The Borowitz Report Part 9

The number of Americans trying to look busy in their cubicles while doing no work whatsoever surged 17 percent, an extremely strong increase, Greenspan said.

"The members of the labor force who paid extensive visits to Internet casino and p.o.r.nography sites in lieu of doing work-related tasks increased at an unprecedented rate last month," Greenspan said.

"Their willingness to s.h.i.+rk their duties in order to play blackjack or look at naked people is a sign of unexpected strength in the job market," the Fed chief added.

Greenspan went on to say that the number of American workers using valuable office time to visit Internet sites dedicated to the World Wrestling Federation, the Paris Hilton s.e.x videos, and what he termed "24-hour sorority shower-cams" also surged in February.

Greenspan's testimony to the Senate was not entirely upbeat, however.

p.o.r.n consumption in the workplace has surged to record levels, Greenspan told Congress.

In a comment that surprised several of the senators, the Fed chief warned that some high-speed Internet users may watch online p.o.r.nography "too quickly to really enjoy it."

"With the advent of DSL and other high-speed Internet technologies, p.o.r.nography customers may find that things fly by too fast to be fully appreciated," Greenspan told the senators.

"On the positive side, less time spent watching p.o.r.nography will give the habitual p.o.r.n consumer more time for other tasks, such as studying job statistics and money supply, and determining the future direction of the Fed discount rate," Greenspan said.

KIM'S BLOG Question: how come when Alan Greenspan talks, everyone listens, and when I talk, no one listens?

It's not like one of us is a whole lot taller than the other. And it's not like one of us wears gla.s.ses that are way too big for his head and the other one doesn't. So what does Alan Greenspan have that I don't have?

Before you think that I'm being paranoid again, here's an example of things Greenspan and I have said on the exact same day, and you tell me which is more worth paying attention to: Greenspan: In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation.

Me: I will engulf the world in a scorching sea of fire.

Greenspan: How do we know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated a.s.set values, which then become subject to unexpected and prolonged contractions as they have in j.a.pan over the past decade?

Me: I have my finger on the b.u.t.ton right now. Don't think that I won't push it!

Greenspan: Evaluating s.h.i.+fts in balance sheets generally, and in a.s.set prices particularly, must be an integral part of the development of monetary policy.

Me: Be afraid! Be very afraid!

So, there you have it. Why do people listen to Greenspan instead of me? Well, for one thing, Alan Greenspan is married to Andrea Mitch.e.l.l of NBC News, and I'm not, so I guess in the end it's all about who you know. Note to self: marry Andrea Mitch.e.l.l of NBC News.

ATHLETE WITHOUT COMPELLING PERSONAL DRAMA EXPELLED FROM OLYMPICS.

Skier Concealed Adversity-Free Past From Officials, NBC A member of the U.S. Olympic ski team was disqualified from compet.i.tion today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human story line to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.

Tom Bergen, the expelled skier, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury and did not overcome a personal tragedy of any kind before making the Olympic ski team, U.S. Olympic officials revealed today.

"Had Tom been involved in an organ donation, as either a donor or a recipient, that would have been acceptable to us," ski team spokesman Sandy Harrell told reporters. "However, he was not."

According to sources close to the ski team, Bergen had concealed the fact that he comes from an intact middle-cla.s.s family who never lost their home to a flood, tornado, or typhoon.

But what may have sealed Bergen's doom, sources said, was his utter lack of a gravely ill family member to win a medal for.

"Tom did his best to hide his background from team officials," one source said. "But when the truth came out, he was finished."

Speaking to reporters in Salt Lake City, NBC Sports Chairman d.i.c.k Ebersol was even less charitable, terming Bergen's actions "a reprehensible betrayal."

"We do our best to check out all of the athletes to make sure that their backgrounds are full of compelling human drama, but we can't catch everything," Ebersol said. "This is a case of one really bad guy exploiting the system."

DOWNHILL: Skier "flagrantly lied" about his intact middle-cla.s.s family, Olympics officials confirmed.

