The Borowitz Report Part 2

"I think the international community knows that when the President says 'nucular' he means 'nuclear,'" Mr. Fleischer said. "We challenge Saddam to prove that he does not have any of the weapons that President Bush may have misp.r.o.nounced last night."

Mr. Bush's State of the Union address drew support from an unlikely quarter today, as n.o.bel Peace Prize-winner Jimmy Carter announced that he "completely agreed" with the President's p.r.o.nunciation of the word "nucular."

"Back when I was President, I often gave speeches about nucular energy, and everybody always knew what I was talking about," Mr. Carter said. "I think people should back off."

YOU SAY "NUCULAR": The White House believes Saddam Hussein is using the President's p.r.o.nunciation of "nucular" to avoid revealing a ma.s.sive weapons cache.

In other international p.r.o.nunciation news, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain split with President Bush today over his p.r.o.nunciation of the words "tomato" and "banana."

While Mr. Blair indicated that he and Mr. Bush had "a serious difference of opinion" about how "tomato" and "banana" were p.r.o.nounced, he said it would in no way affect Britain's support of a U.S.-led attack on Iraq.

IT'S SPLITSVILLE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE AND HER b.r.e.a.s.t.s

Actress, Chest Part Company, Citing "Creative Differences"

In a move that surprised many in Hollywood in the wake of the smash summer blockbuster Tomb Raider, Angelina Jolie and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s announced today that they would no longer work together, citing "creative differences" as the reason for their split.

While official spokesmen for Ms. Jolie and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s publicly described the split as "amicable," insiders indicated that it was in fact a bitter parting, the inevitable result of rivalries growing out of the Tomb Raider success.

"It bothered Angelina that her b.r.e.a.s.t.s got better reviews than she did, but she was willing to swallow her pride and continue working with them," said Skip Winston, a longtime Hollywood press agent. "This thing was a hundred percent the b.r.e.a.s.t.s' decision."

Others in the industry agreed with Winston's a.s.sessment. "There was a feeling that people were hiring Angelina just as a way of getting to work with her b.r.e.a.s.t.s," said talent agent Herb Schlantz. "From what I've heard, the b.r.e.a.s.t.s were getting tired of carrying her."

Now that the split is official, there has been no word about what the b.r.e.a.s.t.s' next project will be, but there are already signs that there is "trouble in paradise," as one insider put it.

"Apparently, the left breast is slightly larger than the right breast," the insider said, "and the left breast feels that should be reflected in the billing."

As of press time, there was no confirmation of the rumors that the b.r.e.a.s.t.s were planning a split-up of their own in order to pursue solo careers.

Ms. Jolie's b.r.e.a.s.t.s could not be reached for comment.

Ms. Jolie and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, in happier times.

WEALTHIEST .00001 PERCENT PRAISE BUSH ECONOMIC PACKAGE.

At Annual Gathering in Geneva, 29 Richest Americans Give Plan Big Thumbs-Up President Bush's newly unveiled economic stimulus package drew raves today from the wealthiest .00001 percent of Americans, who p.r.o.nounced the plan "a total home run."

"When we first heard about the plan, we were like, this is too good to be true," said multibillionaire Thurston Howell IV, a spokesman for the richest .00001 percent. "But when our butlers read the plan aloud to us during the c.o.c.ktail hour, we were incredibly stoked."

The twenty-nine plutocrats who make up the nation's wealthiest .00001 percent were at their annual meeting at Mr. Howell's villa in Geneva, Switzerland, when news of the President's plan was first released.

The super-rich believe that the Bush tax package could transform them into the super-duper-rich.

"Bill Gates and Warren Buffett were the first to hear about it, and then the news just kind of trickled down, if I may use a favorite phrase of ours," Mr. Howell said.

Mr. Howell added that the elimination of all Federal taxes on dividends would provide much-needed relief to him and the other twenty-eight wealthiest Americans, who have been "struggling to make ends meet on our dividends alone."

"The President deserves credit for recognizing what the wealthiest .00001 percent have known for years," Mr. Howell said. "It's well-nigh impossible to maintain a dozen households around the world, stable after stable of racehorses and a fleet of private jets if your dividends are being taxed."

