Havemercy. Part 12

aSit the f.u.c.k down,a I snarled, harsher than Iad meant to. I couldnat grab both his hands in one of mine, they werenat at all tiny like Iadave thought, but I held tight to Haveas harness with one hand, tighter to his wrist with the other. If the air had been perfectly still, Iad have been able to hear his bones grinding. Or maybe that was my teeth. aLet go again and I swear, by Havemercy, Iall let you fall.a I released my hold on his wrist in disgust, gloved hands put to better use trying to steer us clear of the litter of tornadoes that had popped up around the city walls. I was as mad at myself as anythinga"Iad been watching and thinking when I should have been moving, and that was what came of bringing the professor up where he didnat belong for a second.

It was my own d.a.m.n fault, though, trying to teach the professor some kind of reverse lesson.

Below us, Ghislain was still wreaking havoc with Compa.s.sus; she was big enough that the twisters merely nudged them with a suggestion of a twirl this way and that.

Holding close as he was, I could feel the professor shaking like he was out-of-his-mind-terrified, whicha"for oncea"I couldnat blame him for.

The sky was losing its pitch-darkness fairly quickly by this point, so I hoped Balfour was planning on heading back our way real soon. Anastasia could move when she had to, but I knew Compa.s.sus would need a fair timeas warning to make it back by first light.

Something s.h.i.+fted in the clouds.

You never heard Anastasia before you saw her. That was one of her talents. And even then you didnat see her unless you knew what to look for, silver and blue like skymetal, and in the clouds she was f.u.c.king invisible. Still, when I saw the flicker of movement wide of the city, I knew what it meant. Time to go.

I didnat warn the professor this time when we dove either, and I could hear him cursing all the way down, soft in my ear as the wind whipped around us and Havemercy started to sing.

aI didnat know they taught that sort of pretty speak at the aVersity, professor,a I called without looking back at him. When we got closer, I let Have take out a barracks Ghislain had been heading for with Compa.s.sus, because I knew it would get his attention.

aNo, that I learned from you,a the professor answered. He sounded almost sullen.

I laughed, wild and exhilarated with the wind in my blood. Have laughed, too, all creaking and sweet, rattling beneath us and making the professor curse againa"so that I had to wonder if he wasnat really a Mollyrat, same as I was.

Have and I circled once around Compa.s.sus, in case Ghislain hadnat got the message and thought I was trying to start some kind of a game on my own with the barracks, which Iad also been known to do.

He got the message though, and I let them go tearing out ahead of us, smoke spewing in all directions and streaming into my nose and mouth.

The smoke you got used to, but for the first few nights it was pretty terrible, and when the professor started coughing behind me I knew itad be at least a week before I heard the end of it.

I thought I could hear cheering when we went back over the mountains, like we hadnat just razed their city forces to the ground, and over half the towers they used for their magicians with it.

It was like they werenat even trying to win anymorea"which of course Iad heard could happen when you just wore a man down for so long he didnat even care what the outcome was, so long as he could get out. But this didnat feel the same as that.

I didnat like it, and I didnat like having to think about it neither, but with the professor breathing quick and uneven in my ear, Ghislain up ahead, and Balfour out in front, it was all I could do.

Well, almost all, I thought, and joined Havemercy just in time for the verse about ladiesa undergarments. There was a moment where I wondered if a third voice hadnat joined in with ours, but that wasnat too f.u.c.king likely, and in the end I blamed it on the wind.

We got back to the Airman a little more than an hour later, with the sun just peeking her head up above the horizon at our backs. Ghislain and Balfour were flying on ahead and not looking back, so I figured I mightave made it out of this without it being noticed Iad taken the professor out for a spin with mea"though of course if the boys noticed the soot under his fingernails and the grease in his hair, theyad pretty much realize straightaway what wead been up to, what Iad done, and have a list of all the rules Iad broken. Whether or not they actually set that list down on Adamoas desk was another matter. It depended on what kind of a mood they were in and whether or not they saw me sharpening my knives beforehand. Anyway, Adamo had more important things to be worrying about than something that hadnat made any difference in my performance in the first place.

