The Funny Side of Physic Part 52

"I trembled in my shoes.

"'Well, sir,' continued the first, 'what would you do if during an action a man was brought to you with both arms and legs shot off? Now, sir, speak out; don't keep the board waiting. What would you do?'

"'By Jove, sir,' I answered, 'I would pitch him overboard, and go on to some one else to whom I could be of more service.'

"By thunder! every one present burst out laughing, and they pa.s.sed me directly--pa.s.sed me directly."

DELICATE FEES.

There are certain delicate cases, usually terminating in "good news," in which it has long been an established custom for the physician to receive a double fee. "A father just presented with an heir, or a lucky fellow just made one, is expected to bleed freely for the benefit of the faculty." Even the Irish, who, in about all other cases, calculate on "cheating the doctor to pay the priest," will usually lay by a little sum from their penury, or their bank h.o.a.rdings, as the case may be, "to pay the doctor for the babbie."

We insert the following poetry (!) for the fun of the thing; nevertheless, it is within the experience of more than one physician, who, after doing his duty, exhibiting his best professional ability, and saving the wife of some miserable, worthless fellow, who never deserved such a G.o.dsend for a companion, has cheated the doctor out of his fees from spite, when, if the poor woman had died, he would have liberally paid the physician. Let no man take this to himself.

"A woman who scolded one day so long Quite suddenly lost all use of her tongue!

The doctor arrived, who, with 'hem and haw,'

p.r.o.nounced the affection a true locked jaw.

"'What hopes, good doctor?' 'Very small, I see.'

The husband (quite sad) slips a double fee.

'No hopes, _dear_ doctor?' 'Ahem! none, I fear.'

Gives another fee for an issue clear.

"The madam deceased. 'Pray, sir, do not grieve.'

'My friends, one comfort I surely receive-- A fatal locked jaw was the only case From which my dear wife could have died--in peace.'"

"MAKE THE MOST OF HIM."

It has been said that physicians have been known to benevolently play a fee into a brother's hand when their own palm failed to be broad enough to hold them all. Perhaps the reader may derive amus.e.m.e.nt or instruction from the following, in which case the writer is well repaid for their insertion:--

"A wealthy tradesman, after drinking the waters of the Bath Springs a long time, under advice of his physician, took a fancy to try those of Bristol. Armed with an introductory letter from his Bath doctor to a professional brother at Bristol, the old gentleman set off on his journey.

On the way he said to himself,--

"'I wonder what Dr. ---- has advised the Bristol physician respecting my case;' and giving way to his curiosity, or anxiety, he opened the letter, and read,--

"'DEAR DOCTOR: The bearer is a fat Wilts.h.i.+re clothier; _make the most of him_. Yours, professionally, ----.'"

Clutterbuck, the historian, and a pleasant writer, tells the following of his uncle, who was a physician:--

"A nervous old lady, a patient of his, took it into her crotchety old head to try the Bath waters, and applied to her physician for permission.

"'The very thing I have been thinking to recommend,' he replied; 'and I know an excellent physician at the wells, to whom I will give you a letter of introduction.'"

With her letter and a companion, she started for the springs. _En route_ she took out the letter, and, after looking at the address some time, her curiosity overcame her, and she said to her friend, "So long as the doctor has treated me, he has never told me what my case is, and I have a mind to just look into this letter and see what he has told the Bath physician about it."

In vain her friend remonstrated against such a breach of trust. The old lady opened the epistle, and read the following instructive words:--

"DEAR SIR: Keep the old woman three weeks, and send her back."

[Ill.u.s.tration]

XVI.

GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS.

"Life's better joys spring up thus by the wayside, And the world calls them trifles. 'Tis not so.

Heaven is not prodigal, nor pours its joys In unregarded torrents upon man: They fall, as fall the riches of the clouds Upon the parched earth, gently, drop by drop.

Nothing is trifling which love consecrates."--AYLMERE.

"The art of our necessities is strange."--KING LEAR.

THE WORLD UNMASKED.--A ROUGH DIAMOND.--DECAYED GENTILITY.--"THREE FLIGHT, BACK."--SEVERAL ANECDOTES.--THE OLD FOX-HUNTER.--"STAND ON YOUR HEAD."--KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.--RARE CHARITY.--OLD AND HOMELESS.--THE "O'CLO'" JEW.--DR. HUNTER'S GENEROSITY.--"WHAT'S THE PRICE OF BEEF?"--A SAD OMISSION.--INNATE GENEROSITY.--A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC.--AN EYE-OPENER.--AN AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.--ROBBING THE DEAD.

Side by side, hand in hand, through the world, go generosity and meanness.

If these could but be personified, and the individuals compelled to stand before men in broad daylight, O, what a staring would there be! Those whom we thought the very embodiment of generosity and kindness would "crop out"

in their true hideousness of character--unmasked meanness and selfishness; yes, men too high in the estimation of the world, in church and in state.

On the other hand, we should be equally astonished to find amongst those in the humbler walks of life, as well as some in the more exalted, people, whom the world counted as mean and penurious, now standing forth adorned in robes bleached like the snow-drift, s.h.i.+ning bright as the golden sunrise, yet blus.h.i.+ng to find that their hidden charities, and secret, self-denying generosities, had been suddenly brought to light.

And when the secret works of this world shall be revealed, no cla.s.s of men will stand forth more blessed in deeds of generosity and self-sacrifice than the physicians. There is an occasional black sheep in the great flock.

A ROUGH DIAMOND.

There is no better authority for the truth of the many queer stories told about the rough benevolence of Dr. Abernethy, the great English surgeon, than the author of his memoirs--Sir George Macilwain.

[Ill.u.s.tration: PHYSICIANS' CHARITY.]

"His manner [Dr. Abernethy's], as we shall admit, was occasionally rough, and sometimes rather prematurely truthful. One day he was called in consultation by a physician to give an opinion in a case of a pulsating tumor, which was pretty plainly an aneurism. On proceeding to examine the tumor, he found a plaster covering it.

"'What is this you have on it?' asked Abernethy.

"'O, that is only a plaster.'

"'Pooh!' exclaimed the doctor, pulling it off and flinging it aside.

"'The "pooh" was all well enough,' said the attending physician, afterwards, 'but it took several guineas out of my pocket.'"

"UP THREE PAIR, BACK."

A surgeon--pupil of the above--was requested to visit a patient in a low quarter of the suburbs of the metropolis. When he arrived, and mounted several flights of crazy stairs, he began searching for the designated number, which was so defaced by time that he was only enabled to determine it by the more legible condition of the next number.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SEARCH FOR A PATIENT.]