Havemercy. Part 9

aRight,a he said, like he was facing down a whole horde of Ke-Han. aToday weare going to try something different.a For a long time no one spoke, and it got pretty uncomfortable, and I was grinning the whole time.

aAh,a Balfour said finally. The little snot. aWhatas that, then?a aWeare going to play roles,a the professor replied, ain order to better understand those who are different from us.a Another silence. This time, though, it was Luvander who spoke up. aYou mean like . . . role-playing?a he asked, all incredulous.

aYes,a the professor said. aExactly.a aBut isnat that like when the redheadas been a very naughty schoolgirl and the brunetteas also been very naughty and theyare spending all this time being punished by the blonde, who does it all with spankinga"a Luvander began, but Adamo cleared his throat all of a sudden, and I supposed Iad have to ask Luvander for the rest of the story later, and who head been to see, and who I should ask for to make it happen.

The professor also cleared his throat. We were all looking at him now, and every man thinking the same thing: basically, that we werenat playing schoolgirls for him or with him, no way and no matter if thaEsar himself commanded it be done.

aNo,a he said patiently, though I could see him grinding his teeth and on the edge of his patience. aNo, that isnat thea"Those arenat the roles weare going to be playing.a aWhat other roles are there?a Compagnon asked, probably acause he didnat have the imagination our fine genius of a professor had.

I was almost busting my seams, I was laughing so hard.

aYouall soon see,a said the professor. And, just like that, he was handing out these pieces of vanilla-colored paper to each of usa"the stiff, good sort, with something written on each. When he stopped in front of me and handed me mine, whatever the f.u.c.k it was, he gave me a kind of smile I didnat like, no matter which way I turned it, and not just on account of the more general dislike I had for his entire face.

aNow,a the professor went on, returning to his place at the center of the circle, ayouall find that on each of these cards Iave distributed is a name.a aItas not my name on this card,a said Compagnon.

aNo,a the professor confirmed. aIndeed, none of your names is on any of the cards.a aSo theyare all our roles,a said Raphael.

aExactly. Three points for you, Raphael, for that apt a.s.sessment,a the professor said. Raphael looked way too pleased with himself after that, and the rest of us a little sour that we were playing a game with points, that none of us had known it before now, and that Raphael was already winning. aThe rules and information are as follows. One: The names and the cards have been distributed completely at random. Two: If you ask to exchange your card for another, three of your points will be deducted. The purpose of the game is to represent the character, the emotions, the viewpoints, and the sensitivities of the name written on the card currently in your possession. Each time you make an astute and insightful observation as to the nature of your particular role, you will be awarded three points. Whoever first achieves thirty points will win the game.a aExcuse me,a said Niall, abut my card says on it aThat Wh.o.r.e Rook Insulted the Other Day for Having Ugly b.r.e.a.s.t.s.aa aIndeed,a said the professor. aIndeed, it does.a aMine says aThe Arlemagne Diplomatas Wife,aa Balfour said, looking at me, then at the professor, then just looking real distressed at no one in particular.

aMine says aThe Arlemagne Diplomat,aa Adamo said. aSo I guess youad best sit here by me.a I didnat want to know what was written on my card, but I guess I had to look so I would know the right way to kill this wh.o.r.eson standing here in front of us all, smug as you like. I flipped my card over. It read, aMargrave Royston,a that f.u.c.king Cindy magician.

aIam not doing it,a I said. af.u.c.k you. Take these cards and f.u.c.king shove aem. Iam not doing it.a aAh,a said the professor, athat puts you at negative three points and Raphael at positive three, and everyone else at zero.a aI feel,a Ace said, sudden and sly, athat as the aPrince of Arlemagne,a Iam kind of in a tight spot right about now, donat you think? What with everyone gossiping about me, even though I managed so cleverly to place all the blame on that ever-so-foolish Margrave of mine.a aIndeed,a the professor said. aVery astute. Three points for you as well, Ace.a aAnd I,a Balfour piped up, aI definitely didnat enjoy being called a wh.o.r.e in front of so many of my peers, or . . . or treated so abominably by that heartless airman of the Dragon Corps!a aTwo astute observations,a the professor said. I was beginning to get the feeling he was all Cindy, one hundred percent, and was sort of especially hot for f.u.c.king Balfour. aThatas six points, I think.a aMaybe, as aThe Arlemagne Diplomatas Wife,aa I said, with a real nasty sneer, ayou shouldnatave acted like a wh.o.r.e to avoid getting called one.a aI donat know if the aMargravea would have said that, actually,a said Adamo, and the professor looked as pleased as spiced wine.

