The Funny Side of Physic Part 33

Rich and liberal! No doubt! The light was astounding which broke in upon the young lady's mind from my intimating that the old viper, the fortune-teller (clairvoyant she calls herself), had betrayed her, and doubtless had received ocular demonstration of the "nice old gentleman's"

liberality. Doubtless there was a five, ten, or twenty dollar sitting! and the "friend of her mother" could well afford to give her sittings free!

Reader, if you doubt that such villanies are daily practised in this city, such "betrayals of confidence," and "selling of families," put up "five or ten dollars for a sitting," almost anywhere, and you can have proof. None of your fifty cents or dollar affairs--those are for the females; but "come down" with the V.'s and X.'s; those bring the "great information."

Let us "parable" a case.

"A nice, middle-aged gentleman" calls on Madam Blank.

"Here, now, my good woman, take this fee. Tell me a good future. Let her have dark hair and eyes. If it is satisfactory, I double the fee."

"Call again next week, or in three or four days," is all the conversation necessary to pa.s.s for the first "sitting."

Before the expiration of the time, just such a young lady calls. The wily old fortune-teller--too old to sell herself any longer--sells out this, perhaps, unsuspecting lady with black hair and eyes, by mysteriously informing her of a certain nice gentleman whom she will meet at a designated place, at a specified hour, on a particular day! She is _very_ courteous to the girl, asks her nothing for a sitting, has taken a liking to her, worms from her the secrets of her birth, poverty, weaknesses, etc., and, with many smiles and fair promises, bows her out.

She next proceeds to inform the "nice gentleman" that the job is cooked, and the victim is unsuspecting, states where he is to meet her, the signal by which he is to know her; takes the "double fee," and leaves the rest to the "nice middle-aged (and shrewd) gentleman" to manage for himself.

How many young women in Boston can avouch for the truth of this statement?

I doubt not there are very many.

_Cui Bono?_ While I know and confess that there are a few ladies who _profess_ to tell fortunes, find lost property, etc., and who do no greater deception, still, what positive advantage has ever been derived therefrom?

LOVE POWDERS AND DROPS.--FRENCH SECRET, ETC.

I have, by purchase and otherwise, obtained the secret of the compounds of the celebrated "Spanish," _alias_ "Turkish, Love Powders." I had previously considered them very harmless preparations. They are quite the reverse. The powder and drops are _Spanish flies_ and _blood-root_!

Sometimes the former are mixed (pulverized) with fine sugar; but the Spanish flies (cantharides), either in powder or liquid, is a very dangerous irritant, a very small dose sometimes producing painful and dangerous strangury. It is far more certain to produce this distressing complaint than to cause any s.e.xual excitement. There may be some harmless powders sold as "love powders," but I have never seen any. I have a quant.i.ty of the former. Any physician or chemist may see it, who is interested. A few drops of it will produce burning and excoriation of the mouth and stomach, and inflammation of the stomach, liver, and kidneys.

And this dangerous stuff is sold by ignorant fortune-tellers to any equally ignorant, credulous creature who may send fifty cents therefor.

_The French Secret_ is only for fools. Reader, _you_ have no occasion for it. It would be of no positive earthly benefit, provided I could so construe language as to explain to you what it is, in this connection. Be a.s.sured that you cannot circ.u.mvent Nature, except at the expense of health. _Qui n'a sante n'a rien._

Druggists' clerks sometimes sell to boys _tincture cantharis_ for evil purposes.

_Hasheesh_ is another dangerous article, sometimes sold at random, and purchased for no good purpose. A few years since, a great excitement was produced by the young ladies of P---- Female Seminary obtaining and using a quant.i.ty of _hasheesh_. "One girl took five grains, another _ten_ grains. The latter was rendered insensible, and with difficulty restored to consciousness, while the former was rus.h.i.+ng around under the peculiar hallucinating effect of the drug, and in a manner bordering on indecency."

