The Alternative Hero Part 17

"Of course," he shrugged, "but business is business."

Except it wasn't. Although a few people stopped to look, no one was buying; Alternative Heroes Alternative Heroes went straight over everyone's head. In the time I stood next to him I managed to sell four copies of the went straight over everyone's head. In the time I stood next to him I managed to sell four copies of the Peanut Peanut without even trying. The indie-verse simply wasn't ready for Billy's comic-book/music-press crossover. without even trying. The indie-verse simply wasn't ready for Billy's comic-book/music-press crossover.

"Well, see you in there," I said after a few minutes.

"Don't be silly!" Billy frowned, his eyes meeting mine for the first time. "I'm not going going to the gig. I don't even to the gig. I don't even like like the Thieving Magpies." the Thieving Magpies."

I made my excuses and shuffled inside.

The final time I saw him was a year later at a pointless, premature school-reunion lunch my parents forced me to attend. Again, the conversation was stilted and we made no move to remain in contact, but I remember thinking he'd become an altogether more confident presence. Tellingly, he spent much of the afternoon chatting to a girl from our year who wouldn't have even acknowledged he belonged to the same species a year previously.

I sit back in my bus seat, strangely calmed by my latest plan. It's always good to occasionally know what you're doing. Soon I'm marching down my own street, past Lance Webster's house, which I acknowledge with a two-fingered salute that wouldn't look out of place in a primary school. I jump down the steps to our flat and burst into the kitchen, where Polly's latest conquest (a tall, curly-haired posh bloke) leaps up and grabs the nearest dishcloth as Polly calmly b.u.t.ters some toast. They are both unavoidably naked.

"Sorry, Clive," Polly murmurs, while the chap smiles awkwardly-but I am out the other side of the room before further discussion can ensue. Seen it all before anyway.

I barge into my bedroom, open up the almighty, creaking laptop again, jam my finger firmly into the hole where the on b.u.t.ton once was and retire for a tactical loo break while the dear old thing boots up. Ten minutes later, I'm excitedly awaiting the results of a Google search. I'm not entirely sure what I'm expecting: a few cursory references to the man perhaps (I've even got a few of my own if you look hard enough), maybe a Mys.p.a.ce page. I'm starting simply with "Billy Flus.h.i.+ng." What I don't realise is it's the last search I'll need to bother with.

Welcome to BillyFlus.h.i.+ng.com home of visual artist, graphic novelist and publisher publisher Join the mailing list. www.billyflus.h.i.+ng.com/welcome.htm 3k Cached Cached Similar Similar pages pages Note this Note this [ [more results from www.billyflus.h.i.+ng.com] www.billyflus.h.i.+ng.com]

Billy Flus.h.i.+ng Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Billy Flus.h.i.+ng aka "RoyaleB," "Fsycho Bill" (born Watford, England, on 23 January 1973) is an internationally recognised comic artist, graphic novelist and critic. He founded the XCarto ... en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Flus.h.i.+ng 43k aka "RoyaleB," "Fsycho Bill" (born Watford, England, on 23 January 1973) is an internationally recognised comic artist, graphic novelist and critic. He founded the XCarto ... en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Flus.h.i.+ng 43k Cached Cached Similar pages Similar pages Note this Note this Billy Flus.h.i.+ng Billy Flus.h.i.+ng in my opinion is the king of modern comics. Having read his stuff as RoyaleB I didn't think anyone could beat it, then I discovered he was also Fsycho Bill! Amazing, he ... www.graphixchat.com/board/forumdisplay.php?f=42 94k Cached Cached Similar pages Similar pages Note this Note this Xcarto corporation Billy Flus.h.i.+ng Billy Flus.h.i.+ng CEO founded Xcarto after leaving univ ... CEO founded Xcarto after leaving univ ... 21/12/2006. Xcarto Webshop Spring Offers 10/1/2007. 21/12/2006. Xcarto Webshop Spring Offers 10/1/2007. Billy Flus.h.i.+ng Billy Flus.h.i.+ng in Comic Zone Magazine (issue 120) Fsycho Bill new hardback retrospective with DVD extra OUT NOW ... www.xcarto.com/ 13k in Comic Zone Magazine (issue 120) Fsycho Bill new hardback retrospective with DVD extra OUT NOW ... www.xcarto.com/ 13k Cached Cached Similar pages Similar pages Note this Note this Graphic Novel Art @ Forbidden Planet The Online Entertainment ... Forbidden Planet feature. For the first time, we interview graphic G.o.d of our time Forbidden Planet feature. For the first time, we interview graphic G.o.d of our time Billy Billy "RoyaleB" "RoyaleB" Flus.h.i.+ng Flus.h.i.+ng on the eve of his retrospective interactive hardback Fsycho Bi ... on the eve of his retrospective interactive hardback Fsycho Bi ... www.forbiddenplanet.co.uk/ ... /Fmag/Features/ ... /Fmag/Features/Billyflus.h.i.+ng.htm 19k Cached Cached Similar pages Similar pages Note this Note this And that's just the first five.