aWell I wouldnat know,a I said, feeling boxed in at all sides. aSeeing as I ainat no Mary Margrave.a aOh, no one said you were,a snapped Jeannot, short and sharp, like a current through the air. He was a quiet one, Jeannot, but he got serious real fast, and faster when he thought someone was wasting his time. aI, as aChief Sergeant of the Airmen,a wish to get through this with as little incident as possible.a Adamo made a sound in his throat like he was growling, amused and happy as an old dog.

aExcellent,a said the professor. aThank you, Jeannot. Three points.a aI guess, as one of the aHandlersa down where the dragons are kept, Iad like it if no one tried to tell me how to do my job,a piped up Merritt, with a pointed sort of look at Ivory, whoad been known on more than one occasion to pitch a fit at his muck-boys if Ca.s.siopeia got touched wrong. But, if you asked me, Ivory was a little touched wrong in the head, so it all washed clean in the end.

The professor nodded, made a note real quick in that d.a.m.ned book of his that let us all know Merrittad got his points, too. Something in the air s.h.i.+fted somehow, changed the way it did when you were on a raid and had to get primed for the fight to come. There were points adding up, f.u.c.king Balfour was in the lead, and all fourteen of us keen on winning now that there was something to win.

I knew the professor had planned it just that way on purpose, the way head planned my card on purpose, so I just kicked back in my chair. I wasnat going to play his game, not even with negative three points.

aAs aProvost,aa Compagnon said eagerly, aI really wish people would stop breaking the rules. Itad make my life a sight easier and I could kick back and enjoy the sweet little paycheck thaEsar tosses me every other week.a aA little obvious, but Iall grant it to you,a said the professor, in a voice that sounded like he thought he was being really gracious. Staring at him reminded me of one other rumor Iad heard about the magician, when he wasnat biting the pillow with foreign Nellie princes.

aIf I were the Margrave Royston,a I said grandly, grinning from ear to ear, aIad blow up your aVersity-stuffed head and dance in the gray matter.a Someone who sounded an awful lot like Ghislain made a disapproving sound. I didnat care, I still thought it was clever as foxes and no two ways about it.

aWell,a said the professor after a moment. His mouth was drawn small and tight, so any words that came out looked forced. aI suppose I have to give you points for at least being accurate on his Talent.a aSuppose you do,a I said cheerfully.

aThat puts you at zero,a he snapped, and crossed something neatly out in the ledger.

aIam pretty sure Rook hurt my feelings, saying I had ugly b.r.e.a.s.t.s,a Niall said, diving into the silence headlong, and his p.r.o.nouncement was punctuated by Compagnon dissolving into a fit of giggles. aI mean, head paid me and everything, sure, but what about my feelings? Just because Iam a wh.o.r.e doesnat mean I donat have feelings,a he concluded, enjoying himself far more than seemed natural.

aAh, yes.a The professor stopped looking angry pretty quick, turned to smile at Niall. He did that to everyone, looked straight at them when they were talking as if it made any kind of a difference. aThat is almost two observations I think, Niall. Youare at six.a Adamo cleared his throat. aAs aThe Arlemagne Diplomat,a Iam still fuming mad that anyone would be not only stupid enough to sleep with my wife, but also to slap her a.s.s and call her as good as a Hapenny wh.o.r.e in front of everyone.a aIad imagine so,a agreed the professor with that stupid little smile of his.

Did they teach him how to do that in the aVersity? I wondered. Maybe that stupid face cut it with a pa.s.sel of school brats, but here it was just out of place, same as the rest of him.

aYeah, and itas all your fault weare here in the first place,a I jeered, but I shut up real quick when Adamo shot me a glare.

