Bite Me_ A Love Story Part 3

"Pervy and and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.) So, I, like, start to pull up my skirt to further freak him out, like I'm going to flash the beav, which was a bluff, because I am totally trimmed bat-shape and dyed lavender and I was wearing my hot-pink fishnets, which are full-on tights and put the PG-13 on my no-no place. redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.) So, I, like, start to pull up my skirt to further freak him out, like I'm going to flash the beav, which was a bluff, because I am totally trimmed bat-shape and dyed lavender and I was wearing my hot-pink fishnets, which are full-on tights and put the PG-13 on my no-no place.

But instead of hiding his head and screaming like a little b.i.t.c.h, which is what I was going for, the big gay cop is across the room and has Foo in handcuffs in like seconds, cranking them down tight.

So Foo is all, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

And I'm heartsick at his suffering, so I'm like, "Unhand him, you fascist-a.s.s bear."

And Rivera is all, "Allison, we need to come to an understanding, or your boyfriend is going to jail, and even if the charges don't stick, he can kiss his master's degree good-bye."

Powned! I was forced to lower my skirt in defeat. Foo's eyes were all anime-huge and started to get tear-spangled, and my n.o.ble love ninja looked all pleading to me like, "Please, do not abandon me, despite my obvious emo tendencies."

So I'm like, "We'll give you a hundred thousand dollars to leave our love lair like nothing happened."

And Rivera is like, "We're not interested in your money."

And gay bear cop is like, "Wait, where did you get that kind of money, anyway?"

And Rivera is like, "Never mind, Nick, it's not about money."

And I'm like, "OMG Rivera, your bad cop skills suck a.s.s. It's always about the money. Don't you have a TV?"

And he's like, "What happened out there this morning?"

And I'm all, "You know, vampyre kitties, meter maid sucked to dust, samurai in orange socks, Abby's kung-fu of solar a.s.s-kicking." Then to Foo: "Foo, the jacket is the sickest s.h.i.+t ever!"

"Which is a good thing," Foo translated for the cops.

And Rivera is all, "Vampyre cats? That's what the Emperor said."

'Kayso, it's clear that the cops have doubts, so I explain the whole battle, and Foo's theory of how Chet is making vampyre kitties, and how we are pretty much f.u.c.ked nine ways to Kwanzaa because it's the end of the world and whatnot, and there are metric b.u.t.tloads of kitties in the City, and only two fly, vampyre-frying solar jackets, mine and Foo's, and we are being detained by law enforcement a.s.sbags instead of saving humanity.

So Rivera's all, "What about Flood and the redhead? You helped them, right?"

Kudos to Inspector Obvious, we're only living in their loft, spending their money, and hanging our damp towels on their bronzed bodies. I was all, "They left. All the vampyres left. Didn't you talk to the Emperor? He saw them get on a boat at the Marina?"

"The Emperor isn't the most dependable witness," Rivera says. "And he didn't say anything about those two, but I find it hard to believe that a cat, even a vampyre cat, even a gang of vampyre house cats took down a full-grown parking enforcement officer."

So I was like, "Chet is not a normal vampyre kitty. He's huge. More huge than normal. He's getting huger. If you don't let Foo work his mad science skills to cure him, by next week Chet might be dry-humping the Transamerica Pyramid."

Foo was nodding like a manga-haired bobblehead. He was all, "Truth."

The big gay Cavuto cop is all, "Can you do that, kid? Can you put this s.h.i.+t storm back in the box?"

"Absolutely," says Foo, when he totally has no clue how to catch Chet. "I'll need some time, but leave the handcuffs on, because that's how I work best."

Foo can be most sarcastic when faced with day dwellers less intelligent than himself, which is almost everyone.

'Kayso, Rivera takes the sleeve of my jacket and starts turning it over, looking at it, all Neanderthal discovers fire face. And he's all, "Can you make one of these in a leather sport coat? Forty long?"

And I'm all, "Are you coming on to me?"

And he gagged a little (which was mean), and he's all, "No. I am definitely not coming on to you, Allison. Not only are you the most irritating creature on the planet, you are a child."

