A Step Of Faith Part 28

"You've lost someone close?" I asked.

She didn't have to answer. I could see in her eyes that she had.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have asked."

"It's okay," she said. "I want to tell you. I think you might be one of the few people who would understand." She leaned forward on the edge of the bed. "When I was sixteen, my parents decided to take a trip to Denver. I was the oldest, I had a sister who was just a year younger than me and two little brothers. I had cheerleading camp so I couldn't go with them.

"The morning they left, my mother was stressed about leaving me alone and kept nagging me about keeping the house clean while they were gone and 'no parties' and 'no boys' and all the things parents say to irresponsible teenagers. I finally yelled at her and said, 'All right, you're making me crazy. Just get out of here! Just go already!' " Paige frowned. "I'll never forget the hurt in her eyes. She kissed me and told me she loved me, then got up and walked out of my room. I felt so embarra.s.sed for having behaved badly that I didn't even go out to see them off. I just watched from the window." She wiped a tear from her eye. "It was the last time I saw my family.

"My father had just gotten his pilot's license, so he wanted to fly the family to Colorado. On the flight home it was foggy. He got disoriented and crashed into a mountain. Everyone was killed.

"I was taken in by my grandmother, but it was hard. I was a mess. I was grieving and had survivor's guilt. I became really self-destructive. I changed my friends and started drinking. Then I started smoking pot and taking painkillers. I became promiscuous, which made me hate myself even more.

"My grandmother tried to help, but I was too much for her. I told her that she wasn't my mother and to just keep out of my life or I'd move in with my boyfriend. My boyfriend was a worse train wreck than I was. He got me most of my drugs.

"Around that time I developed an eating disorder. I got down to eighty-four pounds. I'm pretty sure that I was trying to kill myself.

"One night I was at a party and one of the boys had brought some heroin. The guy didn't really know anything about the drug, he was just acting cool and handing it out.

"As usual, I was up for anything. My best friend Kylee and I tried it. We took what the kid gave us, which was way too much, especially for our first time. I pa.s.sed out.

"When I woke, I was in the back of an ambulance throwing up into a bucket. I was so drenched with sweat I thought I had fallen into a swimming pool. I can't describe the pain." She shook her head. "It was ... horrendous.

"They stabilized me at the hospital. The next morning I started asking about Kylee. It took a while to find someone who knew anything about her, but I eventually found out. She'd died before the paramedics got there.

"Two days later my grandmother came and picked me up. She was so upset that she didn't say a word to me the whole way home. But as soon as we were inside, she said, 'When are you going to stop this insanity?'

"I said, 'I almost just died.'

"She said, 'Yes, I know.'

"Then I said, 'My family died.'

"She said, 'And you think that gives you a pa.s.s to stop living? My daughter died! And now I'm watching my granddaughter kill herself. Should I just give up on life like you did? Should I be just like you?'

"I told her that I hated her, then I broke down sobbing and ran to my room and locked the door.

"That night I had a very intense dream. I was lying in bed when I suddenly realized that my mother was sitting at the foot of my bed. She looked very sad. I was scared, but I was also so glad to see her. I said 'Mom!' She looked into my eyes and even though she didn't speak, I could hear what she was thinking. She said, 'You are loved, Paige.'

"It took a moment for the message to sink in. I began to cry. I said, 'I don't deserve to be loved.'

"She said, 'Love is not earned. It is a gift from our Father.'

"I said, 'I'm so sorry I didn't go with the family. I should have been with you,' but she said that it wasn't my time. Then I started to apologize for what I'd said to her the morning they left, but before I could finish, she said, 'Paige, you are loved.'

"I just broke down and wept. When I could speak, I said, 'What do I do?' and she told me to fill my life with love. I said I didn't know how, but she just smiled and said, 'Of course you do. You love me, don't you?'

"When I told her yes, she said, 'Begin there. Begin by treating my mother as if she were me.'

"I asked her if I was dreaming, and she smiled and said, 'Tell Grandma that Babbo says he's still waiting for her answer. And tell her to be patient with the little rose. It's been a tough winter.' Then she said, 'Remember to love my girl,' and she was gone.

"I got up early the next morning. I felt like a new person. I cleaned my room, then I went into the kitchen and made breakfast. Grandma came into the kitchen to see what was going on. She was so surprised. But there was still a lot of tension between us, so she didn't say anything. She went to get her tea and I said, 'Sit down, Grandma. I'll get it.'

"I got her tea and poured it for her. Then I sat down at the table with her. We looked at each other for a moment, then I said, 'I'm very sorry about what I said last night. I didn't mean it.'

"She said, 'Maybe you did.'

"I began to cry. I said, 'No, I think I just hate myself.'

"She stared at me a little longer, then said, 'You came to this last night?'

"I said 'Yes.' We just sat there for a while, then I said, 'I saw Mom last night.'

"She gave me this concerned look. I'm sure she just thought it had something to do with the drugs. I said, 'I don't know what it means, but she said to tell you that Babbo says he's still waiting for an answer.'

"I thought she was going to faint. She turned white as a sheet, then she began to cry. When she could speak, she said, 'Did she say anything else?'

"I said, 'She said to be patient with the little rose. It's been a tough winter.' "

"Little rose?" I asked.

"I found out later that before I was born, Grandma would pat my mother's belly and call me her little rose."

"And Babbo?"

"Ten years after my grandfather died, my grandmother fell in love again. He was from Italy and his children called him 'Babbo.' It's an Italian term of endearment, like 'Daddy.' She started calling him Babbo too.

"He asked her to marry him. She said she loved him, but she had been single for so long that she wanted to take the weekend to think it over. He joked that he'd come by on Sunday night to collect his 'yes.'

"She made up her mind that she was going to marry him, but he never came by. She called his house the next morning and his son answered. Sunday night he had pa.s.sed away from a stroke."

Paige paused. I looked down for a moment, then took a deep breath. "What happened next?"

"I changed. I stopped drinking and partying. I got help for my eating disorder and I went with my grandmother back to school to meet with my counselors. I was able to get my grades back up enough to graduate.

"After that, I started working with hospice. Every now and then I'm able to share some of my own experience to help a patient. I have a good life."

"You're headed back to see your grandmother now?" I asked.

"Yes. She's in the final stages of cancer. I guess it's her turn." She looked up, smiling through her tears. "I don't know what she's going to do with both Grandpa and Babbo up there!"

We both laughed.Later, after we had turned out the lights to go to sleep, Paige asked, "Do you ever feel your wife near you?"

I thought about it. "Sometimes," I said. "Sometimes."

CHAPTER Twenty-one