Tales Of The Trains Part 12

"''T is not, my dear,' said she, 'that things are not cheap; but that's the reason it's ruinous to live here. There's old Molly the cook uses more meat in a day than would feed a foreign family for a month. If you want a beefsteak, you must kill a heifer. Now abroad you just get the joint you want, to the very size you wish,--no bone, if you don't ask for it. And look at the waste. In the stables you keep eight horses, and you never have a pair for the carriage. The boys are mounted; but you and the girls have nothing to drive out with. Besides, what can you do with that overgrown garden? It costs you 50 a year, and you get nothing out of it but crab-apples and cabbages. No, no; the Continent is the place; and as for society, instead of old Darcy, of Ballinamuck, or Father Luke, for company, you 'll have Prince this, and Count that, foreign ministers and plenipotentiaries, archdukes, and attaches without end. There will be more stars round your dinner-table than ever you saw in the sky on a frosty night And the girls. I would n't wonder if the girls, by giving a sly hint that they had a little money, might n't marry some of the young Coburgs.'

"These were flattering visions, while for me the trap was baited with port, duty free, and strong Burgundy, at one and sixpence a bottle. My son Tom was taught to expect cigars at twopence a dozen; and my second daughter, Mary, was told that, with the least instruction, her Irish jig could be converted into a polka. In fact, it was clear we had only to go abroad to save two-thirds of our income, and become the most accomplished people into the bargain.

"From the hour this notion was mooted amongst us, Ireland became detestable. The very pleasures and pastimes we once liked, grew distasteful; even the society of our friends came a.s.sociated with ideas of vulgarity that deprived it of all enjoyment.

"'That miserable satin-turque,' exclaimed my wife, 'it is a mere rag, and it cost me five and ninepence a yard. Mrs. Fitz. says that a shop-girl would n't wear it in Paris.'

"'Infernal climate!' cries Tom; 'nothing but rain above and mud beneath.'

"'And, dear papa,' cries Sophy, 'old Flannigan has no more notion of French than I have of fortification. He calls the man that sells sausages the 'Marchand de combustibles.'

"If these were not reasons for going abroad, I know nothing of Ireland; and so we advertised 'Castle Blake' to be let, and the farming-stock to be sold. The latter wasn't difficult. My neighbors bought up everything at short bills, to be renewed whenever they became due. As for the house, it was n't so easy to find a tenant. So I put in the herd to take care of it, and gave him the garden for his pains. I turned in my cattle over the lawn, which, after eating the gra.s.s, took to nibbling the young trees and barking the older ones. This was not a very successful commencement of economy; but Mrs. Fitz. always said,--

"'What matter? you 'll save more than double the amount the first year you are abroad.'

"To carry out their economical views, it was determined that Brussels, and not Paris, should be our residence for the first year; and thither my wife and two sons and five daughters repaired, under the special guidance of Mrs. Fitz., who undertook the whole management of our affairs, both domestic and social. I was left behind to arrange certain money matters, and about the payment of interest on some mortgages, which I consoled myself by thinking that a few years of foreign economy would enable me to pay off in full.

"It was nearly six months after their departure from Ireland that I prepared to follow,--not in such good spirits, I confess, as I once hoped would be my companions on the journey. The cheapness of Continental life requires, it would appear, considerable outlay at the first, probably on the principle that a pastry-cook's apprentice is always surfeited with tarts during the first week, so that he never gets any taste for sweetmeats afterwards. This might account for my wife having drawn about twelve hundred pounds in that short time, and always accompanying every fresh demand for money with an eloquent panegyric on her own economy. To believe her, never was there a household so admirably managed. The housemaid could dress hair; the butler could drive the carriage; the writing-master taught music; the dancing-master gave my eldest daughter a lesson in French without any extra charge.

Everything that was expensive was the cheapest in the end. Genoa velvet lasted for ever; real Brussels lace never wore out; it was only the 'mock things' that were costly. It was frightful to think how many families were brought to ruin by cheap articles!

"'I suppose it's all right,' said I to myself; 'and so far as I am concerned I 'll not beggar my family by taking to cheap wines. If they have any Burgundy that goes so high as one and eightpence, I will drink two bottles every day.'

"Well, sir, at last came the time that I was to set out to join them; and I sailed from London in the Princess Victoria, with my pa.s.sport in one pocket, and a written code of directions in the other, for of French I knew not one syllable. It was not that my knowledge was imperfect or doubtful; but I was as ignorant of the language as though it was a dead one.

"'The place should be cheap,' thought I, 'for certainly it has no charms of scenery to recommend it,' as we slowly wended our way up the sluggish Scheldt, and looked with some astonishment at the land the Dutchmen thought worth fighting for. Arrived at Antwerp, I went through the ordeal of having my trunks ransacked, and my pa.s.sport examined by some warlike-looking characters, with swords on. They said many things to me; but I made no reply, seeing that we were little likely to benefit by each other's conversation; and at last, when all my formalities were accomplished, I followed a concourse of people who, I rightly supposed, were on their way to the railroad.

