Finding Laila: Some Changes Are Necessary Part 9

"And look where that got you," he counters.

"But why this pact? If you really felt this way all this time, why would you agree to it?"

He huffs a small laugh and shakes his head, clearly embarra.s.sed that I'm asking this question. "You know that thing about marking your territory?"

"Excuse me?" I ask, wide-eyed.

"Not like that, but I was a stupid kid. I hated the idea of you dating one of the guys, so when Cole suggested it, I guess it seemed easier to handle if no one would get to be with you."

"That has to be the stupidest thing I've heard," I scoff.

"I mentioned we were young, right?" he defends and I laugh.

"But when they started dating, why didn't you say anything then?"

"Same reason you're scared to do anything now." He smiles.

"Touche," I concede.

"Look, all I'm asking is for a chance. Let me take you to Cole's today, I'll pick you up at four and you can give me your answer then."

"What if I don't have one yet?"

He c.o.c.ks his head to the side and smiles as if he's thinking. "I've waited this long. I can wait a little longer."

Chapter 7 ~ Finding History.

When we finish our walk, Haden leaves with my a.s.surance that I will give it more thought. I'm not sure what he thinks I'm going to come up with in less than six hours. All I can think about is his question about keeping secrets.

I never thought of my silence about my crushes on the guys as potentially damaging. There was no reciprocation on feeling, so no harm, no foul. And it was so long ago.

Midway through eighth grade, I had a cla.s.s with each of the boys. Haden had convinced me to take art because it would be an easy A.

It was the first C I ever got.

It was the basics, yet it was beyond my ability. Apparently there was not an artistic bone in my body, despite my best efforts. But I could appreciate the talent.

I used to love watching Haden work because there was an intensity in his technique that was hard to ignore. It wasn't the first time I saw Haden Searle as more than one of my best friends. But it was certainly the point where I knew that the friends.h.i.+ps I valued so much would be laid on the line if I were wrong. I developed a crush on him that drove me insane with jealousy, and I was not typically a jealous person.

Apparently I wasn't the only one who saw his talent.

He had saved me a seat on the first day of cla.s.s, so he could teach me on the side, but Caarly tried to take my place midway through the first month. Haden had that dark and brooding thing going on that girls liked, but it was mainly because he wanted to be left alone. I admired his kindness first and his talent second-but his looks weren't far behind. I wasn't blind.

One day, I walked in to see Caarly sitting in my spot, twirling her hair and trying to gain his attention.

"Are you dating Laila?" I overheard her ask him.

I stood at my art cubby and fumbled with my books to buy myself time to listen in. We weren't dating; I wasn't dating anyone. He was most definitely ripe for the picking so there was nothing stopping him flirting with her. She wasn't the type of girl I pictured him dating, but then again, what did I know?

"What's it to you?" he asked, never looking at her.

"Nothing," she smirked. "It's just, well, I think she might be into you, and if you're not into her, then maybe you wanna hang out sometime."

He didn't answer or stop working, and I could tell she was getting irritated when she spoke again.

"Interesting. Maybe you aren't even into girls."

His hand kept moving with ease over the paper he was sketching on and she was beginning to get annoyed. Yes, over that semester, I'd started to look at Haden as more than a friend and I knew he wasn't into me like that, but I'd never considered that he wasn't into girls at all. My heart broke a little because I'd really hoped that maybe he'd look at me as more than just one of the guys someday.

"Whatever you need to tell yourself, Caarly," he muttered.

I walked over to join them, having heard enough from her. "You're in my seat."

She looked around and feigned surprise. "Are you talking to me?"

"He's just not that into you, Caarly. Why don't you find someone else to throw yourself at?" I said as I leaned down into her face with a smirk.

Her mouth dropped open and Haden's shoulders shook as he chuckled, never ceasing the work on his latest piece. She looked from Haden and then to me before shoving out of the chair and getting in my face.

"I was not throwing myself at Haden Searle," she protested, and I crossed my arms over my chest and watched her get all worked up. "Trust me. I have no problem getting guys to date me."

"Are you trying to convince us or you?" I leveled my eyes at her.

Without another word, she stormed off to her table at the back of the room and sulked for the rest of the period.

"Wow, Nixon, I've never seen you jealous," Haden laughed but never looked at me.

"And you still haven't," I lied before taking my seat next to him.

That afternoon I went home and wrote in my journal, because that's what I did since I didn't have any girlfriends to talk things out. I'd learned over the years that any girls who did try to befriend me were using me to get to the guys. Eventually I enacted a 'no-girlfriends' policy, which served me well-until it didn't. I had my mom, and I could go to her with things, but I was protective of what I shared about the guys.

I still have every journal I've ever written, so I go to my closet and dig for the black and white spiral that I remember. I hide things well, so it takes me a few minutes of searching to find the right one. When I do, it's marked with the telltale warnings of a moody fourteen-year-old.

Open it and die, the words read, and I laugh. I flip through the pages until I find the entry I'm looking for.

Where do I even begin?

Sometimes I hate being one of the guys. They are all so great, but it sucks when they are all starting to get cute and I'm still...me. My hair is too stringy, my b.o.o.bs are nonexistent and I'm too tall. I suppose it could be worse, I could be completely alone.

