The Pretty Committee Strikes Back Part 14

Claire picked Doose up off the icy floor of the igloo and held him in front of her face. "You'll know it's the right moment, because suddenly there will be nothing left to say."

Ma.s.sie felt a wave of panic crash inside of her. "No! I hate awkward silences. We get them sometimes when we're on IM and it's buh-rutal. We'll be having a good conversation and then suddenly it stops for a second and the screen is blank. Then no matter how hard I try to come up with something ah-dorable to say, it seems forced and lame and I feel like he's going to think I'm boring." For a split second Ma.s.sie regretted how honest she was being. She had never been open about her insecurities before. It felt more uncomfortable than shower time in the OCD locker room. But at the same time, it made her feel weightless and free, a feeling she usually identified with walking down the street after Jakkob had just given her a wash and a bouncy blowout.

Claire's wide blue eyes were filled with patience and understanding. "This will be different, I promise. It won't feel like an awkward silence. It will be more like there's tons left to say, but you won't need words to say it."

Ma.s.sie opened her mouth to question Claire's theory but was cut off.

"Trust me, you'll just know. You'll feel a springy tingle in your stomach."

"Okay, okay." Ma.s.sie hurried her along. The MUCK girls were due any minute. "Then what?"

"Then you'll be looking at him and he'll be looking at you." Claire was gazing into Doose's black marble eyes. "And you'll inch toward each other slowly."

"Wait." Ma.s.sie's hand shot up in the air like she was in cla.s.s. A bead of water dropped off the roof of the igloo and slowly trickled down her wrist toward her elbow. She wiped it away without a second thought. "What if he doesn't inch and I do?"

"It's okay. Once you start, he'll follow." Claire sounded like she had been teaching courses on kissing at Harvard. "But don't close your eyes yet or you may miss your target," she warned. "Shut them slowly. Imagine they're being controlled by the dimmer switch in your bedroom."

Ma.s.sie wanted to strangle Mr. Myner for having confiscated her PalmPilot. She needed to write all of this down. "Okay, so when do I close my eyes?"

"When you make contact."

"Okay." Ma.s.sie sighed. She was starting to get it.

Claire handed Doose to Ma.s.sie. She grabbed it with both hands and held it in front of her face. It was heavy and awkward and kept tipping to one side.

"Lemme hold him," Claire offered.

"So, you be Derrington's voice." Ma.s.sie uncrossed her legs and kneeled on her beanbag. It felt good to be the one giving the instructions again. "Say something that lets me know we're at the point where we no longer need words."

"Okay." Claire cleared her throat and hid her head behind Doose's. "I'm so glad we've been hanging out lately. I've been having a lot of fun."

Ma.s.sie cracked up.

Claire glared at Ma.s.sie from behind the head. "You're not supposed to laugh."

"I can't help it, I'm about to kiss a dead moose."

"That's all you'll ever kiss if you don't take this seriously," Claire snapped.

Ma.s.sie was about to snap back but decided to let Claire get away with her bossy att.i.tude. It wasn't like there were any witnesses.

"Fine." Ma.s.sie repositioned Doose so that he was looking right at her. She shook her head to get back into character. "Feed me that last line again."

"Ma.s.sie, I'm so glad we've been hanging out lately. I've been having a lot of fun."

"Me too." Ma.s.sie stiffened her bottom lip to keep from laughing, then slowly leaned in toward Doose, her eyelids shutting with every inch she traveled. When her lips met Doose's Ma.s.sie yelped and quickly pulled back. "Ow," she wailed and rubbed her top lip. "He has p.r.i.c.kly whiskers."

Claire burst out laughing. "You want me to go get the fish?"

"Okay, okay." Ma.s.sie rubbed her hands along her knees. "Give me one last pointer and then I'll just have to wing it." Ma.s.sie was bored with the lesson and with letting Claire boss her around. She debated telling her she'd read William Cane's The Art of Kissing The Art of Kissing twice and watched his DVD. But why reveal all her secrets? twice and watched his DVD. But why reveal all her secrets?

"Hmmmm." Claire looked up and rubbed her chin like she was sorting though decades of experience. "I would have to say the most important thing is to keep your lips closed. Because once you open your mouth, you're inviting a French kiss, and I'm not sure you're ready for that."

