Jaguar Addams - Learning Fear Part 14

He shook his head. aWhat happens if I stay?a Durk tapped. aYouall probably end up dead.a aWhat about Dr. Addams?a Alex saw the shoulders lift and fall. aBoth of you.a aWhat if I leave?a aYouall be safe,a Durk said.

aDr. Addams?a Silence.

Alex a.s.sumed that was the lot. He took his time in mulling it. Sitting there in the dark, cuffed and not happy about it, he remembered how very much he hated the army.

Okay. He would try one test.

aDo you want me to pull her out of there?a Quickly, too quickly. aNo. That is not an option.a aWhy not?a That tapping. aSheas gone fis.h.i.+ng.a Silence.

aWhat kind of empath is the specialist?a He saw the shadow of Durkas wooden hand make a quick gesture. He hadnat expected that. Something Alex wasnat supposed to know. Now he was trying to figure out how much more Alex knew, how much he should keep hidden.

aNo mention has been made of psi capacities. None will be made. Our specialist is singularly expert, and attached to anonymity.a aExpert at what?a aLong-distance work.a Alex let the euphemisms settle in. Esper, or Telekine. Or both. s.h.i.+t. Powerful, if he was any good. And Durk didnat like the specialist. Or somebody didnat. Someone wanted him removed. Jaguar wasa"what? Working for Durk? Or dancing in the dark? Tricky.

Alex tried another stab in the dark.

aHeas getting out of hand, and you canat deal anymore, so you want him taken out. Is that it? Is that Dr. Addamsas function?a aThis is a situation with options. My preference in this matter may not coincide with the preference of others involved.a aYouare on your own in this one, arenat you? And Dr. Addams isnat behaving as expected, is she?a A grunt. Maybe an affirmation.

aShe never does,a Alex said. aWhat do you need from me?a aTo know which option youall pick.a An easy one. aIam in,a he said without hesitation. aUp to my short-lived neck.a The wooden finger tapped, and moments acc.u.mulated. aYou wonat leave?a aNo.a aDonat you want to think about it?a Alex shook his head. aNothing to think about.a Durk made another gesture, and a man emerged from the shadows, put the blindfold back on, and led him out.

He was shoved back into the Eagle, which pinged even worse as it lifted. He felt the motion of landing, hands clutching his elbow and pus.h.i.+ng him out the door into a noisy place. Hum of engine all around.

That wasnat right. He landed in an empty field. A dead lot. There shouldnat be engine noise.

aWhere are you taking me?a he asked.

aBack,a a voice replied. He was pushed forward.

He pressed his heels into the ground. aNo,a he said.

aYeah,a a voice said. aRight.a He felt the displaced air before he felt the fist, but it was a good one when it hit, because he felt, saw, and knew nothing more for some time.

14.

EMILYaS FUNERAL WAS HELD THE DAY AFTER Jaguar was released from custody, in order to have some closure before Thanksgiving. It was packed with students and faculty and friends who all agreed on one thing: her death was horrible.

The students looked frightened and angry. The faculty looked confused, and ready, at a momentas notice, to run away. Leonard stood at the back of the church, and Jaguar didnat greet him on the way in. For all she knew, that was the worst thing she could do. She noticed that he slipped out the door before it was over.

In his eulogy, Ethan focused on Emilyas contributions as a teacher and a scholar to cover the fact that in the past semester shead become an emotional wreck. n.o.body wanted to talk about that. To give him credit, Ethan kept his talk short, and allowed others to speak.

A few students came up and spoke about how much time she took with their papers, with them. She was tough, they said, but she was fair. Jaguar was glad to hear them speak well of her. It was horrible to leave the world without adding something to its share of good, and she was glad that in spite of everything, Emily hadnat done that.

But when Ethan raised his eyebrows to offer her a chance to talk, she shook her head. What could she say? Here lies Emily, who asked the system to be what it could not be. Or perhaps, here lies Emily, whom I did not kill. Or more accurately, Emily whom I did not protect.

That would be her burden, and she felt it heavily. Two people dead, and maybe she couldnat have prevented it, but maybe theyad died on the altar of her need to stay uninvolved. For her, that knowledge was much worse than the suspicious eyes she met everywhere. She didnat need to be an empath to know what they were thinking. The trouble started when that strange woman arrived from the Planetoid, where empaths sucked childrenas blood at night. Of course she killed Emily, those eyes said. And Jaguar, in a very different way, found it hard not to agree.