And I'm all, "A child?! A child?! Do these belong to a child?" And I pulled up my top and flashed him. And not just a flash, a full, glorious b.o.o.bosity.

And he didn't say anything. So I turned my headlights on Foo and the big gay cop.

And they're all, "Um-uhr-uhr-um-"

I'm like, "Et tu, Foo?" Which is Shakespearean for, "You traitor!" Foo?" Which is Shakespearean for, "You traitor!"

And I ran into the bedroom and locked the door. I was kind of wis.h.i.+ng I'd taken a hostage, except really the only weapon I had was a jacket with little light warts all over it, so I was limited to being dangerous to vampyres and emos who get their feelings hurt really easily by my snarky wit.

'Kayso, then I stared into the dark abyss that is the meaninglessness of human existence, because there was nothing on cable. And in searching the depths of my soul, I saw that I must stop using s.e.x as a weapon, and that I must only use my powers of seduction for good, unless Foo wants to do something freaky, in which case, I can have him sign a waiver. Now, I realize that the only way for me to righteously explore my strength as a woman is to become nosferatu. And since the Countess and Lord Flood wouldn't bring me into the fold, I must find my own way to the blood power.

'Kayso, in a few minutes Rivera's at the door all, "Allison, I think you'd better come out here."

And I'm all, "Oh no, Inspector, I can't open the door. I've taken all these pills and everything's all wiggly. You'll have to break the door down."

Then Foo's all, "Abby, please come out. I need you." He used his I'm sad, wounded, and locked in the castle tower with all my powers gone voice, which I didn't even know he had, but it was tragic and I had to come out and humble myself before the cops like a little b.i.t.c.h, despite my new resolve to partake of the dark gift.

So I'm all, "What?"

And Rivera is all, "Allison, we have an agreement with Mr. Wong. He will stay here and work on a solution to the cat problem, and in return for our not filing charges, you both will say nothing to anyone about our previous-uh-adventures, with Mr. Flood, Ms. Stroud, and any other persons of the blood-drinking persuasion. Nor will we mention any funds that may have changed hands, and who may be in possession of said funds. Agreed?"

I'm all, "Sweet!"

"And you have to go home and live with your mother and sister," the evil Hispano cop continued.

And I'm all, "No way!"

And all three of them are shaking their heads at me. And Foo, who is out of handcuffs now, is all, "Abby, you have to go with them. You're still a minor and your mom will chuck a spaz if they don't bring you home."

"And if that happens, we'll have no choice but to drop a hammer on Mr. Wong," said Cavuto.

And Foo's all, "And to defend ourselves we'll have to tell everyone about everything. So we'll all be hosed and meanwhile, Chet the huge shaved cat will own the City, plus our relations.h.i.+p and stuff would be strained."

And by "and stuff," Foo meant that we would lose the love lair and no one would take care of Tommy and Jody, and Foo would have to become love ninja to some big guy in prison. We were owned.

I was all, "I blame my mother."

I offered my wrists to Rivera for the cuffs.

And they were all nodding, and "Sure," and "That works for me." And "Yeah, I'm good with that."

But Rivera didn't put the cuffs on me.

And I'm all, "Can we have a minute to say good-bye?"

And Rivera nods, so I start to lead Foo into the bedroom.

And Rivera is all, "Out here."

So I unzip Foo's pants.

And Cavuto grabs my arm and starts to drag me away, so I was forced to give Foo only a minor good-bye kiss that brushed his lips like a breeze from the tomb and left a little bit of a black lipstick streak on his cheek.

And I'm all, "I will never forget you, Foo. They may tear us asunder, but our love will endure for eternity."

And he's all, "Call me when you get home."

And I'm all, "I'll text you on the way."

And he's all, "Abby Normal, you rock my stripy socks." Which was totally romantic, because he doesn't wear stripy socks. I cried and my mascara melted in sorrow.

Then Cavuto's all, "Oh for f.u.c.k's sake." And he starts to lead me out the door, but turns to Foo and goes, "Is that your tricked-out yellow Honda downstairs?"

And Foo is all, "Yeah."

And Cavuto's all, "You know it's full of rats, right?"

And Foo's all, "Yeah."