aSuppose itas mine too, seeing as Iam thaEsar,a Ghislain said. aI had a real difficult time of it, pleasing everyone sharpish in that meetina room, and it didnat help having two incidents with Arlemagne happening around the same time, either. Guess it was the only thing I could do.a aVery good,a said the professor, and he sounded so happy I thought he was going to p.i.s.s his pants again. aWonderful observations. That definitely makes six.a aIam aHead Mademoiselle at Our Lady of a Thousand Fans,a and I wish people would stop asking me ahow much,a because Iam quite happily married,a said Luvander. There was a sort of quiet that settled over the room after this, with no one able to decide whether they wanted to laugh or not, and everyone turning to look at him. aWhat?a He sat up straight in his chair, looking ticked off. aItas true.a aWell, thatas news to me,a admitted the professor. aBut Iall take your word for it.a aHey now,a I said. aWhatas stopping the rest of us from just making stuff up and spoon-feeding it to you, huh?a aThe goodness of your hearts,a he replied dryly, in a tone that I didnat like at all. It thought far too much of itself, that one.

aAre you calling me a liar?a Luvander spun around in his chair.

aAs a aNew Recruita to the Dragon Corps, Iam either really f.u.c.king lucky or doomed or both, and after my first week itas like enough to be the latter even if no oneas p.i.s.sed in my boots yet.a Magoughin smiled, looking particularly proud of himself.

Balfour was looking a little pale, like that hadnat all been years ago anyway, and him with a new pair of boots whenever he wrote home for one.

aAh,a said the professor, looking a little under the weather himself all of a sudden, like getting his boots all fouled was something he hadnat thought of yet. It was almost sad, really, him with such an active imagination and all. aWell, very good, three points for you, Magoughin.a aUm,a said Evariste. aMy card says, aThat Kid Ghislain Hit on the Head When He Dropped Merrittas Boots out the Window.aa aIt was really an accident,a said Ghislain mildly.

aYes,a said the professor.

aWell, I guess my head hurts,a finished Evariste.

aOh, well, I donat know if Iad exactly call that an astutea"a aIf Iam thaEsarina, I probably wish my husband wouldnat make so many trips to the aFans,a cut in Raphael, clearly eager to take his lead all over again. He paused. aBecause it violates the sanct.i.ty of our marriage. You know, we took vows.a aHoly s.h.i.+t,a I said. aaViolates the sanct.i.tya? Why not just put on the d.a.m.ned dress and a tiara, Raphael?a He sniffed. aItas not my fault that youare losing, Rook,a he said.

aActually, talking of marriage, Iam still very angry with my wife,a said Adamo, and Balfour looked over at him for a moment, all hurt-like before he got ahold of himself, and that was nearly when I lost it. This game was going to drive us all mental.

aAll right, I get it now,a said Evariste again, quickly. aI wish whoever had been dropping heavy boots had been more considerate of . . . who might have been standing there. Below. I wish theyad looked.a aYes, thatas much better,a said the professor, scribbling away like mad in that notebook of his. I wanted to s.n.a.t.c.h it right out of his hands. aBoth of you, well done.a aAs a Member of the Basquiat,a said Ivory at last, in a bored sort of tone, aI ama"depending on my political interestsa"watching this situation with the diplomat from Arlemagne unfold with interest. I want to see how thaEsar will handle it, certainly.a aAs thaEsar Iam thanking the bastion one of yours got mixed up in the mess with Arlemagne,a Ghislain threw back at him. aEvens us out nice and square, donat you think?a aWas Margrave Royston a member of the Basquiat?a Balfour slipped out of character, not that he was nearly nice-looking enough to play the diplomatas wife.

aWhy donat you ask him?a Ace grinned at me with a mouth full of teeth that were just asking to be broken.

aIam not f.u.c.king playing,a I said.

aWell youave managed to raise your score to an even zero,a said the professor, calm as you please. He seemed to have decided that if we werenat going to let him sleep proper through the nights, then he might as well not bother being all careful and polite with us. It even worked; some days he didnat even stink so obviously of fear and rage.

aI cry myself to sleep at night,a Niall spoke up, touched by a sudden inspiration. aI ask countless clients whether they think my b.r.e.a.s.t.s look all right, and if they hesitate for even a moment, I know that terrible airman was right.a aHang on,a said Compagnon. aHow do you know she cries at night?a aWell Iam elaborating, arenat I? Itas one of the skills of the theatre,a replied Niall, in a voice like he thought it was obvious instead of totally insane.

aHas anyone won yet?a Merritt leaned forward in his chair. Maybe he expected the professor to show him his book when he held it that close to his chest, like it was his baby or something.

aNo oneas got to thirty yet, no,a he answered, and studied the page for a moment. His eyebrows went up in surprise. aNiallas in the lead, though.a Almost like theyad planned it, everyone started shouting at once, Raphael even doing some ridiculous high sissy voice that he thought made him sound more like thaEsarina.