She walked from the Episcopalian church to the cemetery where theyad lay Emily down for eternity. Intermittent sleet pelted the back of her neck, but she wanted to feel the awfulness of the weather. It matched her mood. As she stood by the grave, waiting for the ponderous funeral procession to catch up, Leonard, who had also chosen the footpath, made his way toward her, head bent to the wind.

ah.e.l.lo, Jaguar,a he said. aNasty day, isnat it?a She jerked her head up at the sound of his voice and looked at him with cold eyes.

aStay away from me,a she said.

His face furrowed in confusion. aJaguar? What is it?a She waited to see what she would say. aI canat do what you ask,a were the words that came out.

She jerked her head toward the students that were getting out of cars, heading their way. There was Steven and Katia. Leonard looked toward them.

aWhy not?a he asked.

aBecause itas a trap,a she said.

He closed his eyes and rocked back on his heels as he absorbed these words. aYou know the difference between being connected and being trapped?a She drew in breath and let it out as a hiss. aYeah,a she said. aWhen youare trapped, you have no s.p.a.ce. When youare connected, you have no time.a Leonardas eyes stayed closed, but his head swung back and forth in a negative. aNo, Jaguar. Itas the difference between love and fear. What youare afraid of traps you. What you love connects you to everything else thatas alive.a He opened his eyes and smiled. aMaybe thatas the lesson you came here to learn.a He put his hands in his pockets and turned his back on her, walking slowly toward the group of approaching students.

She pulled herself farther into her coat and stared down into the hole in the earth where Emily Rainer would soon reside. This was her family plot, Jaguar was told. It had been purchased for her on the day of her birth by her grandparents. Even the state of New Yorkas new laws requiring cremation except in cases of religious taboo couldnat negate previously purchased property.

The sound of feet walking hard brought her up sharp, and she saw Steven and Katia coming toward her. Steven was in the lead, and Katia was trying to pull him back, but he yanked away and took great strides across the slippery gra.s.s to reach her.

When they stood face-to-face, he pointed an ungloved, chapped finger in her face.

aMurderer,a he spit out. aYou have no right to be here.a Too much, she thought. This was too much.

aSteve, I didnat kill her,a she said softly. aYou know that.a aYoua"you did,a he said, punching his finger in the air. aYou did. I know you did because of what you are. Because people like youa"thatas what they do.a She didnat feel like she had an ounce of fight or an ounce of compa.s.sion in her to meet this. It was all pretty dried up inside her right now.

aNo, Steven,a she said evenly. aNot people like me. Thatas not what you mean. You mean people like your father.a He brought his hand back and would have slapped her, but she blocked the swing and wrapped her hand around his. He struggled against her grasp, but she held on. aYou know what empaths say, Steven? Before they go into someoneas mind,a she said, her voice low and harsh. aThey say, see who you are. Be what you see. Try it sometime. You and Katia.a aStop it,a he cried out, his voice suddenly young and very frightened. aYouare hurting me.a She looked at her hand, horrified to see she was twisting his fingers. She let him go. Then she turned and walked away.

Jaguar didnat return to her rooms. Instead she wandered around the old part of the cemetery reading tombstones and staring at the relentlessly gray sky. When she tired of walking, she picked a flat stone to sit on and considered some more. She was still in this state, her thoughts going somewhere she couldnat seem to follow, when she felt a hand gently touch her hair.

aYouall catch your death out here,a Ethan said.

She looked around at all the names, all the graves, all the forgotten lives she walked over so carelessly. aDoesnat everyone?a she said.

Ethan laughed heartily. aDr. Addams, thatas what I like about you. You never let sentimentality get in the way of truth. But you should know enough to come in out of the sleet. How about if we go to my old mausoleum of a house, and Iall make some soup. Would you do that for me so I donat have to worry about losing you, too?a She huddled farther down into her coat and considered. aHow was the remainder of the party?a she asked.

aPretty awful. I still donat quite believe it. My relations.h.i.+p with Emily had its troubles. I know I could have treated her better, but I canat imagine that sheas really gone. It seems so unlikely.a aDeath is like that,a Jaguar said. aDeath and departure. There was no further trouble?a aThere never was trouble, Jaguar. The hysterics of a student in supreme stress will not be held against you. Everyone knows you didnata"a aNo, they donat, Ethan. No more than they know Leonard didnat kill the Gone Girls.a She uncurled herself from her huddle and stretched her face skyward, feeling the pellets of ice bounce off her eyelids. aIt doesnat matter. Not at all.a aMy dear womana"a Ethan started to say, and she waved him to silence.

aLetas skip it. Iall go have hot soup and sympathy at your place, but only on one condition.a aName it. Iall agree.a aThat we donat talk about murders or empaths or Planetoids or death of any kind. Agreed?a aAbsolutely. Weall talk only of gourmet cooking and the higher arts.a He kept his agreement not to talk about Emily, though the feeling of her presence lingered as a sustained ba.s.s note under the preparations of food and surface talk of weather and upcoming end-of-semester tasks.

