Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 10

We want to create a world that is more respectful and and we want and deserve respect. We cannot afford to wait for extroverts to get it. Introverts have the advantage of an inward perspective, and this is where we can start. How much respect do we want and deserve respect. We cannot afford to wait for extroverts to get it. Introverts have the advantage of an inward perspective, and this is where we can start. How much respect do you you give your introverted preferences? give your introverted preferences?

One of my introvert pa.s.sions is writing. Although I have made s.p.a.ce in my life for writing, and I am now fortunate enough to get paid to write, I still catch myself making statements like, "I can't [insert extroverted activity]; I have to have to write." At least this is true: I am often on deadline, and publishers expect me to produce. And "having to write" is a great excuse for getting out of things. I can use it any time, because there is always something to write. write." At least this is true: I am often on deadline, and publishers expect me to produce. And "having to write" is a great excuse for getting out of things. I can use it any time, because there is always something to write.

The lie here is subtler, but perhaps even more damaging to my integrity. While there are times I "have" to write, more than not, this is what I want want to be doing. For me, apologizing for writing is like apologizing for time with a lover: "Sorry, I to be doing. For me, apologizing for writing is like apologizing for time with a lover: "Sorry, I have have to be with my true love." The content of what I am saying is true, but the implication is a betrayal of myself and a devaluation of what I love. to be with my true love." The content of what I am saying is true, but the implication is a betrayal of myself and a devaluation of what I love.

I cannot find language of sufficient energy to convey my sense of the sacredness of private integrity.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson Introvert integrity means going the distance going the distance for what we love: moving from apology to acceptance, from acceptance to acknowledgement, and from acknowledgment to activism. And just as distance running requires training, we build introvert integrity through practice. We give ourselves regular sessions of solitude. We find friends who listen. We exercise the right to talk less and think more. We allow others to be uncomfortable, disappointed, and different. We practice trusting our own thinking, even when the thoughts "are not like what anyone has taught" us. for what we love: moving from apology to acceptance, from acceptance to acknowledgement, and from acknowledgment to activism. And just as distance running requires training, we build introvert integrity through practice. We give ourselves regular sessions of solitude. We find friends who listen. We exercise the right to talk less and think more. We allow others to be uncomfortable, disappointed, and different. We practice trusting our own thinking, even when the thoughts "are not like what anyone has taught" us.

When you can say with a smile, "Yes, I'm not an Extrovert," people will want to know what you're up to. They'll wonder what they are missing out on by being so social. And, if they are wise, they'll back off, shut up and wait. Maybe they'll even apologize.

Chapter 17:.

Celebrating Introversion [The Introvert] is...in good physical, emotional, and spiritual health...You will find her outside sitting on a large rock looking out over the water or inside looking out the window with a pensive appearance, sometimes reading... Yes, I like this person very much. She is me.-DonnaAlienated? No. I feel very human; I think I'm more connected than most people.-BenI enjoy horseback riding, reading, hiking, flower gardening...I like that I am not afraid to be alone. I am not afraid of being with myself. I can find lots of things to do if faced with time alone.-JulieI feel comfortable with my place in the universe. I'm at peace with my spirituality and humanity. I like my stubbornness. That tenacity is what allows me to stick with things until I'm done. I seldom look back and say, "I wish I'd tried harder."-DaveThe person whose company I enjoy more than anyone's is my own.-Margit Introverts are alive and very well. In the midst of a.s.saults from an extroverted society, pathologizing a.s.sumptions, lies, and pressures to conform, we are here-in larger numbers than extroverts! And the same quality that gets attacked, our inward focus, is what keeps us strong.

To some degree, introverts will always be outside of society, and this is not only the key to our health, but to the health of society. We bring something "not of this world" to the world. We have access to a wealth that is not dependent on the gross national product-or subject to the national debt. We reflect while others move ahead. We invent while others rely on what is established. We seek while others produce. We create while others consume. We stay rooted while others waver.

Introverts carry the yin yin function of life. Though personality tests describe introversion in a superficial (westernized) way, the ancient concept of function of life. Though personality tests describe introversion in a superficial (westernized) way, the ancient concept of yin yin tells us much more. tells us much more. Yin Yin is dark, cool, and receptive, oriented to the moon and the earth. Time to turn out the lights and celebrate the introvert! is dark, cool, and receptive, oriented to the moon and the earth. Time to turn out the lights and celebrate the introvert!

LIFE IN THE DARK.

In Western society, "dark" has become synonymous with evil. We are taught to distrust what we cannot see. But darkness is also where dreams are made, where babies are formed, and where insights are discovered. The moon symbolizes the genius of introversion: the ability to illuminate this other side of life-the inner life.

Darkness also represents the mysterious beauty of introversion. We are not completely knowable, and this is a key to our attractiveness. Where extroverts air their thoughts as they come, we keep ideas inside as we work them out. The ability to withhold gives us credibility: we are less likely to blurt out statements we can't support. In the 1980s, a commercial for the investment firm E. F. Hutton became a popular mantra: "When E. F. Hutton talks, people listen." I recall a boss of mine telling me, "When Laurie Helgoe talks, people listen." This was because I was often silent during team meetings, but when I spoke, everyone paid attention. And I had instant power. I recall a boss of mine telling me, "When Laurie Helgoe talks, people listen." This was because I was often silent during team meetings, but when I spoke, everyone paid attention. And I had instant power.

