The Funny Side of Physic Part 48

"I am the doctor," I replied, calmly awaiting my fate.

He instantly stepped inside the room, when close behind him was revealed the form of a very short man, who held a Kossuth hat in one hand, while with a handkerchief in the other, he stanched the blood that had evidently been flowing pretty freely from his head.

"This man has cut himself very bad on the head; big iron wheel come down on him: can you fix him up?" asked the first. This accounted for his excited manner. But how about the bedaubed face and the huge knife?

[Ill.u.s.tration: A MORNING CALLER.]

I examined the wound, only through the scalp, less than three inches in length; and was.h.i.+ng away the surplus clotted blood, I clipped off the hair, and soon secured the edges of the gaping wound by taking a st.i.tch or two through the scalp.

While so doing, the young man rolled his eyes up to his tall companion,--who had explained that they were cooks at Young's Hotel, and that the spit wheel and shaft used for turning meat had fallen eight feet; by which the a.s.sistant had barely escaped being killed,--and with a commendable show of thought for his employer's interest, rather than his own comfort or safety, he anxiously exclaimed,--

"Jim, do you think that gentleman's 'order,' what I had in the spit, is overdone yet?"

AN IRISH SCENE.

A young Irish girl, with a wild shriek, an "Och, hone!" and "Ah, murther!"

and "Hulla-boo--a--hulla-boo, poor Terry! Ah, why did I taze ye?" burst into my office one evening, upsetting the servant, and actually laying hold on me with her hands, as she exclaimed,--

"Ah, docther, docther, come now, for the love o' the moother that bore ye; come this blessed minute. I've killed poor Terry, an' niver shall see him again. Ah, murther, murther! Why did I taze ye?"

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WHY DID I TAZE YE?"]

Trying in vain to calm her, I hastily drew on my boots, and almost ran after her to a wretched tenement, some quarter of a mile off, and found the object of the girl's solicitude alive and kicking, with his lungs in the best of order, standing on the stairs that led to his miserable chamber, with a broken scissors in his hand, stirring busily the contents of a tea-cup.

It seems that he had been courting my fair guide, and after the period she had fixed for her final answer to his declaration, she had bantered him with a refusal, which her solicitude for his life plainly showed was far enough from her real intentions.

In his despair he had swallowed an ounce of laudanum, which he had procured from some injudicious druggist, which act had sent Biddy off after me in such terror. He was now mixing a powder which he had obtained from another druggist, who, knowing of his love affair, it will be seen acted with more wisdom than the first, as Terry let slip enough in his hearing to show what he wanted to do with the "ratsbane" for which he inquired; and Biddy, like a true daughter of Eve, had made no secret in the neighborhood that she valued her charms beyond the poor fellow's bid.

As soon as she approached, he, by some inopportune remark, re-excited her wrath, and she again declared she wouldn't have him, "if he wint to the divil."

Poor Terry, in his red s.h.i.+rt and blue stockings, and an att.i.tude of the grandest kind, but covering, as we soon found, a desperate purpose, flourished his tea-cup, and stirred its contents with the scissors, constantly exclaiming,--

"Ah, Biddy, will ye have me? Ye'll have me now--will ye not?"

Still Biddy refused.

"Divil a bit will I let the docther come near me till ye say yis! Sure, weren't we children together in the ould counthry? and didn't we take our potaties and b.u.t.thermilk out o' the same bowl? And yer mother, that's now dead, always said ye were to be me wife; and now ye're kapin' coompany with that dirty blackguard, Jim O'Connor,--divil take him for a spalpeen.

Ah, Biddy, will ye have me?"

And he flourished the cup, and stirred away vigorously with the scissors.

Biddy's blood was up at the disrespectful mention made of Jimmy's name, for "he had a winnin' way wid him," and she shouted at the top of her voice,--

"No, be the St. Patrick, I'll niver have ye."

With an awful gulp, Terry drained the cup, rolled up his eyes, and with one most impa.s.sioned yet ludicrous look at her, he fell upon his knees on the step.

Biddy followed, in strong hysterics.

The whole affair was so irresistibly ludicrous that I scarce could keep from laughing; but on observing the bottle, labelled "laudanum," and looking into the bottom of the tea-cup, and discovering a white powder, I changed my prognosis, and hastened to the druggist's near, to see what it was, and procure an antidote, should it really prove "ratsbane."

To my great relief, the man of drugs informed me, laughingly, that he had given Terry a quant.i.ty of chalk and _eight grains of tartar emetic_, as he learned that Terry was already in possession of the ounce of laudanum, and all the neighbors knew that Biddy had driven him to desperation by flirting with his rival, Jim O'Connor. The young man had judiciously told Terry that the powder would make the laudanum sure to operate more effectually.