Jaguar distracted herself by watching his hands slice mushrooms and onions for the soup, focusing on her awareness of how soft they looked, how finely tuned were all the gestures he made with them. When he brushed his hand against hers, she noticed that it was still very cool to the touch. A blazing fire in the living room where they brought their food kept her very warm, but his hands soothed and cooled her. Ocean cool on a hot day.

After they ate, he sat on the couch next to her, brus.h.i.+ng his hands against her cheek, soothing her, cooling her. Ripples of hunger warmed her skin under his cool hand, and desire rose up from her belly and groin.

aYou need some tender attention,a he whispered into her hair, his leg pressed against hers. aA return to feeling and life and desire.a She couldnat produce a word. She could only feel his hands on her face. She lifted her eyes to his. His eyes were very large. She sensed no pull from them, no empathic ability, but his eyes could hold her beyond her will.

aYou are an inspiration to desire, Jaguar,a he said.

Every inch of her skin danced with l.u.s.t, sparkling neurons singing of the bodyas deep contentment, the joy of flesh and hands and mouth. He kissed her, his mouth delicately playing against hers, taking her lips into his and savoring them.

She leaned into him, hungry for this. Hungry for touch, and kiss and flesh. Hungry for desire and feeling after death. Longing for the feel of a live body partic.i.p.ating in life, held close to her. And Ethan was perfect. Detached. Cool. Not riling her emotions as Alex did, though why his name should come unbidden into her thoughts right now was beyond her. Why should she see an image of his face behind her closed eyes now, while her desire grew and she had a place to satisfy it.

Alex? Had she kissed Alex like this? Why would she be foolish enough to do that? She had a memory of it, but it seemed to belong to someone else. And he was gone, wasnat he? She could give herself here, where her body was treated kindly and her heart was left alone, in peace.

Something like smooth, easy laughter rippled through her thoughts, followed by words entering aher just as smoothly.

I will squeeze him from your mind.

The heart of the universe washed into her, wrapped around her, told her what to do.

Stop. Now.

She pulled away from the kiss, and without a break in the flow of her motion she was standing, looking down at Ethan, not sure why she was standing or what she was to do next.

He blinked up at her, his face the model of courtesy. aHave I offended you?a aNo,a she said. aNot at all. Itas justa"a She ran a hand through her hair, and lifted a palm up, unable to complete the thought.

aAre you afraid?a he asked solicitously. aDoes this frighten you?a She resisted the urge to laugh. Who did he think he was? Alex? But she couldnat keep the amus.e.m.e.nt from her voice when she answered, aNo. Iam not afraid of you.a A shadow of anger pa.s.sed over his eyes and was gone. aSure of that, Jaguar? Maybe this felt a little out of your control, and I believe you like to stay in control, donat you?a aNo,a she said, thinking of the last few weeks and how very out of control she had consented to be. aI like to stay with my power, but I donat confuse power with control. Not ever.a aPower belongs to you only if you control it,a he said, speaking with the cool tones of the philosopher. He stood up and faced her, closing her eyes with the tips of his fingers. At his touch, desire spiraled through her mercilessly. She pushed his hand away, opened her eyes.

She grasped his fingers and took them from her face, opened her eyes.

He studied her in his detached way. aWhat is it youare not telling me?a he asked softly, aI know thereas something. All semester Iave known. Wonat you trust me as your friend, at least?a She shook her head. There was no way for her to tell him who she was, what she faced, the nature of the chant shape and how a kiss given from the heart of the universe overrode this temporary desire. She wanted to tell him simply, I canat.

Instead she leaned on the mantelpiece and stared into the fire. aItas Alex,a she said.

aWho?a Ethan asked.

