The Borowitz Report Part 7

If you guessed "Kim Jong II," you're wrong-the correct answer is "Donald Rumsfeld."

Why yours truly is considered a menace to the universe while Rumsfeld is considered a protector of peace and freedom everywhere is one of those enduring mysteries I'll never fathom. And to make matters worse, as far as I'm concerned Rummy completely stole my act!

A couple of years ago, one of my a.s.sociates from the Ministry of Retribution came running into my office with a videotape. He was like, "Kim, check this out." So I stopped playing Tetris and popped the tape into the VCR. Dude, what I saw totally blew my mind: there was Rummy, in a Pentagon briefing, cackling away like a maniac and bisecting the air with a chopping motion lifted directly from the Korean art of self-defense known as Hapkido-in other words, my f.u.c.king hand gestures. It totally freaked me out.

My advisors said I should sue the b.a.s.t.a.r.d for copyright infringement, but I've never been a litigious guy. Like so many other disputes, this is just one of those things that I think is best settled by nuclear war.

IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER MOVES TO AOL TIME WARNER.

Named Company's Official Spokesman Muhammad Said al-Sahhaf, the former Information Minister of Iraq, was named today as the new official corporate spokesman for AOL Time Warner in New York.

Mr. al-Sahhaf, who just days ago had been saying that coalition troops were nowhere near the gates of Baghdad, had generally positive things to say about AOL Time Warner's prospects in today's compet.i.tive media environment.

"The merger of AOL and Time Warner was the most successful merger in the history of the media world," said Mr. al-Sahhaf, wearing his trademark beret. "All you have to do is take a look at the value of our executives' stock options-they're worth untold billions."

AOL Time Warner antic.i.p.ates a "banner year for revenues and profits," the former Iraqi Information Minister confirmed.

Mr. al-Sahhaf disputed reports that the company was desperately trying to raise cash by selling a.s.sets such as its two Atlanta sports teams.

"No parts of this company are for sale-in fact, we'd like to go on a buying spree right now," Mr. al-Sahhaf said. "That's what companies do when their bottom lines are gus.h.i.+ng cash, which is precisely what ours is doing."

Mr. al-Sahhaf also took issue with reports that Ted Turner, a major AOL TW stockholder, felt alienated from the company: "That is insane! Ted Turner is deliriously happy! At our last board meeting he was purring like a little kitten. Ask anyone who was there."

While many on Wall Street welcomed Mr. al-Sahhaf's upbeat a.s.sessment of the company's prospects, Ira Hogan of Credit Suisse First Boston lowered his recommendation on AOL TW to "sell," primarily because of the company's decision to hire Mr. al-Sahhaf.

Asked to comment on Mr. Hogan's move, Mr. al-Sahhaf replied, "That gangster b.a.s.t.a.r.d will meet with a fiery doom of his own making."

OBESITY MAY BE AMERICA'S SECRET WEAPON IN WAR ON TERROR

Americans Taking Up More s.p.a.ce, Leaving Less for Evildoers Call it Survival of the Fattest. Obesity, long thought to be one of America's nagging problems, may be something else entirely-its secret weapon in the war on terror.

A new study out today offers evidence that as America grows fatter, it may actually offer a stiffer challenge to terrorists who wish to infiltrate the U.S. for nefarious purposes.

"The average American today is between fifty and seventy pounds overweight," said Dr. Charles Reardon, author of the study. "That means that a terrorist who hopes to fit in here would have to eat like a pig to do so."

Terrorists (pictured above) now have to gain between 100 and 150 extra pounds to successfully infiltrate the U.S. population, experts say.

The end result, Dr. Reardon said, is that any terrorist trying to pa.s.s himself off as an obese American would wind up in terrible cardiovascular shape, making him easier for law enforcement to chase in a foot race.

"We're going to be looking at a whole new generation of flabby, easily winded terrorists," Dr. Reardon said.

