Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 16

I'll be gone! Bury me, burn me, shoot me into s.p.a.ce, whatever turns you on! Am I missing something?

A: Well, yes. You are making the false a.s.sumption that funerals have more to do with the dead than the living.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief As far as you are concerned, it may indeed matter not one bit what your funeral is like. But think of your survivors, those who loved you and knew about your beliefs. Unless you've made it quite clear what you want, or equally clear that you don't care, they will immediately have to wrestle with ma.s.sive uncertainty. Should we have a clergyman officiate? Can it be in a church, or is Should we have a clergyman officiate? Can it be in a church, or is that inappropriate? Will Aunt Gladys blow a vein if we hang a picture of An-dromeda over the crucifix? Is "Ave Maria" too religious to have sung? that inappropriate? Will Aunt Gladys blow a vein if we hang a picture of An-dromeda over the crucifix? Is "Ave Maria" too religious to have sung?

You get the idea. The nonreligious have an even greater greater responsibility to be explicit because there's no inst.i.tution spelling it out for their survivors. Many religious expressions have the same basic interchangeable funereal elements, but a nonreligious service has to be planned from scratch. If you do wish to keep religion out of it, use the books in the Resource section to spell out your wishes, right down to the music and readings. Or, if you truly don't care, make that absolutely explicit to spare your heirs from infighting, guilt, and uncertainty. responsibility to be explicit because there's no inst.i.tution spelling it out for their survivors. Many religious expressions have the same basic interchangeable funereal elements, but a nonreligious service has to be planned from scratch. If you do wish to keep religion out of it, use the books in the Resource section to spell out your wishes, right down to the music and readings. Or, if you truly don't care, make that absolutely explicit to spare your heirs from infighting, guilt, and uncertainty.

Q: Neither of my kids (3 and 6) has ever had to deal with death, but they have several older relatives to whom they are very close. How can I prepare my kids as well as possible for their first encounter with death?

A: The first way is to naturalize the topic from the very beginning. We have an almost unlimited ability to accept things, even incredibly strange and difficult things, if they are presented to us as normal form the start. Next time you talk to your mother, flash on the fact that you emerged into the world through her you emerged into the world through her body. body. It doesn't get stranger than that-but because (storkists aside) we have always known this, we simply talk to her as if she were another person in the world instead of our portal into it. We accept something transcendently It doesn't get stranger than that-but because (storkists aside) we have always known this, we simply talk to her as if she were another person in the world instead of our portal into it. We accept something transcendently strange as normal because it has never been otherwise. The inimitable Dou- glas Adams captured this nicely when he said, "The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas-covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal normal is some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be." is some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be." 10 10 The same applies to mortality. If children start out with the knowledge that we genuinely die, they will think this to be normal. Not exciting, not even easy, perhaps, but they are much more likely to accept the reality and actually get on with the lifelong work of understanding it if they begin begin with it. They might even see how it makes every moment of life itself so much more fantastically precious. So never treat death as an untouchable subject. Touch it all 188 with it. They might even see how it makes every moment of life itself so much more fantastically precious. So never treat death as an untouchable subject. Touch it all 188over. The more familiar, the less frightening. It's a lifelong challenge to come to terms with death, but our kids will be all the further along if they don't have to waste time and effort erasing heaven and h.e.l.l from their conceptual maps.

Pets can also contribute, however unwillingly, to our lifelong education in mortality. Although we don't buy pets in order order for kids to experience death (with the possible exception of aquariums, for kids to experience death (with the possible exception of aquariums, aack!), aack!), most every pet short of a giant land tortoise will predecease its owner. The deaths of my various guinea pigs, dogs, fish, and rabbits were my first introductions to irretrievable loss. At their pa.s.sings, I learned both how to grieve and the depth of love I was capable of feeling. And I am certain they helped prepare me for the sudden loss of my father. It didn't make the loss itself any easier, nor did it shorten my grief, which continues to this day. But the grief didn't blindside me in quite the way it would have if my father's death had been my first experience of profound loss. most every pet short of a giant land tortoise will predecease its owner. The deaths of my various guinea pigs, dogs, fish, and rabbits were my first introductions to irretrievable loss. At their pa.s.sings, I learned both how to grieve and the depth of love I was capable of feeling. And I am certain they helped prepare me for the sudden loss of my father. It didn't make the loss itself any easier, nor did it shorten my grief, which continues to this day. But the grief didn't blindside me in quite the way it would have if my father's death had been my first experience of profound loss.

