The Funny Side of Physic Part 25

I paid the bill, and, quite disgusted, took my departure.

That evening I carried the medicines to a druggist, requesting him to inform me what they were. After examining them, he replied,--

"The liquid is simply sweet spirits of nitre, diluted," looking over his gla.s.ses at me suspiciously, I thought. "These, I should say, are blue pills, a mild preparation of mercury," returning me the pills. A second druggist, to whom I applied, told me the same, and, knowing they were not what I required for a scrofulous tumor, I threw them into the gutter.

_Ah!_

[Ill.u.s.tration]

VIII.

ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS.

"I find, d.i.c.k, that you are in the habit of taking my best jokes, and pa.s.sing them off as your own. Do you call that the conduct of a gentleman?"

"To be sure, Tom. Why, a true gentleman will always take a joke from a friend."

A WANT SUPPLIED.--ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.--A LIVE IRISHMAN.--MADAM ROTHSCHILD.--LARGE FEET.--A SHANGHAI ROOSTER.--SPREADING HERSELF.--KEROSENE.--"SALERATUS."--HIS LAST JOKE.--AN ASTONISHED DARKY.--OLD DR. K.'s MARE.--A SCARED CUSTOMER.--"WHAT'S TRUMPS?"--"LET GO THEM HALYARDS."--MEDICAL t.i.tBITS.--MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.--"I WANT TO BE AN ANGEL."--TOOTH-DRAWING.--DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.--STEALING TIME.--CHOLERA FENCED IN.--"A JOKE THAT'S NOT A JOKE."--A DRY SHOWER-BATH.--PARBOILING AN OLD LADY.

"There would be no difficulty in multiplying anecdotes attributed to Abernethy (or other celebrated physicians) _ad libitum_, but there are three objections to such a course. First, there are many told of him which never happened; others, which may possibly have occurred, you find it impossible to authenticate; and lastly, there is a cla.s.s which, if they happened to Dr. Abernethy, certainly happened to others before he was born. In fact, when a man once gets a reputation of doing or saying odd things, every story in which the chief person is unknown or unremembered, is given to the next man whose reputation for such is remarkable."--_Memoirs of Dr. Abernethy, by George Macilwain, F. R. C. S., etc., etc._

Notwithstanding the great number of authentic anecdotes of physicians which might be collected together, Mr. Campbell, the experienced antiquarian bookseller, of Boston, a.s.sures me there is no such book in print. I have been many years collecting such, and for this chapter I have selected therefrom those most chaste, amusing, instructive, and authentic.

The following original anecdote of the great English surgeon I obtained verbally from Mr. Sladden, of Chicago:--

"My grandmother once visited Dr. Abernethy, with her eldest son, my uncle, living in London, to consult the great physician respecting an inveterate humor of the scalp, with which the child was afflicted.

"There were a great many patients in waiting, and when it came my grandmother's turn, she walked up to the great man, and removing the boy's cap, presented the case for his inspection in silence. He took a quick glance at the humory head, turned to the old lady, and said,--

"'Madam, the best thing I can recommend for that disease is a plenty of warm water and soap. And, by the way, if that don't remove it, the next best thing is to apply freely soap and warm water. Five guineas, if you please, ma'am.'

"As my grandmother was the embodiment of neatness, she never forgave the doctor for this broad intimation of the questionableness of her neatness."

Dr. Stowe told the following story of Dr. Abernethy and a live Irishman:--

"It occurred at Bath. A crowd of pupils, myself one of them, were following Mr. Abernethy through the crowded wards of the hospital, when the apparition of a poor Irishman, with the scantiest s.h.i.+rt I ever saw, jumped from a bed, and literally throwing himself on his knees at the doctor's feet, presented itself. We were startled for a moment, but the poor fellow, with all his country's eloquence, poured out such a torrent of praise, prayers, and blessings, and ill.u.s.trated it with such ludicrous pantomimic displays of his leg, all splintered and bandaged, that we were not long left in doubt.

"'That's the leg, your hon-nor. Glory be to G.o.d. Yer honnor's the buy what saved it. May the heavens be yer bed. Long life to yer honnor. To the divil with the spalpeens that wanted to cut it off!' etc.

"With some difficulty the patient was replaced in bed, and the doctor said,--

"'I am glad your leg is doing well, but never kneel again, except to your Maker.'

"The doctor took the opportunity of giving us a clinical lecture about diseases and their const.i.tutional treatment. Every sentence Abernethy uttered, Pat confirmed.

[Ill.u.s.tration: DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL.]

"'Thrue for yer honnor; divil a lie at all, at all. His honnor's the grathe doctor, entirely,' etc.

"At the slightest allusion to his case, off went the bed-clothes, and up went the leg, as if taking aim at the ceiling. 'That's it, be gorra! and a betther leg than the villain's that wanted to slice it off, entirely.'

"The students actually roared with laughter, but Abernethy retained his usual gravity throughout the whole of the ludicrous scene."

Madam Rothschild, mother of the mighty capitalists, attained the great age of ninety-eight. Her wits, which were of no common order, were preserved to the end. During her last illness, when surrounded by her family and some friends, she turned to her physician, and said, in a suppliant tone,--

"My dear doctor, I pray you try to do something for me."

"Madam, what can I do? I cannot make you young again."

"No, doctor; nor do I want to be young again. But I want to continue to grow old."

LARGE FEET.

Dr. Wood was a man of large "understanding." One day at a presidential reception he was standing in a large crowd, when he felt two feet pressing on his patent leathers. Looking down, he discovered that the said feet belonged to a female. Wood was a bachelor, and at first the sensation was delightful. It made inexpressibly delicious thrills run all up and down his body. But as the _impression_ was all on the lady's side, the above sensations became gradually superseded by those not quite so delightful, and finally the pressure became very uncomfortable. Mustering courage, he said, very gently,--

"Madam, if you please, you are standing on my feet--"

"Your feet, sir, did you say?" For the crowd was so dense that she could not possibly see to the ground.

"Yes, madam, on my feet--this last half hour," very politely.

"O, I beg a thousand pardons, sir; I thought I was standing on a block.

_They are quite large, sir_," trying to remove.

"Yes, ma'am, quite large; but _yours covered 'em, madam_."

A SHANGHAI ROOSTER.

Many people suffer more from the antic.i.p.ation of trouble than by the actual infliction. The world is full of "trouble-borrowers." They generally keep a stock on hand to lend to those who unfortunately are compelled to listen to them. The following is a mitigated case:--

"Sir," said a physician visiting a patient in the suburbs of this city, to a neighbor, "your Shanghai greatly disturbs my patient."

"Is it possible?" asked the neighbor, expressing surprise.

"Yes, the bird is a terrible nuisance, giving the patient no peace, day or night, he informs me; but he did not want to complain."

"But," replied the sceptical owner, "I don't see how he can annoy neighbor B. Why, he only crows twice in the night, and only two or three times at regular intervals during the day."

"Yes; but you don't take into consideration all the times the patient is _expecting_ him to crow."

SPREADING HERSELF.