In addition, tougher restrictions on obese pa.s.sengers by such airlines as Southwest-who requires that obese flyers buy two seats instead of one-will have the effect of "crowding out" would-be terrorists.

"All in all, Americans are taking up more room, leaving less room for evildoers," Dr. Reardon said.

Dr. Reardon said he hoped that the results of the survey would convince Americans that eating more and exercising less were their patriotic duties.

The study, which was the culmination of six months of intensive research, was commissioned by the Frito Lay Company in conjunction with Kentucky Fried Chicken.

KIM'S BLOG Not a day goes by that Bush or Cheney or Rice or some other imperialist stooge accuses me of starving my people. Even Colin Powell took his best shot at yours truly, telling reporters, "You can't eat plutonium."

Well, all I can say to that is, don't say you can't do something if you've never tried it. I keep a chunk of plutonium in my fridge, and when I'm looking for a little midnight snack it's usually the first thing I grab, and not just because it glows in the dark-it's darn tasty.

But I guess what really honks me off about the "starving my people" business is that in America they're doing just the opposite: feeding their people to death! The average McDonald's meal has enough calories to feed an average North Korean family for three years, and longer than that if you throw in a McFlurry.

I think it's highly ironic that America, with its wall-to-wall Trimspa, Atkins and Bowflex infomercials would take me to task for keeping the people of North Korea thin and trim, but go figure. Like so much else in my relations with the U.S., their att.i.tude toward me can be boiled down to one word: envy. All I can say is, don't hate the player, hate the game.

BUSH MAY LACK GENE FOR HUMAN SPEECH.

President Has No Comment A team of genetic scientists stunned the world today by revealing that President George W. Bush may lack the gene necessary for human speech.

The scientists, who had been studying the genetic differences between humans and chimps, made the discovery about the President almost by accident, a spokesman for the group said.

"We happened to be looking at the blood work from the President's recent physical," said the spokesman, Dr. Alvin Kunen of the University of Minnesota. "We found extremely high pota.s.sium levels, indicating a banana-rich diet rarely found in humans."

Prompted by the banana clue, scientists probed the President's DNA further and found "no evidence" of the gene that enables humans to speak.

From the White House, the President had no comment.

But even as some in the administration angrily questioned the scientists' findings-arguing that the President often said things-Dr. Kunen said that many nonhuman primates were capable of producing basic, "speech-like" utterances.

"In our experiments, we were able to teach a female baboon named Bonny to say such things as 'tax cut,' 'evildoer,' and 'regime change,'" Dr. Kunen said. "This should not be confused with actual human speech."

Scientists believe they have found a genetic explanation for the President's inability to create human speech.

In a related finding, the scientists said that former President Bill Clinton possessed an "abnormal double-gene" for human speech, meaning that it was "virtually impossible to get him to shut up."

Mr. Clinton's DNA was culled during his second term in office, when the former President's genetic material was widely disseminated.

$87 BILLION FOR IRAQ SPENT IN FIRST TWO DAYS.

Additional $87 Billion Sought Two days after Congress granted the White House $87 billion for continuing operations in Iraq, the White House revealed that the money had been completely spent over the weekend.

"We are, quite frankly, disappointed that the eighty-seven billion dollars did not last a little longer," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "Having said that, we are confident that the next $87 billion will be money well spent."

Mr. McClellan added that the White House would seek an additional $87 billion to fund continuing operations in Iraq through next Wednesday.

The White House, antic.i.p.ating criticism from congressional Democrats, conceded today that Iraq was turning out to be more expensive than first estimated, but blamed the exorbitant price tag on the high cost of food service at Baghdad International Airport.

"Currently, a cheese sandwich and a Pepsi at Baghdad International cost twenty-eight dollars," Mr. McClellan said, adding that the airport's food service providers, the Halliburton Company, were working hard to bring those costs down.