I spoke, everyone paid attention. And I had Introverts don't need to get everything out into the light. We focus better in the dark. Rather than putting all our cards on the table, we can wait until the time is right, until ideas are fully formed, and until people are ready to hear. I could waste a great deal of energy giving giving my perspective to a client, but if I wait until she asks for it-if I my perspective to a client, but if I wait until she asks for it-if I respond- respond-my energy is matched by her interest, and she hears me. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but people don't like to listen to it.

[I have] a p.r.o.nounced dark side (not evil, though) that is my "zone of refuge."

-Phil Dark is also a.s.sociated with depression, depression, something that is as misunderstood as introversion. Clinical depression is an illness, but dark moods are part of life. In Western society, we keep coming up with new strategies for eliminating the dark. In the '50s, we had "the power of positive thinking"; in the '80s, "Feeling Good"... through positive thinking; and, in 2007, "The Secret" of... Well, positive thinking. Like Icarus, we convince ourselves that we can merge with the sun without getting burned. something that is as misunderstood as introversion. Clinical depression is an illness, but dark moods are part of life. In Western society, we keep coming up with new strategies for eliminating the dark. In the '50s, we had "the power of positive thinking"; in the '80s, "Feeling Good"... through positive thinking; and, in 2007, "The Secret" of... Well, positive thinking. Like Icarus, we convince ourselves that we can merge with the sun without getting burned.

There is a lot to be said for positive thinking, and an exclusive focus on the negative can be destructive. But denial of the negative is just as dangerous. Extroverts describe themselves as happier than introverts; as we discussed in Chapter 7, "pleasantness" is a priority for extroverts. Extroverts like the light. Earlier, we challenged the a.s.sumption that "parties are fun." But there's an a.s.sumption within this a.s.sumption: fun is the ultimate goal. fun is the ultimate goal.

Here is the problem with evaluating someone else's reality with an a.s.sumption that is not shared. Extroverts want us to have fun, because they a.s.sume we want what they want. And sometimes sometimes we do. But "fun" itself is a "bright" word, the kind of word that comes with flas.h.i.+ng lights and an exclamation point! One of Merriam-Webster's definitions of "fun" is "violent or excited activity or argument." The very word makes me want to sit in a dimly lit room with lots of pillows- we do. But "fun" itself is a "bright" word, the kind of word that comes with flas.h.i.+ng lights and an exclamation point! One of Merriam-Webster's definitions of "fun" is "violent or excited activity or argument." The very word makes me want to sit in a dimly lit room with lots of pillows-by myself.

It helps to think of introverts as people with sensitive night vision. We enjoy the comfort of darker surroundings, and there we are free to focus on the ideas that emerge. Pull us into the bright light, and our pupils close tight; we s.h.i.+eld our minds from the harmful rays. Words like "party" and "fun" may turn us off, but try "intimate" or "casual," and we might want to hear more.

Extroverts worry when we hang out in the dark, sometimes for good reason, but often because they they fear the dark. Internal s.p.a.ce is more threatening to extroverts, so they project their concerns onto us. The introvert, in the meantime, may be quite content. We are more trusting of the dark. We know that, if we allow our eyes to adjust, we can see. We know that the stars are brightest when the artificial light is extinguished. And we know that, like the stars, some truths only emerge after the lights go out. We revel in a more muted light. fear the dark. Internal s.p.a.ce is more threatening to extroverts, so they project their concerns onto us. The introvert, in the meantime, may be quite content. We are more trusting of the dark. We know that, if we allow our eyes to adjust, we can see. We know that the stars are brightest when the artificial light is extinguished. And we know that, like the stars, some truths only emerge after the lights go out. We revel in a more muted light.

Q: What do you like best about being you?

A: Resilience. I get depressed, disgusted, despairing, distraught, distended, disturbed, and deeply b.u.mmed. Two days later, I am playing guitar, mountain biking in the backwoods, meditating in the deep night, writing the story of my life, nuzzled with my daughter watching "The Big Bang Theory," and all is fine and good.

-Doug, who knows his way in the dark Introversion allows us to see what is less visible in the light: the world of ideas. Ideas, by their nature, start inside. They are original to the extent that they come from someplace else someplace else-from the "just right" mix of thoughts, and sometimes from dreams or sources we can't identify. Jung compared dreams to stars, warning that both are best seen obliquely; obliquely; looking too directly causes the light to diffuse. The brightness of a star is dependent on the darkness of the sky. looking too directly causes the light to diffuse. The brightness of a star is dependent on the darkness of the sky.

Similarly, a dark mood can illuminate neglected realities, reveal what is not working, and inspire change. I love the phrase "sweet melancholy," because it captures the paradoxical comfort that comes with pondering difficult realities. The verb "brood" comes from a Germanic the incubation that leads to hatching. Rescuing a brooding introvert may thwart the birth of an original idea!

Introverts are drawn to mystery, complex ideas, and inner realities. If extroverts seek stimulation, introverts seek to be absorbed, to be fascinated. And, as we succeed in this endeavor, we we become fascinating! become fascinating!