She brought her face up, hoping her confusion didnat show. aEmily,a she said, recovering herself. aI canat so soon after shea"Ethan, it isnat right.a Ethan sat down on the couch, spread his hands out across his knees, and stared down at them. aI see. And I understand. I hope you donat think I was being disrespectful to her, but it seems that the force of life will prevail, particularly after a death.a aI know. And if I stay here any longer, Iall take you up on it, so Iad better leave.a He stood and took her hand, patted it, and let it go. aThank you for that, even if itas flattery.a Jaguar turned her open smile to him. aOh,a she said, aI never flatter. I donat really know how. What I said is just the truth.a And it was, though she still didnat know why.

Planetoid Three, Toronto Replica Alex came to in an empty shuttle outside the Zone 12 shuttleport.

No blindfold. No people. When he ran his hand across his dry mouth and felt the growth on his face, he figured head been out for longer than it took to get him to wherever he was now.

He kicked the seat in front of him. af.u.c.king army,a he said.

He climbed out of the shuttle and stared blankly into bright sun. The street sign at the corner gave directions to downtown Toronto. He was alive and well and on Planetoid Three. He tested his legs for walking and found they were up to the task, so he walked. A man walking a dog pa.s.sed by him and he stopped him.

aCould you tell me the time?a he asked, holding up his empty wrist. Like Jaguar, he couldnat wear a watch. They blew out at every empathic encounter.

aSure,a the man said. aFive after three.a aThanks anda"um, is todayas date the twenty-third?a The dog at the end of the manas leash growled, and the man reined him in. aTwenty-fifth,a he said, eyeing Alex a little oddly.

aRight. Thanks,a Alex said, and walked on. Two days. Head lost two days.

He grabbed a taxia"wheels, not wings, feeling head had enough flight for a few daysa"and took it to the Supervisorsa Building. He asked himself to be as low profile as he could and got down the hall and to his office without being observed. Once inside, he picked up his telecom and punched in Rachelas code.

aG.o.ddammit, what the h.e.l.l is this?a he asked her face when it appeared on-screen.

She opened her mouth and gaped, then stopped gaping. aIam on my way,a she said.

In a minute she arrived and tapped on his door.

aCome right the h.e.l.l in,a he barked.

Rachel slid in, closed the door behind her, and pressed her back against it. aYouare back,a she said.

aNot for long,a he said. aThe army brought me back, and why the h.e.l.l Paul let them drop me off here is something Iad like to find out, but thatall wait until I get back. The next shuttle out is mine.a aNo,a she said quietly.

He stopped and frowned at her. aNo?a aNo. You canat.a Alex looked like a volcano about to erupt, and her eyes grew wide. He leaned across the desk and pointed a finger at her. aDo you have any idea how much danger Jaguaras in?a aI know.a Alex sat down hard at his desk. aCan you explain whatas going on around here?a She sighed, and took a chair across from his desk.

aNot really. All I know is I got a call from Jaguar. She said keep you here. She said at all costs, keep you here. If you talked to her, youad understand. There was something about her words. Likea"they were the truth, and there wasnat any other truth in the world.a Alex pulled back and considered. Jaguar called Rachel. Walking in her power. In that place where only the essential truth remained.

He leaned back in his chair and rubbed at his temples. aRachel, do you know anything else about this?a aNo. But I think Paul does, if you can get hold of him. I heard he was on the home planet and couldnat be reached. Vacation, I think.a Christ, Alex thought. Paybackas a b.i.t.c.h.

aAll right. Iall go looking for him. Are you game for a little fis.h.i.+ng?a aWhat?a aI want you to get into a Pentagon site for me. Iall give you some program codes that might help. Find anything you can about fis.h.i.+ng. Or Go Fish. Gone Fis.h.i.+ng. Anything like that.a Rachel blinked at him. aFis.h.i.+ng?a He explained his conversation with Durk. As much as he could about what head learned.

Rachel shook her head a number of times. aItall be tough.a aIt will. But fish long enough, somethingas bound to get hungry and go for your hook.a

15.

JAGUAR NET WITH THE UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT the day after the funeral. Each member of the department would be given a similar audience when cla.s.ses resumed after the break, to discuss how they had been affected by Emilyas death and strategize on damage control. She would be addressing the students in a general a.s.sembly when they returned, and letters had gone out to all parents.

No wonder she looks tired, Jaguar thought.

