The Borowitz Report Part 5

In addition, the President said, "In a democratic Iraq, those who choose to voice their dissent by protesting will be recognized and listened to, not derided and ignored."

While President Bush stopped short of saying that an Iraqi-style democracy could take root in the U.S. in the near future, he added hopefully, "You never know-it could happen."

Iraq could be a test case to determine whether democracy might eventually flourish in the U.S., Bush believes.

Immediately following his speech, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer tempered Mr. Bush's remarks somewhat, saying that the President "was speaking metaphorically" about the prospects for democracy in the United States.

"The President does in fact believe that democracy will come to the United States after the war is over," Mr. Fleischer said, "but not a moment sooner."

O.J. NO LONGER "100 PERCENT SURE" HE IS INNOCENT

Calls Johnnie Cochran's Recent Statements "Thought-Provoking"

Days after former O. J. Simpson defense attorney Johnnie Cochran admitted he is no longer 100 percent certain that his client was innocent, Mr. Simpson today said that his attorney had planted "fresh seeds of doubt" in his own mind.

"For years, I've been pretty sure that I did not murder my wife," Mr. Simpson said today at a golf course in Boca Raton, Florida, where he was taking a rare break from searching for the real killers of his wife. "But if Johnnie's not 100 percent sure, I'm like, hey, maybe I better take another look at this."

Mr. Simpson added that it would be "crazy" not to be swayed by Mr. Cochran's new statements, which he called "thought-provoking."

"Look, you're talking about a guy, Johnnie Cochran, who is a pretty smart guy," Mr. Simpson said. "If he said maybe I did it, then maybe I did it."

Mr. Cochran's doubts about Mr. Simpson's innocence may help resolve one lingering mystery for the former Heisman Trophy winner: why it has been so difficult for him to find his wife's real killers, whom he pledged to hunt down after his acquittal in 1995.

The former NFL star said that, in light of the new revelations, he may slow down his search, which he said has occupied almost every waking moment of his life for the past seven years.

Attorney Johnnie Cochran's comments have former NFL star O. J. Simpson (pictured) wondering if he might be guilty after all.

"If it turns out that I'm actually the one who did it, then looking for the real killers would be a big old waste of time," Mr. Simpson said.

JOURNALIST EMBEDDED WITH FOX NEWS.

a.s.signed to Cover "Fair and Balanced" Network for Duration of War As part of an experimental new program initiated by the Defense Department, a journalist has been embedded with the FOX News Network, giving him unique access to the "fair and balanced" network for the duration of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

David Peterson, a reporter for the Akron Beacon Journal, will be the only journalist living, working and eating with Fox News staffers in the weeks to come.

Mr. Peterson said that although he felt very much "like an outsider" at the beginning of his stint with Fox News, he said that a mutual respect has grown between him and his hosts.

"I think at first it was weird for them to have a journalist around," Mr. Peterson said.

Mr. Peterson said that he does his best to stay out of the way of his Fox News comrades, adding, "They have their job to do and I have mine."

While the veteran journalist sail he was excited about being embeded with Fox News, he admitted that his first days at the news channel had provided him with more than a few hair-raising moments.

"You can prepare all you want to be embedded at Fox News, but until you're in the thick of it, you have no idea how scary a place Fox News can be," Mr. Peterson said.

The journalist added that even with the unfettered access he has been given to Fox News, the news channel has been careful to protect him from situations that it deems too dangerous.

"I'm not allowed to talk to Bill O'Reilly when he's in the makeup chair," he said.

A journalist said that being embedded on Fox News programs like Fox & Friends was a "scary and lonely" experience.

TERROR STATUS REDUCED TO YELLOW; RIDGE URGES AMERICANS TO BUY SCOTCH TAPE.

New Tobacco and Alcohol Consumption Guidelines Released for Code Yellow The Department of Homeland Security reduced the nation's terror alert status from Orange to Yellow today, with Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge urging all Americans to stock up on Scotch tape rather than duct tape and to immediately destroy half the amount of water and food they keep in their homes.

"Under Code Yellow, sealing a room in your house with Scotch tape will do the trick," Mr. Ridge said. "And if you run out of tape before you're done, don't lose any sleep over it."

Mr. Ridge also gave a complete list of tobacco and alcohol guidelines for Code Yellow, urging Americans to cut back to two packs of cigarettes a day and one forty-ounce can of malt liquor before lunch.

In addition, Mr. Ridge said, Americans who have been irritably snapping at their spouses during Code Orange may now merely give them dirty looks and subject them to long, stony silences.

While the government said that the reduction in terror alert status came about because of a reduction in terrorist chatter in recent days, Professor Daniel Rutledge, chairman of the Department of Terrorist Chatter Studies at the University of Minnesota, disagrees with this a.s.sessment.

"Terrorist chatter always goes down at the end of the month," Dr. Rutledge said. "Al-Qaeda operatives are on a Friends and Extremists cellphone plan, which only gives them one thousand free minutes to make terror threats each month."

Americans rushed to buy Scotch tape after Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge (pictured) issued his latest recommendation.

KIM'S BLOG One thing I don't understand about America-besides the lingering popularity of Whoopi Goldberg-is the Department of Homeland Security. Where did they dig up this Tom Ridge dude, that's what I'd like to know. Think about it-his main job, really, is to make Americans feel more secure. When I look at Tom Ridge, I'm like, who was their second choice for this job, a startled deer?

If I lived in America, I'd go out and buy duct tape and plastic sheeting, seal off a room in my house-and every time Tom Ridge came on TV, I would go into that room.

I've had a slightly different approach to homeland security in North Korea. I've told all of our citizens that in the event of an attack, they are to get out of their homes and run around outside in circles, like ants pouring out of an anthill that's just been smashed with a big stick.