Hail divinest Melancholy, Whose Saintly visage is too bright To hit the Sense of human sight.

-John Milton, from Il Penseroso INTROVERTS ARE COOL.

Yin is a.s.sociated with the coolness of earth, whereas is a.s.sociated with the coolness of earth, whereas yang yang holds the warmth of the sun. Extroverts want to heat things up; we like to chill out. We use words like "cool" and "chill" to refer to people who are relaxed, comfortable with themselves, and don't require a lot from the outside. holds the warmth of the sun. Extroverts want to heat things up; we like to chill out. We use words like "cool" and "chill" to refer to people who are relaxed, comfortable with themselves, and don't require a lot from the outside.

Introversion holds the ability to step back, cool down, and get perspective. Heat may forge, but it takes cool to clarify. When people get too close to the action, they lose perspective and get lost. As a psychologist, I help people develop the capacity to keep a part of themselves out of the action, unaffected, cool. When this observing capacity is strong, it gives us the ability to not just live, but to know know we are living. While one part of us plays out the drama, another part gets to sit in the dark of the movie theatre and watch. This is how we make meaning; this is how we learn. we are living. While one part of us plays out the drama, another part gets to sit in the dark of the movie theatre and watch. This is how we make meaning; this is how we learn.

Introvertsmay seemcold as we pull away fromthe drama, but we're also the ones overheated extroverts seek out for perspective. And just as the darkness exposes unseen light, the removed perspective of the observer invites the warmth of meaning.

WIDE RECEIVERS.

Yin is often described as a feminine function, because it is receptive and open. In this context, "feminine" does not refer only to females; in fact, the introvert-to-extrovert ratio is higher for men than for women. Clint Eastwood would probably not be confused with a female, but he has a strong is often described as a feminine function, because it is receptive and open. In this context, "feminine" does not refer only to females; in fact, the introvert-to-extrovert ratio is higher for men than for women. Clint Eastwood would probably not be confused with a female, but he has a strong yin yin function. He describes himself as quiet, receptive, and open to new learning. He describes himself as an introvert. function. He describes himself as quiet, receptive, and open to new learning. He describes himself as an introvert.

Yet, the receptive function is no better captured than in the metaphor of birthing. Introverts take in raw materials and create something new. A writer takes in observations and creates a story. A scientist takes in evidence and produces a theory. A therapist listens and develops insight. The ability to receive and hold is essential to the creative process. The more receptive we are, the more complexity we can manage and the more we are able to integrate. The holding capacity of introversion gives ideas time to simmer, to incubate. When we give birth to ideas and books and inventions, we channel something larger than ourselves. We partic.i.p.ate in creation.

THE YIN CELEBRATION.

We celebrate introversion when we gaze at the beauty of a full moon. We touch introversion when we feel cool earth under bare feet and when we rest in the shade of a tree. We behold introversion in open expanses of nature and in uncluttered interiors. We savor introversion by candlelight and starlight, in the pages of a book, and in the meeting of minds.

An introversion party is three people sprawled on couches and pillows, reading and occasionally talking. Or a couple cuddling by a fire at camp, savoring the music of crackling wood and crickets. Your introversion party might be a solitary walk where thoughts are exposed to air and become clear. You might find your party in meditation, when time expands and everything seems possible. Your party might come with popcorn as you pa.s.sionately observe the big screen of the theatre, or with a steaming cup of Ethiopian blend as you watch people from your table at the coffeehouse, or with a cold beer as you watch the world go by from your porch.

Notice introversion. Celebrate the subtle. Pa.s.sionately wait. Make a date with the moon. Go barefoot. Tackle the tough questions. Have a really good conversation. Savor a gla.s.s of good wine or the delicate flavors of French food. Let an idea sit. Trust the dark and the unknown. Allow babies to remind you what comes of receiving, waiting, and trusting. Celebrate your natural specialty. And, while you're at it, raise a gla.s.s, mug, or whatever you have on hand to introverts everywhere, content in the knowledge that this this celebration can take place celebration can take place right where you are. right where you are.

I use my thoughts to gain insight, sometimes empirically, sometimes intuitively. I often do not share my insight-for many different reasons. But while I often dwell in my own cave, I am not withdrawn in social situations and will readily reveal my opinions, display my abilities... For me, the excitement and action are internal.

-Sandy, sixty and excited about her new career in technology

Chapter 18:.

Expressing What's In There If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you.-Natalie Goldberg While others chat, introverts listen, observe, a.n.a.lyze, and collect impressions. We also entertain ideas from internal sources: memories, dreams, reflections. In our minds, we work out theories, plan ahead, sort out what happened, converse, compose, draft, and design.

Sometimes we feel weighted down by all that is inside. As ideas become fully formed and take on significance, we want and need to express them. Sometimes, we have no choice. I recall a time during my a.n.a.lysis when my psyche was churning out insights at an unprecedented rate. And feelings-ones I had been too scared to acknowledge-were now available to me. On an ordinary day during this extraordinary time, my husband made the mistake of saying something that set me off.

