How To Disappear Completely Part 7

"She was asking my advice."

I waited for her to continue.

"She asked whether she should consider you lost or try to keep chasing you."

"What did you say?"

"Well, I told her that she needs to think about everything. She understands why you're so upset, but she still doesn't know if she's ready for all of thatmarriage and kids and family life. I told her that if she's not ready, then maybe she should start letting go because that's what she'd have to accept if she stayed with you."

"How very wise you sound, but somehow very biased."

"What do you expect? I really want us to work out, Josh. I'm afraid of how fast everything inside me has been elevated with you. But here I am, with the doors opening up at the penthouse and my toes are just over the edge. I'm just hesitantly waiting in the elevator, far enough out to keep the doors open."

She seemed surprised by her own words and I complimented her a.n.a.logy to myself, and I thought so did she.

"I know exactly how you feel," is all I could muster, unable to keep up with her wordplay.

"You should probably tell her something. Even if you just tell her that you need some s.p.a.ce for a while. Not that you want to break up, but just that you need some time to think about things and that maybe she should think about things as well. That could give you at least a little bit of license to entertain the idea of meeting someone."

I nodded pensively, running scenarios in my head.

"Josh. My worry is that after some time apart she'll come running back to you wanting to get married. What would you do then?"

"I hadn't even entertained that idea yet. I honestly don't know." I realized that it was my turn to repeat the words of the day, "So what now?" We both relaxed a little bit despite all of the absurdity and smiled with each other. "What do you say we try and forget about questions for a while and just have some fun? I'll talk with her soon. Ok?"

"Ok." She answered with a shy smile as she sat on my lap draping her arms around me as if I were a hero come to slay her inner dragon. "I'm sorry you found out like this," she whispered into my ear, "but I'm glad that you know now."

"I still can't quite share your enthusiasm, but I'm glad that it leaves us without secrets so early on."

Chapter 11.

It was a beautiful afternoon and we decided to go for a walk around the city. I never spent much time on the Cambridge side of town and so we walked towards Harvard Square. Things seemed pretty much back to normal between us as we strolled our way through the streets. The unusual thing about new relations.h.i.+ps is that they innately want to become grown-up relations.h.i.+ps as fast as they can. They do this by pulling you to learn everything you can about each other, even though the most exciting part about a new relations.h.i.+p is the mystery of who the other person is. Part of me wanted to put a limit on how much we learned about each other day by day. That way maybe we could keep our new car smell for a little longer. Few people have that much self-control and neither of us could help it so we spent most of the day finding out as much as we could about each other.

I had always wanted to go to the Museum of Useful Things, right near Harvard Square, but Allison could have cared less, so we never did. Though it turns out it's less of a museum and more of a store. Either way, it was great to check it out. Of course we trespa.s.sed onto Harvard's precious lawns and read excerpts of novels out loud to each other as if we were students critiquing the great works of our generation with self-proclaimed authority. We walked around the grounds of the great school, toying with the idea of sneaking into a cla.s.s to see what it was all about. At BU it would have been easy in most of the large cla.s.ses. Anyone could have just waltzed right in, sat in the back and gotten the same education (sans degree, of course) for free. Neither of us had the guts to actually try it, so we had to pretend like we belonged as we roamed the grounds with our chins slightly higher in the air than we'd normally hold them.

At the aptly named store Joie de Vivre, we checked out and played with all sorts of trinkets. Everyone there seemed to love everything in the store, but no one seemed to buy anything. They had novelty items that had no real use in daily life. Toys from older generations lined the shelves like unwanted older dogs surrounded by puppies in a pet store. They were fun to look at and play with for a minute, but no one really wanted to take them home. Even the children we saw played with something for a minute and then let it go like Zen masters dumping their artwork in the river after spending a year crafting it. I wondered how such a place stayed open.

