And Another Thing... Part 27

'Why not?' a pootle-tink bird called from the fence. 'I thought you were immortal.'

This got a big laugh so Wowbagger decided to nip it in the bud. When dealing with a heckler, go for the deeply personal When dealing with a heckler, go for the deeply personal had always been his motto. had always been his motto.

'You have some stains on your tail feathers there, birdie. You a bed wetter?'

The other birds laughed hard enough to bring on a bout of spontaneous egg laying and the target bird shot him such an evil look that Wowbagger was glad he would be dead in a few minutes.

Finally, Thor seemed to be finished with his ringside business and lifted himself from the head of Mjollnir, on which he had been perched.

Here we go. About time too.

The Thunder G.o.d was a huge specimen, at least four times Wowbagger's height, but not slow or ungainly. Thor moved as though he was being careful not to break stuff with every step.

I am probably the only person here not afraid of this guy, Wowbagger thought, but then amended that thought to: I am probably the only person here besides Beeblebrox who is not afraid of this guy. Beeblebrox probably thinks he could win this fight. I am probably the only person here besides Beeblebrox who is not afraid of this guy. Beeblebrox probably thinks he could win this fight.

Then a funny thing happened. With every step Thor took across the scorched earth, he seemed to grow smaller.

Heat haze, thought Wowbagger. It must be It must be.

It was not. Thor was actually shrinking and by the time he reached the X's intersection the Thunder G.o.d was too short to be allowed on most fairground rides.

'Hey,' he said. 'What's up?'

Wowbagger blinked. 'Me, I think. From your perspective.'

Thor patted his own tiny body. 'Sorry about that,' he said, embarra.s.sed. 'Zaphod's idea. If I just come out here and crush you, how's that going to make me look? Like a bully, that's how. This way, for any cameras pointed at us, I look like a giant-killer, which is a much better angle, according to Zaphod, and he knows media.' The G.o.d frowned. 'Though he does make the occasional mistake.'

Wowbagger felt a buzz of antic.i.p.ation behind his eyes. 'So, what happens? I kneel down, I suppose, and then you clobber me?'

Thor was almost affronted. 'What? No, no. That wouldn't work. That's an execution. We have to give these people a show. And not just these people. Eventually this is going to filter through to the entire Sub-Etha.'

'The Sub-Etha. I never watch it.'

'Never?'

'No. It's all junk. Give me a cla.s.sic movie any day.'

'I wish everyone was like you, but they're not. These days, in this Universe, careers are made and broken on the Sub-Etha.'

'But you're a G.o.d, what do you need with a career?'

Thor stroked his beard plait, which he probably was not aware had a few beads braided through it. 'That's a good question, but I know the answer because we did this in circle time, after my breakdown. G.o.ds have G.o.d-sized egos, so we need a lot of love to stay healthy. You see those G.o.ds going around blighting crops and drying up rivers? Those guys don't get loved. It's a cycle, you know. You have no idea how depressed G.o.ds can get. One minute we're adored, the next despised. I've been in the troughs, believe me.'

Guide Note: Loki the Trickster once used his hypnotic charm to convince the Aesir that he had decided to mend his ways and set up shop as a brainologist to the G.o.ds. His client list quickly grew as relieved divinities flooded to his door, eager to be regressed and find out why the h.e.l.l they were so attracted to unicorns and so forth. Thor himself was actually feeling much better and beginning to develop real affection for his brother when he discovered that Loki had done a deal with WooHoo WooHoo magazine and sessions were being serialized. To make matters worse, Loki had considered Thor's sessions a bit dull and so had added in a lot more weeping, incontinence pants and an Eccentrica Gallumbits fixation magazine and sessions were being serialized. To make matters worse, Loki had considered Thor's sessions a bit dull and so had added in a lot more weeping, incontinence pants and an Eccentrica Gallumbits fixation.

Wowbagger nodded thoughtfully to convey the impression that he was prepared to care, but really he was only prepared to nod.

'That's great. I understand the whole thing now. A cycle. Right. So, should we wrestle for a while?'

Thor glanced over his shoulders, worried that someone would tumble to the rigged nature of the showdown. 'A bit of chat first. You stole my s.h.i.+p, blah blah blah. Then you strike the first blow. I pretend to be injured, maybe limp a little. A little back and forth. Then BOOM BOOM on the temple and the fat lady has well and truly sung, my friend.' on the temple and the fat lady has well and truly sung, my friend.'

'Which fat lady?'