Iad make sure they saw me sharpening my knives.

When we got back into the hangar and I got myself unstrapped, easing my aching feet out of them stiff boots and tossing them aside for the mess-men to deal with and have polished and ready for me by sundown that same day, the professor came down off of Haveas back like his legs didnat have bones in them any longer and his knees were made out of nothing more useful to him than water. The airmen called that kind of wobbling Civ Legs, short for civilian legs, and those whoad got over all that shaking soon forgot their own misery about how it felt, all your body gone numb from the force of riding a dragon all night long.

The professor was lucky. Head made it out alive, and he hadnat had to f.u.c.king steer her or anything, just hold on and make sure he didnat slide off, and he could barely even manage to do that. He hardly deserved a f.u.c.king medal just for staying alive.

I took off my gloves next, pretending like I didnat see him wobbling all around and fumbling with the straps of his goggles, trying to get them off so he could actually see. My fingers were stiff from gripping the harness reins all night long and didnat move quick as they mightave done. Thereas some things a body canat get used to, no matter how many calluses it builds up, no matter how much the muscles s.h.i.+ft to accommodate whatever crazy flying youave been doing of late.

At last, when I was sorted out and all the things that needed was.h.i.+ng were in a corner of Haveas docka"my jacket and my gloves thrown over to join my bootsa"and I made sure Have was settled in nice and comfortable for the night, I turned finally to look at the professor. He was watching me with his big green eyes sort of eeriea"but not accusinga"with the rest of his face soot black in streaks, and only the shape of the goggles marked pale as a backward racc.o.o.n.

aWhy?a he asked at last.

I scratched the back of my neck, just to get my fingers working again. aDonat know,a I answered lazily. aThought, in the interest of sharina and carinaa"a aWhat did you think Iad learn?a he presseda"not quite snapping, and his voice trembling beneath its calm. aOr did you think perhaps youad kill me while we were up there?a aI coulda done,a I pointed out. aBut I didnat. Even caught you once.a The professor barely moved his blackened lips as he spoke. aAnd as I said, I want to know why.a aWouldave landed me in f.u.c.k-all trouble,a I said. aWouldave been some nasty explaining.a aNo one knew I was up there with you. Theread be no body. It wouldnat be any trouble at all.a The professor was smarter than he looked. Mustave been, any case, in order to get so far as to be given this position of wrangling us. I couldave hit him right there, but my hands wouldave cramped up if I tried to clench aem into fists. Instead, I said, aSo what do you think, then? Beina the genius among us.a aI donat know,a he replied, almost helplessly. aThatas why I asked.a aYou want to know that bad?a aThat badly,a he said, then winced. aYes. I do.a aInspiration, I guess,a I said. aThought maybe I could scare you off, make you p.i.s.s yourself. I donat f.u.c.king know.a aI just,a the professor began. He cut his own self short, though, and had to swallow around something that seemed a little too thick for him for a moment, like he was choking on his own thoughts. Not many men could have held on the way he dida"not many men would still be standing now. Any second I expected him to collapse to the floor, but he didnat. aI wish youad tell me,a he finished, finally.