As our feet got tired from all the walking, our bellies tapped us from the inside reminding us what time it was, so we decided to grab a table at Grendel's Den before planning our next move. The conversation of a young couple at the table next to us was wafting over to us mixed with the clang of their bracelets and their hipster jargonthe Bayside Ramblers were having a secret show at the House of Blues.

"Josh, did you hear that? I love them. Can we go?"

"Who are they?" I was not in the know.

"Are you kidding? They're like the next big thing around here. Where have you been?"

Apparently not in college going out all the time, I thought, but only said "I don't know."

"You would love them. They have such a great show."

"Sure, let's check it out. Did the grapevine tell us what time?"

"No, but I'm guessing late if they're headlining."

"Alright, well let's run by after dinner, get tickets, and then we'll go from there."

"Perfect." She smiled and like every other time, it made me smile a little bit in return.

We both had cheeseburgers, which were unbelievable. The burger was so big that I felt like the waiter had set me down on my knees in front of a cow, tucked a bib into my s.h.i.+rt, and left me with an "Enjoy!" A real gourmet burger just can't be beat. By the time we had finished eating, the place had filled up with a clever mix of hipsters, smart but stupid coeds, and alcohol. Many good times would be had in this place, I imagined. As we paid our bill and walked out the door, got a feeling of deja vu, but was tugged away briskly by the chilly evening.

There was already a small line forming outside the House of Blues and as we walked up to it I got the stinging feeling of how much older I am than she. College kids look so young after you've been out for a few years. It's like going back to your old high schoolthough all the kids are exactly the same age you were, they still look like babies.

The ticket booth light had just flickered on. "Great, we're just in time." I smirked at the sight of the overly tattooed guy sitting behind the gla.s.s. He had an odd mix of a tough guy body and an emo-ish face and demeanor. I couldn't wrap my brain around what he was trying to be viewed as. "Can we get tickets for tonight's show?"

"Which one?"

"The one with The Bayside Ramblers," I said, turning to Nicole for visual confirmation.

"They're not playing tonight."

"Really? We got word that they're playing a secret show." My voice slowly turned more and more to a whisper leaning closer and closer to the gla.s.s with each word. Nicole, being the outspoken crafty one, had already taken a few people in for questioning and I caught the end of her first inquisition over my left shoulder.

Some slightly terrified young college guy gave her what she wanted to hear under the spellbinding bright heat of her eyes. "Say you're going to see The Last Resort. They're playing under a different name tonight because they're just testing out some of their new music on the crowd."

"Thanks." She bubbled and let her hand fall down from his shoulder, grazing the length of his arm on the way down. It always made me uncomfortable when I saw girls exploiting their s.e.xuality to get what they wanted. It was probably just because I wished that I had the same power. I would have used such a gift at every possible opportunity. (Sorry, crazy lady who orders stupid drinks at Starbucks, I didn't mean to spill that drink all over you. Please let me help you out. Come in the back and we'll get you cleaned up.) I shouldn't have gotten jealous, because I knew what Nicole was doing, yet the feeling grabbed onto my ankles and sat on my feet like an annoying young cousin.

"Right, then. We'll take two tickets to go see The Last Resort." As he swiped my card I decided to throw it in his face a bit. "You know, you could have just told me that they're playing under a different name when clearly that's who we wanted to see."

"I'm not supposed to tell people that information so that we can keep people like you out."

"People like me?"

"We try to keep a certain type of clientele."

I looked over my shoulder and back at the guy behind the gla.s.s. "Oh, so college kids and queers?"

"Jos.h.!.+" Nicole was appalled.

"You're right, sorryh.o.m.os," I said as I pointed my thumb in his direction. He wanted to break through the gla.s.s. "Whoa, there tiger." I continued. "I doubt you want to start attacking customers. That never looks good for a business."

He composed himself and slid the tickets underneath the window, trying to do it with as much force as you can, but that's like drinking from a strawno one ever looks tough doing it. "Thanks!" I said cheerily as I s.n.a.t.c.hed the tickets.

"What was that all about?" Nicole was clearly thrown off.

