The Funny Side of Physic Part 67

[Ill.u.s.tration: HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION.]

"A humersome doctor," as Mrs. Partington would say, gives the following

CURE FOR THE BLUES.

Tinc. Peruvii barki bitters, 1 oz.

Sugari albi, vel sweetningus, considerabilibus.

Spiritus frumenti, vel old repeus, ad lib.

Waterus pumpus, non multum.

Nutmegus, sprinklibus.

A SURE CURE.

A physician of our acquaintance was called to a lady patient after she had enjoyed a season of unusual domestic quarrels, who was not over long in "turning herself wrong-side out"--as some females will insist upon doing, for the edification of the medical man--telling, not only all about her pains and aches, but her "trials with that man," her husband--her brutal usage, her scanty wardrobe, her mortification on seeing Mrs. Outsprout appear in a new blue silk, and a "love of a bonnet," and (after entertaining the doctor with wine and good things) finally wind up in hysterical sobs--for which he prescribed, as follows:--

[R]. One new silk dress--first quality.

One hat and feather.

One diamond--solitaire--aq. prim.

Apply to patient. And 1 coach and span, to Central Park, P. M.

The husband enjoyed the joke; the wife enjoyed the clothes, the diamond pin, and the ride; and the doctor heard no more of their quarrels.

HEROIC DOSES.

Just prior to the year 1800, two brothers, named Taylor, emerged from obscurity in Yorks.h.i.+re, and set up for doctors. They were farriers, and from shoeing they advanced to doctoring and bleeding horses, thence to drugging and butchering those of their fellow-creatures who naturally preferred brute doctors to respectable physicians. Their system of practice was a wholesale one.

[Ill.u.s.tration: DOSE--ONE QUART EVERY HOUR.]

"Soft chirurgions make foul sores," said Boleyn, the grandfather of the beautiful and unfortunate Anne Boleyn. The Taylors struck no soft blows, "but opened the warfare against disease by bombardment of shot and sh.e.l.l in all directions. They bled their patients by the gallon, and drugged them, as they did the cattle, by the stone. Their druggists, Ewbank & Wallis, of York, supplied them with a ton of Glauber's salts at a time.

Scales and weights in their dispensary were regarded as bugbears of ign.o.ble minds. Everything was mixed by the scoop or handful. If they ordered broth for a delicate patient, they directed the nurse to boil a large leg of mutton in a copper of water, down to a strong decoction, and administer a quart at stated intervals," _nolens volens?_

The little Abbe de Voisenon, the celebrated wit and dramatic writer (1708-1775), was once sick at the chateau near Melum, and his physician ordered him to drink a quart of ptisan (a decoction of barley and other ingredients) every hour.

"What was the effect of the ptisan?" asked the doctor, on his next visit.

"None," replied the Abbe.

"Have you swallowed it all?"

"No; I could not take but half of it at once."

"No more than half! My order was the whole," exclaimed the doctor.

"Ah! now, friend," said the Abbe, "how could you expect me to swallow a quart at a time, when I hold only a pint?"

DROWNING A FEVER.

As the next anecdote has had to do service for more than one physician, it is immaterial which doctor it was. He was an irascible old fellow, at least, and not at all careful in leaving orders.

"Your husband is very sick, woman," said the doctor to the wife of an Irish laborer. "His fever is high, and skin as dry as a fish, or a parish contribution box. You must give him plenty of cold water, all he will drink, and to-night I'll see him again. There, don't come snivelling around me. My heart is steeled against that sort of thing. But, as you want something to cry for, just hear me. Your husband isn't going to die!

There, now, I know you are disappointed, but you brought it on to yourself." Going away--"Mind, lots of water--"

"Wather, sir! Hoo much wather, docther dear? He shall have it, but, yer honor didn't tell me hoo much wather I must give him."

"Zounds, woman, haven't I told you to give him all he will take? Hoo much?

Give him a couple of buckets full, if he will swallow them. Do you hear now? Two buckets full."

"The Lord bless yer honor," cried the woman; and the doctor made his escape.

At evening the doctor stopped, on his return, to ask after the patient.

"How is he, woman?" asked the doctor.

"O, he's been tuck away, save yer honor," cried the widow. "The wather did him no good, only we couldn't get down the right quant.i.ty. We did our best, doctor dear, and got down him better nor a pailful and a half, when he slipped away from us. Ah, if we could oonly ha' got him to swaller the other half pailful, he might not have died, yer honor."

AN EXACT SCIENCE.

It is sometimes painfully amusing to observe, not only the difference of opinion expressed by medical men from one generation to another, but by those of the same period, and same school.

In the "London Lancet" of July, 1864, there appeared a curious table. A medical pract.i.tioner, who had long suffered from hay fever, had from time to time consulted various other medical men by letter, and he gives us in a tabular survey the opinions they gave him of the causes of this disease, and the remedies, as follows:--

"Herewith," writes Dr. Jones, "I forward a synopsis of the opinions of a few of the most eminent men, in various countries, that I have consulted.

I have subst.i.tuted a letter for the name, as I do not think it prudent to place before the general reader the names of those who have so disagreed."

Consulted. Opinion of Cause. Recommended.

Dr. A. A predisposition to phthisis. Quinine and sea voyage.

Dr. B. Disease of pneumogastric nerve. a.r.s.en., bell., and cinchona.

Dr. C. Disease of the caruncula. Apply bell. and zinc.

Dr. D. Inflammation of Schneiderian To paint with nitrate of membrane. silver.

Dr. E. Strumous diathesis. Quinine, cod liver oil, and wine.

Dr. F. Dyspepsia. Kreosote, henbane, quinine.

Dr. G. Vapor of chlorophyll. Remain in a room from 11 A. M. to 6 P. M.

Dr. H. Light debility, hay pollen. Do., port wine, snuff, salt, and opium, and wear blue gla.s.ses.

Dr. L. From large doses of iodine.

(Never took any iodine.) Try quinine and opium.

Dr. M. Disease of iris. Avoid the sun's rays from 11 A. M. to 6 P. M.

Dr. N. Want of red corpuscles. Try iron, port wine, and soups.

Dr. O. Disease of optic nerve. Phosph. ac. and quinine.

Dr. P. Asthma from hay pollen. Chlorodyne and quinine.

Dr. Q. Phrenitis. Small doses of opium.

Dr. R. Nervous debility, from heat. Turkish baths.

This needs no comment.