I started screaming screaming-not at him, though I was compelled to block his voice, to block anything more from coming in. The scream sounded foreign, and carried a power that both alarmed and satisfied me. I moved away from my husband, bent down on my knees. I knew I was supposed to stop; I had children children in the house. But I didn't. It felt too good. I released another wave of raw, aggressive sound. in the house. But I didn't. It felt too good. I released another wave of raw, aggressive sound.

I'll never forget my talk with my son that night. I apologized for scaring him, but I also told him what I had learned: I had let too much feeling build up inside me, and I needed to find a better way of letting things out-a way that didn't hurt me or the ones I loved.

That was my only primal scream-except for the planned, collective scream I had joined during finals week at college. Perhaps I enjoyed my spontaneous scream so much because I knew I would never risk such a display again. But I have screamed on paper. I have screamed in plays. I have expelled power I didn't know I had in me.

I remember a particular play rehearsal: my character, a bitter, angry woman, was confronting the man who had abandoned her, pregnant, many years ago. The director kept asking me for more: more: more anger, more venom, louder, scarier. I was thrilled! Here was a place where my "more" was safe. more anger, more venom, louder, scarier. I was thrilled! Here was a place where my "more" was safe.

As my scream had revealed, I needed to find a big big vehicle-or vehicles-for expressing myself. Introverts don't use the little vehicles, like small talk and rapid-fire conversation. Besides, we vehicle-or vehicles-for expressing myself. Introverts don't use the little vehicles, like small talk and rapid-fire conversation. Besides, we enjoy enjoy keeping ideas inside for awhile. But when we're ready, when the elements come together and we have something to say, we're keeping ideas inside for awhile. But when we're ready, when the elements come together and we have something to say, we're really really ready. In fact, we may feel ill or depressed if we don't get it out. ready. In fact, we may feel ill or depressed if we don't get it out.

WRITING IT OUT.

If Goth is an archetype of the introvert subculture, the writer is the archetype of the introvert. On the blank page, the writer's inner world rules. She can write anything, anything, and n.o.body will interrupt or argue the point (at least until submission time!). Even when an author is not writing, she is living in her head, developing ideas or characters. And writing demands an extremely high tolerance for being alone. and n.o.body will interrupt or argue the point (at least until submission time!). Even when an author is not writing, she is living in her head, developing ideas or characters. And writing demands an extremely high tolerance for being alone.

Writing also demands an extremely high tolerance for holding. I use the term "holding," as I did in the last chapter, in the sense that a pregnancy requires holding. When introverts are accused of withholding, withholding, the life-giving aspect of holding, or "growing an idea," gets overlooked. Holding is such a natural part of writing that even our literary mentors often take it for granted. Manuals on writing emphasize the discipline of "pen to paper," or "fingers to keyboard," but attend less to the writing that happens in your head. Author Carolyn See is an exception. She starts her book, the life-giving aspect of holding, or "growing an idea," gets overlooked. Holding is such a natural part of writing that even our literary mentors often take it for granted. Manuals on writing emphasize the discipline of "pen to paper," or "fingers to keyboard," but attend less to the writing that happens in your head. Author Carolyn See is an exception. She starts her book, Making a Literary Life, Making a Literary Life, with the instruction to hold: with the instruction to hold: The wonderful thing about your inner life is that it's your The wonderful thing about your inner life is that it's your inner inner life. Think about your writing when you're making toast or suffering through a meeting at work or s.p.a.cing out watching baseball on TV. Something's in your head, or your chest, that wants to get out. But keep it there for awhile. life. Think about your writing when you're making toast or suffering through a meeting at work or s.p.a.cing out watching baseball on TV. Something's in your head, or your chest, that wants to get out. But keep it there for awhile.

Introverts don't really need this advice; I include it to remind you that you're already halfway there! "Prewriting" is essential to good writing. But so is writing, and See recommends you hold onto your writing as well: Write your stuff, hide it, let it stack up. Reread it. Don't worry about it. Don't look for perfection. To switch metaphors, your first writing is as delicate as a seedling. Don't show it to some yahoo who wouldn't know an orchid from kudzu.

Whether or not you identify yourself as a writer, putting thoughts, ideas, and feelings on paper is a great way to get the inside out. Because cathartic writing, or journaling, journaling, is for your eyes only, you get to release what's inside while maintaining privacy. Go ahead, scream on the paper or whisper your secrets. It's your paper. Whether you just need to vent or have a book inside you, here are some tips for getting started: is for your eyes only, you get to release what's inside while maintaining privacy. Go ahead, scream on the paper or whisper your secrets. It's your paper. Whether you just need to vent or have a book inside you, here are some tips for getting started: Write daily. Write daily. Even a small chunk of time, fifteen or twenty minutes each day, gets your mind oriented to what you're putting on the paper. Just as small, frequent meals aid metabolism of food, small, frequent writing sessions aid metabolism of ideas. I tell my clients that the time Even a small chunk of time, fifteen or twenty minutes each day, gets your mind oriented to what you're putting on the paper. Just as small, frequent meals aid metabolism of food, small, frequent writing sessions aid metabolism of ideas. I tell my clients that the time between between sessions is as important as the time sessions is as important as the time in in session. Therapy is most effective when the client has the capacity to metabolize ideas raised in the sessions, to come in hungry next time, and obtain more food for thought. Writing works the same way. The best writing generates session. Therapy is most effective when the client has the capacity to metabolize ideas raised in the sessions, to come in hungry next time, and obtain more food for thought. Writing works the same way. The best writing generates more more to think about, and more to write. to think about, and more to write.