"He was giving me s.h.i.+t and I'm not in the mood for it." She curled the corner of her lip into an upside down smirk in disappointment.

"Hey I'm sorry, alright?" Oh G.o.d, I've lost her for the rest of the night, I thought. Although guys don't have the s.e.xual persuasion techniques that women do, we do have the ability to shrug off a lot of frustration and anger. Women tend to hold it in like a long bong hit of laced with PCP. They spend the rest of the night unaware of their own strength, ruining the night for everyone around within a half-mile radius. I had to get her to cough it out before too much of it entered her brain.

"I am so excited!" I tried hard to sound convincing.

"But you don't even know them."

"Well, aren't you glad that you'll be able to witness the moment when I realize their greatness? See my face drop?" The corner of her mouth flattened. I was on my way.

"Hopefully all these new experimental songs are as good as the ones that I know." Her tone teetered with one foot in excitement and the other in anger.

"I'm sure they're amazing. Aren't you excited that you'll get to be the first of all your friends to hear them? When the new alb.u.m finally comes out, you'll be able to say that you were the first to see them all performed live. Maybe I'll write a review about it."

"I think you should."

We made our way to the end of the line, which would grow exponentially as show time grew closer. I wondered how everyone who knows the band got word of the show. Did the band advertise it on their site? If they were that new, did they really need to go out under a different name? Apparently they did. By the time the doors opened, they were sold out and turning people away. I wondered what their regular shows were like if their fake shows drew this much of a crowd. We were herded quickly into the club like cows to the barn. The herd stopped moving as the first few hit the stage and sent a traffic ripple all the way to the back, which is where we would stand for the remainder of the evening.

I looked around the room filled young faces and wondered when I stopped being a member of this cool kid club. Is your members.h.i.+p card revoked the day you graduate from college or do they wean you into adulthood with a few year grace period? The club's stereo blasted some punk band as everyone waited for the show to start.

"You want a drink?" I yelled over ba.s.s that was thick and angry enough to kick a puppy.

She nodded "Yes," amplifying her rhythmic head bob to the music. At the bar I ordered us our 'usual' drinks and turned to look around at the crowd. I still had that awful feeling of being old, but had shaken some of it off when I noticed that many of them couldn't order drinks. Suckers! A feeling of fear grabbed the corner of my eye with a hook and forced my head to turn towards the door. I couldn't help but turn and my knees nearly buckled. Allison Allison. What was she doing here? She was never in this part of town. I turned quickly back to face the bartender as he finished making the drinks. I hurriedly gave him some cash, told him to keep the change, grabbed the drinks and scurried back to Nicole.

I could feel the fear in my skin like a leech slowly sucking what little confidence I had left. Nicole noticed the look of terror on my face. "What's wrong? Was the bartender a ghost?"

"I think I saw Allison walk in." I yelled as I placed her whiskey sour into her grip.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm pretty sure."

"Did you talk to her yet?"

"When would I have talked to her?"

"I don't know!"

The wheels were turning in her head.

"Well I guess we'll just have to finally talk to her, won't we?"

"Somehow I doubt this is a good place to talk." I yelled extra loud to exhibit my point.

"Well what do you want to do? You want to stand in separate places?"

I let the weight of my head fall onto the back of my neck. "I don't know. This is dumb."

The lights went dark and the place erupted into applause as the opening band strolled onto the stage taking their places and grabbing their instruments. I didn't expect much out of these guys, but my mood was directing my thoughts at this point and it was not to be trusted. There should be a rule about judging things when you're in a foul mood. It shouldn't count. (Of course you hated my movie, your dog just died!) After their short set, there was an even shorter break for the next band to go up. As the lights brightened a bit, I ducked my head down hoping not to be noticed by anyone that wasn't supposed to see me. I felt like a fugitive and like Harrison Ford, standing in a watery tunnel ready to jump. The next band was slightly better, but I couldn't actually make any reasonable judgements.

