The Funny Side of Physic Part 58

In this connection Mr. Jeaffreson, whose narratives have the virtue of being true as well as interesting, says, "I could point to a fair matron who now enjoys rank and wealth among the highest, who not only aimed tender glances, and sighed amorously upon a young, waxen-faced, blue-eyed apothecary, but even went so far as to write him a letter proposing an elopement, and other merry arrangements, in which a 'carriage and four,'

to speed them over the country, bore a conspicuous part."

The "silly maiden" had, like Dinah, a "fortune in silver and gold," of about two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and her tall, blue-eyed Adonis, to whom she made this _almost_ resistless proposal, was twice her age. But he was a gentleman of honor, and, being in the confidence of the family, he generously, without divulging the mad proposition of the fair young lady, induced the father to take her to the continent, for a twelvemonth's change of air and scenery.

"What a cold-blooded wretch!" will some fair reader exclaim.

"What a fool he was, to be sure!" says the bachelor fortune-seeker.

Well, she didn't die for her first unrequited love, but married a "very great man," and became the mother of several children. And this is the way the fair heroine of this little story avenged herself upon this "Joseph amongst doctors."

Very recently she manifested her good will to the man who had offered her what is generally regarded as the greatest insult a woman can experience, by procuring a commission in the army for his eldest son.

It is interesting to note the various qualities which have attracted the attention, or love, of different sons of aesculapius to female beauties.

Sometimes it has been her hair, the "pride of a woman," that was the point of attraction, as it was with Dr. Mead, "whose highest delight was to comb the luxuriant tresses of the lady on whom he lavished his affections;" or the "eyes of heavenly blue," like the lady love's of Dr. Elliot, senior; or the tiny footprint in the sand, like that which first attracted Dr.

Robert Ames to the woman of his choice. What the point of attraction was in the man is not easily ascertained.

A gay and dangerous beau among the "high ladies" was Dr. Hugh Smithson, the father of James Smithson (his illegitimate son), the founder of the "Smithsonian Inst.i.tution" at Was.h.i.+ngton. Sir Hugh's forte lay in his remarkably handsome person, said to be only second to Sir Astley Cooper in beauty of form and features. However, he had the address which secured to him one of the handsomest and proudest heiresses of England, and this is how he accomplished it.

He was but the grandson of a Yorks.h.i.+re baronet, "with no prospects," and was apprenticed to an apothecary, and for a long time paid court to mortar and pestle at Hutton Garden. The story runs, that the handsome doctor had been mittened by a "belle of private rank and modest wealth," and that the only child and heiress of Seymour, Duke of Somerset, and an acquaintance of Sir Hugh's, heard of his rejection, when she publicly observed that "the beauty who had disdained such a man was guilty of a folly that no other woman in England would have been."

Sir Hugh would have been unwise not to have taken this broad hint, and he did what none of the heiress's suitors, even of high rank, had yet aspired to,--proposed, and was accepted. Sixteen years later he was created Duke of Northumberland, and could well afford to laugh in his sleeve at the proposition that "his coronet should be surrounded with _senna_ leaves, instead of strawberry," since he had reached a rank that no other M. D.

had previously done, and possessed the "_loveliest woman in England_," and a great fortune, to boot.

Lord Glenbervie, who from the druggist's counter reached the peerage, was taunted by Sheridan with his plebeian origin, from which a patrician wife had redeemed him, in the following amusing verse:--

"Glenbervie, Glenbervie!

What's good for the scurvy?

But why is the doctor forgot?

In his arms he should quarter A pestle and mortar, For his crest an immense gallipot."

Sir John Elliot was another handsome doctor of that period, who, notwithstanding his being disliked by King George, could, with small effort and large impudence, "capture the hearts of half the prettiest women amongst the king's subjects, and then shrug his shoulders with chagrin at his success." "One lady, the daughter of a n.o.bleman, ignorant that he was otherwise occupied, made him an offer, and on learning, to her surprise and mortification, that he was already married, vowed she would not rest till she had a.s.sa.s.sinated his wife."

Dr. Arbuthnot, whose courtly address, sparkling wit, ready flow of language, innate cordiality, and polished manners made him a great favorite about London, was one of the finest looking gentlemen of his time. The doctor was contemporary with Dean Swift, with whom he used to enjoy flirtations with the queen's maids of honor about St. James.