'Oh, nothing. It's a Valkyrie expression.'

Wowbagger glanced at the sidelines. There were tears on Trillian's face, but she was not taking one step to stop proceedings.

'Okay, little man. It was me. I stole your s.h.i.+p.'

Thor drew a sharp breath, puffing out his tiny chest, trying not to look mortified by the script he was supposed to stick to. 'You! My father gave me that interstellar longs.h.i.+p, which I named after my beloved goat.' (While broadcasting the thought: I hated that bucket of slime, which is why I sold it to a guy in a bar I hated that bucket of slime, which is why I sold it to a guy in a bar.) 'Yes, I did steal it and I'd do it again.'

'Oh, you would, would you? I may be a benevolent G.o.d, evil giant, but I can only forgive so much.'

Enough of this dire cabinotage, thought Wowbagger (cabinotage being a word he had picked up while preparing his global insult for the soap opera planet Sunny View, where the entire world was a television set with eighteen satellite suns for three-s.h.i.+ft daylight shooting). being a word he had picked up while preparing his global insult for the soap opera planet Sunny View, where the entire world was a television set with eighteen satellite suns for three-s.h.i.+ft daylight shooting). Let's speed things up a bit Let's speed things up a bit.

'Cut the buffa-biscuit, you preposterous little Viking. Your daddy hates you, and your mommy pretends you're someone else's son.'

Thor involuntarily shrank an inch. This wasn't in the script.

'What? What did you say?'

Wowbagger ploughed on. 'Everyone knows it. Thor the drunk, they call you. I think you should have stayed at the bar.'

A small thundercloud suddenly appeared overhead, spitting white lightning.

'You stole my longs.h.i.+p, evil giant,' spluttered Thor, thinking: I'm spluttering. G.o.ds shouldn't splutter. This is a disaster; they're going to hate me. I'm spluttering. G.o.ds shouldn't splutter. This is a disaster; they're going to hate me.

'Sure. Whatever you say. And another thing everyone knows: you detest mortals.'

'I do not... What? That was my father's s.h.i.+p. Remember the longs.h.i.+p?'

'You think mortals are second-cla.s.s individuals. You wouldn't wipe your boot with a mortal.'

Thor grew taller, much taller. 'Yes, I would.'

'You would would wipe your boot with a mortal?' wipe your boot with a mortal?'

There were a couple of boos from the audience, maybe a hiss.

'Yes. I mean no. I don't know, maybe if my boot was dirty.'

Wowbagger tapped his chin. 'And did I hear something about a video...'

That was as far as he got, because suddenly Thor was looming over him with Mjollnir raised to strike.

What happened to back and forth? wondered Wowbagger, then the hammer came down so fast it blurred, cras.h.i.+ng into his head with a noise like a meteor impacting on a field of ice. wondered Wowbagger, then the hammer came down so fast it blurred, cras.h.i.+ng into his head with a noise like a meteor impacting on a field of ice.

Goodbye, Trillian, thought Wowbagger, then he was driven bodily fifty feet straight down into his grave.

Thor was in two minds about his performance. The up-and-over swing always made good television, but it was a pity he couldn't have dragged it out a little longer. What choice did he have? The green guy was just about to mention the video and then the various browsers would have tagged the comment and before you know it everyone's linked back to the old site.

He was about to turn to Zaphod to check his manager's reaction when he picked up a faint thought from about fifty feet below his feet. And the thought was either: Shark eye knothead or Zark. I'm not dead.

Zaphod whistled the first bar of 'Blinko in the Baybox', an old Betelgeusean epic shanty concerning a p.r.i.c.kled mollusc and his time spent in captivity.

'Whaddya think, Ford? Did he do enough?'

Ford whistled the second bar back at him. 'I don't know. I never felt like there was a threat. There was no drama.'

'You're right. It was all over too quickly.' Zaphod looked around. 'I wonder if there is anyone else in the market for a hammer in the head.'

Thor jogged across the field. 'What do you think? Nice up-and-over, wasn't it? I lost my temper a bit though, let the green guy rile me up. Don't worry, Zaph, it won't happen next time.'

'Next time?'

'Yes, next time. The green guy isn't dead.'

'What? Are you sure?'

'Yes, I'm sure. He's climbing out of that hole now, thinking nasty thoughts.'

'How much did you give him?'

'I don't know, maybe fifty per cent, something like that.'

Zaphod whistled another few notes of 'Blinko'. 'Fifty? Really? Did anyone ever survive that before?'