aYou want to know why?a I stepped closer to him, too tired to be real intimidating, but drawing myself up to full height and managing a grina"covered in soot and ash and grease as I was, I mustave looked like some kind of monster out of a storybook. He met my eyes, and there was this weird electric kind of charge between us, like when two dragons fly close enough that their tails or wings sc.r.a.pe against each other and sparks rain down onto the world below. Iad never got that feeling anywhere other than in the air before. I hated it; I wanted to be sick. When my words came, they were even angrier than I thought theyad be. I wasnat so tired I couldnat get charged up by some idiot aVersity civ thinking he had me figured. aIall tell you why,a I went on, ignoring how strange it was. aItas acause all those pretty things you saya"all that horses.h.i.+t you try to feed us about weighing both sides and learning every manas story and getting to know your fellowsa"all of that doesnat mean f.u.c.k when youare up there. I canat stop to ask myself questions when Iave got Have to think about. I canat even balance out what my own f.u.c.king feelings are when Iam in the aira"and I sure as s.h.i.+t donat have time for anyone elseas. All I gotta knowa"all Iave been trained to knowa"is how to not get my a.s.s killed. And maybe tonight I figured that was something you needed to know, so as you could get a clearer vision of your big picture.a I was breathing pretty heavily by the time I was finished, since I wasnat usually a man who talked so much in one go. The professora"who usually was the sort of man who talked so much in one goa"didnat seem to have anything in particular to say to that. No two ways about it: It felt good to get it off my chest. Now it was all out there on the table, how much of a stupid civ he was and how he didnat know the first f.u.c.king thing about any of us. All he was doing was coming in uninformed, disrupting our flow and looking down his snub nose at usa"like we werenat saving his a.s.s and every other a.s.s in the whole of Volstov, leastways when the war was on.

My blood was up and I could barely see straight, I was so tired, my skin heavy with dragonsmoke. He deserved what I threw at him, whether head been man enough to keep his feet after first flight or not.

He did, but only barely. When he wobbled out, if Iad been less firing mad, I would have chased him out of the room just laughing at him, the way he had to hang on to the doorframe and the wall just to keep himself upright.

aYou werenat any better your first time up,a Have said, snorting through her flared nostrils. Dim light from the hangar glinted off them, and I turned back to see her trying to wipe grease and soot off the corner of her mouth. She didnat like the way it tasted, and it was a b.i.t.c.h to clean if it hardened overnight. I didnat trust snot-nosed Perkins, or anybody else for that matter, with her.

No one knew how to take care of my girl but me.

aWas f.u.c.king too,a I said, rubbing down her neck next. aYou told me I was the sweetest ride youad ever had.a aI was young then,a Have said. She sounded wry and echoed like inside she was grinning. aImpressionable. I didnat know any better.a aSave it,a I told her. aIam too tired.a aIam just a Jacqueline,a Have replied. aI canat do anything but tell the truth. He wasnat half-bad. Didnat even p.i.s.s himself on me. I appreciate that in a man. He reminds me of you. Not so dirty, but no one is.a aAre you on his f.u.c.king side or something? Is that it?a Have looked at me the same way Have always looked at me, ever since we first met and my fingernails were dirty and she didnat waste any f.u.c.king time in letting me know what she thought about thata"and all the other things, for that matter. It wasnat a way I enjoyed being looked at, not even when Haveas dark eyes were doing the looking.

aIam just saying, I get a sense of people. Iave got good taste, and there isnat anyone out there whoas ever smacked of you before. Though one of youas quite enough, to be honest.a aDid I keep you on the ground too long, is that it?a Of course, dragons couldnat go crazy the same as people did, but any machine stopped working if you kept it from doing what it was meant to long enough. Some of the prototype dragons had justa"stoppeda"during the first really big lull theyad hit between battles. Since Have was the newest, not to mention the best, I hadnat thought wead be having that problem, but she was talking some dreadful nonsense now. aI ainat nothing like that professor.a aNot a drop? Not a hint?a Have asked, sounding more like some sly, calculating mistress than my sweet girl. aAnyway, I didnat say you had any of his good qualities, the brains and the fancy manners or anything like that. What I mean is, heas got your bad qualities, the poor b.a.s.t.a.r.d. The stubbornness, and the language, too. Doesnat smell as bad as you do, though.a aNever took you for a traitor,a I said. aYouare sure nothing hit you in the head when I was saving that idiotas life?a I was getting real angry, and there wasnat any point in getting angry with someone who couldnat get angry back, so I just breathed real deep and clenched my fists in tight.

aIam not taking anyoneas side,a she said at last, which wasnat a proper answer at all. aGo take a bath.a aDidnat know you were my mother,a I snapped.

aAm not,a Have replied smoothly, eyelids slipping shut. aIadave raised you better.a I didnat do as nice a job cleaning her off as I should havea"I didnat have any time for spending on turncoat traitors when I couldave been catching some much-needed shut-eyea"but the whole thing set me off so bad I didnat have the time to talk to Adamo about how crazy the Ke-Han were acting, and by morning it didnat seem half so important as Iad made it out to be in the dark.