And so I am a prisoner of the dreaded Motherbot and Foo faces the menace of Chet alone. Gotta jet, my sister, Ronnie, is asleep and I'm going to Magic Marker a pentagram on her shaved head. L8erz.

RIVERA.

As they were walking away from delivering Abby Normal and her mother to the apartment building in the Fillmore, Cavuto said, "You know, if I'd had Allison there around when I came out to my dad, I think he would have understood a lot more why I like guys."

"If the vampire cats' victims turn to dust, most won't even be reported unless someone sees the attack," Rivera said, hoping Cavuto's train of thought would head on to the next station.

"She's so obnoxious," said Cavuto. "Like a whole Sat.u.r.day night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body."

"Maybe if we get a cadaver dog," said Rivera.

"Okay, but don't b.i.t.c.h about how the car smells later, because I want chili and onions."

"What the f.u.c.k are you talking about?"

"Cadaver dogs. You were saying we should go to the ballpark and get cadaver dogs for lunch."

"I was saying no such thing. I was saying we should get a dog that's trained to sniff out cadavers to help us find the clothing of the victims."

"Oh," said Cavuto, who didn't want to think about vampires. "Sure, that makes sense. So, Barney's Burgers for lunch then?"

"You buy," Rivera said, as he popped the locks on the unmarked Ford and climbed in.

They drove eight blocks down Fillmore Street toward the Marina, before Cavuto said, "She's right, you know? I am a bear."

Rivera put on his sungla.s.ses and took a few seconds adjusting them on his face to buy time before he answered with a sigh. "I'm glad you decided to come clean about that, Nick, because observing your six-foot-three-inch, two-hundred-and-sixty-pound, growling gay personage for the last fourteen years would have never betrayed your true ident.i.ty, given my dull, homicide detective powers of observation."

"Your sarcasm is the main reason Alice left you."

"Really?" Rivera had wondered. Alice had said because he was too much of a cop and not enough of a husband, but he had suspicions about her testimony.

"No, but I'm sure it was on the list."

"Nick, in all our time as partners, have I ever indicated that I wanted to discuss your s.e.xuality?"

"Well, not beyond using it to threaten suspects."

"And have I ever offered to share the details of my s.e.x life with Alice?"

"I just a.s.sumed you didn't have one."

"Well, that's not really relevant. I'm just saying, I'm fine with you just the way you are."

"Mantastic, you mean?"

"Sure, go with that. Although I was thinking more of large and furry, yet afraid of tiny girls."

"Well, you can't hit her, she's a kid," Cavuto whined.

They found parking in a garage near Barney's. Rivera pulled into a no-parking spot (because he could) and shut off the engine. He sat back and looked at the wall in front of them.

"So, vampire cats," Cavuto said.

"Yeah," said Rivera.

"We're f.u.c.ked," said the big cop.

"Yeah," said Rivera.

6.

The Vampire Parrots of Telegraph Hill A flock of wild parrots lives in the city of San Francisco. They are South American cherry-headed conures-bright green with a red head, a little smaller than a typical pigeon. flock of wild parrots lives in the city of San Francisco. They are South American cherry-headed conures-bright green with a red head, a little smaller than a typical pigeon.

No one is quite sure how they came to the City. It's likely that they are the descendants of animals caught in the jungle, then released to the city skies when they proved too wild to be kept as pets. They fly over the northern waterfront of San Francisco, foraging for fruit, berries, and blossoms, from the Presidio at the entrance of the Golden Gate Bridge, over Pacific Heights, the Marina, Russian Hill, North Beach, and all the way to the Ferry Building near the Oakland Bay Bridge. They are social, squawky, silly birds that mate for life and advertise their presence with a cacophony of beeps and cheeps that inspire smiles from residents, bewilderment from tourists, and hunger in predators, mostly red-tailed hawks and peregrine falcons.

The parrots spend their nights high in the trees of Telegraph Hill, beneath the great concrete phallus of Coit Tower, sheltered from attack from hawks by the evergreen canopy overhead, and from all but the most ambitious cats, by the sheer alt.i.tude. But still, they are sometimes attacked, and although gentle creatures, they will fight back, biting with their thick, built-for-seed-crus.h.i.+ng beaks.

Which is what happened.