Pet Peeve Part 26

"Gold diggers!" the parody said.

"Opportunists," she agreed. "Yet if there were one who was not that type, whose interest was sincere-"

He shook his head with resignation. "She would still have to match the standards of decency and niceness Go-Go set, or I couldn't love her. That makes it just about impossible."

"Perhaps." Then she was silent for a while.

A flying dragon came toward them. "Bogey at one o'clock!" the parody said as the dragon snorted a twin column of fire.

A bow appeared in Cynthia's hands, and she nocked an arrow. Undeterred, the dragon came on. That made Goody nervous. Dragon fire could toast them from a distance.

Cynthia drew the bowstring. The dragon inhaled, readying a deadly blast the moment it got within range. Goody's nervousness intensified. How could this filly score when flying, and wouldn't the arrow, even if on target, just bounce off the dragon's metallic scales?

Cynthia loosed the arrow. It flew into the midst of the starting flame. The dragon swerved, stung, and the flame cut off.

Then Goody saw the arrow sticking from the dragon's nose. That was one of the few soft spots. It was not a lethal strike, but it had to hurt.

"Some just have to learn the hard way," Cynthia said as she put the bow away somewhere. "Normally they feint and retreat."

"I'm sure this one will, next time," Goody said, impressed. It had not been a long or hard shot, but it had been accurate, and that was what counted.

"You should've jammed it right down its throat!"

"There was no need, peeve."

That surprised Goody again, as it implied, surely correctly, that she could have scored there. She had intended only to discourage the dragon, and teach it a lesson, not to kill it.

"How come?" the bird demanded.

"There has been a shortage of dragons recently. We don't want to take out any before their time. They perform necessary policing of untoward elements. Some merely require a bit of discipline."

And she had disciplined the dragon. This soft-breasted filly who was so concerned about Goody's romantic life-there was more to her than Goody had realized. "I'm impressed," he said frankly.

"SCP," she said. "Standard centaur policy."

So it seemed. But Goody remained impressed.

Goody snoozed as the flight continued, and so did the parody. He knew he should be marshaling effective arguments to present to the centaurs, but his mind seemed to have shut down for the day. He hoped it would reanimate when it had to.

And of course he dreamed of Go-Go Gobliness. In life she had been pretty but not outstanding, according to others, but to him she was beauty incarnate. No, there was not her like in all Xanth-and if there were, what would she want with him, a disgraced and banished male? So fleeting dreams were all he could have of fleeting happiness.

He woke as the centaur glided down to the sand of a beach. She landed running, cleverly maintaining her balance. She had allowed her weight to return so that firm contact with the ground was feasible.

"Better go to flight school, you amateur!" the parody complained as the shock of her hooves striking hard sand ran up through her body and Goody's, shaking the bird.

Che and Hannah were already down. "That was great!" she said. "I've never ridden in the sky before. And Che is the most intelligent male I've met."

Probably true, Goody thought, because chances were that Che was the smartest of centaurs, and they were generally smarter than straight human folk. It was interesting that the barbarian woman appreciated intelligence in a male. Barbarian males were not noted for that quality, which surely complicated her romantic prospects.

"Hey, you didn't take us all the way," the parody said. "Centaur Isle's across the sea, hoofheads."

Che smiled, as tolerant as Cynthia was. "True. That is because we are not welcome on Centaur Isle, or indeed, among landbound centaurs generally. They regard us as a misceginated species."

That stumped the bird. "What kind?"

"A crossbreed."

"But all centaurs are crossbreeds," Hannah said. "Between horses and humans."

"We don't like to advertise our purported human ancestry," Che said. "But the point is that ground-bound centaurs regard themselves as a pure species, and object to any dilution. They also regard magic as obscene."

"And you use magic to fly," Hannah said.

"So we are doubly obscene," Che agreed cheerfully. "We live with it."

"But how are we to get to Centaur Isle?"

"Simply walk along the beach until you come to the centaur ferry. Tell them your mission, and they will take you across."

"But we can't tell the ferryman our real mission," Goody said. "We're supposed to keep it quiet, for now."

"And your mission is to place the peeve," Cynthia reminded him.

Oh. Yes. "We'll walk," he agreed.

"We shall await your return," Che said.

"But don't you have better things to do than just wait?"

"No. This mission is preemptive."

Oh, again. Of course.

"Lazy hoofers!"

The centaurs merely smiled, unruffled, which of course nettled the bird.

They walked along the beach. Soon they came to the centaur ferry station. A male centaur stood there as if expecting them. Had word somehow been sent ahead, or did they always have an alert stallion there? Probably the latter.

Goody approached the stallion, who carried a large bow and had a quiver of arrows on his back. "h.e.l.lo. I am Goody Goblin, and this is my companion Hannah Barbarian. I seek a good home for this parody."