HAL.

The way I felt for Margrave Royston was at once a strange and terrifying sensation. I had no other experiences against which I could measure it. In my ignorance I kept it safe, treasured it, held it private and unanswered and often lonely inside my chest. But for all the misery I felt in not being allowed to express it, I knew also that Iad never exchange the way I felt for a safer, less painful course. It was my own wound, my own loss. Royston was kind and he was brilliant and he told me of the city and suffered my endless questions; he even gave me a gift without any occasion, a parcel of books head ordered specially from a friend. Their bindings were strong, their pages thick. They were so expensive that I did all I could not to accept them, but he insisted and insisted until I could no longer protest without seeming rude. I lined them up one next to the other on the little shelf next to my bed, and gazed at them with almost the same reverence I reserved for Royston himself.

There were times when I cried. But it wasnat for any purpose or reason in particular, and they were few and simple tears, and I kept such moments secret. I was being quite silly about everything, since in truth I was luckier than I could believe.

I was happy. I knew I was. I felt alive and hungry for the first time in my lifea"and it was only now that I realized how little Iad known before Royston arrived, what darkness it was in which Iad have been content to live out my entire life had he not shown me there could be more to real learning than the handful of foolish tools Iad been given.

The days were bright. He answered every question I posed to him. Head forgiven me the kiss I stole from hima"though it was still between us, a shadow like a blow whenever I forgot myself and remembered it. When I was alone, I traced the shape of his mouth over mine and wondered always if it were possiblea"if I gave him enough timea"that Royston would ever return my feelings. But these were silly wonderingsa"foolish, juvenile, the mark of an innocent country boy. He must have thought me very careless to have fallen so quickly and with so little reservation.

Iad promised myself and him not to make the same mistake a second time. If I did, Iad prove an unworthy student. I was determined not to lose that which I still had, and so I was doubly careful, and tried very hard not to take advantage of what concessions he afforded me.

Yet, on the whole, things were well enough. I cherished the moments I had with him, the books head given me, our conversations that ran late into the night.

Then everything changed at once.

The post to Nevers arrived twice a week, once just after the weekend and once just before it. When the man on horseback arrived that afternoon, I thought I must be mistaken as to the daya"or that it might have had something to do with the war, since last nightas raid had woken up half the countryside; the guard tower theyad hit had been nearer to us than Thremedon propera"but William sat bolt upright from where he was sprawled, creating a fortress out of pots that head stolen from the kitchens.

aItas the wrong day for mail!a he announced delightedly.

As excited as William was, I felt a cold sort of dread settle over me. It was a premonition, perhaps, no more than a feelinga"but in all the time Iad spent at the chatelainas castle in Nevers, the post had only ever come at its appointed time and on its appointed day. The only variable that had changed was Roystonas presence here, and because I could think of no one else, I was certain this sudden development had to do with him.

I was right.

William tried to eavesdrop on the conversation in the lower hall, where Royston and the chatelain and Mme were talking with the man on horseback. And, although I wished to hear their words for more immediate reasons than Williamas general curiosity, duty required me to guide him away from the banister and do my best to distract him from matters that werenat any of his business. Nor were they, I supposed, any of mine.

Though I tried my best to keep William entertained, I could no more keep his attention from wandering to the business with the untimely post than I could keep mine from doing the same. We were both wretched to each other, and I admit a pot handle was broken that afternoon when William had a fit over how strict I was being with him.

Perhaps I was. I apologized to him, and we endeavored to fix the pot handle, but all the while I could think of nothing but Royston, standing there at the bottom of the stairs, his back to me.

For all I knew, he was going to leave.

It was latera"too much latera"that I spoke to Royston and learned what the trouble was. In fact, it was he who came to me, knocking twice upon my little door. Head never done so before, and I knew at once that there was real trouble.