Make it easy. Make it easy. Have your materials ready. If you want a special "container" for your thoughts, take the time to browse the aisle of journals at your favorite bookstore. I think of a journal in the way Mr. Ollivander of the Harry Potter world regarded the right wand: it will pick Have your materials ready. If you want a special "container" for your thoughts, take the time to browse the aisle of journals at your favorite bookstore. I think of a journal in the way Mr. Ollivander of the Harry Potter world regarded the right wand: it will pick you. you. On the other hand, some beautiful journals are left untouched because the writer is afraid to spoil it. A journal is not effective if it inhibits the writer. Sometimes a cheap notebook is a better option. Or, look in the dollar bins at a large craft or discount store. I have found some lovely journals this way, and I feel free to waste as many pages as I want. On the other hand, some beautiful journals are left untouched because the writer is afraid to spoil it. A journal is not effective if it inhibits the writer. Sometimes a cheap notebook is a better option. Or, look in the dollar bins at a large craft or discount store. I have found some lovely journals this way, and I feel free to waste as many pages as I want.

Write c.r.a.p. Write c.r.a.p. As Ann Lamott puts it in As Ann Lamott puts it in Bird by Bird, Bird by Bird, write "s.h.i.+tty first drafts." If you are writing only for yourself, the function is just to write "s.h.i.+tty first drafts." If you are writing only for yourself, the function is just to get it out: get it out: forget punctuation and grammar. Practice forget punctuation and grammar. Practice not not editing. Write down your shopping list if that's on your mind, or write about why you don't want to write. See if you can "talk" on paper. Listen to your thoughts and record what they say. If you are writing for literary purposes, practice s.h.i.+tty first drafts, and go back and edit your work as many times as necessary. editing. Write down your shopping list if that's on your mind, or write about why you don't want to write. See if you can "talk" on paper. Listen to your thoughts and record what they say. If you are writing for literary purposes, practice s.h.i.+tty first drafts, and go back and edit your work as many times as necessary.

Tell the truth. Tell the truth. This is the writer's mantra. You'll feel tempted to filter and soften what's inside you. Catch yourself, and write the raw truth. As Natalie Goldberg says in her inspiring manual, This is the writer's mantra. You'll feel tempted to filter and soften what's inside you. Catch yourself, and write the raw truth. As Natalie Goldberg says in her inspiring manual, Wild Mind, Wild Mind, "Writing is the crack through which you can crawl into a bigger world, into your wild mind." Take on the challenge of finding words for the truth, rather than making truth fit your words. "Writing is the crack through which you can crawl into a bigger world, into your wild mind." Take on the challenge of finding words for the truth, rather than making truth fit your words.

Write your pain. Write your pain. James W. Pennebaker and his a.s.sociates at the University of Texas have conducted extensive research on the benefits of journaling. His findings: if you want relief, write about your most upsetting experiences, write James W. Pennebaker and his a.s.sociates at the University of Texas have conducted extensive research on the benefits of journaling. His findings: if you want relief, write about your most upsetting experiences, write through through the pain, and connect painful events with your life story. Getting to the tough stuff was a key factor in helping people feel better and move on. the pain, and connect painful events with your life story. Getting to the tough stuff was a key factor in helping people feel better and move on.

Respect your writing. Respect your writing. If it is time to write, don't wait until you have time. Make commitments to yourself, and ask others to hold you accountable. You can commit to a certain amount of time each day, or to a quota. For her creativity course, Julia Cameron a.s.signs three full "morning pages" per day and, for those wanting a literary life, See insists on one thousand words a day. Find what fits you, and fit it in. If it is time to write, don't wait until you have time. Make commitments to yourself, and ask others to hold you accountable. You can commit to a certain amount of time each day, or to a quota. For her creativity course, Julia Cameron a.s.signs three full "morning pages" per day and, for those wanting a literary life, See insists on one thousand words a day. Find what fits you, and fit it in.

Record life. Record life. Anne Lamott emphasizes the importance of taking notes rather than trusting memory. Her advice: Anne Lamott emphasizes the importance of taking notes rather than trusting memory. Her advice: always always carry a pen and some index cards. Jot down enough to remind you of your ideas and observations, then pull out your cards at your daily writing session and expand. carry a pen and some index cards. Jot down enough to remind you of your ideas and observations, then pull out your cards at your daily writing session and expand.

Artists wear black to keep the paint stains from showing so much. But honestly, I like to be in the background. Black helps me feel that way.

-Mark Wolfe on why artists wear black BEYONDWORDS.

Are you a doodler? Do you salivate at the sight of paints and brushes? Are you looking for an unrestricted form of expression? Art and music go beyond words to capture what is inside. The artist may not even know the meaning of his creation until stepping back from it in the end. Sometimes meaning does not emerge, only expression. The vast range of artistic and musical styles reminds us that the inner life is rich and exciting, and that there is plenty to go around.