Q: I can understand that the experience of a pet's death helps to prepare a child for even more traumatic losses to come, but how can I help my kids weather the loss of the pet itself? We have a much-loved older dog, and I'm concerned as I think of the huge impact his death will have on my kids. What should I say? What should I do with the body? I want this to be a healthy experience for all of us about handling our emotions and the logistics of death.

A: The death of a pet can be nearly as devastating to a child as the death of another member of the family. The first priority is to recognize that and to be certain you are taking the loss just that seriously. That said, here are a few of the guidelines agreed upon by child development specialists: * Prepare well in advance. Prepare well in advance. Talking about the fact that your dog will not live forever can help them to make the most of their remaining time with him Talking about the fact that your dog will not live forever can help them to make the most of their remaining time with him and to feel that they have properly said goodbye. Take photos and videos with the pet. If they wish, have children write a letter to the pet while still living expressing their love for him.

* Be honest. Be honest. Just as in the death of a person, it is important to be honest about what has happened. Don't say that Prince has gone on a trip or Just as in the death of a person, it is important to be honest about what has happened. Don't say that Prince has gone on a trip or (yikes) that he fell asleep and didn't wake up. Take advantage of the op- portunity to gently introduce the reality of death while rea.s.suring the child of the many consolations that can help us through our grief.

* Involve the child-up to a point. Involve the child-up to a point. If you do plan to bury the pet (and yes, that is an acceptable option if City Hall allows it), give the child the option 189 If you do plan to bury the pet (and yes, that is an acceptable option if City Hall allows it), give the child the option 189 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief of attending. Announcing that the pet has been buried after the fact can seriously impede the grieving process, delay a sense of closure, and frac- ture the child's trust in you. Have everyone tell stories about the pet over the grave, sing a song, leave a toy, say goodbye. It is never never appropriate, however, to involve a child in the decision to euthanize a pet. Such a complex and multilayered ethical decision is agony even for adults. In most cases it is also not advised that young children be present for the euthanasia, although teens may wish to decide for themselves. It can be helpful to the appropriate, however, to involve a child in the decision to euthanize a pet. Such a complex and multilayered ethical decision is agony even for adults. In most cases it is also not advised that young children be present for the euthanasia, although teens may wish to decide for themselves. It can be helpful to the grief process for the children to see the pet once more after the euthana- sia is completed. It's a moment guaranteed to break any parent's heart, but many parents report that the closure process is more difficult without that final visit.

* Validate their sadness and encourage their thinking. Validate their sadness and encourage their thinking. As with the death of a person, it's important to validate their pain and grief, to give them permission to cry, and to allow them to see and hear your own feelings. In- As with the death of a person, it's important to validate their pain and grief, to give them permission to cry, and to allow them to see and hear your own feelings. In- vite questions and answer them gently but honestly. This will often be your child's first engagement in a lifelong inquiry. Honor that process by attending to it.

These early experiences can literally teach children how to grieve-a non- negotiable part of every life. In the process, they can learn much about themselves and their own emotions while moving forward in their reflections on the fact that everything that lives also dies.

Q: My 7-year-old daughter has recently been expressing fears about her own death. How can I comfort her when I don't believe in an afterlife?

A: Philosophers throughout the ages have grappled with the idea of death and produced some genuine consolations for the more mature mind, several of which are discussed below. As for the youngest kids, there are two main ways to relieve immediate fears: 1. Distance in time. It make seem like a cheap sleight-of-hand, but simply a.s.suring the youngest children that they will live a long, long time before It make seem like a cheap sleight-of-hand, but simply a.s.suring the youngest children that they will live a long, long time before dying is quite effective. When at the age of 7 my daughter Erin first said, "I don't want to die," I simply replied, "I know what you mean. I don't either! But you're gonna live a hundred years first. You'll be older than Mom, even older than Grandma before your life is done!" To a 7-year-old, "older than Grandma" is close enough to immortal to alleviate fear (at least until the midlife crisis).