I let him in, and we stood before each other awkwardly.

aIave been called back,a he said at last.

aOh,a I replied stupidly. aTo the city.a aYes,a he confirmed. aIt means they need my Talent.a aFor the war?a aFor the war.a The tales Royston told of battle were distant; Iad always a.s.sumed, however naively and stubbornly, that they were in the past, and head never be put in the path of such danger again. Yet he was still a young enough magician with a vitally useful Talent. Iad never had any cause to believe what I believed beyond my own private hopes. The idea of being separated from him was not so terrible as the knowledge that he would be leaving me to go to war.

I felt as if I were going to be sick. A moment later my knees gave way and I was sitting down heavily upon the edge of my bed, gripping the sheets until my knuckles were white.

aHal,a he said. I barely heard him.

aWhen?a I asked.

aTomorrow,a he replied, his voice very distant, coming to me over the thrumming of blood in my ears. aAs soon as possible, but Iave been given tonight to set my things in order and settle up matters in the country. My carriage should arrive sometime tomorrow morning.a I shook my head against it, closing my eyes. If pressed to categorize how Iad come to feel about Royston, I didnat believe it in my capacity to phrase a response. I cared for hima"more than anyone else, I cared for him. I knew what life here would become without him. This change was unimaginable. aI donat want you to go,a I said. The selfishness inherent in the words made them sound poisonous to my own ears, but I couldnat stop myself from speaking them.

aI cannot very well s.h.i.+rk my duty,a he said, and I thought I saw the ghost of a smile in the corner of his mouth. No matter how bitter it seemed, I couldnat bear to look at even the imitation of a smile on his face in that moment. aNot when the Esar has so . . . graciously agreed to end my term of exile in the country much sooner than expected.a I let the words roll off me, even as I recognized what he was doing.

aBut you live here,a I said, soft and insistent. I couldnat make myself stop.

aHal,a he said again, and he knelt on the floor so that I would look at him. Under normal circ.u.mstances this might have stirred some small wonderment in me, for Royston was not given to such sweeping gestures. Yet all I could feel was the dull throbbing in my skull, the sound of my pulse proclaiming that Royston was leaving both the countryside and me. aHal, I would like you to listen to me since Iam going to be gone in the morning and Ia"a aStop saying that,a I said, meeting his eyes at last. aI heard you the first time, Iam not stupid.a He moved to take my hands, and found that he could not, as I was still holding tightly to my bed. Instead, he laid his palms somewhat awkwardly over my clenched fists. Something worked in his jaw.

aI know you arenat stupid,a he said. aIt is one of your particularly unique qualities, Hal, and I donat have a mind toward forgetting it anytime soon. No. Nevertheless, Iave decideda"at least, I thoughta"to have an eye toward asking you something.a He was thinking out loud, babbling in the way Iad only heard very rarely, which meant that he must have been quite nervous.

I was in no mood to console him, terrible and selfish as my misery had become, but my hands unclenched a little from their iron hold on the bedspread to wrap around his own. aSay it, then,a I whispered.

aCome with me,a he said, all at once, as if he were afraid it might lodge in his throat halfway before he had the chance to get it out.

It startled both of us, and me so much that I found myself unable to speak.

aIa"I would be most honored if you would come with me,a Royston quickly revised, looking down at the floor with what appeared to be considerable interest. aIave thought about it. Or rather, since I received the news I have been thinking about it, and, well, I think itas the best solution. In any case, there it stands. My invitation may come as quite a shock, but I am nevertheless very serious about it.a I was too shocked to laugh at the way he was speaking, overly serious, as though it was a business proposal, and so I did the only thing I could do: I just flinched. My surprise was tempered with pleasure and dismay at once; I wanted to pull my hands away to cover my face and found that I could nota"of course, because Royston was still holding them.

In all the strangest fantasies Iad entertained since I began studying with hima"and there had been many, in this very room, extravagant and off center as my thoughts ever werea"I had always imagined that Iad give anything to hear him ask this very question of me. I would be most honored if you would come with me.

