zinc in the gla.s.s, and if the lead is present, delicate fibrils of that metal will form on the zinc.

All malt liquors may be adulterated. Bitter herbs are used instead of hops. Copperas is used in lager beer; tobacco, nux vomica, and cocculus indicus in London porter--brown stout. To avoid them, _drink no beer_. It is of no earthly or heavenly use. A patient who would die without beer will certainly die with its use. _Spanish flies_ are said to be used in liquors sometimes.

The strychnine--of whiskey--directs its action to the superior portion of the spinal cord: hence paralysis, insanity, and sudden death of whiskey drinkers.

Drinkers often suffer from gravel, from the lime, or chalk, or other minerals contained in liquors. Alcohol itself will _not digest_, yet ignorant physicians prescribe alcoholic drinks for dyspeptics.

Vinegar is often made from sulphuric acid. Good vinegar will not burn on your lips. To detect acid-sulphuric, drop a little of solution of sugar of lead in your vinegar; the lead precipitates a whitish sediment.

A SHORT SERMON.

"There's nine men standin' at the dore, an they all sed they'd take sugar in there'n. Sich, friends and brethering, was the talk in a wurldli' cens, wonst common in this our ainshunt land, but the dais is gone by and the sans run dry, and no man can say to his nabur, Thou art the man, and will you take enny more shugar in your kaughey? But the words of our tex has a difrunt and more pertikelur meenin than this. Thar they stood at the dore on a cold winter's mornin, two Baptiss and two Methodies and five Lutharians, and the tother was a publikin, and they all with one vois sed they wouldn't dirty their feet in a dram shop, but if the publikin would go and get the drinks they'd pay for 'em. And they all cried out and sed, 'I'll take mine with shugar--for it won't feel good to drink the stuff without sweetenin'.' So the publikin he marched in, and the bar-keeper said, 'What want ye?' and he answered and sed, 'A drink.' 'How will ye have it?' 'Plain and strate,' says he, 'for it ain't no use in wastin'

shugar to circ.u.msalvate akafortis. But there's nine more standin' at the dore, and they all sed they'd take shugar in ther'n.' Friends and brethering, it ain't only the likker or the spirits that is drunk in this roundabout and underhanded way, but it's the likker of all sorts of human wickedness in like manner. There's the likker of mallis that menny of you drinks to the drugs; but you're sure to sweetin' it with the shugar of self-justification. Ther's the likker of avris that some keeps behind the curtain for constant use, but they always has it well mixt with the sweetin' uv prudens and ekonimy. Ther's the likker of self-luv that sum men drinks by the gallon, but they always puts in lots of the shugar of Take Keer of Number One.

"An' lastly, ther's the likker uv oxtorshun, which the man sweetins according to circ.u.mstances.... And ther's nine men at the dore, and they all sed they'd take shugar in ther'n. But, friends and brethering, thar's a time comin' and a place fixin' whar thar'll be no 'standin' at the door,' to call for 'shugar in ther'n.' But they'll have to go rite in and take the drink square up to the front, and the bar-keeper'll be old Satun, and n.o.body else; and he'll give 'em 'shugar in ther'n,' you'd better believe it; and it'll be shugar of lead, and red-hot at that, as shure as my name's CONSHUNCE DODGER."

ALCOHOL contains no life-supporting principle. It has no iron or salts for the blood, no lime for bone, phosphorus for brain, no nitrogen for vital tissue. Burton's "_Old Pale Ale_" is given to invalids, but (by Dr.

Ha.s.sal's a.n.a.lysis of one gallon), one must swallow 65,320 parts (grains) of water, 200 of vinegar, 2,510 of malt gum, etc., in order to get 100 of sugar, which is the only nouris.h.i.+ng quality therein.

FISH is a good and wholesome article of diet, and salt water fish are never poisonous, if fresh. I once knew of fresh water fish being poisonous. The following article appeared in the Daily Courant of Hartford in 1864.

THE FISH IN LITTLE RIVER ON A SPREE.

Something got into the fish in Little River yesterday morning, "and raised the mischief" with them. They came to the top of the water, hundreds of them, and acted as if they were in the last stages of a premature decline.

"Want of breath," such as boys say dogs die with, seemed to be the trouble. Never were the finny tribe so anxious to get out of water, and they poked their noses above the surface in the most beseeching way possible. The appeal was too strong to resist, and hundreds of men, women, and children, with sudden inventions for furnis.h.i.+ng relief, such as baskets, coal-sifters, bags, etc., fixed at the end of long poles, lined the banks of the stream, and such luck in fis.h.i.+ng has not been witnessed in this vicinity for years. What produced all this commotion among the inhabitants of the deep, is only conjectured. Some say a beer brewery, whose flavoring extracts (one of which is said to be c.o.c.kle), after being relieved of their choicest qualities, are sent through a sewer into the stream, was the fountain head from which the trouble flowed. But beer drinkers look upon the idea as preposterous; they say it casts an unwarranted reflection upon a most respectable article of beverage.

Perhaps so. Another claim is that somebody had thrown acid into the water; and another that decayed vegetable matter, occasioned by the long drought, has been liberally distributed in the river, from small streams which the late rains have swollen. We express no opinion about it, for, as the sensationist would say in speaking of something on a grander scale, "The whole matter is wrapped in the most profound mystery." It is a sure thing, however, that the fish had a high old time, and were considerably puzzled themselves to know what was up. Wouldn't advise anybody to invest in dressed suckers for a day or two, at least.

