Havemercy. Part 16

aYet let me ask you one more thing,a thaEsar added unexpectedly, and I found myself looking up before I could help myself. aSince you have, no doubt, grown very close to our Dragon Corps these past weeks.a I nodded, swallowing dryly. aIndeed,a I murmured, though it was a dreadful lie. aIndeed, I have.a aHave you noticed anything . . . odd, of late? About their behavior?a I shook my head. aIam afraid I donat quite understand the question,a I began.

ThaEsar waved his hand again, the simplest of motions striking me mute. aNo,a he said. aThink carefully. This is a matter of utmost importance, and my query is one I must ask you to repeat to no onea"on pain of execution, mind.a He let that sink in for a few moments. aTell me, and consider thoroughly: Have the airmen said anything to intimate that there is somethinga"no matter how smalla"amiss about the way that our war is being won?a Even if there had been, I wouldnat be the man to ask. I searched desperately for something to tell thaEsar, my supreme ruler and a man who balanced my life in his hand easily as he balanced his goblet, but all I could come up with was what it had been like to feel Have between my legs, or the way my stomach flew into my throat as we dove. I thought about the fierce, scuffling fights that had started up in the common room at all hours, some of them silent and over just as quickly as theyad begun, and some of them with Ghislain taking even odds and Magoughin jeering each party with equal delight. I had no idea if there was something amiss now that hadnat been before. Their behavior was idiosyncratic at best, and even if they did have more serious concerns, I knew that they wouldnat speak to me of all people about them.

aI see that you are uncertain,a thaEsar said, relieving me of any need to respond. aThat is all right, of course. You are no airman yourself. But perhaps you might do us another service.a I could do nothing but accept. aYour Majesty,a I said, and bowed yet another time in my chair. aI will do anything you ask of me. I am your servant in this as in all matters.a At least I hadnat forgotten my most basic etiquette.

ThaEsar smiled thinly. aIf you would be our eyes and ears in the Airman,a he said, each word separate and distinct to give them full weight and bearing, athen I would find some way to reward you further.a I understood his meaning all at once. I had no loyalty to the Dragon Corps; I was no member, no airman, no brother in arms. Iad suffered certain indescribable injustices at their hands, and surely each time Iad craved just such a revenge as this to be mine. Hadnat I?

Above all, I was in no position to deny thaEsar what he wished. No one wasa"not even thaEsarina.

Yet neither was I in the position to be his spy among a group of men who barely even trusted me as it was, a group of men whose ringleader had pinned me into place like a collector might pin a b.u.t.terfly. It was obvious which of us was fully in charge in this matter. I could no more spy on Rook than I could ignore him.

aYou will do this task for us,a thaEsar said. aI will expect your reports among those on the progress of the corpsa new manners. Your service is invaluable; you are dismissed.a I made my way out of the room in a daze, bowing obsequiously and disgusting even myself. The servant was waiting for me at the door, and I was led backward through the tangled maze of hallways and darkness until we arrived once again in the real world, where the party was still in full flush. When I turned to thank the servant for his guidance, I found head already disappeared behind me and I was left once more alone.

I saw Rook in the center of the dance floor, twirling a flushed young blonde, but though I watched him, I couldnat get thaEsar or his impossible task out of my mind.

I set back for the Airman before the party was over and spent the remainder of the night on my couch, waiting for the sound of an air-raid sirena"but, of course, everyone was at the palace, and the silence remained unbroken even until the first dawnlight.

CHAPTER TEN.

HAL.

Things were different in Roystonas home from the way they were at the palacea"for which I thought I might be eternally grateful. When I was in his collection of magicianas rooms, overlooking the entire city and swaying with the tower on its precarious foundations, I felt as at home as I ever had in Nevers, if not more so. From time to time I was gripped by sudden fear that the city would swallow us up, tower and all, but this was only my lack of experience, and I felt certain Iad soon enough grow past it. Royston had apologized for the unpleasantness at the balla"and indeed, he seemed rather less distracteda"and the aday of recovery,a as he called it, was a quiet one. We spent it alone, in private. I enjoyed it very much.

