Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 4

The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following among his directions for using:

"When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the hydrant. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled."

A well-known New York clergyman was telling his Bible cla.s.s the story of the Prodigal Son at a recent session, and wis.h.i.+ng to emphasize the disagreeable att.i.tude of the elder brother on that occasion, he laid especial stress on this phase of the parable. After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.

"Can anybody in the cla.s.s," he asked, "tell me who this was?"

A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.

"I know," he said, beamingly; "it was the fatted calf."

"I understand," said the old-time friend, "that you are gettin' right exclusive."

"Well," answered Mr. c.u.mrox, "that's what mother an' the girls call it."

"What do you call it?"

"Plain 'lonesome'."

"Tommy," said the hostess, "you appear to be in deep thought."

"Yes'm," replied Tommy; "ma told me somethin' to say if you should ask me to have some cake or anything, an' I bin here so long now I forgit what it was."

A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins cl.u.s.tered around a dog of doubtful pedigree.

"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked with fatherly interest.

"Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tells the biggest one gets the purp."

"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I never even _thought_ of telling an untruth."

"Youse win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister."

A Brooklyn Sunday-school teacher once had occasion to catechise a new pupil whose ignorance of his Testament would have been amusing had it not been so appalling. One Sunday she asked the little fellow how many commandments there were.

To her surprise, the lad answered, glibly enough: "Ten, ma'am."

"And now, Sammy," pleasantly asked the teacher, "what would the result be if you should break one of them?"

"Then there'd be nine!" triumphantly answered the youngster.

William J. Carr, of the State Department, had occasion to call at the house of a neighbor late at night. He rang the door-bell. After a long wait a head was poked out of a second-floor window.

"Who's there?" asked a voice.

"Mr. Carr," was the reply.

"Well," said the voice as the window banged shut, "what do I care if you missed a car? Why don't you walk, and not wake up people to tell them about it?"

A clever veterinary has a system all his own. When he received an overfed toy dog he would consign him to a disused brick oven, with a crust of bread, an onion and an old boot. When the dog began to gnaw the bread, the anxious mistress was informed that her darling was "doing nicely." When it commenced operation on the onion, word was sent that the pet was "decidedly better"; but when the animal tackled the boot, my lady was gratified to hear that her precious pet was "ready to be removed."

A lady while going downstairs to dinner had the misfortune to step slightly on the dress of a lady in front of her. The man on whose arm the former was leaning rudely said aloud so that the couple in front might hear, "Always getting in the way like Balaam's a.s.s!" Upon which the lady whose gown had been trodden on, turning round, replied with a sweet smile, "Pardon me, it was the angel who stood in the way and the a.s.s which spoke."

A number of years ago, when the former Second a.s.sistant Secretary of State, Alvey A. Adee, was Third a.s.sistant, an employee of the State Department was called to the 'phone.

"Will you kindly give me the name of the Third a.s.sistant Secretary of State?" asked the voice at the other end of the wire.

"Adee."

"A. D. what?"

"A. A. Adee."

"Spell it, please."

"A."

"Yes."

"A."

"Yes."

"A----"

"You go to the d----!" and the receiver was indignantly hung up.