The tips for writing apply to all art forms: make room, get your stuff, commit, and have the courage to create c.r.a.p. Get a jumbo-sized box of crayons and access your childlike freedom of expression. If you want to get serious, pick up a guide to materials and techniques, such as The New Artist's Manual The New Artist's Manual by Simon Jennings. If you don't like to paint or draw, cut out images from magazines, arrange them on posterboard, and create a collage. If you are drawn to the refined, take up calligraphy or grow a bonsai. Through dance or yoga, your body can do the talking. Sing your own song or pound on the piano or drums. If talk bores you, there are plenty of other options for self-expression. Find your language and develop it. by Simon Jennings. If you don't like to paint or draw, cut out images from magazines, arrange them on posterboard, and create a collage. If you are drawn to the refined, take up calligraphy or grow a bonsai. Through dance or yoga, your body can do the talking. Sing your own song or pound on the piano or drums. If talk bores you, there are plenty of other options for self-expression. Find your language and develop it.

Julia Cameron's creativity manuals, The Artist's Way The Artist's Way and and Vein of Gold, Vein of Gold, are great resources for helping you discover and express your gifts. If you're intimidated by artistic expression, surrealist painter Salvador Dali offers these helpful reminders: "Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing," and "Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it." are great resources for helping you discover and express your gifts. If you're intimidated by artistic expression, surrealist painter Salvador Dali offers these helpful reminders: "Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing," and "Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it."

I like music you can't cla.s.sify, that you can't put in a certain genre, although they do it anyway. I like heavy, insane, beautiful, melodic, screaming. It can't stay the same the whole way though, it has to take you to different plateaus. Extreme bliss to infinite sadness.

-Ben, musician and composer HAVING THE STAGE.

Yes, many introverts love the stage. This reality is baffling to many extroverts: "You must be an extrovert extrovert-you like to perform!" Extroversion has very little to do with performing. In fact, the expression of internal contents without interruption is a very introverted introverted desire. Doing improvisational work may require more extroversion, but acting requires a good dose of introversion. Good acting relies on developing a character: a flesh-and-blood person with a history, a style, and a story. An actor also needs to be able to access memories of feelings and reactions and, as acting coaches point out, the ability to desire. Doing improvisational work may require more extroversion, but acting requires a good dose of introversion. Good acting relies on developing a character: a flesh-and-blood person with a history, a style, and a story. An actor also needs to be able to access memories of feelings and reactions and, as acting coaches point out, the ability to listen listen is key. is key.

Performing, whether through drama, comedy, music, or dance, is attractive to many introverts. Introverted thespians enjoy the freedom of expression that acting allows, but also appreciate the protection offered by character and script. This is why the actor who is flawless on the screen may be awkward and rather tongue-tied during a live interview. Let's hear from some of our natural performers: I [am] far more comfortable getting up and speaking or even performing before a crowd of people than most of the extroverts I [know]...But put me within a large social group where everyone is randomly interacting, I many times feel it's simply not worth the effort to make myself heard.-SuzanneFor me, I get to hide behind my guitar.-DavidI used to perform in high school plays/musicals and loved it. It was an opportunity to be someone totally different. I would say introverts enjoy performing because it allows them to express...feelings, emotions... They would not usually express in their "real" life. I think sometimes the a.s.sumption is made that the introvert does not have these feelings or pa.s.sions, but they do... They are just slow or loathe to express them.-KarenThe stage is a place where I can a.s.sume...a larger personality than what I show in mundane daily life... My wife often remarks how reticent and reserved I can be sometimes on social outings, but put me on a stage and I become this much more "out there" figure. The stage is a place of unlocking those parts of myself I don't give permission-or am not given permission-to express in daily life.-DougComedy is my everything. It pumps through my blood. I love making people laugh, making them feel good, which is why I like to perform.-Jessica Even if you have no interest in getting on stage, the ability to a.s.sume a role can be extremely useful in stressful situations. If you pretend to be a more expressive person, the character character can say what you script, while the rest of you watches. can say what you script, while the rest of you watches.

INTROVERSION DIVERSIONS.

As an alternative to releasing what's inside, a compelling diversion can help you out of your own head for a while. For me, there is nothing like a dark movie theatre and a big screen to pull me into a different world. Getting lost in a book, walking in nature, listening to music, meditating in silence-whatever it is, find your introversion diversion and let it take you out, regularly. Let's take a closer look at some of our favorite alternative realities: I have a bookcase inside my closet in my room, and I love opening the closet door and sitting in front of my bookcase, to either read certain pa.s.sages, reminisce with certain books or notebooks, or just rearrange them. I never realized how books can be almost erotic.

-Cecilia Books, books, books! We can't seem to get enough of them. A good book is like a friend waiting for you at home, providing comfort and familiarity alongside excitement and adventure. In contrast to "quick fix" diversions, a book lets the reader inside. You have time to get to know the character-her thoughts and secret yearnings-to live inside of a story, or to master a subject. Through a single book of nonfiction, you can obtain inside knowledge gleaned from a lifetime of experience. And through fiction, you can inhabit another life, another time, even another world. Reading is like travel, allowing you to exit your own life for a bit, and to come back with a renewed, even inspired, perspective. We can't seem to get enough of them. A good book is like a friend waiting for you at home, providing comfort and familiarity alongside excitement and adventure. In contrast to "quick fix" diversions, a book lets the reader inside. You have time to get to know the character-her thoughts and secret yearnings-to live inside of a story, or to master a subject. Through a single book of nonfiction, you can obtain inside knowledge gleaned from a lifetime of experience. And through fiction, you can inhabit another life, another time, even another world. Reading is like travel, allowing you to exit your own life for a bit, and to come back with a renewed, even inspired, perspective.