There were times when I still felt raw and thwarted over the rules that Royston had set into place for us, his infuriating stubbornness in doing what he thought was fitting, but he still allowed me to take his hand, and to rub at his temples whenever he got one of his now-frequent headaches. It wasnat so bad as all that. I knew I could be patient enough to prove to him what I needed to provea"and then the waiting would not seem so interminable as all that.

aI thought perhaps,a Royston said that evening, athat we might see about enrolling you in a few cla.s.ses at the aVersity.a He was reading some letter that had come for him earlier, the importance of which head protested was completely negligible, but I saw the way he read it and couldnat help my curiosity.

As far as distractions went, however, Royston was quite the master.

aBut Iave no primary education at all,a I protested, almost forgetting the letter completely. Royston seemed to have done the same; it lay folded by his cup of after-dinner coffee as if it were no more than a napkin.

aNonsense,a Royston said. aYouare quite intelligent. I wouldnat have brought you here if I meant to keep you locked away inside this tower like some sort of maiden of old.a aWell,a I said carefully. aBut it seemsa"The expensea"a aNo matter,a Royston said. aIam a wealthy man, unless I failed to impress that upon you earlier with my displays of foolish extravagance. And their purpose was to impress you, by the by. I thought Iad succeeded with the carriage.a aFour white horses,a I said, toying unhappily with my spoon. aYes, I was awarea"a aBut something disturbs you.a Roystonas tone immediately grew serious, and I saw the creases along his brow deepen. aWhat is it?a I struggled to find the proper words to express my concerns without seeming ungrateful. aI would like to attend the aVersity,a I said. aVery much, in fact. I never thought it would even be a possibility. But the cost is something. I wouldnat wish to take your money, any more than I already havea"which has been too much, despite what you may think. I would feel . . . uncomfortable, knowing that youad spent so much on me, without my having any way to repay youa"a aYour education would be an investment,a Royston began reasonably. aIt would be payment in itself to see your mind put to the tasks for which it was meant.a aIf I attend the aVersity,a I said firmly, and with no room for argument, athen I will do so on my own chevronet.a Royston was silent for a moment. I saw him soften, and at last he said, aWe use tournois primarily. In the city.a I flushed to the tips of my ears. Iad known that, of course, but old country habits died hard. aI thought perhaps I might offer myself as a tutor,a I said. Iad been thinking it over since I scrambled into the carriage with him, and I thought it the most viable of my options. aNot children so old as Alexander or even William. Surely there are preparatory schools? Before the primary education? I might even act as an a.s.sistant. It wouldnat entirely pay handsomely, but at least I wouldnat be a burden.a aWhatever you do or do not choose to do,a Royston told me sharply, ado not ever call yourself a burden, Hal.a I was blus.h.i.+ng again. I hadnat meant to imply that, either. aNo,a I promised. aI wonat. Iam very sorry. But I would feel it, Royston, if I simply did nothing.a Royston was silent again, mulling this over, stirring the coffee in his cup. I nearly dropped my spoon at one point, and so gave up my fidgeting. It was a disagreement between usa"as close to any sort of argument as wead ever comea"and I felt miserable for it. But above all I couldnat allow him to spend money so heedlessly on me when I had nothing to offer him in return except myself if I ever managed to overcome his stubbornness, and I didnat wish for that to feel like any sort of common exchange between us.

aNo,a Royston said at length. aYou are right. Of course you are. Iave been distracted; I havenat been thinking clearly.a I stood then, and went over to sit on the floor at his side as Iad done countless times before when he was spinning his stories. aYou havenat,a I said. aTell me whatas been troubling you.a aIn truth, I should not,a Royston said. He paused, though, and I could see him waver on the edge of sharing it with me.

I pressed on, however recklessly. aI know the chances of my being able to help you with it are very slim,a I said, afor I know little about the intrigues of the city. But perhaps I might be able to help even by listening. Iad be glad to,a I added, letting my palm rest against his knee for a moment before I thought the better of it and let it fall. He dropped his hand to my hair and sighed.

aI donat believe the war is about to end,a he replied carefully. aIn fact, I think that we are alla"very efficiently, mind you thata"being lied to, but for what purpose I cannot divine. And the thought that something important is being kept from even those with reason to know it . . . I admit that itas driving me to distraction just thinking about it.a I let this information sink in. Despite Roystonas a.s.surances to the contrary, I couldnat help but feel my own ignorance when it came to discussing matters of the city, or its oddly structured politicsa"much like a tower in the Crescents, as far as I could see, in that there was no way of telling how it stayed up from the outside. aYou donat have any idea as to what it might be about?a I said at last. Royston was the cleverest person I knew, and I found I couldnat quite wrap my head around the concept that there was anything he didnat understand.