Since writing the above, Dr. Crabtre, coroner, informs us that he has secured several of the fish, and finds, by a.n.a.lyzing, that they were poisoned by sulphuric acid. The evidence of it is very strong in the fish that died before being taken from the water. Acid is used at Sharp's factory, and is thrown in considerable quant.i.ties into the river. It will not be very healthy business to eat fish which have been thus "tampered with," and, as we are informed that many were dressed yesterday and sent into market, we caution the public against buying "small fry," unless they know where they were caught.

WATER.

Foul wells, from an acc.u.mulation of carbonic acid gas, may be purified by a horse-shoe. But the horse-shoe, or other iron, or a brick, must be red hot. The vapor thus immediately absorbs the poison gas.

"Drink no water from streams or rivers on which, above, there are manufactories, etc.," says a medical writer. But if such water is filtered through charcoal, it will be tolerably pure. Even stagnant water may be purified by pulverized charcoal. Dead rats, cats, and dogs are sometimes found in wells. The taste of the water soon reveals such offensive presence. Clean out the well, and sift in some charcoal and dry earth, and the water will be all right again.

CHARCOAL will purify, but it will also defile, as the following will show:--

"A small boy, not yet in his teens, had charge of a donkey laden with coals, on a recent day in spring; and in a Midland Lane, far away from any human habitation, the wicked a.s.s threw off his load--a load too heavy for the youngster to replace. He sat down in despair, looking alternately at the sack and the cuddy--the latter (unfeeling brute!) calmly cropping the roadside gra.s.s. At last a horseman hove in sight, and gradually drew nearer and nearer.

[Ill.u.s.tration: WAITING FOR a.s.sISTANCE.]

"'Halloa, thee big fellow!' cried the lad to the six-feet Archdeacon of ----, 'I wish thee'dst get off thy 'oss, and give us a lift with this here bag of coals.'

"The venerable rider had delivered many a charge in his life, but never received such a one as this himself--so brief and so brusque. He was taken aback at first, and drew himself up; but his good nature overcame his offended dignity, and dismounting, he played the part, not of the Levite, but of the Samaritan. The big priest and the small boy tugged and tumbled the sack, and hugged and lifted it, till the coals were fairly _in statu quo_--the archdeacon retiring from his task with blackened hands and soiled neck-tie.

"'Well,' exclaimed the small boy as his venerable friend remounted his horse, 'for such a big chap as thee art, thee's the awkwardest at a bag o'

coals I ever seed in all my born days! Come op, Neddy!'"

HOGISH.

Pork is one of the vilest articles ever introduced into the dietetic world. It is a food for the generation and development of scrofula. The word _scrofa_ (Latin), from which _scrofula_ is derived, means a breeding sow. Pork is the Jew's abomination. I have never seen but one Jew with the scrofula. The Irish wors.h.i.+p a pig. They die by the wholesale of scrofula and consumption. Tubercles are often found in pork, sometimes in beef. We had the gratification of adding to the health of Hartford for two summers by abating the swine nuisance. Previous to our war on them, the hogs _rooted and wallowed in the streets_!

ADULTERATIONS OF SUGAR AND CONFECTIONERY.

It is pleasantly supposed that sugar is the basis of all candies; and originally this was doubtless true.

It would be better for the rising generation if the original prescription was still carried out, and nothing of a more injurious nature than sugar was added to it, in the innumerable varieties of confectionery which are daily sold in our shops, or in richly decorated stores, "gotten up regardless of expense," over elegant marble counters, and from tempting cut and stained gla.s.s jars, or from little stands upon the street corners, to our children, old and young.

Sugar, pure and in moderate quant.i.ties, is a very harmless confection.

Professor Morchand and others affirm that a solution of pure sugar has no injurious effect upon the teeth, the popular notion to the contrary notwithstanding. Neither is pure or refined sugar, taken in moderate quant.i.ties, injurious to the blood, or the stomach, _unless the stomach be very weak_. In order to cure my children of an inordinate appet.i.te for sugar, I have repeatedly obtained a pound of pure white lump, and set it before each, respectively, allowing it to eat as much as it chose.

Failing, in one case out of three, to surfeit the child with one pound, I purchased six pounds in a box, and taking off the cover, I placed the whole temptingly before her. This cloyed her, and now she does not take sugar in her tea.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CONFECTIONERY STORE.]

I have never known serious results accruing from children eating large quant.i.ties of purified sugar; yet I would not advise it to be given them in excess, excepting for the above purpose, viz., "to cure them of an inordinate appet.i.te for sugar."

Now try to break the child of an excessive appet.i.te for candy by giving it large quant.i.ties at once, and nine times out of ten you will have a sick or dead child in the house for your rash experiment.

Hence your candies, "nine times out of ten," will be found to contain injurious or poisonous substances.

REFINED SUGAR.

Sugar is an aliment and condiment. It is also, medically, an alterative and a demulcent. Finely pulverized loaf sugar and gum arabic, in equal proportions, form an excellent and soothing compound for inflamed throats, catarrh, and nasal irritations, to be taken dry, by mouth and nostrils, and often repeated.

Pure loaf sugar is white, brittle, inodorous, permanent in the air, and of a specific gravity of 1.6. It is chemically expressed thus: C24, H22, O22.

It is nutritious to a certain extent, but alone will not support life for an unlimited length of time. This is owing to the entire absence of nitrogen in its composition. By a.n.a.lysis, sugar is resolved into carbon, oxygen, and hydrogen.

Pulverized sugar is often adulterated with starch, flour, magnesia, and sometimes silex and terra alba. Loaf sugar, however, is usually found to be pure.

BROWN OR UNREFINED SUGAR.