The Rolliad Part 46

HIGH BAILIFF.--This here case is, as I may say, rather _more_ muddier than I could wish.

DEPUTY GROJAN.--_Ce n'est pas clair_--I _tink_, Sir, with you.

CURATE.--"_Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, O Lord!_"

Mr. FOX.--Having thus recapitulated all the points of so contradictory an evidence, I leave you, Mr. High Bailiff, to decide upon its merits.

CURATE.--"_He leadeth Counsellors away spoiled, and maketh Judges fools._"

HIGH BAILIFF.--I don't care three bra.s.s pins points about that there--though the poor _feller_ did live in a shed; yet as he says he once boiled a sheep's head under his own roof, which I calls his _casthillum_--_argyle_, I declares him a good _wote_!

CLERK.--"_Oh Lord! incline our hearts to keep this law._"

BAR-KEEPER.--Make way for the parish-officers, and the other _gemmen_ of the _Westry_.

CURATE.--"_I said my house should be called a house of prayer, but ye have made it a den of thieves!_"

Mr. ELc.o.c.k.--_Mr. High Bailey!_ Sir, them there _Foxites_ people are _sn.i.g.g.e.ring_ and _t.i.ttering_ on the other side of the table; and from what I can guess I am sure it can be at n.o.body but you or me.

CURATE.--"_Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of a man!_"

Sir CECIL WRAY.--I am sure this same SCRUTINY proves sufficiently burthensome to me.

CURATE.--"_Saddle me an a.s.s, and they saddled him._"

HIGH BAILIFF.--Mr. HARGRAVE here, my counsel, says--it is my opinion that this _wote_ is legally substantiated according to law.

CURATE.--"_So_ MORDECAI _did, according to all that_ JEHOSAPHAT _commanded him!_"

Mr. PHILLIPS.--And now, friend MORGAN, having gone through my list of thirty votes, and struck off twenty-six bad, from that number, I will leave you to make your own comment thereon.

CURATE.--"_And lo! when they arose in the morning, they were all dead corpses!_"

HIGH BAILIFF.--But for G.o.d's sake, good Sir, in that case, what will the people justly say of _me?_

CURATE.--"_Let a gallows be erected fifty cubits high, and to-morrow speak unto the King, that_ MORDECAI _may be hanged thereon!_"

PARAGRAPH-OFFICE, IVY-LANE.

Whereas by public orders from this office, all GENTLEMEN RUNNERS and SCRIBBLERS, PUNNERS and QUIBBLERS, PUFFERS, PLAISTERERS, DAUBERS and SPATTERERS, in our pay, and under our direction, were required, for reasons therein specified, to be particularly diligent in defending and enforcing the projected DUTY ON COALS.

AND WHEREAS the virtuous and ill.u.s.trious CHANCELLOR OR THE EXCHEQUER, patriotically resolving to prefer the private interests of his friends to the public distress of his enemies; and prudently preferring the friends.h.i.+p of Lord LONSDALE to the satisfaction of ruining the manufactures of IRELAND, has accordingly signified in the HOUSE OF COMMONS, that he intends to propose some other tax as a subst.i.tute for the said duty.

THIS IS TO GIVE NOTICE to all Gentlemen Runners, and Scribblers, as aforesaid, that they hold themselves ready to furnish, agreeably to our future orders, a sufficient number of panegyrical paragraphs, properly ornamented with _Italics_ and CAPITALS, notes of interrogation, and notes of admiration, apostrophe's and exclamations, in support of any tax whatever, which the young Minister in his wisdom may think proper to subst.i.tute. AND in the mean time that they fail not to urge the public spirit and zeal for the national welfare, humanity to the poor, and regard for the prosperity of our manufacturers, which considerations ALONE induced the Minister to abandon his original purpose of taxing coals: AND that they expatiate on the wise exemptions and regulations which the Minister would certainly have introduced into his bill for enacting the said tax, but that (as he declared in the House of Commons) unfortunately for the finances of this country, he had not time in the present Session of Parliament to devise such exemptions and regulations: AND FINALLY, that they boldly a.s.sert the said tax to have been GOOD, POLITIC, JUST, and EQUITABLE; but that the new tax, which is to be subst.i.tuted in place of it, will necessarily be BETTER, MORE POLITIC, MORE JUST, and MORE EQUITABLE.

MAC-OSSIAN, _Superintendent-general of the Press._

PITT AND PINETTI. A PARALLEL.

SIGNOR PINETTI the Conjuror, and Mr. PITT the Premier, have a wonderful similitude in the princ.i.p.al transactions and events by which they are distinguished.

PINETTI, in defiance of Mr. COLMAN, took possession of his property in the HAYMARKET THEATRE, and by the help of a little agency behind the scenes, played several tricks, and became popular!

Mr. PITT in like manner seized upon another THEATRE-ROYAL, in the absence of the rightful possessor, the Duke of PORTLAND. He had not, it is true, the permission of a LORD CHAMBERLAIN as PINETTI had; but the countenance of a LORD OF THE BEDCHAMBER was deemed equivalent.

Here he exhibited several surprising tricks and deceptions: we will say nothing of the agency, but all present appeared delighted. PINETTI also exhibited in the presence of Royalty, and with equal success, as the sign manual he boasts of will testify.

PINETTI cuts a lemon in two, and shews a KNAVE OF DIAMONDS--Mr. PITT in like manner can divide the HOUSE OF COMMONS, which for its acidity may be called the political lemon. He cannot at present shew a KNAVE OF DIAMONDS; but what may he not do when Mr. HASTINGS arrives?[1]

PINETTI takes a number of rings, he fastens them together, and produces a CHAIN.--Does any person dispute Mr. PITT's ability to construct a CHAIN?

PINETTI has a SYMPATHETIC LIGHT, which he extinguishes at command--Mr.

PITT's method of leaving us in the dark is by BLOCKING UP our WINDOWS!

PINETTI takes money out of one's pocket in defiance of all the caution that can be used--Mr. PITT does the same, without returning it.--In this the Minister differs from the Conjuror!

PINETTI attempted to strip off an Englishman's s.h.i.+rt; if he had succeeded, he would have retained his popularity.--Mr. PITT attempted this trick, and has carried his point.

PINETTI has a bird which sings exactly any tune put before it.--Mr.

PITT has upwards of TWO HUNDRED birds of this description.--N.B.

PEARSON says they are a pack of CHATTERING MAGPIES.

[1] The Editor feels it necessary to declare, in justice to Mr.

HASTINGS's character, that the charges since preferred by the HOUSE OF COMMONS, and MAJOR SCOTT's _honour as a Gentleman_, have amply disproved all parts of this comparison.

NEW ABSTRACT OF THE BUDGET, FOR 1784.

COMMUTATION TAX.--An Act for rendering houses more chearful, healthy, comfortable, and commodious.

PAPER DITTO.--An Act for the encouragement of authors, the promotion of learning, and extending the liberty of the press.

POSTAGE DITTO.--An Act for expediting business, increasing social intercourse, and facilitating the epistolary correspondence of friends.

DISTILLERY DITTO.--An Act for making the landlords responsible to government for the obedience of their own and their neighbours tenantry.

CANDLE DITTO.--An Act for the benevolent purpose of putting the blind on a level with their fellow-creatures.