190.2. Correct misconceptions of death. Correct misconceptions of death. When I was a kid trying to conceive of death without an afterlife, I got a truly terrifying image-let's call it "me-floating-in-darkness-forever." Compared to that (and compared to the ter- When I was a kid trying to conceive of death without an afterlife, I got a truly terrifying image-let's call it "me-floating-in-darkness-forever." Compared to that (and compared to the ter- ror of h.e.l.l and the boredom of heaven), genuine nonexistence is downright lovely.

Q: So how do you conceive of nonexistence? I have a devil of a time grasping it myself.

A: You do, eh? Then I'm guessing you are a conscious being. There's nothing harder for a conscious being to conceive than unconscious nonbeing. unconscious nonbeing. It's entirely outside our experience because it is the absence of experience, the absence of perception. It's entirely outside our experience because it is the absence of experience, the absence of perception.

That's the flaw in "me-floating-in-darkness." Darkness must be perceived. perceived.

Instead, you have to grasp nonexistence. And there's one great way to do this: by recognizing that you "nonexisted" before-and for quite a long time at that.

This idea, variously attributed to the philosophers Epicurus and Lucretius, is called the "symmetry argument." Your life is bounded not by one period of nonexistence, but two: the period after your death and the period before your birth. If a child-or an adult, for that matter-expresses fear at the idea of death, ask if she was afraid a hundred years ago. When she laughs and says "Of course not! I wasn't anywhere!" anywhere!" explain that the time after her life is done will be exactly the same. There is literally no difference. There's some real consolation there. explain that the time after her life is done will be exactly the same. There is literally no difference. There's some real consolation there.

Q: What other consolations of philosophy and science can help nonreligious people come to terms with death?

A: Different people find consolation in different ideas and at different stages in their consideration of mortality. Here are three others to try on for size: 1. Conservation. 1. Conservation. National Public Radio commentator Aaron Freeman offered a thought-provoking consolation in the form of an essay t.i.tled "You National Public Radio commentator Aaron Freeman offered a thought-provoking consolation in the form of an essay t.i.tled "You Want a Physicist to Speak at Your Funeral." An excerpt: You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You 191.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief want your mother to know that all your energy . . . every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. . . .

There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. . . . The science is sound. . . . According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen. 11 11 Some will find physical conservation to be irrelevant and unconsoling.

Others, myself included, see a door to a greater appreciation for our part in the continuing cosmos. Every atom of your body has been around since the dawn of time and will continue to the end of time. That they a.s.sem- bled to form you for a little while is astonis.h.i.+ng and wonderful. That "you"

continue to exist, albeit in greater disarray, is a point well worth pondering.

2. The inversion of death and life. We tend to think of life as our natural condition and death as some sort of affront to that condition. But seeing We tend to think of life as our natural condition and death as some sort of affront to that condition. But seeing your existence in the longer view can flip that on its head. Since the stuff that makes you up has always been here and will always be here, nonexistence can be seen as our normal condition. But for one short blip in that vast nonexistence, pop-here you are. Existing. Conscious. Instead of see- ing death as an outrage, this view allows us to see death as the universal norm and life life as the giddy exception. as the giddy exception.

Arthur Dobrin puts it this way: "I think there are two ultimate sources of comfort for the bereaved. The first is the recognition that the great mystery is not death but birth, not that someone loved is now gone but that the person was here at all." 12 12 By really grasping this inverted view, our mourning of death can be converted to grat.i.tude for life. By really grasping this inverted view, our mourning of death can be converted to grat.i.tude for life.

3. How amazingly unlikely was your birth. Closely related to the above is the contemplation of the incredible odds against each of us ever existing. Closely related to the above is the contemplation of the incredible odds against each of us ever existing.

For billions of years, you were simply stuff-a lot of dissociated elements.

Most of the universe-99.999999+ percent of it-remains insensate, un- conscious, inert. But you got lucky. Out of all the quadrillions of possible combinations of elements and DNA, and despite the infinite number of things that could have kept all of your direct ancestors from meeting, from finding each other attractive, from mating (at precisely the right time) and 192from raising you to adulthood-despite all of that incredible improbabil- ity, here you are. Congratulations.

