Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 49

The unconscious humors of country journalism, says William Allen White, are often more amusing than the best efforts of the alleged "funny man."

According to Mr. White there once appeared in a Kansas paper the following "personal notice":

"Our prominent townsman Theodore Monkton is seriously ill. He is being attended twice a day by Doctor Smith, in consultation with Doctor Morgan. His recovery, therefore, is in great doubt."

A crowd of small boys were gathered about the entrance of a circus tent in one of the small cities in New Hamps.h.i.+re one day, trying to get a glimpse of the interior. A man standing near watched them for a few moments, then walking up to the ticket-taker he said:

"Let all these boys in, and count them as they pa.s.s."

The man did as requested, and when the last one had gone, he turned and said, "Twenty-eight."

"Good!" said the man, "I guessed just right," and walked off.

The editor of a rural newspaper determined to adopt the idea of posting bulletins on a bulletin board for all important events that happened in the town. Soon afterward he was told one morning by the local physician that Deacon Jones was seriously ill. The deacon was a man of some distinction in the community, so the editor posted a series of bulletins as follows:

10 A. M.--Deacon Jones no better.

11 A. M.--Deacon Jones has relapse.

12.30 P. M.--Deacon Jones weaker. Pulse failing.

1 P. M.--Deacon Jones has slight rally.

2.15 P. M.--Deacon Jones's family has been summoned.

3.10 P. M.--Deacon Jones has died and gone to heaven.

Later in the afternoon a traveling salesman happened by, stopped to read the bulletins, and going to the bulletin board, made another report concerning the deceased. It was:

4.10 P. M.--Great excitement in heaven. Deacon Jones has not yet arrived.

A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality, when one, a little Virginian with humorous eyes and a delightful drawl, took up his parable thus:

"I was down in Louisiana last month, travelin' 'cross country with a friend, when we kinder got lost in a mighty lonesome sort of road just about dark. We rode along a right good piece after sundown, and when we saw a light ahead, I tell you it looked first-rate. We drove up to the light, finding 'twas a house, and when I hollered like a lost calf the man came out and we asked him to take us in for the night. He looked at us mighty hard, then said:

"'Wal, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.'

"So we went in and found 'twas only a two-room shanty, just swarmin'

with children. He had six, from four to eleven years old; as there didn't seem to be but one bed, me an' Stony wondered what in thunder would become of us.

"They gave us supper, good hog and hominy, the best they had, and then the old woman put the two youngest kids to bed. They went straight to sleep. Then she took those out, laid them over in the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on.

"After all the children were asleep on the floor the old folk went in the other room and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and bein' powerful tired out, we did.

"Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we were lying over in the corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bed."

"Waiter, what have you got?" said May Irwin in one of her plays.

"Well, I've got pig's feet--"

"Never mind telling me your troubles, I want to know what you've got to eat?"

As every one knows, the great Von Moltke never wasted words and despised anything that approached garrulity in others. German army officers are fond of telling an anecdote ill.u.s.trative of this peculiarity:

Von Moltke was leaving Berlin on a railway journey. Just before the train pulled out of the station a captain of hussars entered the general's compartment and, recognizing him, saluted with "Guten Morgen, Excellenz!"

Two hours later the train slowed up at a way station. The captain arose, saluted, and with another "Guten Morgen, Excellenz!" left the train.

Turning to one of his companions, Von Moltke said, with an expression of the greatest disgust, "Intolerable gas-bag!"

A gentleman gave a large dinner party in Dublin once and invited Mr.

O'Connor, one of the wittiest men in the Emerald Isle, to amuse and divert his guests. Mr. O'Connor accepted the invitation with pleasure.

But from the beginning to the end of dinner he preserved a solemn and serious face. The host thought this very strange, and just before rising from the table remarked to him jestingly, "Why, O'Connor, old fellow, I don't believe the biggest fool in Ireland could make you laugh to-night." Whereupon his guest answered in a solemn tone, speaking his first word that evening, "Try."

Governor Guild of Ma.s.sachusetts, who served in the Spanish War, tells a story of a New York regiment, many of whose members were recruited on the East Side. They were spoiling for a fight, and it became necessary to post a sentry to preserve order.

A big husky Bowery recruit, of pugilistic propensities, was put on guard outside, and given special orders to see that quiet reigned, and above all things, if trouble came his way, not to lose possession of his rifle.

Soon a general row began, growing in proportions as the minutes pa.s.sed. The soldier walked his post nervously, without interrupting, until the corporal of the guard appeared on the scene with reenforcements.

"Why didn't you stop this row?" shouted the corporal.

The sentry, balancing his rifle on his shoulder, raised his arms to the correct boxing position, and replied:

"Sure, phwat could I do wid this gun in me hands!"

A New Jersey man recently reached the conclusion that his eight-year-old boy is a trifle too bright.

At dinner one evening the father had been entertaining a number of friends from Philadelphia with a funny story. This was at dessert. The youngster had been very quiet throughout the previous courses; but here he arose to the occasion in fine style.