With a movement straight out of Fawlty Towers of Fawlty Towers, I slam the lid of my laptop and wait for a second, then reopen it and look again, desperately hoping all the references will have magically disappeared. They haven't. Resisting the temptation to instantly phone Alan, I delve a little further, first checking Google Images for proof that this world-beating graphic icon really is my gormless former schoolmate (it is-he wears funky white s.p.a.ce-age specs and his hair is a bit spiky but otherwise seems quite unchanged), then reading some of the articles just to check he hasn't written them all himself (he hasn't; there are simply dozens of the d.a.m.n things, in online newspapers, magazines, on the BBC, art-gallery websites, publis.h.i.+ng briefings-the list goes on). In addition to his artistic prowess, the Xcarto company he founded some ten years back appears to have acquired most things worth bothering with in the comics world, providing proof that the embryonic business ac.u.men I suspected all those years ago grew into something formidable and produced-most surely-a hefty bank balance. He's had his own exhibition at the Tate Modern and even warrants a compendious page on the Internet Movie Database, thanks to an abundance of technical and artistic-consultant credits, some stretching back as far as 1998, and a story of his-Dawn of Zfly (I mean, really)-being turned into a 2004 Paramount film starring Crispin Glover, Brittany Murphy and Michael Gambon, the existence of which has somehow (I mean, really)-being turned into a 2004 Paramount film starring Crispin Glover, Brittany Murphy and Michael Gambon, the existence of which has somehow completely completely eluded me. eluded me.

As my mother would say: h.e.l.l's teeth h.e.l.l's teeth.

Two questions immediately spring to mind.

Not, you may be surprised to hear, "How the h.e.l.l has that total dweebhead loser boy managed to become such a super-successful, globally inspirational graphics megabloke?"-which is certainly the first thing that would emerge from Alan's lips. In fact, I can totally totally see how the Billy I knew became the high-achieving eccentric guru who stares at me from his home page. It was all there from the very start. All he needed was to see how the Billy I knew became the high-achieving eccentric guru who stares at me from his home page. It was all there from the very start. All he needed was to not be at school not be at school. No-the question I really want an answer to is "How the h.e.l.l did I manage to miss it?" Granted, I pay about as much attention to the ins and outs of the comics industry as I do the history of agriculture in Lithuania, but you'd think I'd have spotted his (far from common) name at least somewhere.

The other question I'm now pacing up and down my room mumbling to myself is the following: If he's this successful, this busy and this artistically satisfied, what on earth is he doing plastering stickers of his long-forgotten indie fanzine on a signpost outside a former scuzz-rock venue in Islington?

And the immediate explanation my dazed, confused and self-centred brain settles for? That Billy Flus.h.i.+ng-wherever he is now-is trying to communicate with me me.

