What Follows 30 13.0: Delicious Parties

`how many centuries deep is your wound?`

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Tobias scratches his head and holds his hip before glancing at me. Glancing at the disaster my face is as I watch Sierra and Joshua make out on a bed that isn't his or hers.

And it's funny that I feel nothing. My heart seems to have taken a pause mid-beat, not knowing if it should jump in anger and disgust, or just relax (die) in sadness and disappointment.

"That's paradoxical," Tobias says as Joshua pulls Sierra to his laps by her hips.

I blink away his remark and try not to focus on the tiny details of my situation. I try not to focus on, hey this is your ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend doing the 'shame-shame'. That, hey they're supposed to be hating each other.

And when I'm done failing at not focusing, I realize that those aren't tiny details. Those are the details.

"I'm sorry," Tobias whispers for some reason but I can't spare the time to reply as I think of ways I could get away with murdering two people at once. I think of bas.h.i.+ng their heads dead to the bedpost, slicing their bodies to smithereens and feeding them off to the fishes. Cause this is where our friends.h.i.+p sleeps.

It sleeps with the fishes.

Joshua is peeling off his s.h.i.+rt as Sierra undoes her hair, and I'm so revolted, it takes me my all not to barf. Which makes me wonder, again, what does ghost barf look like? Is it rot manifested with worms or is it stardust?

Cause I might just bring the whole universe down on them.

"They're the reason why," I say, no longer capable of handling the idea of them together, no longer capable of watching them insult my existence.

"Hey," Tobias gets closer to me but I'm too rooted in my thoughts to pay attention to him. "Rose, look at me."

I glance at him and it hurts to know that it saddens him that I'm agonizing over what they've done to me. He locks my eyes and I almost look away when he subtly shakes his head.

"Don't look away," he says, his thick eyebrows drawn in concern and his lips pulled down into a frown.

"It's my punishment," I say and sniff and hate myself for it. "I'd like to watch them trash my existence and p.i.s.s on it."

"No you wouldn't-" Tobias drops Benji, risking having the lovely couple, ravis.h.i.+ng each other, to look over and find him. But Tobias knows better. He knows that they're way into each other to notice such a thing. So he holds me.

"Give yourself the mercy of not looking-" He tells me, flushed, with his hair barely held up by the bun. "Just close your eyes."

I inhale shakily and bring my unsteady hands to my shower heads for eyes. I glance at Sierra who straddles Joshua and shut my eyes, a hand on my chest.

"Yes," Tobias says softly and I peel my eyes raw to him, my lips quivering. Tobias' lips part helplessly before he hesitantly wraps his arms around me.

And I feel nothing I swear. I feel nothing at all, I feel nothing but my sobs hurtling out of my mouth and into his chest. And I realize that I'm slowly turning into an insecure mess he's trying to hold still.

"Did I do something wrong? Did I ever hurt them?" I ask between my sobs. "Was there something wrong with me?"

Tobias makes it a point to reply with a chain of 'no's. No, love. No way. No, please. But I'm not convinced, so,

"Why? Why?" I ask. Why did they hurt me? Why me?

"Because they're bad people," Tobias says. "And because good people pay for bad people's mistakes. That's why love."

"So why is G.o.d making me suffer?" I wail.

"Because we failed Him," Tobias says. I look up, in his eyes, my lips parting.

"How so?"

"We failed Him by not being around to see how just He is," he says. "You really don't think G.o.d wants to make you watch them be so awful, do you?"

"I don't-"

"He wants you to see what He will do to them so you'll regret not staying behind. And that's the real suffering. Not this. It's knowing that things could've gone better and not being around for it." Tobias then says nothing as I hang in there in his arms, a sniffing mess, looking in his eyes for help.

"There's no hope for us," I whisper brokenly.

Tobias looks like he's having difficulty swallowing those words before he subtly lifts his brows and says, "No, not for us."

And I wonder if G.o.d knows that words are murderers in disguise. Murderers lurking under our soft sighs, whisperous whispers and silvery voices. Maybe humans are better off mute. But then I also remember how words can brighten up faces and make days.

And I suppose that's the thing. G.o.d has created us with a completely free will. We can use our words to harm or to heal. We can use our brains to deceive or to lead. We can use our hands to help or to slit wrists.

We are free to do whatever we want. And what we want is what we all need considering. G.o.d gave us the freedom to turn rogue or faithful.

The room's door gets slammed open and Tobias and I spring apart to look at the intruder. Tobias rushes to get hold of Benji who was dragging Joshua's sweater under the bed before returning to stand next to me with wide eyes.

We then stare at the intruder holding two red cups and wearing a huge smile that dims to nothing when Sierra, in her bra and pants, gets off Joshua.

"Mason." Sierra states, glancing over at Joshua who looks aghast.

Mason's frozen facial expressions thaw into sizzling anger before he hurls the red cups at Joshua (and none of them actually hit him). "What the f.u.c.k, Josh?!" He says, charging toward him.

"Mason-" Sierra reaches out for him, but he turns to her with a death glare.

"At my own f.u.c.king party?" Mason sneers at her. "On my parents' bed?" He then turns to Joshua and pushes his shoulders. "What the f.u.c.k?!"

Joshua seems lost at words. "I didn't know-" He whispers, looking way too apologetic to be believable.

"What didn't you know?" His voice breaks. "I thought you were my f.u.c.king brother, what the f.u.c.k?" He pushes him again and Joshua does nothing to retaliate. "Get the f.u.c.k out!" He yells before turning to Sierra. "Both of you, out! I don't wanna see any of your faces when I return."