"It is a plaguy kind of thing enough, even for a taciturn man, not to speak the language of those about him; however, I made myself tolerably well understood at this station, by pulling out a handful of silver coin, and repeating the word Brussels, with every variety of accent I could think of. They guessed my intentions, and in acknowledgment of my inability to speak one word of French, pulled and shoved me along till I reached one of the carriages. At last a horn blew, another replied to it, a confused uproar of shouting succeeded, like what occurs on board a merchant s.h.i.+p when getting under weigh, and off jogged the train, at a very honest eight miles an hour; but with such a b.u.mping, shaking, s.h.i.+vering, and rickety motion, it was more like travelling over a Yankee corduroy road than anything else. I don't know what cla.s.s of carriage I was in, but the pa.s.sengers were all white-faced, smoky-looking fellows, with very soiled s.h.i.+rts and dirty hands; with them, of course, I had no manner of intercourse. I was just thinking whether I should n't take a nap, when the train came to a dead stop, and immediately after, the whole platform was covered with queer-looking fellows, in shovelled hats, and long petticoats like women. These gentry kept bowing and saluting each other in a very droll fas.h.i.+on, and absorbed my attention, when my arm was pulled by one of the guards of the line, while he said something to me in French. What he wanted, the devil himself may know; but the more I protested that I could n't speak, the louder he replied, and the more frantically he gesticulated, pointing while he did so to a train about to start, hard by.

"'Oh! that's it,' said I to myself, 'we change coaches here;' and so I immediately got out, and made the best of my way over to the other train. I had scarcely time to spare, for away it went at about the same lively pace as the last one. After travelling about an hour and a half more, I began to look out for Brussels, and, looking at my code of instructions, I suspected I could not be far off; nor was I much mistaken as to our being nigh a station, for the speed was diminished to a slow trot, and then a walk, after a mile of which we crept up to the outside of a large town. There was no nse in losing time in asking questions; so I seized my carpet-bag, and jumped out, and, resisting all the offers of the idle vagabonds to carry my luggage, I forced my way through the crowd, and set out in search of my family. I soon got into an intricate web of narrow streets, with shops full of wooden shoes, pipes, and blankets of all the colors of the rainbow; and after walking for about three-quarters of an hour, began to doubt whether I was not traversing the same identical streets,--or was it that they were only brothers? 'Where's the Boulevard?' thought I, 'this beautiful place they have been telling me of, with houses on one side, and trees on the other; I can see nothing like it;' and so I sat down on my carpet-bag, and began to ruminate on my situation.

"'Well, this will never do,' said I, at last; 'I must try and ask for the Boulevard de Regent.' I suppose it was my bad accent that amused them, for every fellow I stopped put on a broad grin: some pointed this way, and some pointed that; but they all thought it a high joke. I spent an hour in this fas.h.i.+on, and then gave up the pursuit. My next thought was the hotel where my family had stopped on their arrival, which I found, on examining my notes, was called the 'Hotel de Suede.' Here I was more lucky,--every one knew that; and after traversing a couple of streets, I found myself at the door of a great roomy inn, with a door like a coach-house gate. 'There is no doubt about this,' said I; for the words 'Hotel de Suede' were written up in big letters. I made signs for something to eat, for I was starving; but before my pantomime was well begun, the whole household set off in search of a waiter who could speak English.

"'Ha! ha!' said a fellow with an impudent leer, 'roa bif, eh?'

"I did not know whether it was meant for me, or the bill of fare, but I said 'Yes, and potatoes;' but before I let him go in search of the dinner, I thought I would ask him a few words about my family, who had stopped at the hotel for three weeks.

"'Do you know Mrs. Blake,' said I, 'of Castle Blake?'

"'Yees, yees, I know her very veil.'

"'She was here about six months ago.'

"'Yees, yees; she vas here s.e.x months.'

"'No; not for six months,--three weeks.'

"'Yees; all de same.'

"'Did you see her lately?'

"'Yees, dis mornin'.'

"'This morning! was she here this morning?'

"'Yees; she come here vith a captain of Cuira.s.siers--ah! droll fellow dat!'

"'That's a lie anyhow,' said I, 'my young gentleman;' and with that I planted my fist between his eyes, and laid him flat on the floor. Upon my conscience you would have thought it was murder I had done; never was there such yelling, and screaming, and calling for the police, and Heaven knows what besides; and sure enough, they marched me off between a file of soldiers to a place like a guard-room, where, whatever the fellow swore against me, it cost me a five-pound note before I got free.

"'Keep a civil tongue in your head, young man, about Mrs. Blake, anyway; for by the hill of Maam, if I hear a word about the Cuira.s.sier, I'll not leave a whole bone in your skin.'

"Well, sir, I got a roast chicken, and a dish of water-cress, and I got into a bed about four feet six long; and what between the fleas and the nightmare, I had n't a pleasant time of it till morning.