VICTIMS OF EMINEM'S LATEST VERBAL a.s.sAULTS AGREE TO MEND THEIR WAYS

Lynne Cheney, Moby, Thousands of Others Take Rapper's Criticisms to Heart A diverse collection of celebrities, political figures, and family members who were singled out for vituperative attack in The Eminem Show, the hot-selling new CD by the rapper Eminem, announced today that they would attempt to mend their ways in accordance with Eminem's criticisms.

"Eminem pointed out a number of things I did that were hypocritical and wrongheaded," said Lynne V. Cheney, wife of Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney. "Upon reflection, I now see that he is absolutely right-and I want to offer my sincerest apology."

"It is my hope," Mrs. Cheney continued, "that if I work hard enough to improve my behavior, I will someday earn Eminem's respect."

Mrs. Cheney's decision to take Eminem's profane attack in the spirit of constructive criticism was echoed by the electronic musician Moby.

"I never realized how lame I was until I heard Eminem astutely mention it on his CD," Moby said. "He's really given me a lot to think about-and to work on."

Eminem, however, remained unmoved by his victims' contrite statements, issuing a statement of his own in which he repeated his oft-stated desire that they contract incurable diseases and die.

Electronic musician Moby (pictured) said he would take Eminem's critiques to heart.

"We hear you," Mrs. Cheney said.

The meeting of Eminem's victims, numbering in the thousands, filled the Los. Angeles Convention Center over the past three days to overflow capacity, snarling traffic throughout the downtown area.

The meeting featured motivational speakers and several educational workshops with names like "How to Make Eminem Like You More" and "If Eminem Says You're a Ho. You Probably Are."

KIM'S BLOG As everyone in North Korea knows, my love of hip-hop music runs deep. A few years ago, I had to make the choice between being dictator of North Korea or pursuing a career as a rapper, and I've never faced a tougher decision in my life. I think I made the right choice, but hip-hop still exerts a powerful tug on my soul.

In fact, a couple of years ago when I was heading for a summit with South Korea, I thought to myself, "I'm so misunderstood by the rest of the world-I wonder if it would help if I expressed myself by doing a little rapping?"

Like most of the stuff I do that would make people really like me and think I'm cool, my rapping at that summit was completely ignored by the Western media. But here's a little taste: Yo, mama, I'm da bomb

Play my tunes on the jukes, yo

Cuz I got the nukes, yo

Yo, mama, I'm da bomb

Gonna reprocess fuel rods

And blow up da schoolyards

Cuz mama, I'm da bomb

If you beg to differ, wait

Match me proliferate

I'm da bomb, yo, I'm da bomb, yo, etc.

This song shot up to number one in North Korea (remaining there for eighty weeks), but has yet to be played even once in America. When I take over the U.S., the first thing I'm going to fix is those stale FM playlists. They totally keep new artists from being heard, which if you ask me really blows.

RIDGE WARNS AMERICANS NOT TO SWIM TOO SOON AFTER EATING.

"Wait at Least Half an Hour," Homeland Security Chief Indicates in New Alert Tom Ridge, Director of the Office of Homeland Security, issued a "high alert" for all Americans today, warning them not to swim too soon after consuming a meal.

"If you jump in the pool right after eating, you could get serious cramps," Mr. Ridge told reporters in the Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., press briefing. "You should wait at least half an hour."

"You don't want to wind up like the Johnson boy down the street," Ridge added. "Last summer, he practically drowned."

Director Ridge also issued an alert, effective for an indefinite period of time, warning Americans against eating spicy food, such as pizza or chili dogs, right before bedtime.

"You could wind up having terrible nightmares," Ridge said. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this."

Ridge's wide-ranging alert covered other imminent dangers to the American people, such as sitting too close to the television, going out in cold weather with wet hair, and roughhousing on the sofa with siblings.

"To all Americans who are currently horsing around on their sofas with their brothers or sisters, I say the following: don't make me come over there," Ridge said.

Ridge went on to say that those who disregard his alert run the risk of being grounded next weekend, and will not be able to come along when he takes the rest of the country to the movies and bowling.

Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge demonstrates "a simple thing each and every one of us can do" to ward off vampires.

At the conclusion of his press conference, Mr. Ridge issued a new alert to a sound technician carrying a boom microphone.

"Watch it," Mr. Ridge told the technician. "You could put an eye out with that thing."

BUSH WANTED TO INVADE IRAQ BACK IN COLLEGE.