Mason tries concealing his watering eyes before he spits next to his shoes and stumbles on one of the cups on his way out of the room.

Tobias and I stare at the wide-open door, lips parted, not knowing what to expect.

Joshua runs his hands through his hair and walks to the dresser, where we stood, only to pick up a blinking phone. A phone recording the f.u.c.kery that was happening.

"So it is a challenge," Tobias says in disbelief. "What extents are they really willing to go to?"

I don't answer as Joshua turns to Sierra with an appalled expression, leaving his bareback for view. "What the h.e.l.l?" He spits out. "You said it was a one night stand."

Sierra looks unbothered. "For me it was."

"Are you serious?!" Joshua says furiously. "Mason is out there thinking ya'll in a relations.h.i.+p and you're here thinking it was a f.u.c.king fling?" He gestures wildly. "You know I only did this because I thought that ya'll don't care about each other!"

"And?"

"And I broke his heart!" He points at the door. "And he's my best friend!"

"Well, how come he never told you about us if we were, in his dimension, a thing?Besides, you said you wanted to finish the challenge and promised some cash and helping find my phone," Sierra says.

"You don't- you don't care about him," Joshua says, almost horrified.

"Of course not-" Sierra rolls her eyes. "My challenge was to isolate Roseline. I had to get Mason on my side. And unfortunately, he didn't do one night stands. He's more of the dating type. It wasn't my fault."

"This is just ridiculous," Tobias mutters and I shake my head in shock.

"You just can't seem to get enough money!" Joshua bellows and Sierra purses her lips before smiling, then laughing.

"And you can?" She mocks, getting closer to him. She then traces his chest. "I mean, what else would you want to f.u.c.k me for?" She lifts her eyes to his and pouts. "Your hate confused itself for love? You caught feelings? Josh?"

Joshua slaps away her hand and she smirks in response. "You don't understand."

"Well. Tell me, Papi. Explain your reasons. Maybe I'm too dumb to understand," she drawls and I cringe at her manners.

Joshua walks past her and sits on the bed. He stares at his reflection in the mirror despondently before sighing heavily and holding his head.

"Maybe I'd tell you if I weren't too ashamed," Joshua says quietly, averting his eyes to her. "Maybe I'll tell you because I'm f.u.c.ked anyway."

Sierra scoffs.

Joshua shuts his stony eyes momentarily before opening up misty ones. "All I want is our s.e.x tape," he says. "Okay? And maybe the game will be decent enough to get you the h.e.l.l out of my life."

"Well, you chose to f.u.c.k up your life-" She grins.

"I'd never choose f.u.c.king up people's lives for money-" He tells her seriously.

"It is better," Sierra shrugs. "I just fail to understand how your brain works. I mean why would someone choose to ruin their own life over that of others? It was a no brainer for me."

At that, Joshua scoffs. "You really think that? You really think that you're coming out of this, if you ever do, unscathed?" He lifts his brows before snorting. "You have it coming."

"I'm out here literally living my best life," Sierra says.

"Until it f.u.c.ks you up mentally-" Joshua snaps.

"Well, isn't that the point?" She crosses her arms across her chest. "f.u.c.ked up people don't really know that they are and thus continue living their best lives."

Joshua shakes his head and says nothing.

"I think this video is enough," Sierra changes the topic. "They'd love to see how you've hurt Mason."

"I never intended on that," Joshua hisses. "You just know how to twist your words."

Sierra smirks. "Aight, Mr n.o.ble, let's get our a.s.ses out of here before your Mason goes crazy on us."

Joshua closes his eyes, nods slowly and gets up, leaving his phone on the bed. "Where's my s.h.i.+rt?" He then asks, pulling up the beds' blankets and looking beneath them.

Sierra smiles wickedly. "I don't know? Under the bed?"

Tobias and I look at Benji who pants happily at our sudden attention as Joshua looks up at Sierra with an exasperated facial expression before diving to the floor. Sierra then walks to the bed, looks down at Joshua's phone before picking it up and quickly shoving it in her bra.

I gasp loudly and Tobias groans.

"Fetch me my sweater, Josh." She singsongs and Joshua emerges from under the bed, his hair ruffled, with his and Sierra's sweaters.

He throws Sierra's sweater in her way and she catches it with a smile as he pulls on his.

Tobias suddenly turns me to him. "This? Did you see what happened? That's the real 's.h.i.+t' no-one saw coming."

I look in his bright eyes and my mouth hangs open helplessly. "Hopefully he'll notice?"

Tobias shakes his head. "Of course not!" He then points at Joshua who's wiping away at his eyes. "He's being all emotional and gooey right now."

"No-" My hands shake (and I think, hey, how is this possible if I don't have nerves and s.h.i.+t? And I think maybe there are too many roaches feasting on my hands right now. Maybe they're dancing on it's dead flesh and throwing a delicious party. Maybe that's why my hands are shaking. No, not because Sierra might kill Joshua, no).

Joshua and Sierra leave the room soon enough and it's clear that he hasn't noticed his phone missing.

I'm staring at the doorway and Tobias is saying something I can't hear and I am acutely aware that maybe it's Joshua's life that she might decide to ruin after having ruined mine and I'm not sure why is it that all the lights outside seem to switch off.

I don't know why Tobias is holding on when I wanted to beg him not to fall asleep yet. When I wanted to tell him, 'wait, Joshua. Tobias, we need to save Joshua'.

What do you do on days when there's so much to do, but sleep, sorry, being dead, seems to always swallow you whole and away?