"How long will it take?" he asked, and bagged all for use when the refusal should come.

My course was now clear. I was in for sport. Sending the druggist's clerk for my stomach-pump, to be in readiness in case the emetic should not operate,--which was scarcely impossible, for eight grains of tartar emetic, taken at a dose, would almost vomit the potatoes out of a bag,--I waited the result.

As for Biddy, I let her lie; for I thought she deserved her punishment. My heart was always tender towards the s.e.x, and I generally expected a "fellow-feeling."

[Ill.u.s.tration: SUCCESS OF TERRY'S COURTs.h.i.+P.]

In a short time it became evident that Terry's stomach was not so tough as his will, and he began to intermingle long and portentous sighs with his prayers, and to perspire freely. I gave him a wide berth, in antic.i.p.ation of the Jonah that was to come up shortly. I was anxious now that Biddy should revive in time to witness his grand effort. Terry was tough, and held out. Shortly she revived, and suddenly starting up, and recollecting the situation, she made one bound for Terry, crying,--

"Ah, Terry, Terry, dear Terry! I'll have ye now. Yis, I will; and I don't care who hears me. I always loved ye, but that divil's baby, Mag, always kept tellin' me ye'd love me the betther if I didn't give in to ye too soon. Ah, Terry, dear, only live, and I'll go to the ends of the world for ye. Ah, an' what would me poor mother say, if she was here? Och, hone!

Och, hone! Docther, now what are ye doin'? A purty docther ye are; an' ye pumped out yer own counthryman, that didn't die, sure, an' he tuk twice as much as poor Terry."

Meantime the boy had arrived with the pump.

"Up wid ye now, and use the black pipe ye put down the poor fellow's throat over the way last summer. I'd take it mesilf, if it would do; but G.o.d knows whether I'd be worth the throuble."

As Terry had not yet cast up his accounts, and the stomach-pump was at hand, I determined to make a little more capital out of the case, and thrusting the long, flexible India rubber tube down poor Terry's throat, having separated his teeth by means of a stick, and holding his head between my knees, I soon had the satisfaction of depositing the laudanum and tartar emetic in a swill pail, the only article of the toilet the place afforded.

After years proved Terry and Biddy most loving companions. He never, even when drunk, more than threatened her "wid a batin', which she was desarvin'," and she never forgave "that divil's baby, Mag," for her cruel experiment on her heroic and devoted Terry.--_Practice of a New York Surgeon._

A LIFE SCENE.

_The Situation._--I was young, but, with a wife and child dependent upon my practice for food, raiment, and shelter, I was striving manfully; with my household G.o.ds and goods I had located here, in a small village, a year before. My beginning was encouraging, my success in practice more than flattering. But an immense opposition had met and nearly overthrown me, in the form of a man, a deacon of the ---- church. He was one of those "rule or ruin" men whom you will find in every one-horse village. I did not at first know my man,--he did not know me,--or I should have avoided his ill will. I did not know his tenaciousness of t.i.tles--he was an esquire also--which was my first unpardonable offence. He swore--"as deacons do"--that I should not practise in that town. I swore, as doctors will, that "so long as I could obtain a potato and a clam a day I would remain while he was my opposer." Clams could be dug at low water, within a few rods of my house; potatoes I grew on the quarter acre of ground given me as partial inducement to settle in that town. His two drunken sons were his emissaries of evil, set on for my overthrow, in addition to the father's voice and known opposition, which few dared to meet. My practice dwindled. A few Nicodemuses came by night, but my darling wife trembled for my very life when I had a night call. My provision was often short, my poor horse was mere skin and bones, standing, day after day, gnawing his empty manger.

"O, is there a G.o.d in Israel?" I cried, in my anguish, more than once.

Yes, the reply came to my prayers; there is a G.o.d of recompense.

_The Betrayed._--My patient was a young girl, over whose golden head but seventeen summers had flown, on rosy wings. Her form was sylph-like, and face as beautiful as the opening flower in the golden suns.h.i.+ne of early day. She was an attendant at _his_ church, a member of _his_ Sabbath school cla.s.s, and a singer in the choir....

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BETRAYED.]

I was shown to her room. Sorrow, and not disease, had left its impress upon her fair young face. Rumor had already given me a hint on which to diagnose my case.

"Who has done this wicked thing?" I asked, holding her hand, and looking kindly into her eyes.

"O, my G.o.d! O, I must not tell," she cried, springing up from her couch. I never shall forget the terror depicted on that fair young countenance, as she p.r.o.nounced these words.

"You must tell. You should not suffer this shame and burden alone. Tell me truly. Who has done it? I must know. There may be a chance to cover the shame and make your babe legitimate. Come," I said.