I obtained this statement, with more that I cannot publish, from a physician who witnessed the scene.

"DOES HE LOVE ME?"

Young girls and children are seduced into visiting fortune-tellers. A Boston fortune-teller, in 1871, took a summer tour through Eastern Ma.s.sachusetts and New Hamps.h.i.+re. At Manchester, one evening, some one knocked lightly at her reception-room door, when, on her answering the summons, there stood three little girls, of ten or twelve summers.

"Well," said the lady, "what do you children want?"

"We came to have our fortunes told," replied the youngest, drawing her little form up to represent every half inch of her diminutive dimensions.

With a smile of incredulity, the lady said, "It costs fifty cents.

Besides, you are too small to have a fortune told."

"We've got the money," replied the little speaker; "and we're not too little. Why, I am ten, and Jenny, here, is twelve."

[Ill.u.s.tration: CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER.]

"Well, come in," replied the fortune-teller. There was a lady present, who also asked what those children came there for.

The girls sat up in some chairs proffered. The younger one was so small that her little feet could not reach the floor, and sitting back in her chair, her little limbs stuck out straight, as such awkward little folks'

will.

The woman told them something, to seem to cover the money paid. It was not satisfactory, however, and the ten-year-old one put the following questions:--

"Do you think, ma'am, that the young man who is keeping company with me loves me?"

This was a poser, and the woman laughed outright.

"What did she reply?" I asked, shocked, though amused, by the ridiculousness of the whole affair.

"O, Gad, if I know! I was too busy then to listen."

The next question was more strange than the first:--

"Will the young gentleman marry me, eventually?"

"Doubtless he will when you become older," was the reply; "and I advise you to think no more about it till you are much older."

I obtained this item from the third party present, the husband of the fortune-teller.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

X.

EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS.

_Lord Say._ Why, Heaven ne'er made the universe a level.

Some trees are loftier than the rest, some mountains O'erpeak their fellows, and some planets s.h.i.+ne With brighter ray above the skyey route Than others. Nay, even at our feet, the rose Outscents the lily; and the humblest flower Is n.o.ble still o'er meaner plants. And thus Some men are n.o.bler than the ma.s.s, and should, By nature's order, s.h.i.+ne above their brethren.

_Lord Clifford._ 'Tis true the n.o.ble should; but who is n.o.ble?

Heaven, and not heraldry, makes n.o.ble men.

THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.--DOCTORS ARE PUBLIC PROPERTY.--DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.--DR. PARKER.--A "PLOUGH-BOY."--THE FARMER'S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.--SCENE IN BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.--"LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED aeSCULAPIAN."--FIRST PATIENT.--"NONPLUSSED!"--ALL RIGHT AT LAST.--PROFESSORS EBERLE AND DEWEES.--A HARD START.--"FOOTING IT."--ABERNETHY'S BOYHOOD.--"OLD SQUEERS."--SPARE THE BOY AND SPOIL THE ROD.--A DIGRESSION.--SKIRTING A BOG.--AN AGREEABLE TURN.--PROFESSOR HOLMES.--A HOMELESS STUDENT.

It is amusing, as well as instructive, to compare notes on the various circ.u.mstances which have led different young men to adopt the science of medicine as their profession.

The advantages of birth and "n.o.ble blood" weigh lightly, when thrown into the balance, against circ.u.mstances of after life, and its necessities, in ourselves or fellow-creatures. In searching through biographies of famous people, of all ages and countries (to collect a chapter on "Origin of Great Men"), I am peculiarly convinced of the correctness of this conclusion.

The earlier histories and traits of character--no matter which way they point--of all great men are interesting to review; and yet it is a lamentable fact that the accounts of boyhood days, aspirations, hopes, and struggles, with the many little interesting items and episodes of the youth of most great men are very meagre, and, in many cases, entirely lost to the world.

In the published biographies of physicians this is particularly the case.

You read the biography of one, and it will suffice for the whole. It begins something like this:--