In as many words, that was all Iad wanted. Yet it was one thing to imagine it in the dusky moments between waking and sleeping, and quite another to be faced with the possibility, real and whole in the waking world.

I knew at once the complications; they were why Iad always a.s.sumed it would be no more than a daydream.

aI know that I would be depriving the children of a most excellent tutor,a he went on, seeking to draw me from my silence. aI merely find that I have grown . . . accustomed to your conversation, as well as your company, and while there are a rare few people in this world whom I consider my friends, I find quite suddenly that you are one of the dearest. As I said, the request is selfish. Yet it isnat entirely ludicrous, either. We coulda"There are some things, Hal, that would be greatly facilitated by a move to the city.a I didnat dare to imagine what he meant by that. In the moment, with all that I stood to lose, I couldnat afford to presume myself into even further disappointment.

aIf you wish to stay with me, then you shouldnat leave,a I said, horrified at my own selfishness but still unable to stop myself. I freed my hands to hold his face, tilting it up to get a real, full look at it. aDonat leave.a He looked at me with dark, miserable eyes, and I felt guilt settle heavy in my chest like a burden.

I hadnat meant to be a burden.

aHal,a he said at last.

aI canat go,a I whispered, pulling my hands away and drawing my knees up to my chest. I wished quite suddenly that he wouldnat kneel so before me: Our positions were abruptly reversed, and I found myself unexpectedly averse to the change. It was one of many changes. I couldnat bear to look at it straight on. aSince I was a child, my father promised me. And the chatelain has done so much for me, funded my entire education, brought me here to live in his house and fed me, clothed me. My bed is his, the clothes on my back, all the books on my shelves, save for the ones you gave me. I couldnat be so ungrateful. I canat go.a aPlease,a Royston said carefully, as though he had no idea what an effect such words had on me. He moved now, unfolding from where he knelt, and paused but a moment before he sat beside me on my bed. He almost knocked the back of his head against the sloped ceilinga"something Iad done countless times before.

aBe careful there,a I murmured. aThe ceiling is very low.a aAh,a Royston said. aYes. I see.a We sat for a time in uncomfortable silence while I fought off the urge to cry, or indeed to think of anything at all. My thoughts were treacherous, and my fingers felt impossibly cold.

At last, I heard Royston draw in a measured breath. aI would pay them very generously in thanks for their understanding,a he told me, with a straightforwardness that stunned me. aThey would understand, I thinka"and it is not as if you are the only tutor in all of Nevers. You wouldnat be leaving them in such dire straits as all that.a aThat would be asking too much of you,a I replied, as soon as Iad found my voice.

aI think it a negligible detail,a Royston replied, awhen I have just asked so very much of you.a aItas quite different,a I told him. On the whole I felt as if my mind had been oddly separated from all my emotions; I was speaking, certainly, but at the same time not entirely sure I was in control of the words I spoke. I might have been a mechanical dragon more than I was myself, for all I had control of my actions, or understood the recklessness of my own heart.

aIt isnat so very different as all that,a Royston said. He turned his face as though he sought to capture my gaze and, after a moment of unnecessary perversity, I allowed our eyes to meet. There was something in his gaze that made me wonder if he was trying to say more than Iad heard. I felt something clench tight within me, unruly and curious despite myself. aIf,a Royston continued, gently, aby this offer, I presume too mucha"a This was hard for him. I saw it in the tight lines around the corners of his eyes, the matching lines, just as tight, around the corners of his mouth. I knew enough of Royston to know he wasnat the sort of man given to such persistence; when he was denied so firmly something he wanted for himself, he withdrew to prevent any further infliction of the same hurt.

Yet here he was, importuning me further. I was repaying him for all his kindnesses by being stubborn as a mule and heedless as a child.

aIam sorry,a I told him, all at once and in a breathless rush. aRoyston, please, you mustnat think me ungratefula"a aI donat.a aa"and you mustnat think I wouldnat want to go with you,a I went on, abecause when I think about what it will be like once youave left, itas too insufferable.a Roystonas eyes lit up for a moment with warmth and good humor, and something that looked a little like relief. aIam glad to find us in agreement on that point, at least,a he said.