Right then, I knew Iad have to start making a list of my own, in order of noses that needed breaking so I didnat off and kill anyone acause of pent-up steam.

And Iad start with the professora"wipe that smug grin off his face for once and for all. I flexed my fingers in antic.i.p.ation. It was going to feel real nice after all of this.

HAL.

Though I expected him to read what had nearly happened right off my face the moment I set foot inside the castle, all the chatelain actually said was that wead best be more careful next time and not wander so far offa"as if we were both his children, no lessa"and then he sent us on our way, my heart still pounding fit to break inside my chest. Iad almost kissed the chatelainas brother. I knew I still wanted to, but no one had guessed it.

Royston, meanwhile, didnat say anything at all.

This distressed me more than I could say, and above the unsteady rhythms of my heartbeat, nervousness began to creep into my blood instead of a fever. Perhaps it was a fever of another sort, a fever Iad been too busy with my books to experience until now, but it transformed me: I was at once too large for my skin and too small to find myself. I answered Roystonas silence with a shamed silence of my own and longed for him to say anything at all. When I dared sneak glances at his face, I could find no clues in his expression that would illuminate his thoughts; rather, he was unreadable as a text in ancient Ramanthe, and I no scholar well versed enough to translate this unfamiliar language.

If only he would take my hand, I thought, or give me some sign. Then my thoughts contradicted themselves; I told myself that for certain he was only being cautious, as at any moment William or Etienne might have rounded the corner, or Mme herself, or any one of the servants. We were certain to talk about my foolishness; Royston was merely waiting for the appropriate time.

I bowed my head. I couldnat bear to look at Roystonas face again only to find it so foreign to me. Yet, despite my fear, I followed him through the halls and back to his room, as per the chatelainas instructions, where Royston paused with one hand upon the door and pointedly didnat look over his shoulder at me.

aHal,a he said.

It was as if my own name had been turned into a spell to be used against me however Royston wished. I knew he wouldnat harm me, and yet I felt suddenly as if I were being harmed, all the same. After all, Iad made an enormous blunder; had a.s.sumed too much from his expression, had asked too much of his experience and his patience. Head done such things before, perhaps more times than I could imagine, while I knew only what Iad read in booksa"and, until now, had been content to know only that. I seemed very foolish to myself, and very young.

I should have been more circ.u.mspect.

At last, I managed to speak. aYes?a I said, barely hearing the sound of my own voice as it pa.s.sed my lips.

aWe must speak, at some point,a Royston said. His voice and his words were all very careful; they seemed to me to be a precarious tower of cards, which the slightest breath of air would send tumbling all at once to the ground. aWhenever you are ready.a I was ready now, I thought stubbornly, but I reminded myself that we both needed warm baths and fresh clothes and some breakfast. aShall I come to you tonight after dinner, then?a I asked.

My voice sounded as careful and as tentative as his. I didnat know what game we were playing. All I knew was that I didnat like it and missed the honest companions.h.i.+p wead shared before.

aYes,a said Royston. aTonight.a I spent the rest of the day in a jangle of nerves. No matter what I did, despite the hot bath I ran for myself and my fresh, warm clothes, I couldnat coax warmth into my fingertips. I tried to read: I could not. I spent time with William and Alexander: I was too distracted. Emilie remarked that I looked as if Iad been spirited away by a faerie circlea"and was that where Iad been last night?

Royston was nowhere to be seen; I a.s.sumed he was inside his room, though whether it was because he too was cold and tired, or because he didnat want to face me, I had no way of knowing.

I dined with the children and he with Mme and the chatelain. We didnat seek each other out in the halls as we were lately accustomed to doing, nor did I make an excuse to b.u.mp into him before our appointed hour for reading.

aSomethingas the matter with Hal,a I heard Emilie say to Mme.

aPerhaps heas caught a cold from staying out all night in the rain,a Mme replied. aKeep away from him the next few days. You donat want to catch it from him, do you?a aNo, Mama,a said Emilie.

At long last it was half past nine, which was when we usually met in the evenings. Wead been in the middle of discussing an anthology of Ke-Han war verse that Royston had brought to the country with him when he left Thremedon, and though his thoughts on rhythm and a.s.sonance were thrilling, it was not the book I wanted to discuss this evening, however terrified I was of the new topic to hand. I had to promise myself to be calm, to be receptive, to be polite.