In the light of that incredible good fortune, whining about the fact that life doesn't go on forever begins to seem incredibly piggy, don't you think?

These are some of the consolations I find meaningful. Others find conso- lation in art, in music, in transcendent poetry-or in the mythic imagination.

Take your pick.

Q: My 10-year-old nephew was recently struck by a car and killed. How can I help my children deal with their cousin's sudden death at so young an age?

A: There is no denying that the death of a person so young-which feels like such a subversion of the natural order-brings a terrible additional burden to those who grieve. Rev. Dr. Kendyl Gibbons noted that "When a sibling or friend near the child's own age dies, it often feels more tragic and wasteful to the adults, and bewildering to the child, because such things are not 'supposed'

to happen." 13 13 In addition to all of the same comforts described for more "ordinary" bereavements, children in these situations need to be particularly rea.s.sured that they themselves are not at any increased risk as a result of the tragedy. At the same time, it would not be inappropriate to underline the ways in which they can ensure their own safety (seat belts, caution, etc.). If a child seems especially affected by a tragic death, professional counseling is an option worth investigating. In addition to all of the same comforts described for more "ordinary" bereavements, children in these situations need to be particularly rea.s.sured that they themselves are not at any increased risk as a result of the tragedy. At the same time, it would not be inappropriate to underline the ways in which they can ensure their own safety (seat belts, caution, etc.). If a child seems especially affected by a tragic death, professional counseling is an option worth investigating.

Although nonreligious parents will not have access to religious comforts in these situations, they do have one notable advantage: They are freed from the unenviable task of explaining how an all-good and all-powerful G.o.d can allow such things to happen.

"I Guess We'll Never See You Again"

Our success as parents of a grieving child is not measured in inverse pro- portion to the number of tears or the depth of sadness. The most loving approach is often the most honest-one that looks mortality in the eye, affirms and validates sadness, and lets the griever find the voice of his grief.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief When 4-year-old Lucas began to ask about death, his father Andrew loved and respected him enough to take his questions seriously. What fol- lows is a moving and heartfelt account by Andrew of his son's early grap- plings with mortality, brought to the fore by the death of a beloved pet. It was first posted on the discussion forum at www.AtheistParents.org on April 30, 2008. on April 30, 2008.

Today our cat Seymour gave up the ghost. He was 17 years old and his kidneys failed.

After he died, I went out back to dig a grave for him, with Lucas in tow. Lucas was very excited to dig the grave. He has this interest in graveyards and cemeteries. Part of it is that he likes "spooky things," and part of it is his questions about death. About five months ago he started to ask me about death. I told him, "Everything that is living will someday die."

One night he asked if an old lady on TV was going to die, and I said "Everything that is living will someday die." He then asked, "Will I die?"

I told him with a measured voice, "Everything that is living will some- day die."

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" he said. "I WANT TO STAY HERE ALL THE DAYS! I WANT TO PLAY WITH ALL THE CARS! I WANT TO GO TO ALL.

THE RESTAURANTS! I WANT TO READ ALL THE BOOKS! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" After some explanations and some more tears, he seemed to calm down.

Since then, "spooky things" and cemeteries have become more preva- lent in his play. And then, Seymour was gone.

After April came home and I consoled her, we made our way out to the meager grave. Lucas was ahead of us, almost skipping, "We dug a grave, and we are going to put Seymour's body in it." We laid his body down in the hole, and Lucas gave a giggle or two as we put the first shov- elful of dirt on top of our departed cat. By the second shovelful, tears were streaming down the boy's face.

"Goodbye, Seymour," he said. "I guess we'll never see you again,"

and swallowing the words faster then he could say them-"I love you."

He picked some dandelions and wild violets and placed them on top of the dirt pile. "I loved him too much. I hope he is not sick in my memo- ries." He put a big cinderblock at one side of the hole and asked April to write "Mommy, Daddy, and Lucas Loves Seymour."

-Andrew d'Apice 194.Activities Whistling Through the Graveyard All ages Some of the most meaningful and profound conversations I've had with my kids have been in cemeteries. No long car trip is complete in our family without pulling over at a roadside cemetery to stretch our legs and ponder the amazing situation we're in.