I flushed, and pressed on, determined to make myself heard. aOnly,a I stammered, aonly I canat do it. To leave without any warninga"to abandon Alexander and William and Etienne, even Emiliea"a aIt is quite sudden, yes,a Royston agreed.

aAnd whatas more,a I added, blush growing deeper, aI donat know the first thing about the city.a I realized all at once that the majority of my altruism stemmed not from my desire to repay my distant aunt and her husbandas kindness, nor was it to save the children from the sadness of parting. Rather, it was my own intractable fear of the city herself, all three maidens, whatever specter of it Iad concocted. I was raised in the country, and I thought of it without reservations as my home. While I wished to follow Royston, and I dida"it was almost feverish how completely I wished ita"I was also terrified.

I faltered then, and Royston saw through my protestations at once.

aHal,a he said, taking one of my hands in both of his own, ayou are far more clever and far better-read than most students at the aVersity. What separates you from them is their monstrous sense of self-ent.i.tlement, but no more than that, I a.s.sure you. The city, too, is no more than the countryside with a great many more houses and a great many more opportunities.a He paused for a moment, then allowed himself a slight, self-deprecating smile. aPerhaps that is somewhat oversimplified,a he continued, abut there is some truth to it. I asked you to come with me when I leave tomorrow with some considerable measure of selfishness, but at the same time I would never have made the offer if I didnat think you would benefit from the arrangement just as mucha"if not more soa"than I. There are some people who arenat made for the limitations of the countryside. You are one of those people, Hal. If you say that you will be happier here reading what little my brother can procure for you, teaching the basic patterns of grammar to my nephews, then I will not press the matter further, and though I will be quite distraught to take my leave of you, I will do it. But can you truly look me in the eye and tell me with all honestya"and do not let fear temper your answer, Hala"that the city does not hold for you something you crave, something you have always craved, something you have longed for ever since you first imagined it might be out there, just beyond your reach, waiting for you to have the chance to attain it? Tell mea"it is the same longing you foster when you read, is it not?a When he was finished speaking, I found I could scarcely breathe. Royston was a peerless speaker, and had he asked me at that moment to leap out a window, I suspect I would have done it for him without hesitation. His eyes were very bright and his face alive with the meaning behind his words. I felt my heart stutter in my chest as my breath stuttered in my throat.

This was one of many reasons why I so often dreamed of kissing him. He spoke more beautifully than the most exquisite pa.s.sages Iad ever read.

The expression on his face was too overwhelming, the force of his words too pure. I looked away from him and knotted my fingers in the bedsheets.

aIt is,a I whispered. aI do wish for that.a aWhen I was somewhat younger than you,a Royston told me, aI left my home in the countryside. I had no such offer as you have before you now, anda"Iave never told this to anyonea"I was completely terrified of all that lay ahead of me.a aBut you did it yourself,a I replied. aYou have no reason to feel beholden to anyone now, for the . . . the price they paid for you when you were that age, to rescue you, to show you all the things you speak so eloquently about.a I was near to shredding the sheet, and I forced myself to let go of it before I really did tear it. aIt is almost . . . too kind of you. Your offer.a aI wonat hold you to it,a Royston promised. aI donat expect to be repaid.a I shook my head. aThen you undervalue me,a I said. aIt would seem that I owed you too much.a aThen think of it in terms of my selfishness,a Royston said candidly. aIn the terms I have tried my hardest not to think of it. As I said, you are more than worthy of the city, but if you would do me the favor of considering it from my perspectivea"Hal, I am quite close now to begging for your company.a It was much the same as the way Iad begged for him to stay.