"Arm in arm with the dean, he used to peer about St. James, jesting, laughing, causing matronly dowagers to smile at 'that dear Mr. Dean,' and young girls, out for their first season at court, green and unsophisticated, to blush with annoyance at his coa.r.s.e, shameless badinage,--bowing to this great man, from whom he hoped for countenance; staring insolently at that one, from whom he expected nothing; quoting Martial to the prelate, who could not understand Latin; whispering French to a youthful diplomatist, who knew no tongue but English; and continually angling for the bishopric, which he never got."

From flattering court beauties, Arbuthnot became flatterer to the gouty, hypochondriacal old queen. But wine and women made sad havoc with poor Arbuthnot, who died in very straitened circ.u.mstances.

Dr. Mead, before mentioned, was twice married. He was fifty-one years old when married the second time, to a baronet's daughter. Fortunate beyond fortunate men, he had the great _mis_-fortune of outliving his usefulness.

His sight failed, and his powers underwent that gradual decay which is the saddest of all possible conclusions to a vigorous and dignified existence.

Even his valets domineered over him. Long before this his second childhood, he excited the ridicule of the town by his vanity and absurd pretensions as a "lady-killer."

"The extravagances of his amorous senility were not only whispered about, but some contemptible fellow seized upon the unpleasant rumors, and published them in a scandalous novelette, wherein the doctor was represented as a 'Cornuter of seventy-five,' when, to please the damsel who 'warmed his aged heart,'--she was a blacksmith's daughter,--the doctor, long past threescore and ten, went to Paris, and learned to dance."

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN AGED PUPIL.]

Dr. Richard Mead died aged eighty-one. The sale of his library, pictures, and statues brought the heirs eighty thousand dollars. His other effects amounted to one hundred and seventy-five thousand dollars.

Another Dr. Mead, uncle to the above, lived to the age of one hundred and forty-nine years. Both of these physicians were remarkable for their kindness and liberality. The latter left five pounds a year to the poor, to continue forever.

BEAUTY NOT POTENT WITH LADIES.

A handsome person is not alone requisite to win the affections of a sensible lady. Radcliffe, who was as great a humbug in affairs matrimonial as in all other matters, was represented as being "handsome and imposing in person;" but his overbearing manner, and his coa.r.s.e flings at the softer s.e.x, made him anything but a favorite with the ladies. While he professed to be a misogynist, he made several unsuccessful attempts, particularly late in life, to commit himself to matrimony.

A lady, with "a singing noise in her head," asked what she should do for it. "Curl your hair at night with a ballad," was the coa.r.s.e reply.

Once, when sitting over a bottle of wine at a public house, Queen Anne sent her servant for Dr. Radcliffe to hasten to her Royal Highness, who was taken suddenly ill with what was vulgarly called "the blue devils," to which gormandizers are subject, but more properly termed indigestion.

"When the wine is in, the wits are out," was readily demonstrated in this case; for, on a second messenger arriving from the queen for her physician to make all haste, Radcliffe banged his fist down on the board, at which other physicians also sat, and exclaimed,--

"Go tell her Royal Highness that she has nothing but the vapors."

When, on the following morning, the process being reversed,--the "wine was out, and wits were in"--the doctor presented himself, with pomp and a show of dignity, at St. James', judge of his mortification, when the chamberlain stopped him in the anteroom, and informed him that he was already succeeded by Dr. Gibbons.

The queen never forgave him for saying she had the "vapors." Radcliffe never forgave Dr. Gibbons for superseding him. "Nurse Gibbons," he would bitterly exclaim, "is only fit to look after nervous women, who only fancy sickness."

When the doctor was forty-three years of age, he made love to a lady of half his years, and followed with an offer of marriage, which was accepted. As the fact became public, the doctor was warmly congratulated upon his good fortune, for the lady was not only young, but was a beauty, and an heiress to seventy-five thousand dollars.

The wedding day was set, which was to crown Radcliffe's happiness, when a little drawback arose, which was not previously mentioned in the bills.

The peculiar condition of the beauty's health rendered it expedient that, instead of the doctor, she should marry her father's book-keeper.