I click on his website's "contact" page-annoyingly, it's just one of those mailing-list forms, and there's no actual address. Returning to my original Google search I get myself to the Xcarto website and do the same. There are two addresses-one in New York (but of course) and one in London. A glance at the postcode-EC1V-tells me the London office can't be more than a few streets away from my old work. Who knows, I could have been buying my lunch from the very same Tesco Metro as Billy-when he wasn't having his caviar coptered in and carried to his drawing board on a velvet cus.h.i.+on by a team of trained meerkats.

(A quick aside to this fascinating stuff: in all seriousness, I sometimes wish there was a Web site that could tell you other people's movements throughout their life in relation to yours, so you could type in their name and see a kind of joint route map; how many times have people said, "Oh, I was at that gig too" or something. With this site you could see how close you actually got; perhaps you were unwittingly waiting next to each other at the bar or some such ... but then I also wish there was a device that could magically tell you all sorts of random facts and figures about your life, e.g., how many Jaffa Cakes you've eaten, which is the bus you've taken most often, how many times you've been through East Croydon station, which is the person you've had s.e.x with the most. Like a sort of itemised phone bill of existence ... a universal statistics engine ... hmm ...) The Xcarto site's contact page displays a few email addresses-the standard "[email protected]" one, a few named entries for the sales and marketing people, but nothing for their exalted CEO. However, I notice the format is pretty standard, "[email protected]"-so, it being too late at night for procrastination, I take a wild stab in the dark and quickly bash out this:

From: CLIVE BERESFORD ([email protected]) CLIVE BERESFORD ([email protected]) Sent: 27 April 2007 01:57:04 27 April 2007 01:57:04 To: [email protected] Subject: the geeks shall inherit the earth the geeks shall inherit the earth

Dear Billy Dear BillyI hope this has reached the correct destination! Blast-from-the-past time. Yes, it really is that that Clive Beresford. Sorry. Imagine my surprise when I pa.s.sed the old Powerhaus on Liverpool Road this evening and saw an Clive Beresford. Sorry. Imagine my surprise when I pa.s.sed the old Powerhaus on Liverpool Road this evening and saw an Alternative Heroes Alternative Heroes sticker on the signpost. Can't imagine it's been there for over a decade, so I figured maybe you'd been feeling nostalgic? You seem to be one of the few people from school doing something slightly interesting with their lives. Glad to hear it. It's amazing what dull jobs people have ended up with! I've actually lost touch with almost everyone, apart from Alan Potter, who you probably remember. You may shudder at the name, but Ben Simons sent me an email recently (maybe he did the same to you?), which I have to admit I completely ignored. If the photo on his Mys.p.a.ce page is anything to go by, he's exactly the same-slightly overweight and perpetually angry. sticker on the signpost. Can't imagine it's been there for over a decade, so I figured maybe you'd been feeling nostalgic? You seem to be one of the few people from school doing something slightly interesting with their lives. Glad to hear it. It's amazing what dull jobs people have ended up with! I've actually lost touch with almost everyone, apart from Alan Potter, who you probably remember. You may shudder at the name, but Ben Simons sent me an email recently (maybe he did the same to you?), which I have to admit I completely ignored. If the photo on his Mys.p.a.ce page is anything to go by, he's exactly the same-slightly overweight and perpetually angry.Despite my cynical tone I haven't become some completely bitter 33-year-old drunken mess. I'm actually quite happy with life, doing what I want (most of the time). Hope you are too-it appears so. Drop me a line if you get a sec-take it easy.Clivep.s. sorry about Spike Island Okay, so there's a couple of fibs in there to give it a bit of sparkle. I refresh my inbox page a couple of times and nothing comes hurtling back at me saying the email address doesn't exist, so it seems to have gone somewhere. Well then, we'll see.