Mr. Howell differed with the President only in one minor detail-the theory that the new round of tax cuts would stimulate spending by the wealthiest Americans.

"Anyone who thinks we're going to spend more just doesn't know how the wealthiest .00001 percent thinks," Howell said. "We're stingy f.u.c.ks."

NEW TAPE MAY MEAN AL GORE IS ALIVE.

Intelligence a.n.a.lysts Studying Chilling Today Show Appearance A videotape purporting to show former Vice President Al Gore appearing on NBC's Today show with Katie Couric to promote a new book is the strongest evidence to date that Mr. Gore may be alive, intelligence sources said today.

While the former Democratic standard-bearer had been virtually invisible since the 2000 election, leading many to believe that he had disappeared for good, the Today show tape offered chilling proof that he may in fact be alive and could be threatening to run for President again.

U.S. intelligence a.n.a.lysts were said to be closely examining the tape to determine if the person sitting on Ms. Couric's couch is in fact Mr. Gore, but were withholding a final verdict until further a.n.a.lysis could be performed.

"The person on the tape could very well be Al Gore," said a source familiar with the videotape. "On the other hand, it could also be a full-sized wooden puppet painted to resemble Al Gore."

The source said that the process of authenticating the tape was made more difficult by the fact that it is "almost impossible" to tell the difference between Mr. Gore and a full-sized wooden puppet, the chief difference being that a wooden puppet is "slightly more animated."

A chilling new tape features a man who looks much like former Vice President Al Gore (right), suggesting that Mr. Gore may be alive, as some have feared.

Intelligence a.n.a.lysts are comparing the Today show tape to tapes of Mr. Gore's 2000 debates to determine if in fact Mr. Gore is alive, as some Democratic strategists fear he may be.

"What's tricky about this is that after looking at the tapes of the debates, it's not clear that Al Gore was alive back in 2000, either," the source said.

KIM'S BLOG We've got a little joke around the office in Pyongyang. When somebody does something really loser-y, instead of going "Loser!" we'll go "Al Gore!" Like most jokes, this one has the element of truth, which is why it's so funny.

I mean, really, how do you get more votes than the other guy and still wind up not getting elected? To me, this is a pretty good reason for not having any elections at all (like I needed a reason!!).

Every now and then, though, my political advisors tell me that running for election in North Korea would be a good thing, politically. I mean, I know everybody loves me and all, but it would be awesome to have the numbers to prove it. The only thing that's stopped me so far has been that one nagging question: "What if I wind up like Al Gore, and get the most votes, but still lose?"

That's when I had a brainstorm: if I ever run for President of North Korea, I'll run against Al Gore! I don't think it's physically possible to lose an election to Al Gore-it defies all the laws of the universe.

I guess there's always a remote chance that Al Gore would beat me somehow, but if he did, I'd just explode a nuclear bomb on his head. I'm all for experimenting with democracy, but I'm not nuts.

MICROSOFT BUYS Ma.s.sACHUSETTS.

State to be Renamed "Microchusetts"

Software giant Microsoft bought the entire Commonwealth of Ma.s.sachusetts today, thus removing the last remaining obstacle to its ant.i.trust settlement with the U.S. Justice Department.

In a statement released today at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Was.h.i.+ngton, company cofounders William Gates and Steven Ballmer confirmed that they had purchased Ma.s.sachusetts "lock, stock and barrel" for $17.2 billion, which is believed to be the state's breakup value.

"We are looking forward to integrating Ma.s.sachusetts into our operations and making this historic state a vibrant part of the Microsoft family," the statement read, adding that the state will now be known as "Microchusetts."

In Ma.s.sachusetts, Microsoft is purchasing a state with a storied past, beginning with its role as one of the original thirteen colonies of what was eventually to become the United States of America.

But it is also buying the only state that had appealed the Justice Department's landmark ant.i.trust settlement with Microsoft, an appeal that is likely to be dropped now.

Former Ma.s.sachusetts Attorney General Tom Reilly, who was personally given his walking papers by Mr. Ballmer late Sat.u.r.day night, cautioned that Microsoft's acquisition of Ma.s.sachusetts "doesn't pa.s.s the smell test."