'No one that didn't have a seat at the long table.'

Zaphod beckoned to his client to shrink himself down a little. 'Tell me, Thor, honestly, can you finish Wowbagger off? Can you do it?'

Thor hunkered down. 'Zaph, I can finish off this entire planet with seventy-five per cent.' He stretched his rotator cuff. 'You might want to move everyone back a little though.'

Wowbagger crabbed one elbow out of a crack in the earth.

My suit is ruined, he thought. And that big ape didn't even break the skin. And that big ape didn't even break the skin.

Trillian felt broken. Her soul had been split by the hammer blow and she would never be the same.

We had one day together and it was the most important day of my life.

Had she done the right thing, Trillian wondered. Could she even pretend to herself that she had made the right choice?

Beside her, Random was perched on the fence, busily taking no notice of her mother's sacrifice.

'Hmmph,' she grunted suddenly. 'The b.u.g.g.e.r is still alive. I knew it.'

For only the third time in her life, Trillian Astra fainted.

A vast cone-shaped s.h.i.+p of white alloy poked through the nebula, its once-smooth fuselage pockmarked by two centuries of s.p.a.ce debris impact. No more than one tenth of its eight hundred tripropellant rockets were functioning and there was barely enough life support to keep the crew breathing. The fresh food supply was utterly exhausted and there had been nothing but recycled fluids to drink for several months.

The entire crew was fatigued and starving. Their morale was low and none of them had ever known a home besides this gigantic s.h.i.+p they were contracted to voyage in until their mission was finally complete.

The captain, a once corpulent giant of a man, had shrunk to scarecrow proportions, but he was a hero to his people. His eyes flashed green fire when the day's work was good, and deep red when a duty was neglected or an officer mistreated his men. The crew loved him and would follow him into h.e.l.l if need be.

His name was Eddon Cho and today was the day when he could finally complete the mission entrusted to him by his father, and maybe live a little of his own life.

'Navigator, tell me again,' he called across the bridge to young Vishnal Li Senz, only seventeen and already an excellent pilot.

'We're here, Captain. There can be no doubt about it. The orbit is a little weird but the air is breathable.'

Cho nodded. It was just as well, because once they landed, they wouldn't be taking off again, ever.

'Very well, take us down. Careful with the compensator and send any extra spark of power we have to the Verifyer.'

Li Senz swallowed. 'The Verifyer? My G.o.d. Are you certain, Captain?'

'I'm certain,' Eddon Cho responded grimly. 'We only get one shot at this. Now take us down.'

Li Senz cracked his knuckles, then wrapped his fingers around the manual control.

'May the Unbreakable Guarantee protect us,' he said.

Around the s.h.i.+p, his prayer was echoed by over two thousand souls.

On the surface of Nano, the crowd was feeling a little cheated. Perko St Waring Speckle was showing a new and not altogether attractive side of his personality after a few coffees and a build-up of antic.i.p.at-o-acid in his wings.

'Is that it?' he called. 'Is that the entire show? Lame-o. Pathetic.'

Hillman Hunter was none too impressed either.

'I mean, it was a good hit, that up-and-over action, but the cheesers' guy is getting back up. What good is that to me?'

Buff Orpington had tears on his cheeks. 'He'll do it all right. Just you wait and see. Thor is just warming up, that's all. Working out the kinks.'

'He'd better work them out fast, or we'll all be adoring the big Cheese.'

The surface chatter was abruptly halted by the sight of nearly a hundred spiralling rings of light descending through the atmosphere. The rings incrementally revealed themselves to be the rear engines of a gargantuan s.h.i.+p which eased itself earthwards, shedding s.h.i.+eld panels as it dropped. Several of the engines sparked and burned out, dropping the s.h.i.+p in erratic jolts until it finally touched down in a nearby lake, flash-boiling it to a misty shroud.

'Oooh,' said Ford Prefect. 'Spooky.'

There was almost complete silence for several moments until a slender robot arm, muscled with power cables, popped from a hatch in the strange s.h.i.+p's belly. At the tip of the arm was a blinking sensor that moved rapidly towards the crowd, quickly circ.u.mventing the cows hoping for a meat-eater.

Further and further the arm went, telescoping from the body of the s.h.i.+p, over Wowbagger's head, through Thor's legs, dodging away from Zaphod, who made a lunge for it. Stopping finally in front of Random.

'Random Dent?' it asked in a real robotic voice, back from when robots were robots and didn't have personalities of their own.