He hesitated, then I felt his fingers begin to stroke my hair a little, as though he were in deep thought. I tried not to let the motion distract me too much, though I liked the small rea.s.surance that these moments gave me. Some days, it was very hard to remember what Royston had told me in the carriage, and even harder when he hadnat told me outright. When he touched my hair, or placed a hand against my back to guide me up the stairs, it became easier to believe that I hadnat imagined all sorts of implications which hadnat really been there. Royston did care for me.

aI donat have any idea,a he said at last, sounding as frustrated as Iad ever heard him. aThere have only been . . . anomalies, of a sort.a aOh yes?a I asked, and looked at him encouragingly. For all his brilliance, Royston was often a man who needed to be led like a horse by a carrot if you wanted him to finish his thoughts out loud rather than retreat back into his own mind.

He cast a glance at me and smiled just slightly in the very left corner of his mouth, as though he knew exactly what I was doing. aOnly the paranoia of the rich and powerful, Iam afraid,a he said, and I knew he was joking, could see it dancing in the depths of his eyes, warm and brown. aSpend enough time at the palace and everything starts to seem like a conspiracy.a If he really thought that, then there would have been no reason at all for him to behave the way he was, with considerably more distraction than had ever occupied him in the country, no matter his disinterest in sheep and trees alike.

As seemed to be my curse, I couldnat help but wear my thoughts plain as the nose on my face.

aIam sorry, Hal,a he said, fingers still making restless, nesting motions at the back of my head. aIf you are keen on the specifics, it is only that there were fewer faces at the ball than Iad expected to recognize.a aOh,a I said, trying to divine his meaning as he obviously expected me to. aDo you think theyare at war, then? Off with the fighting?a He closed his eyes to think it over, then sighed. aHal,a he said, aforgive me for burdening you with this; it is most unfair of me. But I must confess that the state of the war itself is what troubles me.a I felt a sudden plummeting in my chest. aWhy?a I asked, and put an entreating hand once more on his knee. aHave they told youa"Do you have to go away already? Was that what was written in the letter?a aWhat?a His eyes went to the object in question though he didnat turn his face from mine. aNo! Oh, certainly not, Hal. Of course I would have mentioned anything such as that much earlier. I only wonder how close to the end we can truly be if the Esar is so keen on calling back so many of my fellows in relative states of disgrace with the crown. That is what I was discussing with my fellows when I so rudely excused myself from your company in the hall.a aWith the blonde woman?a I realized my hand was still on his knee, and felt a flush rising in my cheeks when I remembered how jealous Iad been.

aYes,a he said. aAnd what I canat make out for the life of me is why the Esar would bother if we were just meant to attend fancy parties. Not that Iam not a devotee of fancy parties, by all means; they are infinitely preferable to leaving for war, yet not entirely as pressing a matter, if you catch my meaning.a Still bearing the emotional bruises Iad obtained from my first fancy party, I declined to offer my opinion on the subject.

aMost people do seem to think the waras quite over,a I said, after a moment. It was the first time Iad said aloud what Royston must also have noticed. I didnat have any particular reason for keeping it to myself, only the unfounded fear that exposing it to the light and air would send it crumbling away as surely as ash.

As far as I could tell, it was the talk all over town: in colorful Bottle Alley, where Royston had taken me so that he could buy asomething to rea.s.sure him that all of Thremedon hadnat gone mad for horseas p.i.s.s in his absence,a then all along the wide rows of the Shoals, where wead gone to buy fish for dinner. Little old women with black teeth had even proclaimed it cheerfully, announcing the catch of the day as a special in celebration of Volstovas imminent victory.

So it was silly of me, perhaps, to have held my tongue on the subject as long as I had, as though it were a wish Iad made on a shooting star or something equally childish.