This strategy has two main purposes. First, people who are running around in circles like ants make really tricky targets. And second, if you're being attacked, running around in circles gives you something else to occupy your mind.

Meanwhile, I'll be 9,000 feet underground in my emergency bunker, waiting for the excitement to die down. I've got enough DVDs and foodstuffs to last until 2035. Bring it on!

BUSH: WAR, MADONNA OFFICIALLY OVER.

But Critics a.s.sail Post-Madonna Planning In a nationally broadcast address last night, President George W. Bush p.r.o.nounced the war in Iraq, as well as the singer-actress Madonna, officially over.

"The war in Iraq is over," the President simply stated, "and so is Madonna."

While Mr. Bush acknowledged that Madonna still had "pockets of listeners," he added that even they would soon disperse after listening to her new CD, American Life.

Around the globe, millions who had lived under the yoke of Madonna for the last twenty years poured out into the streets in spontaneous celebrations.

Customers at Tower Records on London's fabled Oxford Street tore down a life-sized cardboard cutout of the erstwhile "Material Girl" before repeatedly throwing their shoes at it.

But even as euphoria over the end of Madonna's reign spread from hemisphere to hemisphere, Dr. David Henner, who studies annoying celebrities at the University of Minnesota, cautioned that little or no thought had been given to what might eventually replace Madonna.

"In a worst-case scenario, her sudden departure could be setting the stage for Kelly Osbourne or Kelly Clarkson or some other Kelly we don't even know about yet," Dr. Henner said.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: Former "Material Girl" Madonna is officially over, the President announced.

CHIRAC CALLS FOR AN END TO FRENCH JOKES.

Bush Blasts Proposal as "Premature"

French President Jacques Chirac today called for an "immediate cessation" of jokes about France now that the active combat phase in Iraq had concluded.

In an impa.s.sioned speech to the United Nations Security Council, Mr. Chirac said that if the time had come to lift sanctions against Iraq, "then it is also time to stop calling the French 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys.'" In addition, Mr. Chirac asked the U.S. to reverse its decision to rename French fries "Freedom fries," arguing that the derisive renaming of that popular delicacy was currently costing France billions of euros in royalties every week.

In his most emotional appeal, Mr. Chirac asked that the U.S. stop referring to the French as "weasels" and refrain from gratuitous references to France's inexplicable love affair with the actors Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rourke.

"Get over it!" Mr. Chirac roared.

But Mr. Chirac's speech may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, where President Bush today characterized the French President's request as "premature."

"The United States has no timetable for stopping making fun of the French," Mr. Bush said. "We'll stop ridiculing the French when we're good and ready, and not one day sooner."

When told of Mr. Bush's statement, Mr. Chirac sighed deeply and said, "I give up," to which Mr. Bush replied, chuckling, "Of course he gives up-he's French."

French President Jacques Chirac (middle) argued that jokes about France are no longer appropriate now that major combat operations in Iraq have concluded.

KIM'S BLOG Let me talk for a second about that whole "Freedom fries" hoo-hah.

As you'll probably recall, in the run-up to the Iraq war, France decided not to support the U.S. (and if that surprised you, you're probably surprised by the plot twists on The O.C., too). So some wise guy in the congressional cafeteria decided to rename French fries "Freedom fries," which led to all kinds of other, equally clever "Freedom" names. Freedom toast, Freedom kisses-it was a lot of fun for a while there! Only problem was, we here in North Korea felt a little left out.

Then it occurred to me-I don't have anything against the French, but I sure as h.e.l.l have a problem with America, so why don't I rename things that have the word "American" in them? And so I did, replacing the word "American" with "Bite My a.s.s."

What this meant was, at our cafeteria in Pyongyang, all of a sudden we had "Bite My a.s.s Cheese Sandwich" on the menu. In the local movie theater, Bite My a.s.s Pie 2 was showing. We redid the Lenny Kravitz version of "American Woman" so it went "Bite My a.s.s Woman." I have neyer laughed so hard in my life.

A few weeks later I got an angry letter from the American emba.s.sy in South Korea-I guess they were none too pleased about my little renaming thing. So I sent them a very apologetic letter, but I addressed it to-check it out-"The Bite My a.s.s Emba.s.sy, Seoul, South Korea."

I know, "real mature," but I couldn't help myself.

WINONA RYDER RETURNS IRAQI ARTIFACTS.

World's Oldest Vase Found in Actress's Saks Bag Actress Winona Ryder returned a trove of priceless Iraqi artifacts to the National Museum of Iraq today, apologizing for taking part in a wanton looting spree two weeks ago.

Ms. Ryder's role in the looting of Iraqi's national treasures had gone unnoticed until earlier this week, when U.S. officials reviewing security camera footage from the museum saw the actress moving suspiciously through the galleries with an oversized Saks Fifth Avenue shopping bag.

"We were looking at the tapes, and all of a sudden I was like, there's the chick from Mr. Deeds," one military official said.

The military investigators took extra time to ascertain that the person on the tape was in fact Ms. Ryder and not one of several body doubles she routinely uses to distract department store security guards.

Using various intelligence leads, the U.S. was able to track Ms. Ryder to the southern city of Basra, where she was found living in an apartment chock full of Iraqi antiquities, including what is believed to be "the world's oldest vase," according to CENTCOM spokesman Vincent Brooks.

After apologizing for taking part in the looting of Iraq's National Museum, Ms. Ryder back backtracked somewhat, saying that she was merely researching a role for an upcoming film in which she plays "a crazy actress who keeps changing her story."

U.S. officials were reportedly pleased that actress Winona Ryder (pictured) agreed to return priceless Sumerian artifacts to the National Museum of Iraq.

BUSH TO PHASE OUT ENVIRONMENT BY 2004.