And books themselves, even unopened, have an enchanted quality, especially for introverts. I think this is because, in a bookstore, library, or next to a bookcase, we are with our people: thinkers, dreamers, others like us who relish time and solitude.

If a good book is a friend, some become lifetime companions-or as one instructor put it, your "soul books." The story that calls you back, over and over again, is like your greater Self, ever abundant and generative, yet completely yours. Discovering your soul book, or your soul author, is like coming home. Sure, you are fed and strengthened by the story. But, mostly, you just like hanging out inside.

Books and movies both create the same response. I can become part of either. If something embarra.s.sing happens in a book or movie, I will actually blush. I won't even tell you what impact the line "Scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all" still has on me. (I've watched The Wizard of Oz a couple of dozen times, and I always identify most with the Scarecrow.) I've read The Lord of the Rings over twenty times. I can become so absorbed that once I read the whole trilogy in a single weekend.

-Dave Melting into the movies. Art, literature, music, and film all offer a bigger version of our experience, allowing us to fold inside something safe and relax. The elements of the movie theatre contribute to this embrace. You sit in a cus.h.i.+oned seat, comforting food beside you, in the dark womb of the theatre, and the Big Screen becomes your world. Ideally, you would have the theatre all to yourself, and I have actually enjoyed this luxury during some of my midweek, midday screenings. But even when the s.p.a.ce is shared, anonymity rules, and other viewers soon become swallowed in darkness. Art, literature, music, and film all offer a bigger version of our experience, allowing us to fold inside something safe and relax. The elements of the movie theatre contribute to this embrace. You sit in a cus.h.i.+oned seat, comforting food beside you, in the dark womb of the theatre, and the Big Screen becomes your world. Ideally, you would have the theatre all to yourself, and I have actually enjoyed this luxury during some of my midweek, midday screenings. But even when the s.p.a.ce is shared, anonymity rules, and other viewers soon become swallowed in darkness.

Many introverts prefer their movies at home, especially if the cinemas within reach are overcrowded. While I love the movies brought in by our local film festival, I often pa.s.s because I know too many people at the showings. But when I can be anonymous and melt into the darkness, nothing rivals the real thing.

You sit back and see a place: a bar, perhaps, or a front lawn, or a war zone. The filmmaker creates a mood through lighting, color tones, and the angles of the camera. You just ride. Whatever is on the screen takes on significance: the green of the gra.s.s, the heroine's lipstick, the sound of footsteps. In the safety of the theatre, you can laugh out loud and cry tears you have held too long.

After the credits roll, as you leave the theatre, you hold on to your perspective as a viewer. You notice things: people exiting and dispersing in various combinations, the coolness or warmth of the air, the snap of a car door as it closes. Your mind's eye is also sensitized: you reflect on the movie and on your life. From the perspective of the viewer, your life seems more interesting than usual, more significant.

This cinematic perspective is what inspired me to develop my version of "movie therapy," or what I have sometimes called "movie meditation." Here's how it works: Schedule a movie a week, and clear at least twenty minutes for post-movie reflections. Pick a show time when the theatre is less crowded, and go solo. Bring a notebook or journal if you like, and have a comfortable place to go, by yourself, by yourself, after the show. Having a coffeehouse or cafe close by is ideal, or you may prefer to walk outside. after the show. Having a coffeehouse or cafe close by is ideal, or you may prefer to walk outside.

Then try it. Leave your cell phone off after the movie and savor the afterglow. If you have a journal, you might want to write your reflections, or begin the screenplay of your life. Try writing the scene around you and describing yourself in third person.

The practice of movie therapy can help you appreciate and enjoy the artistic value of your own life. In life, we strive for control and guarantees. In a movie, we like like not knowing. Practice viewing your own life cinematically. Step back and enjoy the not knowing. When things get harder or life takes a turn, see the challenge as plot thickener and remind yourself that the plot not knowing. Practice viewing your own life cinematically. Step back and enjoy the not knowing. When things get harder or life takes a turn, see the challenge as plot thickener and remind yourself that the plot will will resolve. Notice the artistic quality of your day, i.e., how you get dressed or put on makeup, what you see as you walk to your mailbox, the expressions on the face of a loved one. Add music for effect. resolve. Notice the artistic quality of your day, i.e., how you get dressed or put on makeup, what you see as you walk to your mailbox, the expressions on the face of a loved one. Add music for effect.