When I saw Roystonas face, however, fondness mixed with a kind of deep sadness, I knew why Iad done it; I hadnat wanted to see that look.

aI know itas silly of me to say,a I said, quickly, before he could speak again. aWhy else would they have called you back if they didnat need you? Of course the war canat be over. I only thought that perhaps, with what everyoneas been saying, there might be something else. Something youare missing?a aHal,a he said, frowning as though he were unhappy with something, though I knew it wasnat me. aI canat say many things for certain at the moment, but one thing I feel as though I must prepare you for is that I will still very likely be called away.a I swallowed around something that rose in my throat. aI know that,a I told him.

In truth I felt a little at odds with myself, not wanting to require the special treatment Royston often afforded me, and yet still craving the kind of rea.s.surancea"unreasonable to ask for, unreasonable to promisea"that everything was going to be all right.

I was going to say something more when there was a knock at the downstairs door.

When first Iad come to live in Roystonas rooms at the tower, the layout had confused me terribly. There seemed to be staircases with no visible destination, doors without any handles that couldnat possibly lead into new rooms. There was even a bright green trapdoor set into the ceiling, but when Iad asked after it he only mentioned something about the best houses having alternative points of exit and left the matter at that.

My consternationa"weighted with the fact that this was in every way still Roystonas housea"kept me seated and waiting while he stood to answer the knock. I did clamber into his chair, though, watching the firm lines of his back fondly, as I tended to whenever I thought I could steal a look.

aThere are people I might speak to,a he said in pa.s.sing. aIf you are anxious to find a place as a tutor.a aYes.a I nodded. aI would be very grateful.a He smiled over his shoulder at mea"seemingly in no hurry to answer the doora"and then all at once a change came over his face, sudden and still as though head missed a step in the staircase. I watched his hand around the banister go white at the knuckles, as though he was forced suddenly to hold on very tightly, and I was out of the chair before I could help myself.

aAre you all right?a I was so close that I could hear his breathing, even and deep, the way it only ever was in sleep, or when he was steadying himself before trying to control some more basic human impulse.

It was a long time before he answered, so long that Iad begun to think he hadnat heard me at all. I asked again, near to feeling ill. aRoyston? What is it?a His head snapped up all at once, clearly startled, and he shook it quickly as if to clear it. aIam sorry,a he said, and there was a rough note in his voice that hadnat been there a moment ago. aItas nothing.a I thought it was self-evident that it had indeed been something, and I took his hand before I could think better of it. aIall see who was at the door,a I offered, and once I was sure Royston could stand on his own I hurried down the steps.

Whoever had knocked was at the door no longer, but when I closed it again I felt something slippery under my foot, and moved aside to examine it. At the bottom of the landing someone had pushed a square white envelope under the door. It felt expensive, heavy, when I picked it up, with sharp corners and stiff stationery. The handwriting on the front was impeccable and addressed itself to the Margrave Royston.

When I carried the envelope back up the stairs, Royston was sitting at the top. He still didnat look entirely right, and I had the useless, fluttering urge to offer him a cup of tea even though he preferred dark coffee or coax him into the comfortable chair by the fire.

What I did was neither of these things, but instead gave over the letter that had been delivered, then sat too close beside him on the top step.

He looked at me sidelong and I realized what it looked like: that I was trying to read his mail. Then he smiled, and it was something like watching the shadow over his face pa.s.s away with the advent of day.

aThank you,a he said, and opened his letter with ruthless precision.

The letter must have been short, as he glanced at it only briefly before crumpling it in his hand. All I could think, against the sudden hammering of my heart, was that it was not paper made for crumpling. It was of very fine quality, much too thick to be of no importance.

We sat in uncomfortable silence there on the stairs, Royston not willing to tell me whatever had been in the letter, and me too cowardly to ask outright, and both of us knowing it was inevitable. In the dull, dark stretch at the back of my mind that perhaps had known what was coming all along, I thought that surely the Esar would be the only man to use such fine stationery. After that realization, it was only a small jump to come to a reasonable conclusion about what exactly had been written there.

There was, after all, only one reason I could think of for the Esar to contact Royston.

As the minutes ticked by, measured by the large grandfather clock in the drawing room, I wrapped a hand around Roystonas arm below the elbow. I was still nervous about touching him first, since there was always the chance that he would remember his rules and become stern with me. It had never happened yet, but my anxiety remained all the same.

aHal,a he began, careful and slow, as though I were a nervous horse that needed gentling to avoid being spooked.

aWhen?a I interrupted, startled by the hardness in my voice.

