The Borowitz Report Part 12

With a towering budget deficit plaguing California, many observers in Sacramento were surprised that Mr. Schwarzenegger would name fake b.r.e.a.s.t.s the most worrisome problem on his agenda.

But the Governor today declared his commitment to cracking down on what he called California's "fake breast epidemic," naming himself California's "breast inspector-in-chief."

Mr. Schwarzenegger then led a team of breast inspectors through southern California's San Fernando Valley, which the Governor has derided as "Silicone Valley" in recent speeches.

Wearing a baseball cap reading FAKE BREAST INSPECTOR #1, Governor Schwarzenegger pounded on doors, shouting, "This is your Governor! Show me your b.r.e.a.s.t.s!" causing many residents to bolt their doors and phone the authorities.

While opposition groups howled that the fake-breast-implant-inspection regime was improper and might even be unconst.i.tutional, the Governor remained undaunted.

"We just need more time," Mr. Schwarzenegger said. "The inspections are working."

HASTA LA VISTA TO IMPLANTS: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vows to have a hands-on role in the state's ambitious program of breast implant inspections.

INTERROGATORS SHOW SADDAM "TRISTA AND RYAN'S WEDDING"

Rumsfeld Defends Tactics U.S. interrogators are pressuring Saddam Hussein to cooperate with them by repeatedly showing him ABC's two-hour wedding special featuring Bachelorette's Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter, the Pentagon acknowledged today.

News of the Pentagon's use of "Trista and Ryan's Wedding" rippled through international human rights circles today, with some watchdog groups claiming that showing certain reality programs to prisoners of war could be in violation of the Geneva Conventions.

"Watching Trista marry Ryan once is punishment, but watching it six, seven times in a row may in fact const.i.tute torture," said Dr. Josef Claire, a leading human rights activist based in Brussels.

At a press briefing in Was.h.i.+ngton, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said that showing Saddam the video of the Rehn-Sutter nuptials was "something we did not enter into lightly."

"Is forcing someone to watch 'Trista and Ryan's Wedding' cruel? Yes," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "But I submit to you: so is Saddam Hussein."

In addition to defending the use of the excruciating wedding special, the Defense Secretary refused to rule out playing Clay Aiken's new CD to the Iraqi madman "over and over again until he screams."

Images like this may be used to "torture" former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, human rights activists fear.

"If I may remind you, gentlemen," he said, "we are at war."

In other Saddam news, the owner of the farm in Tikrit where the Iraqi strongman was captured objected to the media's characterization of the dictator's hiding place as a "hole."

"You try to rent out a place that everybody and his uncle is calling a hole," the farmer said. "Okay, it's not roomy, but it would be perfect for a young couple starting out."

TREASURY SECRETARY RIPPED FOR "FRIGGIN' BANANA REPUBLIC" REMARKS

White House Apologizes for O'Neill's Ricky Ricardo Imitation Continuing his difficult tour of Latin America, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill apologized to Argentina's President Eduardo Duhalde today for remarks in which O'Neill called Argentina "a friggin' banana republic."

Secretary O'Neill's controversial comments, made to reporters as his plane touched down in Argentina, were as follows: "Lend money to Argentina? No way! I'm not giving one thin dime to that friggin' banana republic."

Mr. O'Neill later characterized the remarks as "insensitive" and offered the cash-strapped Latin American nation $30 billion in loan guarantees to make amends.

But right after his meeting with President Duhalde, the Treasury Secretary turned to reporters and said, "Well, that's thirty bill down the drain. I'll bet old Duhalde just goes out dancing with a bowl of fruit on his head."

After his bowl-of-fruit remarks created a furor in Latin American circles, Secretary O'Neill apologized once again and granted Argentina another $30 billion worth of loan relief.

But upon boarding the plane to leave Argentina, Mr. O'Neill fanned the flames of controversy yet again, saying he did a "killer imitation" of President Duhalde, launching into a performance reminiscent of a hotheaded tirade by the Ricky Ricardo character on the old I Love Lucy television series.

Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill's overactive piehole may have cost taxpayers billions during his recent Latin American tour, administration insiders worry.

By the time the day was over, the U.S. had pledged over $90 billion in loan guarantees to Argentina to apologize for Mr. O'Neill's various missteps, leaving many White House aides frustrated by the Treasury Secretary's penchant for costly faux pas.

"Every time O'Neill opens his piehole, it costs the taxpayers another thirty billion dollars," one aide groused.

POLL: SOCCER MOMS FEEL TAKEN FOR GRANTED BY NASCAR DADS.

NASCAR Dads Accuse Soccer Moms of "Nagging"

According to a survey of two key const.i.tuencies in the 2004 presidential race, soccer moms feel that they are being "taken for granted" by NASCAR dads, while NASCAR dads wish that soccer moms would "stop their nagging already."

The poll, conducted by the Crandall Public Opinion Inst.i.tute at the University of Minnesota, shows that 70 percent of soccer moms agree with the statement, "These NASCAR dads are not the NASCAR dads we married."

Additionally, 63 percent of the soccer moms feel that NASCAR dads are spending "too much time" being courted by presidential candidates and "not enough time" performing such basic household tasks as carpooling, taking out the garbage, and raking leaves.

For their part, 82 percent of NASCAR dads surveyed in the poll said they had had "just about enough" of the soccer moms' complaining.

Even more tellingly, 100 percent agreed with the statement "I would rather go to a NASCAR race than sit around listening to this c.r.a.p."