Having accomplished this task of dubious benefit, I'm just about to shut down and finally make a move towards bed when I remember b.l.o.o.d.y Webster and this fabled novel I'm meant to have started. Satan's a.r.s.e. As I'm meant to be seeing a job agency tomorrow morning, I really need to have a go at the b.l.o.o.d.y thing now.

Wearily, I open up a new Word doc.u.ment and-risking a second encounter with my naked, toast-eating flatmate and her bit of equally naked posh totty-return to the kitchen to put the kettle on.

SUGGESTED LISTENING: The Cure, Disintegration Disintegration (Fiction, 1989) (Fiction, 1989) Alan, my editor [From the Sunday Times Magazine Sunday Times Magazine, Sunday, 4 May 2025.]

A Life in the Day of GAVIN SMITHGavin Smith, 32, has been an inventor since the age of 4. In 2015 he became the youngest scientist selected by NASA to work on the Martian element Quartaneum, which led to the invention of the Universal Statistics Engine (USE) in 2017. He lives in Cambridges.h.i.+re with his dog, Ivan.Ivan wakes me up by licking my face at around 6 a.m. He's been a lot happier since we moved out of London, as have I-the media attention was starting to get on our t.i.ts. I make some toast for Ivan (with b.u.t.ter and honey, spoilt son of a b.i.t.c.h, quite literally, ha ha) but just a coffee for me. I've normally got a raging hangover, so I can't think about eating anything until I've had my oxygen hit. I might also plug in for some saline if I'm feeling extra rough. Then I check my emails: the usual boring c.r.a.p, although there might be something from one of my collaborators in the States. I choose the people I work with extremely carefully-especially since the USE was stolen.I take Ivan for a quick walk and then it's time to start working. I mainly work in a little back room, just as I've always done. It's cheaper than renting a lab, and it means I don't have to travel or talk to anyone, unless I really want to. Ivan's all the company I need. I've had better conversations with him than with any human being.People ask me why I started to invent things, and the answer is simple: I wanted to perform a certain task, so I invented the tool I needed to do it. For some reason this came naturally to me. The first thing I invented was an intruder alarm for my bedroom when I was four years old. I made it out of a couple of shoelaces and my sister's old mobile phone. I did it so that my mother would stop going in there and wrecking the b.l.o.o.d.y place with her so-called "tidying."At around midday I stop and go to the pub to have something to eat. The Prince Albert round the corner, usually-Ivan's allowed in, the landlord is bearable and the regulars leave me alone. I might read the paper if I'm bored, not because I want to know what's going on in the world, but because I find it so hilarious how stupid people are. A newspaper to me is just like one big joke book.I have a few pints and then it's back to my room. Sometimes I listen to music while I work, depending on how menial my current task is. I'm not really fond of modern music-I'm one of those people who reckon that nothing good's been recorded since about 2007.I've been working on the same invention since I was 18. Everything I've invented in the meantime has been accidental-or because I needed the money. That's why I invented the USE. I never had any personal interest in it, but I knew it would be lucrative. Which of course it has been-although not for me.I'll probably crack open the first beer at about three, but I usually carry on working until at least six o'clock, when my mind starts to wander and Ivan begins to get restless. That's when he gets his long walk-perhaps along the disused railway line and across one of the smaller fens, or sometimes just along the river. Ivan doesn't care, there are always new pieces of s.h.i.+t to smell and birds to ha.s.sle. Then I grab a takeaway from somewhere and head home.Most of my evenings are spent drinking and flinging stuff around the house for Ivan to chase. Why do I drink so much? Because it helps me forget that I'm human, and that I exist in 2025. That's why I'm trying to build a time machine. One day I'll finish it and f.u.c.k off to another dimension, where I'll stay. If those c.u.n.ts hadn't stolen the USE I'd have enough money to build it by now, but I don't care-I'll do it eventually.I pa.s.s out at around midnight. Hopefully I'll have managed to get myself into bed by then, but it's not unusual for me to wake up anywhere in the house-sometimes even the garden. It doesn't matter, I sleep anywhere. I never dream.