I rapped twice on the door, which was our signal, and from within I heard him say, aCome in.a It was too much for me.

All at once I was inside, breathless, helpless; I craved rea.s.surance, and felt that without it I would break all to pieces. If only I could know that our friends.h.i.+p wasnat lost to us for good. aPleasea"Roystona"a I began, but he lifted one hand to stop me, and I all but bit savagely into my lip to keep myself quiet.

Fool, fool, I scolded myself. Let him speak; donat trouble him so!

aHal,a Royston said. His voice was warm but guarded. I pushed away from the door and walked uncertainly to sit at his bedside in what Iad so presumptuously come to think of as my chair. Of course, it wasnat. It was Roystonas, and should he no longer want me sitting in it night after night listening to the long, refined cadence of his Thremedon vowels, I would obey his wishes not simply because he was so greatly my superior but also because I cared so greatly for him.

aShall I,a I began, licking my lips. aShall I begin where I left off ? With the war verses, that is; wead just come to the time ofa"a aHal,a Royston said again, more gently. aThere isa"I know it may be uncomfortable for you, and Iall not allow it to continue this way.a There was a strain behind his words, which informed me at once that my presence here was troubling him, making the corners of his eyes crease. Some more dramatic part of me wanted to fall to my knees and beg for his forgiveness.

aI should not have acted the way I did,a I said, picking my words with excruciating care, aand if Iavea"If Iave done something that canat be fixeda"a aIs that what you think?a Royston swore under his breath, a city curse, and beneath the anger in his eyes I saw familiar sadness. aIave made you feel that way, havenat I? I didnat thinka"No, Hal, this is very hardly your fault at all.a aMust there even be a fault?a I asked.

aYou were very cold, and very close,a Royston informed me, as if I hadnat also been there. aI felt a certain . . . instinct, a certain desire, and I found myself almost incapable of restraining myself, until I forced myself to consider the repercussions of my actions. I led you to believe I wanteda"even requireda"something in particular from you. You acted upon that cue I gave you. It was a most ign.o.ble thing for me to do, being so much older than you, anda"I think itas safe to saya"better versed in the subtleties of these entanglements, though obviously no wiser for my experiences, as my recent actions have so deftly proven.a He was hiding behind the comfort of words, as he often did when he was most unhappy with himself. I reached outa"impulsive, clumsy, but unable to stop myselfa"and quickly took his closest hand in both my own. For a moment, I feared head shy away or pull back as if burnt, but he did neither of these things and merely allowed me to hold him, though all the while I could see how wary he was of it.

aIf you can find yourself capable of forgiving me,a Royston went on, still picking his way across the landscape of his words as if they were eggsh.e.l.ls, athen I hope we can continue as we were, forgetting my, ah, indiscretion.a I wanted to tell him that I most certainly would not forget it, feeling suddenly fierce and protective of what had very nearly pa.s.sed between us. It had almost been ours. Was I to give it up so easily?

aIf you wish,a I said finally, my fingers tightening against his. aThere is nothing to forgive.a Royston watched my face closely for a moment, and though I tried to conceal my feelings, I felt as though he could read them as easily on my face as if they were words on a page.

aI know it is very much to ask of you,a Royston said. aAre you sure that you can forget it? You must know this: Iam not saying that I took advantage of you, not entirely.a I could detect a note of panic in his voice, as if this wasnat progressing the way head rehea.r.s.ed it. aYouare twenty years old, fully capable of looking after yourself, a very clever young man, and I hold you in the highest regard possible. If it were within my power, I would take you from here to Thremedon, where you could learn as you so clearly crave to do. It is a . . . different matter here.a aYou didnat take advantage of me,a I said carefully, abecause nothing happened.a aAh,a said Royston. aIa"Ah. Yes. Wella"Not entirely, as I said.a aAnd Iam not one of the children,a I added, knowing full well how foolish that claim must have seemed, blus.h.i.+ng as I was to the tips of my ears with the compliment head just paid me.

aNo,a said Royston. aBut Hal, you are still quite inexperienced. I find myself in a curious position, keenly aware of your promise as a student, anda"a He cut himself off then, shook his head, and said no more.