"Great, thanks, Claire." She reapplied her gloss, straightened the candles, and puffed up the beanbags. "You've been a total help," Ma.s.sie admitted. She never would have thought to bring the moose.

The familiar sound of Ugg boots on twigs could be heard just outside the igloo.

"They're here." Ma.s.sie fell back into the biggest, beaniest beanbag and ran her hands over her hair. This was her last chance to make the girls in her grade forget about "Nina the Obscene-a" and wors.h.i.+p her her. And they would. Because this time Ma.s.sie was ready.

"Heyyyyy," Dylan burped when she crouched through the low entrance. She rubbed her belly. "You guys are lucky you missed the dinner. That bananas Foster was so b.u.t.tery, it should come with a warning." She burped again and fanned the air around her face.

Alicia, Olivia, Carrie, Alexandra, and Livvy squeezed in and immediately made themselves comfortable.

"Welcome to MUCK." Ma.s.sie tried to sound calm and confident. "Where's Layne?"

"Shesaidshehadcrampsandneededtoliedown," Carrie said. "Shemusthaveeatenthestew."

"Whatevs." Ma.s.sie shrugged.

"Ehmagawd," Alicia gasped. "It looks ah-mazing in here."

"Mr. Myner is going to be so impressed," Olivia said.

"No. He. Won't." Ma.s.sie sneered. "Because if he knew we were in his igloo, he would have our heads stuffed and mounted over the fireplace."

Olivia giggled at the thought.

"I'm serious, Ah-livia. He can't find out we were here."

"Don't you think he's gonna wonder where all these candles came from?" Olivia asked.

"No." Ma.s.sie glared at Alicia, holding her responsible for bringing Olivia into her life. "Because when we're done, you're going to take everything back to our cabin."

"Okay, great. Now can we please get to the kissing?" Alexandra pleaded. "I am so going to smooch Kemp Hurley tonight."

"Thenyoubettertakethatchunkoflettuceoutofyourbraces," Carrie suggested.

Everyone cracked up while Alexandra used her pinky nail to loosen the light green leaf. She reached her arm back and wiped it on the snowy wall behind her. A chunk of mushy snow fell off and plopped onto the ground.

"Ew," everyone moaned.

"Now do you understand why my first lesson had to be on oral hygiene?" Ma.s.sie was proud of herself for making that connection. This was going to be easier than she'd thought. "So, can I a.s.sume everyone except Alexandra has been flossing and brus.h.i.+ng?" do you understand why my first lesson had to be on oral hygiene?" Ma.s.sie was proud of herself for making that connection. This was going to be easier than she'd thought. "So, can I a.s.sume everyone except Alexandra has been flossing and brus.h.i.+ng?"

Everyone nodded.

"Good." Ma.s.sie smiled. "Then please apply your Glossip Girl so we can get started."

All at once the girls dug into the pockets of their tight jeans. Once their lips were s.h.i.+ny, Ma.s.sie leaned down and picked up the moose head.

"Meet Doose, our super-cute movie star boyfriend," Ma.s.sie said.

The girls giggled.

"He kind of looks like Ross from Friends Friends," Dylan said.

"Ithinkit'smorelikeSandraBullock," Carrie said.

Everyone cracked up.

"Okay, focus." Ma.s.sie clapped her hands, then proceeded to give them the same lesson Claire had given her. She taught them to wait for the moment that didn't need words, to inch in, and to close their eyes like they were being controlled by a switch. Everyone pa.s.sed Doose around and did their best despite the wiry whiskers around his lips.

"Very nicely done," Ma.s.sie congratulated them.

"Now that our lips are on his, what do we do?" Livvy sc.r.a.ped the gloss off her lips with her teeth, then reapplied more.

"Well that's up to you," Ma.s.sie said. She was very impressed by how well this was going. They were definitely looking to her for the answers, and she had them. "This is where you have to decide if you want to keep it a closed-mouther, which is fine, or if you want to take it to the next level and go for tongue." Ma.s.sie avoided Claire's eyes. It was one thing to fake like you had experience but it was another to do it in front of someone who knew knew you didn't. It was like openly cheating on a test while the teacher was looking. you didn't. It was like openly cheating on a test while the teacher was looking.

"Tongue." Olivia beamed. "Teach us about that."