Alan does his best sceptical belch-scoff, casts the sheaf of papers aside and takes a sip of his organic coffee.

"What do you think?" I ask.

"What do I I think?" think?"

"No," I reply, rolling my eyes. "All the other people I'm currently talking to."

"I don't know?" he shrugs.

"Is that a question or a statement?"

"Both, I guess. I mean, I'm not really sure what you want me to say, Clive. You know I never read, for a start."

"Sure, but that doesn't matter. Did you enjoy it?"

"Um ... yeah?"

"What did you think of the character?"

"Um ..."

He looks frantically around the cafe, as if he's going to see the word he's looking for emblazoned on one of the posters. Then he gives up and takes a bite of his vegan brownie.

"Did you like him?"

"Er ... he's a bit ... um ... odd."

"Odd, yes." I nod. Adjective. Houston, we have an adjective. I pop the last piece of free-range garlic-and-birdseed flapjack into my mouth and sit back, hoping for further commentary. Instead, he fiddles with his tie and looks at his watch.

"Gotta go in a sec."

"Okay ... but did anything else strike you? I mean, did you think it was ... you know ... funny?"

"Yeah, it was funny."

Christ on a bike.

"Okay-well, thanks for all of that, Alan. This is what I'm going to show him when he appears anyway. It should be enough, I guess."

"Enough ... yeah, I s'pose."

Amazing how such a high-flying, overachieving entrepreneur can be so alarmingly useless sometimes. He stands to leave, then sighs.

"Sorry I haven't been much help, man. I'm finding it all a bit strange, really."

"Strange?"

He frowns.

"Clive, you're about to meet our biggest teenage musical hero for coffee, pretend you don't know who he really is while you show him highlights from a book you haven't written, after being warned by his bodyguards about your stalking, which you're also going to pretend hasn't happened."

I can't resist raising my eyes in mock astonishment.

"And what, may I ask, is so strange about that?"

"Nutter," Alan concludes, striding off.

"Vorsprung Durch Peanut," I shout after him.

"Up yours."

As he vanishes through the door I grab my handiwork for a final study. But half a minute later, he is back.

"Hey, man, I've just thought of something."

"What?"

"Are you gonna give him this stuff to keep?"

"Might do. Dunno."

"There's no copyright notice on there."

"Eh?"

"You can't give it to him unless it's got a copyright notice. He might try to nick it."

"Oh, I don't really think that he ..."

"Clive, at least follow this one piece of advice on a subject I do do know something about," he instructs, taking a pen from his bag. "Just write 'copyright, two thousand and seven, Clive Beresford.'" know something about," he instructs, taking a pen from his bag. "Just write 'copyright, two thousand and seven, Clive Beresford.'"

"Okay, I will."

"Well, do it now," he commands, pus.h.i.+ng his Biro at me.

"Uh, I'll do it when you've gone."

"Why? He'll be here any minute."

"Uh, I need the loo."

"Well, f.u.c.k it, don't bother," he gruffs, stomping off again. "If your stuff gets pinched I don't give a toss."

I wait until he's out of sight, fish my own pen out of my pocket and quickly scrawl "Copyright 2007 Alan Potter" on each of the pages. 2007 Alan Potter" on each of the pages.