By the time The Bayside Ramblers, I mean The Last Resort, came on I was so terrified that Allison had surely spotted me that I couldn't enjoy myself. I envisioned her standing in the balcony, watching me as Nicole grabbed my hand with both of hers and kissed me on the cheek before telling me when her favorite song came on. I tried not to think about it. Allison was probably way in the back and there was no way she could see either of us. I tried to think about how she would have known about this show. I was always the one that suggested new music. She really didn't even listen to much music other than what I put on. She never rocked out to her ipod or played music when we slept together. She never suggested going out to shows or even sang in the shower. I peeked over to Nicole and was surprised that her lip had once again been curled in an upwards position.

Halfway through their set, my mind was so exhausted from worry and fear that it finally relaxed if only out of necessity. The band really was amazing. They looked good together, as any good band should. They each had their role and played it perfectly like a well-acted theater. The drummer was solid and though he wasn't flashy, he definitely surprised us and himself a few times. The ba.s.s player moved only as much as his role required and concentrated mostly on his backup vocals, which were soaring, so his lack of motion never bothered me. The lead guitar player wasn't too much of a diva and only stepped out and cranked his volume when it was clearly his turn, then he tucked himself back into the mold of the band and blended right back in. The singer/rhythm guitar player was the perfect front man. He had the coolest haircut, the tightest pants and had the attention of every girl there. He was probably the main reason for Nicole's enjoyment of the band along with every other coed in town.

After playing their last number, the band introduced the members (though clearly everyone knew them) and thanked the crowd for seeing the show. The lights went back up and everyone lingered until they were herded back outside to once again graze the streets. I watched the door vigilantly, looking to confirm my sighting. Finally I saw Allison's light brown hair (though it was cut shorter than it was a few days ago) twirl as she looked to her left, smiling. I had forgotten how beautiful she was. It's amazing how, after seeing the same face for a while, it becomes so much a part of you that you don't see it as everyone else does. I followed her gaze and to her left saw a dark-haired European looking fellow walking beside then moving behind her to the exit line. He followed her closely as she walked, tracing her footsteps with his feet.

It didn't occur to me right away that she could be on a date. It took a minute, after they were out the door, that the realization hit me. I turned to Nicole. "It was was her." I said in amazement. "I saw her walk out." her." I said in amazement. "I saw her walk out."

"Are you ok?"

"I think she was with a guy."

She raised an eyebrow.

"You think she was on a date?" I continued.

"Maybe. You are."

I didn't know what to say.

"What, are you jealous or something?"

"I think I might be a little bit."

"How can you be jealous of her going out on a date when you are too?"

"I don't know how feelings work. I just feel them."

She flashed her lips, pursed out like a duckbill in frustration. "I guess I just didn't expect she'd start dating again so quickly."

"Once again, you did."

"Yeah but I was the one that was rejected." It somehow made sense in my head.

"Come on, let's go."

And just like that, the corner of her lip was once again turned downward and I let out a sigh for letting her slip back into the dark side.

We were one of the last people to walk out into the cold. A group of girls and their reluctant, jealous boyfriends were waiting around for the chance to try and meet the band. Another huddled group was smoking and I guessed that most of them were Berklee kids by the way they were judging the band's performance. It's hard to enjoy a show when you're being critical of every member's musical performance. I was glad that I had decided not to go to music school. I would probably have ended up liking music, especially live music, a whole lot less.

Nicole slid her arm through mine as I tucked my hands as deeply into my barely warm pockets as they could go. Just as she locked herself onto my arm, she suddenly stopped jerking me backwards. "What are you... ?" Her face went bright red, then turned pale, like a sun suddenly transitioning from red giant to white dwarf, ready to explode and die out completely. I found my footing again and looked up, following Nicole's line of sight from her eyes in slow motion, like in a horror movie. I expected to see Freddy Kruger standing there waiting to kill with his metal claws and messed up face. Instead I saw Allison, staring blankly back at me.

"Hi." She said wryly.

"Hi." I hit the ball back to her court.

"Great show, neh?"