Choose well-at least a century of age and a good variety of headstones is best. No need to script it. A kid who has never heard that death is "morbid" or otherwise been s.h.i.+elded from healthy engagement will immediately begin to shout out discoveries. There will be tragedies-the 19-year-old who died in 1944, most likely a soldier; the wife followed just weeks later in death by her husband; a father and his 7-year-old son gone on the same day; infants and young children; a dozen dead in a single winter, perhaps from an epidemic. But there will also be the 108-year-old matriarch whose name matches that of the town, expressions of familial love, and endless evidence of lives well-lived.

If you've found a cemetery that includes epitaphs- Beloved Mother, Artist Beloved Mother, Artist and Visionary, He Made So Many People Happy, and Visionary, He Made So Many People Happy, etc.-muse aloud on what you'd like your own to be. What brief sentence sums up the life you hope to be remembered for? The kids will need no invitation to chime in with their etc.-muse aloud on what you'd like your own to be. What brief sentence sums up the life you hope to be remembered for? The kids will need no invitation to chime in with their own-or to suggest what yours should really really be! be!

If you find yourself thinking these activities are somehow too ghoulish, snap out of it! Give the cemetery walk a try, then drop me an email of thanks.

Related topic of conversation: Imagine your own funeral. What would you want said of you? What do you fear might might be said? What can you do right now to change the "script"? be said? What can you do right now to change the "script"?

Talking About "Right-to-Die" Issues Age 8+ Find age-appropriate ways to discuss a story in the news that involves "right to die" issues. Let your kids know your own wishes regarding your end-of-life treatment and WRITE IT DOWN in an easily accessible place.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Other End-of-Life Issues Age 6+ Casually talk about your own preferences (cremation, burial, etc.) and where you would like to be buried, scattered, etc. Modeling comfort with the discussion can help kids. Ask them where they would like to be buried or have their ashes scattered. Again: If you find yourself recoiling at the idea of such a conversation, reread this chapter. Kids tend to deal with these issues more more matter-of-factly than adults. matter-of-factly than adults.

The Buddha and the Mustard Seed Ages 48 This activity (described by Molleen Matsumura earlier in this chapter-see box) is especially useful when your family has experienced a loss. Act out the story of Buddha and the mustard seed. A woman goes to see a great teacher (the Buddha) and asks him to bring her child back to life. He tells her to bring him a mustard seed from a house in which no one has lost a child, a spouse, a parent, or a friend. After spending the day looking for such a house, she comes back empty-handed, but with the understanding that death and grief are universal.

To act out the story, have your child knock on the wall or a table and ask for a mustard seed, each time, make up a different story of a death in that house, like, "My grandfather was very, very old, and he died last week," or, "My dog ran into the street and got hit by a car." Each time, mention that the two people comfort each other somehow (e.g., by talking, or offering something to eat). Finally, knock on the wall and say, "Now the mother is knocking on our our door." Have your child pretend to answer the door. Take the role of the grieving mother as your child explains who your family has lost and what you are doing about it. This activity goes beyond the original story's message that death comes to us all by highlighting the ways that people can support each other. door." Have your child pretend to answer the door. Take the role of the grieving mother as your child explains who your family has lost and what you are doing about it. This activity goes beyond the original story's message that death comes to us all by highlighting the ways that people can support each other.

The Memory Candle All ages On the birthday of someone who has died, or on the anniversary of the per- son's death, light a 24-hour memory candle (in a gla.s.s container). Share stories of the person as you light it. Caring for the flame creates a pleasant sense 196of caring for the person, and the slowly disappearing candle serves as a poignant reminder of the cycle of life and the power of memory.

The idea of a "deathday" observance was popularized, but not invented, by J.K. Rowling for the Harry Potter series. Jewish tradition includes the Yahrzeit, precisely this kind of commemoration. Search for "Yahrzeit candle" online to find 24-hour commemoration candles.