It must have startled Royston, too, because he refrained from answering, only put his arms close around me and held me tight the way head only ever had occasion to do a handful of times before.

I put my head against his shoulder and hated the war.

ROOK.

I half expected the professor to have stormed his way back to the aVersity by the time the ball ended, but to my surprise, when I got back to the Airman, I found him right where head always been: sleeping or not sleeping or whatever it was he did on his pathetic little couch.

Jeannotad told me right before the carriage ride back that the little snotad met with thaEsar private-like sometime during the nighta"which Jeannot knew because he was friends with all the oldest servants in the palace. You canat buy the respect old blood can get you some places. From the reports Jeannot and Ghislain had got out of aem, it was pretty clear that thaEsar wasnat just trying to keep us acting proper, but was also using the professor to get all the information on us he could without us knowing about it. It was pretty f.u.c.king clever of both of them, and I only saw it as a shame we hadnat acted up enough to get the professor sacked, though maybe Iad wasted too much of my time with that stunt on the balcony and I doubted head be telling anyone about that anytime soon, even threatened by thaEsar, seeing as how I had him pinned. The last thing a snot like him wanted was everyone to know he didnat have a pedigreea"and besides which, if Isobel-Magritteas father was to find out Iad cornered her so nice and easy on the balcony at thaEsaras own ball, there was no accounting for the s.h.i.+t the professorad be armpit deep in.

Truth was that, after learning we had a real son-of-a spy in our midst, I hadnat had much mood for sport. I was too angry, and while there are some girls who like that kind of thing just fine, the overwhelming majority tend to call you a pig or worse, and I already had one professor to deal with. I wasnat completely f.u.c.king crazy. There are some things you just donat bring down upon yourself twice, and the professor was one of them.

Not because he was anything in particular, mind. Just because he was so f.u.c.king annoying.

The carriage ride back everyone was in a mood acause we were all wondering what that meeting meant for us, and whether we were going to have to hang the professor out the window the same way we did to new recruits who couldnat keep their stupid mouths shut.

Finally, I said, aIall take care of it. Donat tell anyone.a aOh?a Jeannot lifted a brow, sliding back in his seat. aAnd how are you planning on doing that?a aIam thinking,a I snapped. aJust keep quiet about it.a It was just me, Jeannot, and Ghislain in the carriage. Jeannot and Ghislain could be out of their minds sometimes and theyad pulled some crazy stunts, but the one good thing about them was that you could always trust them to keep their mouths locked up tighteran thaEsarinaas c.u.n.t when it suited their best interests.

We were safe with the information being ours. For now, anyway.

But we had to do something, on top of that.

After a while I realized Ghislain was looking at me, which meant he had something to say about it and was waiting to be asked with proper grammar and everything to grace us with his brilliance. Ghislain was more or less that smug, but he was big enough no one could complain about it, and I didnat have the time or patience to be all coy like some Margraveas daughter.

aSpit it out,a I said, aor quit looking at me like that.a Ghislain took his time, cracking the knuckles of his left hand and inspecting his nails. aItas you,a he said at length, all cryptic and as smug as ever, like he wasnat spouting total horses.h.i.+t. aYouare the one who has to do it.a aKill him?a I asked. I was only half-joking.

Jeannot snorted and rolled his eyes. aDonat you know anything?a he asked, like he didnat know how dangerous it was to say something that stupid to me. aWhy do you think he sticks around?a aBecause heas got s.h.i.+t for brains,a I said, but by now I was more than half-interested in what the boys were saying.

aBecause heas as stubborn as you are,a Jeannot said, and Ghislain nodded in agreement.

aAnd because heas got s.h.i.+t for brains,a I added.

aLook,a Jeannot said, leaning across the s.p.a.ce between us as the carriage jostled us down the road. aIf he was given reason to believe heas got through to youa"if he was to think youad had a change of heart, or perhaps had seen the error of your waysa"a aYou can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,a Ghislain said, like some sort of Brother of Regina preaching to his followers. I wanted to punch him in his square jaw, but even I wasnat so stupid. Only thing that wouldave given me was five broken fingers.