I sought to rea.s.sure him somehow. aItas all right,a I said. aNothing happened. We were cold, we would have both caught fever if you hadnat acted as youad done. Iam grateful for it.a All these things were truea"Mme had once told me I was no better at lying than a child of three or four, and what was more, I didnat want to lie to Royston. I felt a strange kindling longing in my chest, but I was so enamored of his friends.h.i.+p that I knew then and there Iad do nothing to endanger it.

aThank you,a Royston said at length. aThank you, Hal.a aIs it all right, then?a I asked uncertainly. aIt isnata"I havenat ruined anything?a Royston reached out to brush the troublesome fall of hair out of my eyes. aNo,a he said. aThough if you continue to ask that question, I shall become very angry. Not with you,a he amended quickly. aWith myself, for giving you cause to think such preposterous scenarios have any merit to them whatsoever.a There were his words again. He had an entire library of them for keeping the rest of the world at bay, and I wondered if this was the sort of tactic one was required to learn in the city. Iad never met anyone with the propensity for it in Nevers; men like the chatelain, who preferred to avoid uncomfortable matters, did so generally by clearing their throat and changing the topic with gruff, inexorable insistence. (I knew this much from the time Iad sought to get the chatelainas permission for securing Etienne further schooling with his art, a natural talent the chatelain seemed determined to ignore.) The silence between Royston and me grew awkward without warning; it did so at approximately the same moment his fingers became stiff in mine and I wondered if Iad once again presumed too much.

I didnat know where the boundaries were between us. Nor did I know what we were to each other, too informal to be tutor and pupil, too close to be mere friends, and not yet close enough to be anything more.

That was the purpose of this conversation, I supposed: to establish what it was we actually were to each other.

Even as I watched him, I caught him stealing glances at my face. The sight filled me with inexplicable hunger, and the more I sought to suppress it, the louder it clamored to be acknowledged. I felt my cheeks grow hot, yet though I looked away, I refused to release Roystonas hand.

aWhat are we to do, then?a I found myself asking uncertainly.

aThings have indeed been very . . . unusual between us,a Royston conceded. After a moment, he even s.h.i.+fted his hand so that our fingers were twined together, and from that small movement I gleaned disproportionately large relief. aThe plana"at least, my plana"for this evening was that we might attempt to explore the nature of our peculiar friends.h.i.+p. I would like it very much,a he added gravely, aif you would trust me and allow us to continue to meet this way.a aAnd discuss your books?a I asked, feeling breathless at once. For a moment my eagerness eclipsed my disappointment.

Nothing had changed because, as Iad said already so many times, nothing had happened. This would have to be enough, I told myself firmly. I would be certain not to mistake Roystonas intentions again.

aYes,a Royston replied. aAnd discuss such matters as I think you already quite capable of discussing.a After a momentas pause, he added, aBut we must be careful, you realize.a I couldnat entirely understand it, and I looked at him in perplexity before I grasped at a possible explanation. aI remember that I was once reading a collection of more . . . common verse,a I said, aand Mme said that I mustnat read such garbage where her children might be able to see it.a Royston lifted a brow. aWhat did she do with the book?a he asked.

Iad never quite been able to forgive Mme for her reaction. aShe tore the pages out,a I whispered, shaking my head sadly. aTore all the pages into little pieces and threw them into the fire.a aAh,a Royston said, and turned to look at me fully.

Roystonas eyes were very dark, and Iad known it for a long time, but close to the center there was a light in them, warm and wondering. I felt a sort of wildness skip below the surface of my chest, as though Iad do anything to get him to look at me this way again.

No, that was a lie. I could do nothing at all and I knew it.

I was the one who broke the gaze first, and Royston cleared his throat a few seconds later.

aThat is precisely my point,a he went on smoothly, as though nothing at all untoward had pa.s.sed between us in that moment. aIf we are to learna"and learn properlya"my brother and his wife must be completely unaware of our studies. There are many cases wherein they would a.s.sume, through whatever prejudices they are content to harbor, that the nature of our studies is unfit for their household, and certainly unnecessary for your education. In their minds, you are to be a childrenas tutor and nothing more. They have no sense of learning for its own sake, of learning for the beauty inherent in the struggle.a I wanted to kiss him again. I settled for gripping his hand tight within my own. aYes,a I said. aWould youa"Will you teach me?a aIf youall have me as your teacher,a Royston replied. aBut as I said, we must keep it private. My brother and his wife see only a single goal before them and, I admit, would suspect me of foul play.a aFoul play?a aThey might think I was training you to leave them,a he replied slowly, as though he were struggling to explain it simply. aIn the city, certain Margravesa"certain magiciansa"have had much use for an a.s.sistant, a pupil, whose intellect and honesty they can trust as much as they trust their own.a More than anything, I wished to be that person for Margrave Royston; but at the same time, I knew that wasnat all. My desire had a baser connotation, something less pure and less loyal, and one that betrayed all our arrangements even as we made them. I fought it down again, until at last it curled around my heart and remained there, taunting me. I needed to find some way to silence it.

