Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 61

A fellow-ill.u.s.trator, called upon Mr. Gibson in his studio one day and found him working at a specially constructed table accommodated to his height and breadth. He shook hands cordially with his visitor, but his frank face revealed deep discontent. His visitor expressed the fear that his visit was untimely.

"Not at all, my dear fellow," Mr. Gibson responded. "But I was just looking at this as you came in," and he showed him a very small pen, called a crow-quill, with which ill.u.s.trators make their sketches. The crow-quill is smaller than the ordinary pen and holder, a fragile, perishable, and insignificant instrument.

"Just look at it," complained Mr. Gibson, "and think of a man of my size earning his living with a thing like that!"

Going into a port where the water was very deep--Rio de Janeiro, I believe--relates Captain A. T. Mahan, the chain cables "got away," as the expression is, control was lost, and shackle after shackle tore out of the hawse-holes with tremendous rattling and roaring. The admiral was on deck at the moment, and when the chain had been stopped and secured he said to the captain: "Alfred, send for the young man in charge of those chains and give him a good setting-down. Ask him what he means by letting such things happen." Alfred was a mild person, and clearly did not like his job; he could not have come up to the admiral's standard. The latter saw it, and said: "Perhaps you had better leave it to me. I'll settle him." Fixing his eyes on the offender, he said, sternly: "What do you mean by this, sir? Why the h.e.l.l didn't you stop that chain?" The culprit looked quietly at him and said: "How the h.e.l.l could I?" After a moment the admiral turned to the captain and said meekly: "That's true, Alfred; how the h.e.l.l could he?"

An old darky of the Blue Gra.s.s State was looking at the high steppers belonging to his new master, who said, "I suppose your master down South had a good many horses?" "'Deed we did, sah, dat we did; an' ole ma.s.sa had 'em all name' Bible names. Faith, Hope, and Charity, Bustle, Stays, and Crinoline was all one spring's colts!"

The wife of a well-known judge lost her cook, and since she had no other recourse she rolled up her sleeves and for a week provided such meals as the judge had not enjoyed since those happy days when they didn't keep a cook. The judge's delight was so great that by way of acknowledgment he presented his wife with a beautiful ermine coat.

Naturally the incident was noised about among their acquaintances and a spirit of envious emulation was developed in certain quarters. Mrs.

Jerome, after reciting the story to her husband, asked, "What do I get, Jerry, if I will do the cooking for a week?"

"At the end of the week, dear, you'll get one of those long crepe veils."

Perhaps one of Lord Beaconsfield's brightest flings was at the wife of his bitterest political foe. Mrs. Gladstone pa.s.sed the Prime Minister one day, and he cast a glance at her over his shoulder, saying: "There goes a woman without one redeeming fault."

A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his presence.

The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:

"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get drunk, and mistreat her shamefully."

The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the door, asking: "Sor, may I spake to you, not as an officer, but as mon to mon?"

"Yes, what is it?"

"You and I are two of the most illigant liars the Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."

A very prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Douglas Jerrold, met his victim and, planting himself in the way, said: "Well, Jerrold, what is going on to-day?"

Jerrold replied, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"

Foote, the English actor, was once praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to Ireland. A gentleman in his audience asked him whether he had ever been at Cork. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many drawings of it."

A lady one day meeting a girl who had formerly been in her employ inquired, "Well Mary, where do you live now?" "Please ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," rejoined the girl; "I am married."

When a Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for election in Hull, England, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady offered to make a present of a new gown to each of the wives of the men who voted for her brother. Upon hearing this, the crowd whom she was addressing broke out into cries of "Miss Wilberforce forever." "I thank you gentlemen,"

the young lady replied, "but I do not wish to be Miss Wilberforce forever!"

"How do you define 'black as your hat?'" said a schoolmaster to one of his pupils.

"Darkness that may be felt," replied the budding genius.

She--"He married her for her money. Wasn't that awful?"

He--"Did he get it?"

She--"No."

He--"It was."

"My, but it is hot in your office," said a client to his lawyer.

"It ought to be," replied the lawyer, "I make my bread here."

The town council of a small German community met to inspect a new site for a cemetery. They a.s.sembled at a chapel, and as it was a warm day some one suggested they leave their coats there.

"Some one can stay behind and watch them," suggested Herr Botteles.

"What for?" demanded Herr Ehrlich. "If we are all going out together what need is there for any one to watch the clothes?"

After a brief two weeks' acquaintance he invited her to go to the ball-game with him.

"There's Jarvis! He's a good one. He's a pitcher for your life. And that's Johnson, over there. He's going to be our best man in a few weeks."

"Oh, Walter! He'll do, all right," she lisped hurriedly, "but it is so sudden, dear."