Her office was large and sunny, with banks of windows on two walls and a desk with a gleaming dark surface that stretched a mirrored vista against another wall. A soft and intricately patterned Oriental carpet covered the standard inst.i.tutional carpeting, and the paintings on the wall were originals. Mary Yatesas pastel vision of poetry in motion. Monica Milleras Origin of Voices in oil. Krisin Noonanas watercolor of Freya. They were beautiful, and quite expensive, as was the bone china Jaguar sipped her tea from.

aYou like the artists?a President Johnston asked, seeing Jaguar study her walls.

aThree of my favorites. Miller, in particular. I understand she lived nearby.a aYes. In a little town about forty miles south of here. Her home is open to the public. You can go and view some of her later works.a aThat would be lovely,a Jaguar said. aIt might be nice to get off campus for a day.a That was the opening Dr. Johnston was waiting for. She put her cup and saucer down on her desk and leaned forward, folding her hands on her desk. aHow are you weathering the storm? I would imagine youare bearing the worst of the gossip.a That was a good piece of understatement, Jaguar thought. Though forensics had officially cleared her, the police called her office three times a day with more questions, except for Ethan the faculty avoided her like the plague, and her studentsa"shead see about them when they returned from Thanksgiving break.

aItas bad,a she admitted.

The president let her head rise and fall slowly in a sagacious nod, her steely-gray eyes exuding wisdom, sedate and imperturbable. Jaguar wondered if University administrators were trained to nod that way, as if they had the answers. Of course, in this case, she probably did.

aIall make sure to mention your guiltless status in my speech,a she said. aYou shouldnat bear the burden of this, when youare here as our guest.a aI donat know that anything you say will stop the whispers,a Jaguar noted.

aPerhaps not. But maybe your students will help. I understand they like you very much. They seem to get a lot out of your nontraditional teaching style.a aOh, my teaching style is very traditional. Mertec tradition.a Unruffled, the president pondered her remark. aOf course. Your background. Iave heard of your grandfather, you know. An admirable man. Quite remarkable.a Jaguar breathed in, and, with her breath, called in a part of herself she had hoped not to bring to this meeting. The words were out of her mouth before she thought them. aHeas quite dead, too. Which is what Iad prefer not to be. Iam not sure Iall get my preference, though.a President Johnstonas hands, folded neatly on her desk, went white at the knuckles, but her face didnat change at all.

Jaguar continued speaking. aYouave got a funding deal with the Pentagon. Itas about the course. Youare scratching each otheras backs, maybe using the course as an arena for future Pentagon research on psi capacities. Or maybe thereas more to it that I donat know. But I do know that Emily made the wrong move and got someoneas nails in her chest. And whoever killed her is after me, too.a The white at President Johnstonas knuckles was now matched by a blanching at the edge of her lips, which she pressed together tightly. aHave you reported your speculations to any authorities? The police or your Planetoid people?a Jaguar laughed. aWhat if I did?a The president unclenched her hands and picked up her tea, no discernible sign of trembling in her hands as she lifted and sipped. When she spoke, her voice remained imperturbable. Jaguar was impressed.

aDr. Addams,a she said, aalthough I know youare aware of why I wanted someone with your specific talents in the cultural studies department, I had requested that we never meet, and that my involvement in your work here be strictly academic. I almost changed my mind about that after the incident at Cutters, but decided to wait. Now, with this, we need to speak about your a.s.signment. If your work here is connected to this tragic murder and you have evidence of that, you must tell me, and then report it to the police.a Jaguar placed her teacup on the desk and leaned back in her chair. aBulls.h.i.+t,a she said.

A small muscle below Dr. Johnstonas left eye twitched once and was still. aWhat do you mean by that?a she asked.

aI mean, the armyas spent years poking at willing and unwilling empaths, or looking for drugs and technology that would induce psi statesa"particularly telekinesis and precognition. Now theyare on your campus, and I think one of them is Tzok-ol.a She let the two syllables fall harshly from her lips.

aIam not familiar with that word.a aSoul thief,a Jaguar said. aAnd I doubt that I need to explain that term, but in case youare stupid enough to let the Pentagon keep you ignorant, thatas someone who uses their psi capacities to steal empathic gifts from others, usually killing them in the process. Emily knew about it, and got herself killed because of it.a The president kept her face from revealing either belief or disbelief. She only asked, aAnd do you also know who thisa"uma"soul thief is?a The question, tossed casually into the air between them, was at the heart of the matter. Jaguar suspected it was what quite a few people wanted to know. Did she have a name?