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry (D-Ma.s.s.) today blasted the two-day expenditure of $87 billion, telling reporters in New Hamps.h.i.+re, "Given the way this has turned out, I am fairly certain that I would change my vote on the appropriations bill, if I could remember which way I voted on it."

On NBC's Meet the Press, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice urged approval of the additional eighty-seven billion dollars in funding, arguing, "Not providing another $87 billion would make a mockery of the $87 billion we just spent."

On other matters, Dr. Rice added that the U.S. had no intention of invading North Korea, but said that verbally threatening North Korea remained a viable and less expensive option.

Privately, President Bush acknowledged that he was "surprised" that the $87 billion for Iraq did not last longer than two days.

CHENEY EXPANDING EVEN FASTER THAN ECONOMY.

Creates 20,000 Jobs for Halliburton in Last Quarter The White House had yet another piece of good economic news to trumpet over the weekend, announcing that Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney expanded even faster than the U.S. economy in the quarter just ended.

"Our economic policy, including our program of tax cuts for the highest income brackets, have resulted in the most dramatic expansion of a Vice President in U.S. history," President Bush said in his weekly radio address on Sat.u.r.day.

While President Bush acknowledged that many Americans had yet to reap positive benefits from Mr. Cheney's explosive growth, he said that it was only a matter of time before the Vice President's surging wealth trickled down to the rest of the country.

According to figures released by the White House, Vice President Cheney expanded at a torrid 11.2 percent rate in the last quarter, creating over 20,000 new jobs, most of them for the Halliburton Company.

While economists expressed amazement at Mr. Cheney's unprecedented growth rate, however, some doubted that his dramatic expansion could be sustained.

But Charles Donner, chief economist for Credit Suisse First Boston, predicted that the quarter will also be strong for the Vice President, with the completion of an oil and gas pipeline leading directly from the former Soviet republic of Uzbekistan directly into Mr. Cheney himself.

Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney is on a pace to become the world's largest economy, latest numbers indicate.

"With the completion of that pipeline, d.i.c.k Cheney will become the second-largest economy in the world," Mr. Donner said.

GE STILL PAYING FOR RETIRED CEO'S CRACK, HO'S

Jack Welch's Posse Swells to 400 In the latest tale of CEO greed to hit Wall Street, outraged investors learned today that General Electric is still paying for former CEO Jack Welch's crack, ho's and 400-homie-strong posse.

The revelations, which appeared in divorce papers filed by estranged wife Jane Welch, drew howls from corporate governance watchdogs.

"It may have been appropriate for GE to foot the bill for Welch's crack, ho's and posse while he was still running the company," said Peter Kenney of the Inst.i.tute for Corporate Responsibility. "But certainly not in retirement."

Mr. Kenney was especially critical of the size of Welch's retirement posse, which he termed "extraordinary" even by Fortune 500 standards.

"A retired CEO really should be able to get by with twenty or thirty homies at most," Mr. Kenney said.

But for his part, Mr. Welch was unrepentant, appearing at a press conference with his wife, former Harvard Business Review editor Suzy Wetlaufer, and his 400-member posse, decked out in Prada suits and expensive designer eyegla.s.ses.

"I represent honies with money fly guys with gems," Welch said, adding, "Drive with the tints that be thirty-five percent."

The outcry about Welch's retirement perks came amid revelations that his West Coast rival. Bill Gates, had just increased the size of his posse to 500.

Former General Electric CEO Jack Welch defended retirement benefits that include crack, ho's, and a bloated posse of fly guys.

The swelling size of the two corporate honchos' posses raised fears among many in the financial community about a potentially volatile East Coast-West Coast confrontation between the CEOs, their homies, and money fly guys with gems.

COPYCAT MINERS TRAP SELVES FOR MOVIE DEAL.

Hoping for Heroic Rescue, 10 Percent of the Gross Apparently inspired by the impressive sums that Hollywood has offered the rescued miners in western Pennsylvania, a group of nine miners in western Indiana have intentionally trapped themselves in a mine in the hopes of scoring a movie deal.