We were unexpectedly equals, at least in terms of how greatly opposed we were to being parted from one another. After a moment, I found myself laughing, then Royston was laughing with me; we ran the gamut from nervous to relieved in no more than a second, and I fell against him, hiding my face against his shoulder, m.u.f.fling the sound of my laughter in shades of grat.i.tude and delight.

aWould you really?a I asked him, when Iad quite composed myself once more. aWould you really take me away from here, take me with you to the city?a aThis is no jest, Hal,a he said. aI would never have offered it if I didnat have every intention of seeing it through. A good a.s.sistant is a rare thing to come by; a good student even rarer.a aMme will be so angry,a I added. aSheall be likely to faint all week.a aLet her be angry,a Royston said. aShe deserves you less than anyone else here.a I sobered for a moment when I thought of the others. aI will miss them,a I said softly. aIam very fond of the children.a aThey shall come to hate me, no doubt, for whisking you away from them,a Royston replied. aI will be their evil uncle, who stole the light out of their lives without any warning.a aDonat,a I murmured, and nudged his shoulder lightly with my own, but there was no vehemence in my rebuke.

aHal,a he said, and I wondered what it was about his voice that could make my own name sound like a t.i.tle both foreign and beautiful. Despite what good sense had taught me about the extent of Roystonas personal feelings, I turned slightly, and tilted my head up.

He touched my cheek, and looked at me with an expression that Iad only ever seen him wear when he spoke of Thremedon, his beloved city. Then he winced, and took his hand away to press it against his forehead, a faint glimmer of unhappiness crossing his face.

aIam sorry,a I said quickly. I didnat know why I had thought . . . but it didnat matter. If Royston was going to take me to the city with him, I would have to be more circ.u.mspect.

aNo,a he said, though his argument sounded halfhearted at best. aIt isnat that. Iave only . . . Iave got something of a headache, thatas all.a aOh,a I said, accepting the lie, because it was clear that was what Royston wanted me to do. aThatas all right. We cana"we donat have to talk.a We were silent for a while after that, but this time it was without the prior awkwardness. I toyed with one of the rings on Roystonas left hand, and he allowed me to do it. It was a ring for poison, with a complicated, stiff catch, and the silence that stretched between us was punctuated by the sound the ring made when I managed to open it.

At last, Royston said, aWill you come with me, then?a aYes,a I told him, without hesitation. aYes, Iall come.a aAh,a he replied. The pleasure and relief flooded his voice, deepening it. aWell,a Royston went on, and I was sad to hear that quality disappearing from his voice, aitas rather late to talk to my brother about the matter.a I hid a yawn against the inside of my elbow. aI donat know what I should pack,a I admitted.

aDonat worry,a Royston said. aI shall see to that. Would you . . . ah, would you like me to stay with you awhile? If you have any questions about the citya"about what will be expected of you therea"I wouldnat mind answering them.a I had a few, and we stayed up a while longer, talking in hushed voices. Only once more did Royston show signs of the headache that had bothered him earlier, but he insisted it was nothing. He spoke instead of what Thremedon would be like this time of year, what plays would be having their runs in the theatres, and how he was friends with one of the airmen in the Dragon Corpsa"none other than the Chief Sergeant himself. It all seemed rather like a dream, and indeed I must have drifted off without noticing it, for all at once I was opening my eyes to the sound of birds chirping outside.

The first thing I understood was that I was alone; there was no other warmth curled against me in my small bed.

I jerked awake all at once. Something was wrong, but for the first few reeling seconds of consciousness, I couldnat remember what.

Then, I remembered everything all at once. Today I was leaving for the citya"Royston had been with me before Iad fallen asleep; head asked me to goa"but he was beside me no longer, and all at once I couldnat tell if what had pa.s.sed the night before had indeed been no more than a dream. I could remember, only in bits and pieces, what it had been like in the night with Royston beside me, the anxieties that plagued me waking me and his warmth at my back. At one pointa"if I could be certain that I hadnat dreamed it alla"Iad even turned to press up against him, one arm around his shoulders. Head let me.

My cheeks were too hot and I was frozen in placea"not just because of the colda"staring with unthinking misery at the rumpled sheets drawn clumsily but unmistakably around me.