aSo youare saying Iave gotta pretend like all this talk ofa"seeing the other side of things and opening myself up to my feelings has made a difference in my poor, deluded life,a I concluded for them. aAnd this way, we can control whatever information he thinks heas found to feed thaEsar.a An idea was sort of half-forming, and I liked the way it looked from where I sat. I was sick and tired of having some green-as-gra.s.s professor, barely out of the aVersity, lording himself over me. I wasnat letting him spy on us, either, and the thought of seeing him trip all over himself just thinking Iad seen the light suited me just fine.

aYou are the toughest pupil,a Jeannot finished, leaning back again, for all the world as if he wasnat going back to a building infiltrated by an outsider, one of thaEsaras lackeys, a wh.o.r.eson spy.

I wasnat just going to sit back and eat whatever thaEsar fed us. We were winning his war for him. I could take the professor. Iad taken worse.

aSeems like a plan,a I said.

Then we were quiet, and I had the rest of the ride to think about how I was going to handle this.

The way I figured ita"and it was sort of like a plan of attack, which occasionally I had the inspiration fora"Iad have to keep him guessing, keep him on his toes. Had he changed me or hadnat he? He didnat have to know. If I seemed to be reformed too sudden-like, all the red flags in his head would start waving. I would still keep him scared as a rabbit whoas just seen a fox, but I would also start to give some, to play to his sense of duty, his twisted-up morals head read out of a book somewhere and fancied himself the keeper of. Iad be some kind of an idiot not to use what Jeannot and Ghislain saw to our advantage, and I wasnat any kind of an idiota"no matter how mad I was I hadnat seen it in the first place for myself.

So anyway, when we got back to the compound and saw the professor sleeping, or pretending to sleep, Ghislain gave me one of his unreadable looks, like he was some G.o.d on high and whatever it was he was thinking couldnat be figured out by mere mortal men. Then he looked over at the professor and a kind of understanding pa.s.sed between us, like how he knew what I had in mind and if it kept the professoras mouth shut, then he wasnat going to say a single thing against it.

Good man, Ghislain. Bat-s.h.i.+t bell-cracked, I sometimes thought, or just a hundred times smarter than any of us. But whatever way you cut it, he was still on my sidea"in a manner of speakinga"and that was all that counted.

I closed the door behind me and came up on the professor real slow. This was my world now, not the professoras, and I could do whatever I wanted.

That was about the time I figured out he wasnat asleep: when his back stiffened as I came close, and I could all but see his face, eyes wide open and ready for the attack.

aIave been thinking,a I said.

That sure as bastion wasnat what the professor was expecting me to say, and I had to clamp down hard as the vise of a dragonas mouth not to grin. I had the professor right in the palm of my hand, like Havemercyas reins.

The professor didnat say anythinga"not that I figured he woulda"but I sat down on the edge of the couch right up close to him, slipping off my gloves and easing out of my boots and pretending like I was struggling with what I had to say, when in reality the only thing I was struggling with was not laughing then and there. It was almost the same as acting at one of thaEsaras b.a.l.l.s, pretending like I was listening to what my dancing partner was saying while she let me twirl her a little too close in the midst of the crowd, and maybe let me keep one of her handkerchiefs, a prize of a different kind of war.

The professor mustave been too on edge to speak or move, and when I cleared my throat he mightave jumped straight up into the air if he hadnat been lying down. aLike I said, Iave been thinking,a I repeated. aAbout what you said at the ball.a aOh,a the professor said. aWhat I said. At the ball. I said a lot of things. Most men do when theyare feeling, feeling cornered, attacked. We say a lot of things we donat meana"a aDonat f.u.c.k around,a I said. aYou said it, you meant it. I donat want to play any games. Itas too f.u.c.king late for that.a aOh,a the professor said again. aI see. Yes. Too late, indeed.a aItas just, the way I see it,a I said, swallowing back another laugh, asome of us arenat lucky enough to get to the aVersity and make fine, respectable civs out of themselves. What Iave got is flying. Maybe you canat teach me anything. Maybe youare too f.u.c.king late.a The professor turned real quick, like he just couldnat stop himself, like he just couldnat help it, and I knew Iad hit him deep and hard and in the place that wondereda"same as I did, but only when I wasnat in my right minda"just how different we were. I knew the truth, because I was the one calling all the shots, and if I fed him the right combination of lines, gave him what he wanted, his standards would keep him here, trying to help me. As if I needed to be f.u.c.king helped. He was the one who needed help, and maybe after all this was over he could take a good, long look at himself and change his mind on a few things.