All I managed to say was, aOh. Oh, yes, I see.a aI wouldnat wish to be so ungrateful for my brotheras hospitality as to steal from him the tutor heas been training all this time to teach his children,a Royston concluded. aI doubt also that you would be the sort of young man whoad wish to worry them so, having them think youad taken advantage of their kindness, only to leave them at the last.a aOf course not,a I said, almost too fiercely. aI made a promise to thema"a aAnd I can see plainly enough how much you love those children.a Royston closed his eyes for a moment, and swallowed. aWhat I think is this. During the day, we must keep away from each other. We must stop this madness of meeting in the hallways every chance we have, or whispering between ourselves in the living room. You do understand what this would appear to them to be?a aYes,a I said, though I regretted it. aYes, of course. I canat neglect the children, after all.a aExactly,a Royston said. aWeall keep our hours of study to the eveningsa"perhaps earlier?a I nodded, and then there was nothing left for us to discuss. Wead solved everything and nothing at once.

If my life worked as a romana"as it secretly unfolded page by page in my innermost thoughtsa"I would have pressed myself against him and told him to teach me all those things he knew that I did not, to cup my face in his hand the way head done before in the boathouse. I would open my mouth to his, and this time, he wouldnat pull away.

Instead, I opened the volume of Ke-Han verse and asked, aAh, yes. Where were we?a aPage twenty-eight,a Royston said softly, leaning close to flip the pages for me, and without a momentas pause he leaned back once more against the pillows to listen to me read.

CHAPTER SEVEN.

THOM.

The first air raid I was privy to during my stay at the Airman came in the middle of the night. I saw no one and heard nothing above the blasting, howling cry of the siren, though I had made my way to the hallway to see what I could discover. There was a light flas.h.i.+ng on and off in the hall, but by the time Iad collected my thoughts and realized over the stuttering of my heart what must have been happening, the siren had stopped ringing and the light was only flickering, unsteadily, over my head. In the sirenas wake was an awful, swallowing silencea"the kind of silence you imagine at the bottom of a country lake or well, deep and dark and unforgiving.

I was tired, uncertain; my heart was still hammering. Iad not been schooled in these procedures. They were of utmost state secrecy, and Iad already been given more information than any other person of my standing and positiona"and for all I knew everyone had gone, leaving me alone to fend for myself in this eerie silence. It would have been much easier, I thought, if Iad been given a contingency plan: some slip of paper that told me what I should do in case of an air raid.

It was just when I was about to give up and head back to my makes.h.i.+ft bedroom, where I would trya"and no doubt faila"to rediscover sleep that a doorway at the end of the hall opened and from it spilled a golden shaft of light.

I recognized the location after a moment of searching for the knowledge. It was Adamoas room.

aThere you are,a Adamo said, stepping out mere moments later. aI take it the alarm woke you?a aI take it the alarm was designed with waking people in mind,a I replied. My ears were still ringing.

aOnly Rook, Ace, and Ghislain have gone,a Adamo explained brusquely. aItas the weekend, which means theyare the ones on night duty.a aI see,a I said, which was a blatant lie.

aEveryone else went back to sleep,a Adamo said. I was going to ask how they managed ita"I would never be able, no matter how many times I heard that bell in the middle of the night, simply to roll over in my bed and fall back asleep in a matter of secondsa"but then I supposed this was why I wasnat a member of the corps, and held my tongue. aThere might be another raid tonight, but probably not. It might even just be a false alarm. Raids are usually only called for one of three reasons, those being that the Ke-Han are at our doorstepa"which is pretty unlikelya"or that one of the watchtowers to the eastas been attacked. Third reasonas if weave been fighting awhile already and thaEsar gets it into his head that a preemptive hitas necessary. Since we havenat been fighting in a while, and since you donat hear the alarms thatad indicate a city-breaching, Iad guess itas the guard towers.a He fell silent, seemingly unaware that this was the most head ever spoken to me.