Ominously, an equal percentage of soccer moms agreed with the statement "Fine, but don't expect me to be here when you get back."

Dr. David Givens, who conducted the survey for the University of Minnesota, said that soccer moms may once again mobilize as a political force in 2004, but added, "There's an equal chance that they may just go home to their mothers."

Warning that "h.e.l.l hath no fury like a soccer mom scorned," Dr. Givens said that the soccer moms' anger at the NASCAR dads may wind up benefiting two other key const.i.tuencies, handsome pool men and cable installers.

NAG, NAG, NAG: Relations between soccer moms (pictured, above) and NASCAR dads have never been more strained.

ASHCROFT URGES MILITARY TRIBUNAL FOR WHITE HOUSE TURKEY.

No Pardon for Gitmo-Bound Poultry U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft pressed President Bush to withhold the customary pre-Thanksgiving pardon for the White House turkey today, forcefully arguing that the bird should face a military tribunal at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo, Cuba.

FBI agents arrested the turkey moments before the traditional pardoning ceremony, taking it away in shackles as a busload of third-graders watched in horror.

The decision to detain the White House turkey at Gitmo surprised many in Was.h.i.+ngton who had expected the turkey to receive leniency from Mr. Bush.

But in a press conference at the Justice Department, Mr. Ashcroft said that there were "too many questions" hovering over the suspicious poultry to let it go free.

"We would very much like to know how he got on the White House lawn and what he intended to do while he was there," Mr. Ashcroft said.

The Attorney General added that, using powers granted by the Patriot Act, the Justice Department had placed the fowl under surveillance over eight months ago, eavesdropping on the turkey's conversations and following its movements on a twenty-four-hour basis.

Justice Department officials seize the White House turkey, which was later sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo, Cuba.

Mr. Ashcroft said that the Justice Department pounced on the turkey after noticing an increase in "suspicious chatter" from the bird over the past seventy-two hours.

"While I'm sure some would argue that it was merely innocuous gobbling, we were not prepared to take that risk," Mr. Ashcroft said.

Mr. Ashcroft used his press conference to wish all Americans a happy Thanksgiving, adding, "I may not be sitting at the same table as you, but I'll be listening."

IN POLICY s.h.i.+FT, U.S. PUTS IRAQ ON EBAY.

No Takers in First 24 Hours In what was seen as a marked s.h.i.+ft in American foreign policy, on Sunday the U.S. put the entire nation of Iraq up for sale on the Internet auction site eBay.

The decision to list the Middle Eastern nation on the popular auction site surprised many at the United Nations, where just days ago President George W Bush had made an impa.s.sioned plea for troops and money to help rebuild the war-torn country.

But Mr. Bush hinted at the policy s.h.i.+ft in his national radio address Sat.u.r.day, saying, "We are not occupiers nor liberators: we are highly motivated sellers."

French President Jacques Chirac was the first to notice the listing of Iraq on eBay Sunday morning, when the French leader logged on in search of some rare Edith Piaf recordings.

While surfing the auction site, Mr. Chirac noticed the listing for the oil-rich nation, with an asking price of $87 billion and a seller identified only as RUMMY55.

Jake Braswell, 39, a video-store clerk who regularly visits eBay in search of memorabilia from the seventies television series Battlestar Gallactica, said he had no intention of putting in a bid for Iraq, adding that he thought the listing itself was "misleading."

"No way is Iraq in 'mint condition,'" Mr. Braswell said.

Iraq has seen few takers since being listed on eBay, the White House confirmed.

ACE OF DIAMONDS IRKED BY NO. 4 RANKING.

Calls Uday, Qusay "Do-Nothings"

A bid Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti, the just-captured "ace of diamonds" from the former Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein, last night blasted his number-four status, arguing that he should rank higher than both Uday and Qusay Hussein in the infamous deck of cards.

"When the Americans told me I was number four, I practically fell out of my chair," Mr. Mahmud told CNN's Larry King during an hour-long interview. "What were they smoking when they put together these rankings?"

Mr. Mahmud attempted to portray himself as a victim of nepotism, claiming that the Hussein sons' role in Saddam's brutal dictators.h.i.+p had been "blown way out of proportion" and that the two aces were "do-nothings."

"So Uday goes and steals a billion dollars from an Iraqi bank," Mr. Mahmud said. "Larry, when you're one of Saddam's sons, that's like making a trip to an ATM."

As for Qusay Hussein, Mr. Mahmud offered an even more withering portrayal.

"As far as I can remember, Qusay spent all his time at the Presidential Palace playing with his Sony PlayStation and downloading movies over the Internet," Mr. Mahmud said. "If he's an ace, then I'm s...o...b..-Doo."

Less than an hour after Mr. Mahmud's controversial interview was broadcast, former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein came out swinging in defense of his sons on Access Hollywood.

"There's always a whiner in every organization, and in our brutal dictators.h.i.+p that was definitely Mahmud," Saddam said. "He's still mad that Qusay beat him out for Employee of the Month last November."

Among his complaints, Iraq's Ace of Diamonds says his face card makes him look "like a goon."

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS GORE'S ENDORs.e.m.e.nT OF DEAN

Transfers Nod to Bush in 5-4 Decision Just moments after former Vice President Al Gore endorsed former Vermont Governor Howard Dean for President in Harlem yesterday, the Supreme Court overturned his endors.e.m.e.nt by a 5-4 margin.