None of that mattered now, though. What mattered now were his big green eyes staring up at me like Iad just admitted my mother didnat love me enough when I was little, or my drunken Molly father beat me. Or no matter what, deep down, I was scared and alone and just las.h.i.+ng out so no one would see it. I wasnat any of those things, didnat have any memory of my parents and didnat much care, but the one thing that was important here was to keep the professor guessing.

aWhat are you saying?a he asked, eyes bright in the darkness.

I chewed my lower lip for a little while. I used to be the best grifter on all of Hapenny, before I met Have and put an end to that business, but there are some things you never forget how to do, and conning a man is one of those things.

aSometimes,a I said, aI do think about it. What I mightave been.a aOh,a the professor said.

He wasnat so brilliant, just saying aoha all the time and nodding, staring at me like that could fix anything.

I let the silence hang all heavy and important between us for a good, long while, then, without any warning, I stood up, leaving my boots behind.

aDoesnat f.u.c.king matter now,a I said, and left him where he was. I could feel him watching me all the way out.

And that was how it started.

I mean, if you want to get precise, you could really say it started on the balcony; but that was just the beginning, a kind of prelude to the main event. This was when I knew the way to keep the professor guessing and keep his loyalties all mixed up like signals in the dark. It would be by dangling what he wanted so bad in front of his nose, and that was exactly what I did. Most would say that being an airman mustave dulled any kindness I ever had in me, but the truth was that by the time I came to sign up for the corps I didnat have any of that kindness left, not even so much as a sc.r.a.p, and it wasnat as if that sort of horses.h.i.+t mattered to me, anyway.

I hit him with moments of my avulnerabilitya like we hit the Ke-Han with the air raids, though it was more unpredictable than that; the Ke-Han pretty much knew to look to the skies soon as the clouds covered the moon. But with the professor, I had to be a whole lot less easy to antic.i.p.ate and prepare for.

What really throws people off is if you donat give them any pattern to plan around. People are real routine-based creatures; they like it best when their days have some semblance of familiarity. So when you throw them off the scent like that, mixing it up every time, you get them below the belt no matter what they think theyare expecting.

First and foremost, there were a couple of rules, and I made sure he knew them. One: I was gonna come to him, if I came to him at all. He couldnat seek me out or head ruin it, get my defenses up and my blood hot, and theread be no talking to me at all, just silence or the sound of me sharpening my knives. I donat think the professor much liked those knives, since they were a reminder of where we both came from, and soon enough the professor picked up on the fact that if he was going to ageta to me, head have to be cagey. That made it pretty hard to go anywhere or meet any of thaEsaras men in case he had something to report, so I had to be sure the professor didnat want to miss a f.u.c.king minute of time just being nearbya"just in case I did have something to say to him, some kind of admission to make, some kind of breakthrough thanks to his guidance.

The professor could sense I was on the verge of something. Then again, the professor was real smart.

Two: There was no talking about it. When everyone else was around and the sun was up and we were having a grand old time of it, he had to learn how to keep his eyes to the floor, as that was the only way he wouldnat look straight at me like he was starving for knowledge, for any little bit of information that could explain who I was, and give the game away. This was private business. I was a private man. I wanted him to think I didnat want the other boys to know I was questioning who I was.

Three: We werenat friends. We werenat going to be friends. We didnat talk about how our days were and we certainly didnat say good morning or good night to each other. It didnat change anything, just his allegiance to me.

All I was doing was getting his hopes up, but hopes are a dangerous thing in a man, and the professor was too proud for his own good. He wanted to see head made a difference, and I was feeding him exactly what he wanted to heara"if only sometimes.

A few days after Iad started, and was just beginning to aopen up,a I let him think head almost lost me againa"called him a pillow-biter and a Nellie and worse than the Mary Margrave and everything, until I could see the despair in his eyes like a gray shadow, like ash.