The doctor's acetous temper towards the fair s.e.x was not lessened by this mishap, nor were the ladies backward in giving him an occasional reminder of the fact. Nevertheless, unlike the burnt child, that avoided the fire, Radcliffe, sixteen years afterwards, made a second conspicuous throw of the dice. He was then about sixty. He came out with a new and elegant equipage, employed the most fas.h.i.+onable tailors, hatters, and wig-makers, "who arrayed him in the newest modes of foppery, which threw all London into fits of laughter, while he paid his addresses, with the greatest possible publicity, to a lady who possessed every requisite charm,--youth, beauty, and wealth,--except a tenderness for her aged suitor.

"Behold, love has taken the place of avarice [the affair was thus aired in a public print]; "or, rather, is become avarice of another kind, which still urges him to pursue what he does not want. But behold the metamorphosis! The anxious, mean cares of a usurer are turned into the languishments and complaints of a lover. 'Behold,' says the aged aesculapian, 'I submit; I own, great Love, thy empire. Pity, Hebe, the fop you have made. What have I to do with gilding but on pills? Yet, O Fate, for thee I sit amidst a crowd of painted deities on my chariot, b.u.t.toned in gold, clasped in gold, without having any value for that beloved metal, but as it adorns the hat, person, and laces of the dying lover. I ask not to live, O Hebe! Give me gentle death. Euthanasia, Euthanasia!

That is all I implore.'

"O Wealth, how impotent art thou, and how little dost thou supply us with real happiness, when the usurer himself cannot forget thee for the love of what is foreign to his felicity, as thou art!"

Although Radcliffe denied his own sisters during his life, "lest they should show their affection for him by dipping their hands in his pockets," some stories of his benevolence are told, one of which is, that finding one Dr. James Drake, when "each had done the utmost to injure the other," broken down and in distressed circ.u.mstances, he sent by a lady fifty guineas to his unfortunate enemy, saying,--

"Let him by no means learn who sent it. He is a gentleman who has often done his best to hurt me, and would by no means accept a benefit from one whom he had striven to make an enemy."

A STABLE-BOY, POET, AND DOCTOR.

Poor George Crabbe, the poet-doctor-apothecary, had a very hard time in this cold, unappreciative world, until Love smiled upon his unhappy lot.

He was born in the old sea-side town of Aldoborough, where his father was salt inspector,--not an over-lucrative office in those days. George was the eldest of a numerous family.

From the common school he went to apprentices.h.i.+p with a rough old country doctor, who lodged him with the stable-boy. From this indignity he was, however, soon released, and went to live with a kind gentleman, a surgeon of Woodbridge. Here he began to write poetry. Here, also, he became acquainted with a young surgeon, named Leavett, who introduced Crabbe to a lovely young lady, with whom he fell desperately in love.

This inestimable young lady resided at Parham Lodge with her uncle, John Tovell, yeoman, and her name was Sarah Elmy. Mr. Tovell possessed an estate worth four thousand dollars per annum, and, without a.s.suming any "airs," was a first-cla.s.s "yeoman" of that period--"one that already began to be styled, by courtesy, an esquire."

"On Crabbe's first introduction to Parham Lodge, he was received with cordiality; but when it became known that he had fallen in love with the squire's niece, it was only natural that his presumption should at first meet with the disapproval of Mrs. Tovell and the squire."

[Ill.u.s.tration: BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE.]

After closing his term of apprentices.h.i.+p with Dr. Page, young Crabbe returned to his native village, where he furnished a little shop with "a pound's worth of drugs," and an array of empty bottles, and set himself up as an apothecary. His few patients were only amongst the poorer cla.s.s of the town. Although he had plighted troth with the lovely Sarah at Parham Lodge, with starvation staring him in the face at Aldoborough, and the opposition of the lady's family at the Lodge, there was little prospect of bettering his condition in life. The temporary military appointments which he received brought him no nearer his desired object. The lady remained true to her vows; and long after his friend Leavett had quitted the sh.o.r.es of time, and his new and true friend Burke had extended to the promising author his patronage, she received the reward for her faithful waiting.

The union of Crabbe with Miss Elmy conferred eventually upon the poet, doctor, and apothecary, the possession of the estate of "yeoman"