Eclectic expressions. Introverts find many and varied ways of expressing and stepping back from the action inside. Here's a very small sampling: Introverts find many and varied ways of expressing and stepping back from the action inside. Here's a very small sampling: Studying languages is one of the most prominent ways I express myself. The way English words sound does not always express my ideas and feelings accurately. For example, hermosa hermosa expresses the word expresses the word beautiful beautiful far better for me, but far better for me, but hermosa hermosa is Spanish. I've been working to close language gaps almost every day.-Solveig is Spanish. I've been working to close language gaps almost every day.-Solveig One quirky thing I like to do is visit cemeteries...I think they are beautiful. Not sure too many folks enjoy them, but I do. Especially if it is foggy and cool.-Karen Golf, lately.-David Running alone. This gives me complete control over path and speed. It allows me to shake up my thoughts and emotions-literally through movement. Running lets me express what is inside of me by enabling it to flow through my entire body...I tend to move from running to writing to talking if I really want to express and understand what is inside of me.-Beth [Watching], whenever possible, a major league baseball game.-Don I'm pa.s.sionate about figuring out what my problem is and becoming peaceful. I also like little art projects like snowflakes, cards, and boxes. I love cleaning. I LOVE NATURE!! HIKING, OCEAN, LAKES, RIVERS, FIELDS, EVERYTHING!! I love one-on-one conversations. -Jessica Creating things like good meals in the kitchen and good letters for fonts on the computer.-Annie, font designer Crossword puzzles...Playing with and walking our dog and helping get dogs adopted at Arlington's animal shelter.-Ingrid Though our discussion has focused on the personal benefits of self-expression, there's more to this story. Introverts paradoxically pull away from culture and create culture. We provide perspective that is seasoned by time and experience, nourished by thought and imagination, and fueled by desire. And our hungry society is ready to hear from us.

Chapter 19:.

Mos.h.i.+ng on Your Own Terms You have to systematically create confusion, it sets creativity free. Everything that is contradictory creates life.-Salvador Dali Ben is an introvert: thoughtful, rooted, "chill," yet kind and gentle. He has a calming manner about him and, in his presence, people feel safer and more relaxed. He's a big guy, and typically wears black; he recently traded in his dreadlocks for a cropped, jet-black haircut. His appearance may seem intimidating to strangers, but it filters out the ignorant. He embodies a beautiful mix of Shadow Dweller and Accessible Introvert. He's smart and he works hard, landscaping or delivering pizzas between his s.h.i.+fts as a lab engineer and production instructor, playing industrial metal guitar, composing, and producing. His music contrasts with his calm demeanor, as do his favorite bands. And Ben has been known to mosh.

There is no such thing as a "pure" introvert. We all have times when we want to get into the mix, even if the mix happens in bed with a lover, or at the family table in the midst of a heated political debate. My extroverted friend recently told me that I am more extroverted one-on-one than she is: I like a good argument with my husband; she prefers intimate exchanges to flow without conflict. In general, introverts become more extroverted when the group is smaller and intimate, and/or when partic.i.p.ants share a common interest. A Goth may be reclusive during school, but at a party among close friends, he rises from-or I should say with- with-the dead.

But because of the ongoing pressure introverts feel to convert to extroversion, we reflexively duck when the topic of extroverting extroverting comes up. How do we maintain integrity as introverts, and at the same time allow our natural extroverted tendencies to emerge? comes up. How do we maintain integrity as introverts, and at the same time allow our natural extroverted tendencies to emerge?

The answer: organically. organically. We mosh best when we We mosh best when we feel like feel like mos.h.i.+ng. The mos.h.i.+ng. The T'ai Chi T'ai Chi symbol ill.u.s.trates that introversion (yin) flows into extroversion (yang) and extroversion flows into introversion. Each specialty houses the nucleus of the other. When the introvert is safe, she can extrovert. When the extrovert is safe, he can introvert. symbol ill.u.s.trates that introversion (yin) flows into extroversion (yang) and extroversion flows into introversion. Each specialty houses the nucleus of the other. When the introvert is safe, she can extrovert. When the extrovert is safe, he can introvert.

But note that, before yin flows into yang, yin expands- expands-just as a wave swells before it diminishes. Pressure to reduce reduce introversion can reverse the sequence: we deny the preference for peace and quiet and become stressed pseudo-extroverts. Then, as we get stronger and more confident, we give up the sham and return home to introversion can reverse the sequence: we deny the preference for peace and quiet and become stressed pseudo-extroverts. Then, as we get stronger and more confident, we give up the sham and return home to introversion; introversion; we don't venture beyond to extroversion. we don't venture beyond to extroversion.

A more natural sequence starts by going with what comes naturally-what generates the most energy-and riding it out. If we can't do this early, we do it later, but we deserve a chance to ride the wave as far as it will take us. This is why most of this book is about expanding and accepting everything introverted.

When we allow the natural specialty of introversion to lead, we not only expand our power, we experience fulfillment and satisfaction. Once satisfied, once we master the art of introversion, we might want to see what else is out there.

MEETING YOUR OPPOSITE.

According to Jung's theory, the flow to the other side usually occurs in midlife-hence, the midlife crisis. midlife crisis. By midlife, we feel established enough to get bored. We start to wonder what we've missed along the way. That nucleus of extroversion wants to have a go. We long for more than a specialty; we want to be whole. By midlife, we feel established enough to get bored. We start to wonder what we've missed along the way. That nucleus of extroversion wants to have a go. We long for more than a specialty; we want to be whole.