Lance Webster-sorry, f.u.c.k-Geoff Webster slurps his apple-and-ginger herbal tea and carefully reads my paltry creation. I'm trying not to watch him, but it's nigh-on impossible. Particularly because (by accident, he alleges) I have nothing of his to read. He's had a haircut since we last met, and he's wearing black-rimmed reading gla.s.ses and a dark grey polo-necked sweater. None of which helps to dispel the unsettling realisation that he looks slightly like Matthew Broderick. Claiming to have eaten nothing today (it's about quarter past three), he's ordered the vegetarian all-day breakfast (organic duck eggs, dolphin-friendly mushrooms, plywood and nutmeg sausage), which hasn't yet arrived, and toast, which has. He clearly knows the place, not needing to look at the menu, addressing the female proprietor (perhaps of Dutch origin?) as "Marzy." Webster slurps his apple-and-ginger herbal tea and carefully reads my paltry creation. I'm trying not to watch him, but it's nigh-on impossible. Particularly because (by accident, he alleges) I have nothing of his to read. He's had a haircut since we last met, and he's wearing black-rimmed reading gla.s.ses and a dark grey polo-necked sweater. None of which helps to dispel the unsettling realisation that he looks slightly like Matthew Broderick. Claiming to have eaten nothing today (it's about quarter past three), he's ordered the vegetarian all-day breakfast (organic duck eggs, dolphin-friendly mushrooms, plywood and nutmeg sausage), which hasn't yet arrived, and toast, which has. He clearly knows the place, not needing to look at the menu, addressing the female proprietor (perhaps of Dutch origin?) as "Marzy."

"This is seriously good stuff," he frowns.

"Thanks," I mumble, a.s.suming he's talking about my writing and not his toast.

"You immediately get a sense of the character."

"I'm glad about that."

He reads on. I sip my third coffee-which is starting to make me feel sick-and wait for him to finish, but once he does (he reads the "I never dream" bit out loud, with a laugh) he shuffles the papers and starts all over again. When he reaches the second page he adjusts his seating position and kicks his legs out so they rest heavily against mine. I freeze, then cough, and he looks up.

"That line 'A newspaper to me is just like one big joke book' is awesome," he comments, smiling. "Funny thing is, I actually know people like that." Then his head goes back down and he continues reading. There's nothing frivolous or ambiguous in the way he spoke, so I move my legs away from his and try to forget about it.

Then his breakfast arrives. To my carnivorous eyes it looks as appetising as a plate of wooden clothes pegs, a load of fibre in search of a hefty percentage of obliging porker, but Webster is close to ecstasy. I have more empathy with the large splattering of ketchup he administers, and things really start to look more like Christmas when he generously covers his toast with b.u.t.ter and asks the waitress for a black coffee. Suddenly Lance is back again.

"Hope you don't mind," he grins, tucking in. "Had a really late one last night. I've got a friend in New Zealand and we were Skype-ing 'til about four, then I had these remixes to finish off."

"Remixes?" I enquire, treading carefully.

"Yeah, I've got a little studio in the flat. I do a bit of stuff for people, radio edits and so on."

Strange. I didn't know that. I wonder what name he uses?

"Never really lost that whole musician's nocturnal-timetable thing ... You an early riser?"

I give him a brief but nonetheless uninteresting description of my sleeping habits while he continues to shovel nosh into his mouth, and then, astonis.h.i.+ngly, his legs come careering back over to my side of the table again, booting mine out of the way. I pause midsentence and frown at him. His eyes rise above his gla.s.ses from a cruelty-free tomato.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Um ... yeah," I murmur, shrug and continue. Amazing. I honestly don't think he's aware of it.

We chatter on about this and that while he puts away his breakfast. The fact that he's looking about as different as it's possible to look from the long-haired alternative rock star I used to wors.h.i.+p is helping me immensely to maintain my composure, but that doesn't stop it from being pretty d.a.m.n odd. In a way, we're both pretending we know each other more than we do, while at the same time I'm pretending I know him less than I do. If you follow. Now I know what one of those double agents feels like. I'm also getting increasingly cross that he didn't bring any of his writing with him, for it means the discussion is focused almost entirely on me, which is at best boring, at worst d.a.m.n difficult.

"Were you always good at writing, then?"

"Um, well ... English was my best subject at school."

"But did you try to get stuff published? Like short stories in magazines, or anything like that?"

"Um ... not exactly. I really kept stuff to myself."

He nods vigorously.

"Confidence issues. Yeah, I had that. Never thought anyone would care about my silly little tales when there was other s.h.i.+t going on in the world."