Talking About Death Won't Kill You14 All ages Because we are surrounded by life, we are also surrounded by death. Adults tend to stop noticing the dead bird in the backyard, the fly on the windowsill, the opossum by the roadside. Take advantage of a child's ability to see and comment on these things by engaging the questions around it. How do you think it happened? Do you think she's feeling any pain now? What do you think will happen to the bird's body in a week, a year, ten years? Where will the molecules of the bird's body be a thousand years from now?

If a small pet dies, and if you have a yard, bury your pet (or spread its ashes) together. Plant it under a small fruit tree or flowering shrub, or plant flowers over it; your child will have the experience of the pet literally turning to something wonderful.

Day of the Dead All ages Create a Day of the Dead altar with your child and talk about the memories that you have of a loved one. (See more about Day of the Dead activities in Chapter 3).

The Bucket List All ages Make a list with your children of what they want to do and be and be before they die- before they die- a list of "A Life of No Regrets."

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Resources Planning Nonreligious Funerals/Memorials York, Sarah. Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death Death (San Francisco: Jossey-Ba.s.s, 2000). The author, a Unitarian Universalist minister, clearly has both experience with and concern for the nonreligious bereaved. An outstanding resource. (San Francisco: Jossey-Ba.s.s, 2000). The author, a Unitarian Universalist minister, clearly has both experience with and concern for the nonreligious bereaved. An outstanding resource.

Bennett, Amanda, and Terence Foley. In Memoriam: A Practical Guide to Planning a Memorial Service In Memoriam: A Practical Guide to Planning a Memorial Service (New York: Fireside, 1997). Includes over eighty pages of suggested readings, many nonreligious. (New York: Fireside, 1997). Includes over eighty pages of suggested readings, many nonreligious.

Munro, Eleanor. Readings for Remembrance Readings for Remembrance (New York: Penguin, 2000). Includes many wonderfully unconventional readings from philosophy, fiction, (New York: Penguin, 2000). Includes many wonderfully unconventional readings from philosophy, fiction, oratory, and poetry, from such minds as Joyce, Homer, Lao-Tzu, Ovid, Tol- stoy, and Dante, and from sources as divergent as Buddhism, the Aztecs, and postmodernism.

Willson, Jane Wynne. Funerals Without G.o.d Funerals Without G.o.d (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 1991). Still the last word in last words. (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 1991). Still the last word in last words.

For the Grieving Child Silverman, Janis. Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies a Special Person Dies (Hudson, NY: Fairview, 1999). An art therapy book with activities for grieving kids. Ages 48. (Hudson, NY: Fairview, 1999). An art therapy book with activities for grieving kids. Ages 48.

Dennison, Amy, Allie, and David. Our Dad Died: The True Story of Three Kids Our Dad Died: The True Story of Three Kids Whose Lives Changed Whose Lives Changed (Minneapolis: Free Spirit, 2003). Dad died unexpectedly in his sleep from arrhythmia. Mom had the kids (8, 8, and 4 at the time) journal for two years. Although the family is Jewish, there is very little reference to or reliance on religious ideas. Quite simply, there is no other book like this. (Minneapolis: Free Spirit, 2003). Dad died unexpectedly in his sleep from arrhythmia. Mom had the kids (8, 8, and 4 at the time) journal for two years. Although the family is Jewish, there is very little reference to or reliance on religious ideas. Quite simply, there is no other book like this.

Powerful, moving, compelling. Age 8+.

Romain, Trevor. What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? (Minneapolis: Free Spirit, 1999). Honest, compa.s.sionate, original. Highly recommended by grief therapists. Ages 912. (Minneapolis: Free Spirit, 1999). Honest, compa.s.sionate, original. Highly recommended by grief therapists. Ages 912.

When a Pet Dies Rogers, Fred. When a Pet Dies When a Pet Dies (New York: Putnam Juvenile, 1998). Ages 36. (New York: Putnam Juvenile, 1998). Ages 36.

Thank goodness for this gentle, intelligent soul (who was also an ordained Presbyterian minister, by the way).

198.Wilhelm, Hans. I'll Always Love You I'll Always Love You (Albuquerque: Dragonfly, 1988). An unbeatable, cla.s.sic tearjerker about the loss of a pet and the continuity of love. (Albuquerque: Dragonfly, 1988). An unbeatable, cla.s.sic tearjerker about the loss of a pet and the continuity of love.