"Not that it's any of your business, horseface."

"Who speaks with my voice, insultingly," Goody said. "So my mission is a challenge."

The centaur nodded. He gestured to the raft at the edge of the water. It was stout and broad enough for centaurs, which meant it was more than adequate for them.

They boarded, and sat in the center. The centaur stepped onto the rear of it, holding a solid pole. He angled the pole, and the raft started moving.

"But the pole's not touching anything," Goody said, surprised. "What's pus.h.i.+ng the raft?"

"It is propelled by magic. The pole merely guides the thrust."

"But I thought-"

"A common confusion. We centaurs regard magic infestation in our bodies to be obscene, as you might regard something rotting inside your body. But we recognize magic as a viable force in Xanth, and do not hesitate to use it as required."

"Thank you for that clarification," Hannah said. "It makes sense."

"Indubitably."

The raft continued across the water, moving well.

"Bogey at nine o'clock!"

Sure enough, there was something in the water. It was large and toothy. The centaur set down the pole, and the raft slowed. He lifted his bow.

The toothy thing turned tail. It had evidently had prior experience with centaurs.

"Chicken! Buk buk buk BAWK!"

But the shamed monster did not return.

The centaur picked up the pole again, and progress resumed. "Routine," Hannah murmured.

They came to land on the large island that was the home of most of the centaurs of Xanth. They were met by a fair-haired filly, fully as full breasted as any of the breed.

"Get a load of that globe-fronted varmint," the parody said. "What a cha.s.sis!"

"Greetings, visitors," the filly said with a brilliant smile. "I am Cheery Centaur, your guide for your visit to Centaur Isle. What is your purpose here?"

"You sure got your points, creature!"

The filly paused, her smile freezing. "I beg your pardon?"

"Knockers, hooters, jugs, teats-"

"It's the bird!" Goody and Hannah said together.

"It uses my voice to insult people," Goody continued. "I am Goody Goblin, here to try to find a good home for this unusual bird. This Hannah Barbarian, who protects me from the mischief the bird incites. As you can appreciate, it is a challenge. Please take us to your leader."

Cheery was taken aback. "I'm really not sure-"

"Because you're a simpleton, heifer!"

The centaur decided. "I will take you to our leader."

"Thank you," Goody said.

They followed the filly to an elaborate stall where an elder stallion awaited them. "This is Goody Goblin and his guardian Hannah Barbarian. They have a disreputable bird to place." She turned back to them. "This is Chevalier Centaur, our head stallion. He will give you a brief audience." She departed swiftly.

"Good riddance, founder-foot!"

Goody opened his mouth. "What is your real mission, goblin?" the stallion asked, cutting him off.

Goody had his mouth open, but was unable to get any words out. "We have a message and plea from Human King Dor," Hannah said.

"Naturally. You came here directly from Castle Roogna, as rapidly as was feasible. We knew something important was afoot. That's why I trotted here to meet you. Deliver your message and plea."

Goody finally got his mouth functioning. "Robots are invading Xanth. They are a danger to all residents, not just humans. We need to solicit the help of other organized species."

"What is this word 'robots'?"

"Machines, dumbbell!"

"They are mechanical creatures, made of iron," Goody said. "They have already ruined the ironwood forest, harvesting its trees for iron to make more robots. They are getting larger as they go. We have to stop them before they find another, richer source of iron."

"That would be Iron Mountain," Chevalier said. "That would be a virtually limitless source."

Goody nodded. "Uh, yes. King Dor mentioned it. The robots started as tiny ent.i.ties. Now they are my size. If they get enough iron, they'll be full human size, or-"

"Or centaur size," the stallion agreed.

"So we feel that we must stop them before they do. Even so, it will be difficult, because they are not alive. They are machines, without feeling. They don't sleep. They just keep working, and-"

"Desist, goblin."

"But this is serious! We-"

"Hold. I appreciate the need. We will send a contingent to a.s.sist the humans in this campaign."

Goody's mouth was stifled again. Just like that, they had enlisted the centaurs!

"Thank you, Chevalier," Hannah said. "We are most grateful for your help."

"But as for the bird-"

Hannah laughed. "We'll try elsewhere!"

"Thank you."

"No thanks to you, hoof-in-mouth."

"I'm sure there is some responsible person somewhere who will appreciate the qualities of the peeve," Chevalier said with a wryness that bordered on humorous contempt.

Soon they were back on the raft, crossing to Xanth proper. "What group do we tackle next?" Hannah asked.

Goody sighed. "I dread this, but I think it has to be the goblins. There are many tribes, each more vicious than the next, and they are good at tunneling and fighting. They could really tackle the robots, especially while the robots are goblin sized."