"After breakfast I opened my map of Brussels, and, sending for the landlord, bid him point with his finger to the place I was in. He soon understood my meaning; but, taking me by the arm, he led me to the wall, on which was a large map of Belgium, and then, my jewell what do you think I discovered? It was not in Brussels I was at all, but in Louvain!

seventeen miles on the other side of it! Well, there was nothing for it now but to go back; so I paid my bill and set off down to the station.

In half an hour the train came up, and when they asked me where I was going, I repeated the word 'Brussels' several times over. This did not seem to satisfy them; and they said something about my being an Englishman.

"'Yes, yes,' said I, 'Angleterre, Angleterre.'

"'Ah, Angleterre!' said one, who looked shrewder than the rest; and as if at once comprehending my intentions, he a.s.sisted me into a carriage, and, politely taking off his hat, made me a salute at parting, adding something about a 'voyage.' 'Well, he 'll be a cunning fellow that sees me leave this train till it comes to its destination,' said I; 'I'll not be shoved out by any confounded guard, as I was yesterday.' My resolution was not taken in vain, for just at the very place I got out, on the day before, a fellow came, and began making signs for me to change to another train.

"'I'll tell you what,' says I, laying hold of my cotton umbrella at the same moment, 'I 'll make a Belgian of you, if you will not let me alone.

Out of this place I 'll not budge for King Leopold himself.'

"And though he looked very savage for a few minutes, the way I handled my weapon satisfied him that I was not joking, and he gave it up for a bad job, and left me at peace. The other pa.s.sengers said something, I suppose, in explanation.

"'Yes,' said I, 'I 'm an Englishman, or an Irishman,--It's all one,--Angleterre.'

"'Ah, Angleterre!' said three or four in a breath; and the words seemed to act like a charm upon them, for whatever I did seemed all fair and reasonable now. I kept a sharp look-out for Brussels; but hour after hour slipped past, and though we pa.s.sed several large towns, there was no sign of it. After six hours' travelling, an old gentleman pulled out his watch, and made signs to me that we should be in in less than ten minutes more; and so we were, and a droll-looking place it was,--a town built in a hole, with clay ditches all round it, to keep out the sea.

"'My wife never said a word about this,' said I; 'she used to say Castle Blake was damp, but this place beats it hollow. Where's the Boulevards?'

said I.

"And a fellow pointed to a sod bank, where a sentry was on guard.

"'If it's a joke you 're making me,' said I, 'you mistake your man; 'and I aimed a blow at him with my umbrella, that sent him running down the street as fast as his wooden slippers would let him.

"'It ought to be cheap here, anyhow,' said I. 'Faith, I think a body ought to be paid for living in it; but how will I find out _the_ family!'

"I was two hours walking through this cursed hole, always coming back to a big square, with a fish-market, no matter which way I turned; for devil a one could tell me a word about Mrs. Blake or Mrs. Fitz. either.

"'Is there a hotel?' said I; and the moment I said the word, a dozen fellows were dragging me here and there, till I had to leave two or three of them sprawling with my umbrella, and give myself up to the guidance of one of the number. Well, the end of it was--if I pa.s.sed the last night at Louvain, the present I was destined to pa.s.s at Ostend!

"I left this mud town, by the early train, next morning; and having altered my tactics, determined now to be guided by any one who would take the trouble to direct me,--neither resisting nor opposing. To be brief, for my story has grown too lengthy, I changed carriages four times, at each place there being a row among the bystanders which party should decide my destination,--the excitement once running so high that I lost one skirt of my coat, and had my cravat pulled off; and the end of this was that I arrived, at four in the afternoon, at Liege, sixty-odd miles beyond Brussels! for, somehow, these intelligent people have contrived to make their railroads all converge to one small town called 'Malines:' so that you may--as was my case--pa.s.s within twelve miles of Brussels every day, and yet never set eyes on it.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 644]

"I was now so fatigued by travelling, so wearied by anxiety and fever, that I kept my bed the whole of the following day, dreaming, whenever I did sleep, of everlasting railroads, and starting put of my slumbers to wonder if I should ever see my family again. I set out once more, and for the last time,--my mind being made up, that if I failed now, I 'd take up my abode wherever chance might drop me, and write to my wife to come and look for me. The bright thought flashed on me, as I watched the man in the baggage office labelling the baggage, and, seizing one of the gummed labels marked 'Bruxelles,' I took off my coat, and stuck it between the shoulders. This done, I resumed my garment, and took my place.

"The plan succeeded; the only inconvenience I sustained being the necessity I was under of showing my way-bill whenever they questioned me, and making a pirouette to the company,--a performance that kept the pa.s.sengers in broad grins for the whole day's journey. So you see, gentlemen, they may talk as they please about the line from Antwerp to Brussels, and the time being only one hour fifteen minutes; but take my word for it, that even--if you don't take a day's rest--it's a good three days' and a half, and costs eighty-five francs, and some coppers besides."