But while some legal experts believe that the acquisition of a major U.S. state may create new ant.i.trust woes for the software giant, Gates and Ballmer hope to appease Justice Department lawyers by spinning off the Boston Red Sox, a franchise in which the Microsoft cofounders are said to have "no interest" in retaining.

Across the state today, citizens seemed to be taking Ma.s.sachusetts' evolution from a U.S. state to a division of Microsoft in stride.

"We'll probably have better dental," one Ma.s.sachusetts resident said.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates tells shareholders that the company has completed its controversial acquisition of the Commonwealth of Ma.s.sachusetts.

CHENEY, BRIEFLY a.s.sUMING BUSH'S DUTIES, SAYS HE ENJOYED THE DOWNTIME

President's Colon Procedure Offered Welcome Break from Grueling Vice Presidential Schedule Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney, having briefly a.s.sumed President Bush's duties while the President underwent a routine colon procedure on Sat.u.r.day, told reporters today that he "enjoyed the downtime immensely."

The two hours and fifteen minutes spent doing Bush's job were "incredibly relaxing," Mr. Cheney said, adding that they were a welcome relief from his exacting vice presidential schedule.

Invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the Const.i.tution Sat.u.r.day morning, Mr. Bush transferred to Mr. Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Mr. Cheney spent Sat.u.r.day jogging, going to the gym, and hitting a ball for Mr. Bush's dog to retrieve.

In addition, Mr. Cheney called the nations of East Timor and Luxembourg "evil," stumbling briefly over the p.r.o.nunciation of Luxembourg.

Finally, as Mr. Bush's colon procedure was winding down, Mr. Cheney made some remarks about the j.a.panese economy, mistakenly using the word "devaluation" instead of "deflation," sending the Nikkei stock market into a tailspin.

All in all, Mr. Cheney said he emerged from his brief tenure as President rested and refreshed, ready to plunge back into his demanding vice presidential workload.

As for the President, Mr. Bush's doctors p.r.o.nounced his procedure a success, but said that they were having difficulty determining whether or not the President's anesthesia had fully worn off.

Mr. Bush's doctors indicated that when they asked the President the standard postoperative questions-such as "What is the capital of the United States?"-Mr. Bush got only two out of five correct.

"Before the operation, he got three out of five right," one doctor said.

Mr. Cheney called his time a.s.suming the President's duties "a much-needed rest."

MAN, 37, SEES MONA LISA SMILE.

Suffered No Lasting Damage, Medical Expert Says An Indiana man who had intended to see the Russell Crowe adventure film Master and Commander last Sat.u.r.day night accidentally bought a ticket to the Julia Roberts chick-flick Mona Lisa Smile instead and watched the movie until its conclusion, sources close to the man revealed today.

Brian Hogan, 37, of Gary, Indiana, is believed to be the only man in America who has actually sat through the Mona Lisa film in its entirety.

Friends of Mr. Hogan said that being subjected to the soapy tearjerker was "a scarring experience" for the tool-and-die sales rep, who had been looking forward to celebrating his birthday Sat.u.r.day night by watching a movie with a lot of things blowing up in it.

There is little in the medical literature doc.u.menting the effects of a three-hanky film on a man's health, says Dr. Harold Crone of the University of Minnesota Medical School.

"There is only one famous case, that of a man who accidentally wandered into a showing of the Barbra Streisand film The Way We Were, in 1973," says Dr. Crone. "In that case, there was no lasting medical damage, and the man went on to perform a very successful cabaret act."

Dr. Crone said that the worst-case scenario for Mr. Hogan would be that his body might undergo "slight changes," as if he had accidentally ingested a small amount of female hormones.

At press time, Mr. Hogan was refusing to answer reporters' questions, saying only that he was "hurt and upset" that they had forgotten his birthday.

Exposure to Julia Roberts films such as Mona Lisa Smile may have no lasting hormonal effects on men, medical experts say.

FBI ORDERS "WHILE-YOU-WERE-OUT" MESSAGE PADS