Caarly threw herself at Haden today and I got so mad. He actually accused me of being jealous and while yes, I was jealous, I still can't believe he said that to me. What's he trying to do, mess up our Quarry Gang? (I call us that, they don't, but I'm waiting for it to catch on.) At least Caarly wasn't being nice to me to get to him, that's a new one. I'm so sick of some of the popular girls coming up and trying to be my friend just to get to Braxton, Cole, Joey or Haden. It's laughable to think I'd have any influence over the guys in the girl department. Doesn't matter anyway because as soon as they figure it out, the girls stop talking to me and it's just one more person I can add to the "I hate Laila Nixon Club." (Trademark pending, I'm sure.) I can guarantee that there are no guys trying to get in with those four to get to me.

Last year, I had a crush on Braxton, the year before that, it was Cole. This year, I can't stop looking at Haden. I swear, one day, he's going to catch me and then I'll die from embarra.s.sment. Joey is the only person I'd ever tell about my crush, but he gets all weird when I tell him about who I like. If he knew I liked Haden, he'd probably tell me everything that he does wrong and make me feel stupid. I suppose it will have to stay here in this journal, which is fine with me.

But if Haden's not interested in Caarly, there's no way he'd ever look at me. Could he really be into guys? Not that it matters... but I've never noticed him look at the others like that, but maybe I'm missing something, or maybe they aren't his type? I would never ask him because if he is, that's something he'll let us know when he's ready, but still, what am I supposed to do about all these messed up feelings I have for him?

Should I tell him and get it out of my system? No, that's not a good idea because then things could get very weird.

Maybe I need to make a list-a list of everything about him that I like and don't like so I can get him out of my system for good.

Haden's Good qualities: 1. he's really cute 2. he's a great friend.

3. his artwork is amazing.

4. his eyes.

5. his arms. (I love his arms.) 6. he's one of the nicest people I know.

7. I like when he holds my hand, even if it's just as a friend.

8. he always has my back.

Haden's Bad qualities: 1. he can be too intense.

2. he's not into me 3. I don't stand a chance.

4. He's my friend-not a bad thing, just a "problem" to ever being more than friends.

5. ???.

All right, I've looked at this list for five minutes and I can't come up with anything else wrong with Haden. UGH! This is going to be a long year if something doesn't change. Maybe he'll do something gross, or say something mean and I'll finally get over him.

Please let me get over him. I can't have my heart broken by one of my best friends. It will ruin everything.

I finish reading and recall those feelings I had for him. I rarely cried, but that day I did and it took everything in me to push the feelings aside so I could get over him. I'm not sure how long it took, but eventually the feeling subsided and things went back to normal-where Haden was my friend and I no longer had to fight the things inside of me.

Chapter 8 ~ Finding Compromise.

"Mom. Dad," I call out, running down the stairs, "Haden's here-heading to Cole's."

"See you there," Dad answers but Luka stops me.

"Lala, can I come with you?" she asks from her seat in the living room with a sweet smile. Well, others think it's sweet. I think it's s.h.i.+fty.

Usually, my stock answer is a solid "no," but looking at her dressed in her play clothes, it's easy for me to consider. Besides, I have an ulterior motive: if I take her with us, then she will serve as a distraction for the rest of the group.

"Ask Mom," I tell her, knowing that Mom will definitely welcome the break.

"Make sure you have her booster" is all she says from the kitchen.

I knew she was listening.

"C'mon, brat, let's jet. Haden's waiting."

She walks over and takes my hand, and for once I let her. I know I sound like an awful person, but I really do love my sister; she just annoys me.

Every. Day.

I catch her going through my purse, or sneaking into my room to try on my shoes. The kid is five; we have nothing in common. But for whatever reason, when I'm home she shadows my every move.

Haden opens his car door when we step onto the front porch and flashes a huge smile at me. I watch as his eyes move down to Luka before he looks up at me and c.o.c.ks his head to the side. He raises an eyebrow and I mimic the gesture before he crosses his arms over his chest, revealing his chiseled biceps, and I lose the rest of my thoughts.

Well played, Searle; you win this round, Searle.

Maybe Mom was right... maybe I never really did get over him.

"Hey, Lukadoll!" He walks over to her and picks her up for a hug and seemingly dismisses me. "You comin' with us?"

"Yeah, Mommy said I can but I have to get my booster." She smiles as he sets her to the ground. She runs off to get the seat from the minivan, leaving us alone.

"What was that?" He nods his head to the porch where I was standing moments before.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I lie with a smirk.

"Thought you'd bring your sister to protect you from me, huh?" he grins.

Busted!

"What? No-" I can't seem to defend myself appropriately. "She wanted to see her boyfriend."

"I'm not her boyfriend, Lai. I hope that I'm already taken." He looks at me sincerely. "Unless this is your way of telling me no." He raises his eyebrows in question and leans in to whisper in my ear, "But I really hope it's a yes."

My eyes flutter shut and I know that it's a yes. There's no sense in fighting it, but I'm only able to nod.

He steps back and worries his lip with a nod of his own. "So you don't even want to try?"

"Yes," I answer without hesitation. "I do want to."

"Want to what?" Luka interrupts and looks between Haden and me.