"Ew." Livvy winced. "Can you end up with food in your mouth?"

"Only if you're kissing Alexandra," Ma.s.sie joked.

Everyone laughed while Alexandra ran her fingernail across her braces. Her face was bright red.

"When using tongue," Ma.s.sie became serious again, "it's important to keep it relaxed. No guy wants a stiff, pointy tongue poking around the inside of his mouth. You have to soften it and follow your partner's lead." Ma.s.sie made a mental note to write author William Cane a thank you e-mail when she got back home. She'd sign Olivia Ryan's name, of course. "Everyone stick out your tongues," she insisted. "Now relax them."

They did what they were told.

"Ood." Ma.s.sie responded with her tongue sticking out of her mouth. "Now move it around ut eep it re-axed."

Ma.s.sie pulled her tongue in so she could speak clearly. "Now move it left, center, right, center, left, center, right, center." She clapped out the beats and they followed perfectly. "Do your best to avoid the igloo's walls or you'll get stuck." She gave them a few more minutes to practice, then told them to relax. "Those of you who want to tongue-kiss should be running these drills at least three times a day."

Livvy's hand shot up in the air. "What about those of us who just want to lip kiss?" she asked shyly.

"I suggest you put a little Vaseline on a toothbrush and scrub your lips twice a day to keep them supple. Oh, and work on holding your breath. When you're dealing with the closed-mouth variety, you've basically taken an oath not to breathe. If you do, you run the risk of being labeled a dragon, which is just as bad as having a stiff, darting tongue. So practice, practice, practice."

Carrie raised her hand.

"Yes." Ma.s.sie pointed to her.

"HowlongdidyoupracticebeforeyoustartedkissingDerrington?"

"Unfortunately, I didn't have that luxury," Ma.s.sie replied. "He caught me off guard and I just had to wing it."

"When exactly did this happen?" Dylan asked. "Was it at the OCD Tree-lighting Ceremony?"

"No, I bet it was after the tree-tr.i.m.m.i.n.g gala," Alicia jumped in. "There was tons of mistletoe around."

Ma.s.sie looked at Claire and then at the sheepskin rug below her feet. She hadn't prepared for these questions.

"I'd rather hear about the kisses, not the parties." Claire came to her rescue.

"Me too," Alexandra agreed.

Ma.s.sie looked at Claire and thanked her with a soft half-smile. Claire gently closed her eyelids to say, "You're welcome."

"Did you go straight to tongue, or did you stay closed for a while?" Livvy asked.

"We went straight for the tongue," Ma.s.sie said. "Thank Gawd he knew not to poke or dart, or I would have dumped him on the spot."

"How did you you know?" Livvy asked. know?" Livvy asked.

"I have been studying the art of kissing forever," Ma.s.sie said. "I've picked up some pointers from Pa.s.sions Pa.s.sions and and One Life to Live." One Life to Live."

"Likewhat?" Carrie asked.

"Like always tilt your head right."

"But what if you both go right?" Olivia was confused. "Won't you b.u.mp noses?"

"No, Oh-livia." Ma.s.sie rolled her eyes. "His right and your right are opposite if you're facing each other."

"Right, but what if you're not not?" Olivia looked at the others with a c.o.c.ky grin, like she had just found a big, gaping hole in Ma.s.sie's theory.

Ma.s.sie paused while the others laughed at Olivia's stupidity. Eventually Olivia laughed with them, but it was obvious from the flat expression behind her eyes that she had no idea why.

The drops of water started coming down a little faster now, and the girls were getting distracted. They'd have to pat their heads dry before their hair frizzed and their mascara ran.

"What'sgoingon?" Carrie asked.

"It's getting hot in herrrrrre," Alexandra sang.

Suddenly everyone broke into Nelly's old hit.

"Shhhh," Ma.s.sie hissed. "We'll get busted."

"Ehmagawd." Alicia lifted her gray cashmere Ralph Lauren coat over her head. "It's pouring on me."

A steady stream of water was falling on Alicia's head.

"Turn off the heaters," Dylan yelled. "They're melting the igloo."

"And blow out the candles," Claire added.

Streams of water were pouring down all around them.

"Ehmagawd," Ma.s.sie shouted. "Abort, abort!" She blew out her candles. "Everyone grab a beanbag and a rug and get out!"