Ages 48.

Viorst, Judith. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney The Tenth Good Thing About Barney (New York: Aladdin, 1987). (New York: Aladdin, 1987).

A little boy thinks of nine good things about his cat Barney, who died last Friday. But after the burial, he thinks of a tenth good thing-a naturalistic and wonderful thing that nonreligious parents will appreciate. Ages 48.

For the Grieving Teen Fitzgerald, Helen. The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends (New York: Fireside, 2000). (New York: Fireside, 2000).

Gootman, Marilyn, and Pamela Espeland. When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens About Grieving and Healing About Grieving and Healing (Minneapolis: Free Spirit, 2005). (Minneapolis: Free Spirit, 2005).

Dougy Center. Helping Teens Cope with Death Helping Teens Cope with Death (Portland, OR: Dougy Center, 1999). (Portland, OR: Dougy Center, 1999).

For the Bereaved Parent Mitch.e.l.l, Ellen, et al. Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child (New York: St. (New York: St.

Martin's Griffin, 2005). Nine mothers who lost children co-auth.o.r.ed this powerful and effective guide for surviving the ultimate loss. Adult.

The Compa.s.sionate Friends www.compa.s.sionatefriends.org A wonderful international support organization for bereaved parents and their supporters. "Espouse(s) no specific religious or philosophical ideology."

Helping Kids Think About Death Hill, Frances. The Bug Cemetery The Bug Cemetery (New York: Holt, 2002). Kids find a dead la-dybug and conduct a mock funeral, then another and another for all the dead bugs in the neighborhood. All is fun and games until Billy's cat is. .h.i.t by a car, and sadness becomes real. Not unlike Margaret Wise Brown's cla.s.sic (New York: Holt, 2002). Kids find a dead la-dybug and conduct a mock funeral, then another and another for all the dead bugs in the neighborhood. All is fun and games until Billy's cat is. .h.i.t by a car, and sadness becomes real. Not unlike Margaret Wise Brown's cla.s.sic The Dead The Dead Bird, Bird, but the twist makes it even more powerful. Ages 48. but the twist makes it even more powerful. Ages 48.

Brown, Laurie Krasny, and Marc Brown. When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (New York: Little, Brown Young Readers, 1998). "No one can really understand death, but to children, the pa.s.sing away of a loved one can be especially perplexing and troublesome." Chapters include "What Does Alive 199 (New York: Little, Brown Young Readers, 1998). "No one can really understand death, but to children, the pa.s.sing away of a loved one can be especially perplexing and troublesome." Chapters include "What Does Alive 199 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Mean?" "Why Does Someone Die?" "What Does Dead Mean?" "Saying Good- bye," "Keeping Customs," "What Comes After Death?" and "Ways to Remem- ber Someone". "My family thinks Mom's soul is with G.o.d," says one character, "but I'm not sure." What better recommendation for freethinking families than that single sentence. Ages 48.

Buscaglia, Leo. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: 20th Anniversary Edition The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: 20th Anniversary Edition (Thoro-fare, NJ: Slack, 2002). One of the great beloved cla.s.sics, Freddie follows a single leaf through spring and summer and into fall. As he watches other leaves fall, he realizes and eventually comes to terms with the fact that the same will happen to him. Ages 612. (Thoro-fare, NJ: Slack, 2002). One of the great beloved cla.s.sics, Freddie follows a single leaf through spring and summer and into fall. As he watches other leaves fall, he realizes and eventually comes to terms with the fact that the same will happen to him. Ages 612.

Schweibert, Pat, and Chuck DeKlyen. Tear Soup Tear Soup, 3rd ed. (Portland, OR: Grief Watch, 2005). Hard to imagine a more beautifully conceived and written affirmation of grieving. Simply perfect. Ages 48.

Movies Exploring Death and Loss See Appendix 1 for a complete table of suggested films including ratings and age appropriateness.

Three Best Works of Kid Lit Exploring the Topic of Death White, E. B. Charlotte's Web Charlotte's Web (New York: HarperCollins, 1952, renewed 1980). (New York: HarperCollins, 1952, renewed 1980).

Ages 612.